- 1Epigraph
- 2Preface
- 3The American Joe Miller
- 4All Well — 106
- 5What He Always Did at Home — 107
- 6Having the Coffin Handy — 108
- 7Paternal Advice — 109
- 8The First Marriage — 110
- 9Novel Commentary by a Parson — 111
- 10Lobster Salad — 112
- 11Couldn’t Help It, in Fact — 113
- 12After Joining Church — 114
- 13Remarkable Dream — 115
- 14The Nest Egg — 116
- 15Wouldn’t You Like to Know? By J. G. Saxe — 117
- 16Ole Harry and Ole Nick — 119
- 17Western Obituary Notice — 120
- 18Putting Forward His Creed — 121
- 19Not So — 122
- 20The Ohio Democracy — 123
- 21A Nice Girl — 124
- 22A Reason for Dear Cream — 125
- 23Advice to Parents — 126
- 24Extraordinary Crow — 127
- 25Logs Wanted — 128
- 26Look on This Picture and on This — 129
- 27Absence of Mind — 130
- 28Domestic Economy — 131
- 29Tall Relations — 132
- 30We Wonder, Too — 133
- 31Inflammable and Dangerous — 134
- 32A Rare Printer — 135
- 33Something Like a Good Shot — 136
- 34Absence of Mind — 137
- 35A Remarkable Man — 138
- 36Spectacles and Bible Reading — 139
- 37To the Point — 140
- 38Extraordinary Motto — 141
- 39Excessive Politeness — 142
- 40“A Shell in de Stove.” — 143
- 41Diamond Cut Diamond — 144
- 42Editorial Tribulations — 145
- 43Sambo and Cuffee — 146
- 44An Ode on Gas — 147
- 45Curiosities of American Speech — 148
- 46Very Likely — 149
- 47Curious Event — 150
- 48Hot Pies — 151
- 49A Mighty Thick Fog — 152
- 50Whiskers and Kisses — 153
- 51Speaking His Deep Emotions — 155
- 52Spiritualism Extraordinary — 156
- 53Milwaukee Eloquence — 157
- 54Heavy Top-Dressing — 158
- 55Hairs, Not Bristles — 159
- 56Antediluvian Diet — 160
- 57Jimmy O’Neil and President Jackson — 161
- 58The Origin of “Some Punkin.” — 162
- 59Artemus Ward on the Negro — 163
- 60A Quaker’s Excuse for Firing — 164
- 61Brother of Four Million Children — 165
- 62Suspecting the Shell — 166
- 63A Smart Railway Employé — 167
- 64The Late Floyd — 168
- 65A Vegetable Head — 169
- 66Objecting to Missions — 170
- 67His First Step — 171
- 68His Wife’s Cousin — 172
- 69Yankee Toasts — 173
- 70A Big Puff — 174
- 71Very Odd That — 175
- 72How Ale Strengthened Him — 176
- 73Luminous Evidence — 177
- 74Scipio’s Wife — 178 — The Dying Soldier and His Mother — 179
- 75Canine Resemblance — 180
- 76Marriage and Single Blessedness — 181
- 77A “Forest-Born” Orator — 182
- 78Hen Persuaders — 183
- 79Popping the Question — 184
- 80Negro Sermon — 185
- 81Grandpa’s Spectacles — 186
- 82Tremendous Gale — 187
- 83A Witty Sentinel — 188
- 84A Cautious Witness — 189
- 85A Poetical Editor — 190
- 86No Patients Living — 191
- 87Criminal Didn’t See It — 192
- 88A Returned Soldier’s Letter to His Nurse — 193
- 89Superfluous Testimonial — 194
- 90Hard Up — 195
- 91Presidential Puns — 196
- 92Openness of Countenance — 197
- 93Holding the Stakes — 198
- 94The Judge and His Coachman — 199
- 95A Stage-Struck Hoosier — 200
- 96Taking His Patient for a Ride — 201
- 97A Soldier’s Farewell — 202
- 98Yankee Brass — 203
- 99Not to Be Wondered at — 204
- 100Pete’s Expectations — 205
- 101Looking for a Situation Under Government — 206
- 102In Black and White — 207
- 103A Guarded Answer — 208
- 104Queer Queries — 209
- 105Do You Smoke? — 210
- 106A Rat Story — 211
- 107Substituting One Treat for Another — 212
- 108Hotel Rules at the “Diggins.” — 213
- 109Odd Names — 214
- 110Legal Advice Under Singular Circumstances — 215
