The Vegatabel Bitters Man
Whenever a man gits ded broke, and kant think ov nothing to raze a breeze with, and hiz uncle wont hav him boarding at hiz house enny more, and the heels ov hiz boots hav knawed the bottom ov his pantaloons all off, he takes rubarb root, and a fu katnip blossoms, and sum tan bark, and sokes them for 14 hours in sum cheap whiskey, and goes hedlong into the liver renovating bizzness. He plasters every fence, saw mill log, stun wall, and cow’s back, from Portland Maine to Stockton Californy, with red, and yello hand bills, offering to heal the halt, make the blind talk, and the deaf see, and renew the inside, and outside, ov all kreashun, for a dollar and twenty five cents a bottle. He takes rooms at sum fust klass hotel, drives 8 in hand, and never iz seen, only on the jump. He iz az full ov bizzness az a deputy superintendant ov a Sunday skool, on a piknik day, and call on him when yu will, to kollekt yure little bill ov 7 dollars, he haz just left for Baltimore, or wont be home from Nu Orleans, untill week after next. Theze men are not all ov them unskrupulous, they are kunning kritters, who hav found out, that mankind to be happy, must be cheated.
Pauze
It iz the prudes in this world that need the most watching, coquets are too kareless to be dangerous.
Most men are like a hop vine, if they dont hav sum kind ov a pole to klimb, and then stik to it, they wont promulgate mutch hops.
Q.–Please define old bachelors.
A.
—Pickled Krabs.
Sum friend told John to travel,
Twelve miles on the jump each day,
Before he et enny brekfasst,
And not loiter upon the way.