The New Appreciation
Wife (habitué of the Ring, gazing after stranger who has knocked her husband down): “That was a lovely upper-cut he gave you, George. I wonder who he is?”
Lady: “I’ve just been making my side ache over your latest book.”
Author (delighted): “Oh, really. Did you find it so amusing?”
Lady: “Well, the fact is I went to sleep on the top of it.”
Employer (inspecting a very inflated bill for work): “Look here—how did you get at this amount?”
Odd Jobs Man: “Well, Sir, didn’t know how you’d prefer me to charge it up, so I just charged by time.”
Employer: “Oh, really! I thought you must have been charging by eternity.”
Tourist: “Have you any cold meat?”
Waiter: “Well, we have some that’s nearly cold, Sir.”
Lady: “If you please, Cook, may we have steak and onions for lunch to-day?”
Cook: “You can have steak, but I’m afraid I can’t let you have onions. You see, I’m going out this afternoon, and onions always make my eyes so red.”
Small Boy (on being told by cousin that she is engaged to be married): “Oh! (long pause) and what did your husband say when he engaged you?”
Master: “But why do you want to get married, Jones?”
Butler: “Well, Sir, I don’t want my name to die out.”
Artist (in desperation): “That, Sir, I consider the finest in my exhibition. You can have it for half the catalogue price.”
The Visitor: “Bless my soul! You don’t say so. By the way, what is the price of the catalogue?”
“Well, Mollie, how do you like your new teacher?”
“I half like her, and I half don’t like her. But I think I half don’t like her most.”
“Please, Mr. Grafto, the gentleman on the next floor presents his compliments and says, seeing as how you can foretell the future, would you be so good as to let him know how long it will be before your bath stops overflowing through his ceiling?”
Old Lady (interrogating her chauffeur’s small boy): “Well, my little man, and do you know who I am?”
Small Boy: “Yes, you’re the old lady what goes for rides in my daddy’s car.”
Parent: “I should like you to have ‘good’ in your report, and not always ‘fair.’”
Young Hopeful: “I daresay you would, Dad. But, you see, I’m an ordinary boy of ordinary parents, and that’s an ordinary report.”
Optimist: “Cheer up, old man. Things aren’t as bad as they seem.”
Pessimist: “No, but they seem so.”