The Natral Hornet
The hornet iz a red hot child ov natur, ov sudden impreshuns, and a sharp konklusion. The hornets alwus fites at short range, and never argy a case, they settle all ov their disputes bi letting their javelin fly, and are az certain, and az anxious tew hit, az a mule iz. Hornets bild their nest whereever they take a noshun to, and seldum are asked to move, for what would it profit a man tew murder 99 hornets, and have the one hundred one hit him with hiz javelin. I kan’t tell you jist tew a day how long a hornet kan live, but I kno from experience, that every bug, be he hornet or sumboddy else, who iz mad all the time, and stings every good chance he kan git, generally outlives all ov his nabors.
Domestik Receipts
To make good ginger-snaps, take one pound of ginger, stir in a half dozen ov lively snaps, do them to a brown, and then lock them up, or the yung ones will hook them.
To learn a dog tew follow well, tie him tew the hind end ov an express train.
To find out whether a man has got a good moral karakter or not, ask him pleasantly.
To cure herring,—use Godfrey’s Kordial.
The Promiscuss Cockroach
The Cockroach iz a bug at large. He iz one ov the luxurys ov civilizashun. The Cockroach iz born on the fust ov May, and the fust ov November semi-annually, and iz reddy for use in fifteen days from date. They are born four from each egg, and consequently they are all twins; thare iz no sich thing in the annals ov natur, az a single cockroach. Their food seems to consist, not so mutch ov what they eat, az what they kan git into, and often finding them ded, in the soup, at mi boarding house, I have cum tew the painful conclushun, that the cockroach kan’t swim, but that he kan float for a long time.
Hints Tew Yung Wifes
1. Don’t undertake tew liv with yure mother-in-law, but if wuss cums tew a wussness, let yure mother-in-law liv with yu.
2. Never let yure husband kno more than one haff the affeckshun yu hav for him.
3. Don’t name a yung one after a bachelor brother, nor a bachelor sister.
4. Observe theze rules fondly, keep yure feet dri, and yure hair slick, and yu will prove a model wife, (and after that), an acceptable widder.
I notiss one thing,—the man who rides on the kars every day, iz satisfied with one seat, but he who rides once a year, wants 4.=
That’s so. Josh Billings
The man whom yu kant git to write poetry, or tell the truth, untill yu git him haff drunk aint worth the investment.=
No sir. Josh Billings
Q.–Who waz the best dead beat?
A.–Cain: he dead beat his brother Abel.
He who by the plough would thrive,
Must no 2 forty kattle drive,
But worry the ground to and fro,
With horned kritters who skasely seem to go.