- 111Sharp Child — 216
- 112Taking the Starch Out — 217
- 113The Effect of Eloquence — 218
- 114Hotel Accommodation in the South — 219
- 115The Cords of Hymen — 221
- 116Cure for Fainting — 222
- 117A Cheap Treat — 223
- 118Josh Billings Insures His Life — 224
- 119Short and Expressive — 225
- 120Dow, Junior — 226
- 121A Prompt Reply — 227
- 122Interrupting the Sermon — 228
- 123How Sam Was Caught — 229
- 124Fancy Her Feelings — 230
- 125Absence of Mind — 231
- 126Keen and Significant — 232
- 127A Legal Toast — 233
- 128Rather ‘Cute — 234
- 129Novel Hint From the Pulpit — 235
- 130Tired of His Boarding-House — 236
- 131The American Platforms — 237
- 132All Human — 238
- 133Conditional Forgiveness — 239
- 134Illegible Manuscripts — 240
- 135A Close Witness — 241
- 136A Satisfactory Reason — 242
- 137The Old King’s Arm — 243
- 138Reasons for Not Joining the Church — 244
- 139Irish Exhortation — 245
- 140In Love With the Devil — 246
- 141How Mr. Lincoln Shakes Hands — 247
- 142Hard Scrabble — 248
- 143I Would If I Could — 249
- 144A Solemn Hour — 250
- 145Proverbs — Preserved by Joshua Billings, Esq — 251
- 146Brigham Young’s Wives — 252
- 147The Other Side — 253
- 148Editors Exchanging Compliments — 254
- 149A Slashing Article — 255
- 150A Novel Verdict — 256
- 151American Notion of Villany — 257
- 152Confession of a Clergyman — 258
- 153Awkward Coincidence — 260
- 154How to Get a Seat by the Fire — 261
- 155Rivalling Nature — 262
- 156The Sublime and Ridiculous — 263
- 157A Sensible Woman — 264
- 158Another Discovery — 265
- 159Unnecessary Apprehension — 266
- 160Either Way Will Do — 267
- 161A Mooted Question — 268
- 162Parting Friends — 269
- 163How to Do Business — 270
- 164Exempt, Decidedly — 271
- 165A Lone Nigger — 272
- 166A Libellous Assertion — 273
- 167Western Neighbours — 274
- 168Snubbing a Lawyer — 275
- 169Getting Down a Ladder — 276
- 170Irish Negro — 277
- 171Interesting Experiment — 278
- 172Sayings of Josh Billings — 279
- 173Two Things Made to Be Lost — 280 — Reasons Enough — 281
- 174Low-Necked Frocks — 282
- 175Emerson and Theodore Parker — 283
- 176How to Go Mad — 284
- 177A Wise Judge — 285
- 178Sparing His Feelings — 286
- 179Of Course Not — 287
- 180A Female Admirable Crichton — 288
- 181A Floating Population — 289
- 182Democrats Versus Republicans — 290
- 183A Poor Couple — 291 — An Inducement to Young People — 292
- 184An Editorial Horse — 293
- 185Highly Probable — 294
- 186Novel Effect of a Second Marriage — 295
- 187Striking Definition of a Coquette — 296
- 188Qualifications for a Parson — 297
- 189Extraordinary Absence of Mind — 298
- 190A Joke by Jenkins — 299
- 191“And That’s a Fact.” — 300
- 192A Question for Astronomers — 301
- 193Grieving for a Wife — 302
- 194What Irishmen Do! — 303
- 195Sad Scarcity of Paper — 304
- 196The Date Wanted — 305
- 197The Height of Meanness — 306 — Columbus’s Discovery — 307
- 198The Long and the Short of It — 308
- 199Naming Children in America — 310
- 200A Polite Man — 311
- 201Fine Writing — 312
- 202“Mails” and Females — 313 — An Unkind Reminder — 314
- 203“Climacteric Sublimity.” — 315
- 204More Laughable Than Logical — 316 — The Law of Compensation — 317
- 205Couldn’t Make an Impression — 318
- 206The Minister’s Reception — 319
- 207Printers’ Mistakes — 320
- 208Plain Enough — 321
- 209One of the Press — 322
