The Grasshopper Iz a Burden
The grasshopp iz a flippant bug. He iz likewise a kuss. He iz green for color, and haz several leggs, or more, i disremember whitch. They kan fli, hop, walk, sit still, or run, and are born ov eggs, a dozen from each egg, proberbly. They are an inch and a quarter in length, and are sumtimes a frackshun over. They are laid, hatchid out, git their manhood, and die off in 75 days, this iz aktual bizzness, and shows enterprize, in a lofty degree. What they are good for, haz been concealed from us, for wize reazons, but the evil they kan commit, iz sumtimes equal to a famine. I hav seen every green thing, on the flatt ov the earth, for 50 miles in diameter, et up bi them, and millyuns ov them besides starving to deth. I have seen the air filled with them like a shower ov sand, and nothing but stone fences, and McAdam roads, proof aginst their appetights. To be et up bi grasshopps, to be consumed bi muskeeters, or mangled bi a mule, hav allways been the three deaths that i hav voted aginst. But az mutch az i fear the dedly hopper, i had rather face a mile square ov them, all alone, in the month ov August, or i had rather cross the Newark marshes, bi moonlite, in Juli, when muskeeters are in their consumate glory, or even fondle the sportive mule, than to hav a nusepaper kritick, who writes for 8 dollars a week, git after me.
Cambrik Needles
The slowest time on reckord,—is skool time.
The man who forgivs, and dont forgit, compounds for 50 cents on the dollar.
I dont take enny phoolish chances, if i waz called upon to mourn over a ded mule, i should stand in front ov him, and do mi weeping.=
J. Billings Esq.
When a man gits to going down hill, it duz seem, az tho every thing had been greased for the ockashun.
Josh Billings
Thare he struggles, and groans,
’Till he iz knockt on the hed,
And the once rapid trotter,
Lies pulseless and ded.