Jamaika Billings
Hiz Memorandum
Jamaika Billings waz sed bi good judges ov the artikle, tew be the lazyest man that ever visited this world. At the age ov 14 he waz pronounced bi the doktors too lazy tew ketch flies. He waz named after hiz unkle who had a grate speshiality in the jamaika-rum line, and who could float more ardent speerits, on an evener keel, than enny human kraft in thoze daze. Jamaika lived tew a grate extent; sum say that he waz 160 when he died, and sum put it at 142, but all giv in that he didn’t di from enny disseaze, but kind ov lazyed tew deth. He waz born tired, and never outgru it. He marrid at 37, but hiz wife left him at the end ov the fust month ov their nupshalls, taking with her all the pussonell affekts, whitch were a kupple ov cedar wash-tubs, and a seckond-hand buggy harness, brass-mounted. Her fust name waz Polly Ann. They never met afterwards, if they did, history dont kno it. Jamak’e Billings didn’t hav enny vice tew speak ov, he waz even too lazy for that. He seems tew hav spent hiz life in hanging around places, keeping ragged and phatt on nothing. He died in Old Pordunk, and i suppoze waz burried, but history dont say so, in jiss so menny words. He waz mi ansesstor, but i kant help it. Can I? I hav bin told not. Queer.
Moral
I never knu, in all mi life,
Enny man tew go krazy,
Who alwuss took things setting down,
And kultivated hiz lazy.
Q.–What iz a cock loft
A.
—A roosters hed.
But in a distrik skool i kno,
Each boy’s a bile uncommon,
And must a diffrent poultiss hav,
Tew git a hed upon em.