The Old Maid
The old maid iz the last gooseberry left on the bush, ded ripe, and reddy to fall off at the fust good shake. She iz sumtimes a leetle hard to suit, but iz quite often the most charming relick in the naborhood. Next to mothers in law, old maids hav been abuzed more than enny thing human, but they all ov them hav a warm spot in their hearts, that enny decent person iz welkum to krawl into, and sun themselfs.
Blisters
Too mutch attenshun to little things spiles a man for bigger ones, I kno a fellow who kan make a fust rate whissell out ov a pigs tail, and this iz all he kan do.
Wit, in a woman, kan never replace the want ov buty.
About the hardest thing a fellow kan do, iz to spark 2 girls at one time, and preserve a good average =
Try it. Josh Billings
I dont insist upon pedigree for a man, or horse—if a horse kan trot fasst. and honest, the pedigree iz all right, if he kant, i wouldn’t giv a shilling a yard for hiz pedigree.= so, Josh Billings
Five years ov fasst work,
He iz bunged up, and done,
Knee sprung, and spavined,
Hiz spirit iz gone.