May Monograph
May iz the belle ov the year, she haz worn the belt for five thousand years. If May hadn’t hav been a sensible girl, she would hav bin spilte long ago with poetry and stanzy. But she is an independant kritter, and dont care one kuss for stanzy. This iz an eazy month tew fall in love, our naturs are now fully thawd out, after the late kold snap, and like a little melted brook, begin tew look around, tew find another little melted brook tew mix with. Oh! how precious and delightsum it iz to mix. Hive bees during this month, if yu hav got sum, if not, hive sumboddy else’s.
Pattents Issued During 1869
Feb. 1st. To Ambrose Griddle, Esq., a pattent for a hen’s egg, which beats the natral egg for awl purposes, except, cooking, hatching, and eating.
April 13th. To Ezra Push, Jun., a pattent for a one wheeled velosipede. This wise instrumentality haz two handles tew it, and iz purswaded by taken hold ov the handles, and walking between them with a shove moshun. If it wasn’t a velosipede, it would be an old fashioned wheelbarrow.
March 10th. To David Gibson, for a pattent goose yoke. These yokes are packed in cotton wool, and sent bi express all over the face ov the earth, they are sudden tew yoke a goose with, and no goose should be without one.
I thank the Lord that thare iz one thing in this world that money kant buy, and that iz,—the wag ov a dogs tail.=
Yure Unkle, Josh Billings
The infidel argys just az a Bull duz chained to a post, he bellows, and paws, but he don’t git loose from the post i notiss.=
Not mutch, Josh Billings
Q.–What will yu compare old maids to?
A.–Embers on the harth, from which the sparks have fled.
The Rooster now with burstin thrut,
Proklaims the rozy morn,
And cacklin hens are telling us,
Another egg is born.