Wrong Brother
A wealthy gentleman has a brother who is hard of hearing, while he himself is remarkable for having a very prominent nose.
Once, this gentleman dined at a friend’s house, where he sat between two young ladies who talked to him very loudly, rather to his annoyance.
Finally one of them shouted a commonplace remark and then said in an ordinary tone to the other:
“Did you ever see such an ugly nose?”
“Pardon me, ladies,” said the gentleman. “It is my brother who is deaf.”
A candidate for Congress from a certain Western state was never shy about telling the voters why they should send him to Washington. “I am a practical farmer,” he said, boastfully, at one meeting. “I can plow, reap, milk cows, shoe a horse—in fact, I should like you to tell me one thing about a farm which I can not do.” Then, in the impressive silence, a voice asked from the back of the hall: “Can you lay an egg?”
Doctor: “You are a great deal better this morning, I see. You followed my directions, and that prescription did the business—what, you haven’t taken any of it?”
Patient: “No; it says on the label, ‘Keep the bottle tightly corked.’”
“And about the salary?” said the movie star.
“Well,” said the manager, “suppose we call it $5,000 a week.”
“All right.”
“Of course, you understand that the $5,000 is merely what we call it—you will get $500.”
Prospective Employer: I suppose you have some experience of live stock?
Applicant for Post: Well, I ain’t ever looked after ’orses, nor milked cows, and never ‘andled poultry; but I’ve bred canaries.
A Scotchman had been presented with a pint flask of rare old Scotch whiskey. He was walking briskly along the road toward home, when along came a Ford which he did not sidestep quite in time. It threw him down and hurt his leg quite badly. He got up and limped down the road. Suddenly he noticed that something warm and wet was trickling down his leg.
“Oh, Lord,” he groaned, “I hope that’s blood!”
Mr. Graham: “Do you know, Miss F., if I had my way, I’d put every woman in jail!”
Miss F.: “Why, Mr. Graham, I’m surprised. I didn’t know you felt that way about us! What sort of a nation do you think this would be, if you put all the women in jail?”
Mr. Graham: “Stag-nation, of course!”