Hotel Accommodation in the South — 219
There was a traveller once, down South—say in the State of Georgia—who, halting for the night at an inn, where he was told that, as there were many guests, he must put up with a shakedown, was conducted after supper to an outhouse full of cows and pigs. “Where am I to sleep?” cried the despairing wayfarer. “Spect ’yiccan please yisself, mas’r,” answered with a grin the negro who acted as chamberlain; “but,” he continued, pointing to a corner of the lair, where there were only two cows and no pigs, “dat’s de mose fashionable part.”
A PLUMP QUESTION.—220.
The late gallant General Sumner, about twenty years ago, was captain of a company of cavalry, and commanded Fort Atkinson, in Iowa. One of his men, Billy G——, had received an excellent education, was of a good family, but an unfortunate habit of mixing too much water with his whisky had so reduced him in circumstances that out of desperation he enlisted. Captain Sumner soon discovered his qualifications, and as he was a good accountant and excellent penman, he made him his confidential clerk. At times the old habit would overcome Billy’s good resolutions, and a spree would be the result. Captain Sumner, though a rigid disciplinarian, disliked to punish him severely, and privately gave him much good advice (after a good sobering in the guard-house), receiving in return many thanks and promises of amendment; but his sprees became more and more frequent. One day, after Billy had been on a bender, the captain determined on giving him a severe reprimand, and ordered Billy into his presence before he was fully sober. Billy came with his eyes all blood-shot and head hanging down, when the captain accosted him with: “So, sir, you have been drunk again, and I have to say that this conduct must cease. You are a man of good family, good education, ordinarily a good soldier, neat, cleanly, and genteel in appearance, of good address, and a valuable man; yet you will get drunk. Now I shall tell you, once for all that——” Here Billy’s eyes sparkled, and he interrupted his superior with: “Beg pardon, captain, did you say that—hic—I was a man of good birth and education?” “Yes, I did.” “And that I was a good soldier?” “Certainly.” “That usually I—I—am neat and genteel?” “Yes, Billy.” “And that I am a valuable man?” “Yes; but you will get drunk.” Billy drew himself up with great dignity, and throwing himself on his reserved rights, indignantly exclaimed: “Well now, Captain Sumner, do you really think Uncle Sam expects—to—to—to get all the cardinal virtues for twelve dollars a month?”