January Monograph
This month waz named after one Janus, a sharp sighted old chap, with a face like a pikaxe, so that he could look both ways at once, back onto the old year, and forward onto the new one. At the latter part ov his life he died of a thaw, leaving a snug little property, sum six or seven hundred dollars, which akordin tew one ov the bye-laws ov hiz will, waz invested in tin back thermometors, and distributed amung the suffering poor ov his native village, az mementoze ov Janus.
Domestix Receipts
Tew find the square root ov a hog’s noze, turn him into a gardin patch.
Tew enjoy a good reputashun, giv publickly, and steal privately.
Tew remove grease from a man’s karakter, let him strike sum sudden ile.
Tew giv oysters an extra good relish, eat them at sumboddy else’s expense.
Tew git wrong things out ov yure child’s head,—comb it often.
I never argy agin a suckcess, when i see a rattlesnaixs hed sticking out ov a whole, i bear off to the left, and say to miself—that hole belongs to that snaix.=
Josh Billings
Cider may be a good temprance beverage, but i hav seen folks git so drunk on it, that they couldn’t tell one ov the 10 commandments from a bye law or a base bawl klub.=
Josh Billings
Q.–What iz an old bachelor?
A.–The hero ov a cot bedstead.
He who bi farmin would git ritch,
Must plough, and so, and dig, and sich,
Work hard all day, sleep hard all nite,
Save every cent, and not git tite.