Ekleeziastiks Billings
Hiz Memorandum
Ekleeziastiks Billings waz a Puritan bi natur and occupashun. He waz az puritan az spring lam soaked in mint saus. Sum ov the most kold and thawless stok in all Nu England oozed from Ekleeze’ Billings. He waz kreated nominally in the year 1570, and had hiz trunk packed tew cum over in the May Flower, but didn’t cum. He cum over the nex fall, and went immejiately into the pilgrim bizzness. Ekleeziastiks kept a grocery store, and never sanded hiz sugar, nor watered hiz Nu England rum without fust asking tew be forgiv for it. How pure! how lam like! Ekleeziastiks waz very tall, but then he waz very thin; he waz over 6 feet perpendiklar, and not quite 7 inches thru. He weighed 146 with hiz winter clothes and cowhide boots on. He preserved hiz thinity unto deth. He died from eating too mutch garden-truk. How sad! how disinterested! Ekleesiastiks had one virtew which shines tew this day, he waz very saving ov hiz clothes. Hiz best blu koat, with brass buttons on, and a sharp tail tew it, he wore for 18 years, and then kut oph the buttons and had it prest out, and sent it tew the heathen. Ekleeze’ waz both a saving and a libral kuss. He lived tew be over 90, and then died game; he wouldn’t hav enny doktor. He dispized doktors bills. How touching! Truly. How touchful! Really.
Moral
Blest iz the man who iz partikular,
And duz all things up perpindikular.
(Chorus.) Ri fol de rol, ri folderikular.
Josh Billings, and the Twins. =
Thare iz 2 things in this world for which we are never fully prepared, and that is.—twins.=
Jess so, Jess so, Josh Billings.
Josh Billings on the haff shell.=
The man who swallowed the fust oyster, from the haff shell must hav been astonished, at the sudden way it waz dun, but I dont beleave he waz more suprized, than the oyster waz.= Josh.=
Q.–Define honesty?
A.–The wag ov a dogs tail.
The only kind ov konsolashun
This man got, aint worth a kuss,
For ’twas PITTY,–and we all kno
PITTY iz but mild disguss.