The Following Pages Have Been Selected and Edited by “Life’s” Famous Contributor
+ A. C.
Hope Springs Eternal
Oldest Inhabitant: “I never expected to live till the end of the War, Ma’am; but now I’m hoping to be spared to see the beginning of the next one.”
“That’s Betty Grant’s new maid.”
“She’s much smarter than her mistress.”
“Well, they can’t both afford to dress like that.”
Father: “Don’t know the French for cat, and you had a French nurse for years!”
Hopeful: “But, Dad, we hadn’t got a cat when Adele was with us.”
Betty (after flash of lightning): “Count quickly, Jenny! Make it as far away as you possibly can.”
Employer: “John, I wish you wouldn’t whistle at your work.”
Boy: “I wasn’t working, Sir; only whistling.”
Mistress: “Oh, Jane, how did you break that vase?”
Maid: “I’m very sorry, Mum; I was accidentally dusting.”
Little Girl (in foreground): “Mother, I suppose the bridegroom must come to his wedding.”
Mistress: “I hope you’re doing what you can to economise the food.”
Cook: “Oh, yes’m. We’ve put the cat on milk-an’-water.”
Raw Hand (at sea for first time and observing steamer’s red and green lights): “’Ere’s some lights on the starboard side, Sir.”
Officer: “Well, what is it?”
R. H.: “Looks to me like a drug store, Sir.”
“Can you play bridge to-night?”
“Sorry. Going to hear some Wagner.”
“What—do you like the stuff?”
“Frankly, no; but I’ve heard on the best authority that his music’s very much better than it sounds.”
Master: “But, Jenkins, the name of the complaint is not pewmonia. Surely, you’ve heard me again and again say ‘pneumonia’?”
Man: “Well, Sir, I ’ave; but I didn’t like to correct you.”
Successful Poultry Farmer: “You’d be surprised what a difference these incubators make. We can hatch out two or three hundred chicks every week.”
Champion Dog Breeder: “Good gracious! How ever do you manage to find names for them all?”
Small Boy (who has been promised a visit to the Zoo to-morrow): “I hope we shall have a better day for it than Noah had.”
Mother: “Oh, Mary, why do you wipe your mouth with the back of your hand?”
Mary: “‘Cos it’s so much cleaner than the front.”
Mother (to child who has been naughty): “Aren’t you rather ashamed of yourself?”
Child: “Well, Mother, I wasn’t. But now that you’ve suggested it I am.”