Blue Blood
Mrs. Profiteer: “Is this a pedigree dog?”
Dealer: “Pedigree? I should just think ’e is, Mum. Why, if the animal could only talk ’e wouldn’t speak to either of us.”
Small Bridesmaid (loudly, in middle of ceremony): “Mummie, are we all getting married?”
Small Girl: “To-day’s my mummy’s wedding-day.”
Smaller Girl (with air of superiority): “My mummy was married years ago.”
“Wot’s a minimum wage, Albert?”
“Wot yer gets for goin’ to yer work. If yer wants ter make a bit more yer does a bit o’ work for it.”
Office Boy (anxious to go to football match): “May I have the afternoon off, Sir? My grand——”
Employer: “Oh, yes, I’ve heard that before. Your grandmother died last week.”
Office Boy: “Yes, Sir; but—my grandfather’s getting married again this afternoon.”
Minister’s Wife: “My husband was asking only this morning why you weren’t in the habit of attending church.”
Latest Inhabitant: “Well, you see, it does so cut into one’s Sundays.”
“Two mistakes here, waiter—one in your favor, one in mine.”
“In your favor, Sir? Where?”
Mistress: “Oh, cook, be sure and put plenty of nuts in the cake.”
Cook: “You don’t catch me crackin’ no more nuts to-day. I’ve very near broke me jaw already.”
Gushing Lady: “Yes, she’s married to a lawyer, and a good honest fellow too.”
Cynic: “Bigamist!”
Mother: “Augustus, you naughty boy, you’ve been smoking. Do you feel very bad, dear?”
Augustus: “Thank you—I’m only dying.”
New Butler: “At what time, Sir, would you wish to dine as a rule?”
Profiteer: “What time do the best people dine?”
New Butler: “At different times, Sir.”
Profiteer: “Very well. Then I, too, will dine at different times.”
Fond Mamma: “I sometimes think, Percy, you don’t treat your dear father with quite the proper respect.”
Young Hopeful; “Well, Ma, I never liked the man.”
Playful Hostess: “Couldn’t you manage one more éclair?”
Serious Little Boy: “No, fanks, I’ve no more room.”
Playful Hostess: “If I picked you up by the heels and shook you, would that help?”
Serious Little Boy (after deep thought): “No, fanks, that would make the space at the wrong end.”
Vicar’s Wife: “What are you children doing in daddy’s study?”
Ethel: “It’s a great secret, Mummy. We’re giving daddy a new bible for his birthday.”
Vicar’s Wife: “Oh—and what are you writing in it?”
Ethel: “Well, you see, we thought we’d better copy what daddy’s friends put in the books they give him, so we’re writing, ‘With the author’s compliments.’”