- 210Another Burst of Eloquence — 323
- 211The Reason Why — 324
- 212The Clergyman and the Lawyer — 325
- 213Editorial Fix — 326
- 214A Meat Baby — 327
- 215The Lapse of Ages — 328
- 216Perils of the “Fourth Estate.” — 329
- 217Model Advertisements — 330
- 218Not Particular — 331
- 219True American Patriotism — 332
- 220Poetical Patchwork — 333
- 221So Humane — 334
- 222The Lying at the Top — 335
- 223“Braggin’ Saves Advertisin’.” — 336
- 224Verdict of a Negro Jury — 338
- 225Very Civil War — 339
- 226A Real Heavy Gale — 340
- 227An Appropriate Gift — 341
- 228The Crooked Stick — 342
- 229A Spare Girl — 343
- 230New Way to Affix a Stamp — 344
- 231The Original Brother Jonathan — 345
- 232Thoughtful Mothers — 346
- 233Painting to the Life — 348
- 234Columbus and the Egg — 349
- 235The Heavenly “Bodies.” — 350
- 236The Happiest of Vowels — 351
- 237A Tough Yankee — 352
- 238Used to It — 353
- 239Quoting His Father — 354
- 240Why the War Goes on — 355
- 241What U. S. Stands for — 356
- 242A Wise Fool — 357
- 243“Old Brains.” — 358
- 244The Governor and the Justice — 359
- 245An Enthusiastic Newsvendor — 360
- 246Profitless Preaching — 361
- 247Not for Want — 362 — Sam Slick on Happiness — 363
- 248A Lagging Compliment — 364
- 249Wedlock First Instituted — 365
- 250A Striking Lesson — 366
- 251A Disinterested Lieutenant — 367
- 252Claiming and Taking Exemption — 368
- 253Great Scarcity — 369
- 254The Captain’s Pudding — 370
- 255Salary Not So Much an Object, etc — 371
- 256Artemus Ward to the Prince of Wales — 372
- 257Providing for Bills — 373
- 258General Lee and a Son of Erin — 374
- 259The Niagara Falls From Four Points of View — 375
- 260Logic of Congress — 376
- 261Colt’s Arms Versus Colt’s Legs — 377 — Infantile Ideas of Distance…
- 262“Dat’s de Mystery.” — 379
- 263Our Bob — 380
- 264Sambo’s Suspicion — 381
- 265Where the Ducks Went — 382
- 266No Place Like Home — 383
- 267Damaging the Engine — 384
- 268A Quaker Woman’s Sermon — 385
- 269A Delicate Cut — 386
- 270Novel Telegraphic Message — 387
- 271Breakfast in Bed — 388
- 272Shedding Their Last Drop of Blood — 389
- 273Pointed Retort — 390
- 274The Letter R — 391 — Not Willing to Die — 392
- 275Her Poor Jerry — 393
- 276Tall Talk — 394
- 277An Eye to Business — 395
- 278What a Fine Woman Is Like — 396
- 279Truth Wanted — 397
- 280An Irish Bull at Bull’s Run — 398
- 281Strong Inducement to Close Up — 399
- 282Steam Defined — 400
- 283A “Bus” in the Cars — 401
- 284Household Words — 402
- 285His Reasons for Leaving — 403
- 286Your Fare, Miss — 404
- 287Agreeing With All the Girls — 405
- 288When the Boat Started — 406
- 289The Blind Phrenologist of St. Louis — 407
- 290Chasing a Locomotive — 408
- 291The Latest Way — 409
- 292A Great Traveller — 410
- 293Whose Fault Was It? — 411
- 294A Modest Linendraper — 412 — Gone Home — 413
- 295An Incident and an Epigram — 414
- 296Just Got Married — 415
- 297Kind and Sympathetic — 416
- 298Human Nature — 417
- 299A Young Lady’s Sacrifice — 418
- 300Poetry and Prose — 419
- 301Daniel Webster and His Bills — 420
- 302Keeping a Secret — 421
- 303Most Too Sudden — 422
- 304“Any Relations?” — 423
- 305Didn’t Care Then If He Did — 424
- 306No Justice in That Court — 425
- 307Sensations of a Down-Easter — 426
- 308Longfellow and Longworth — 428
- 309Novel Proposition — 429
- 310Interesting Announcement — 430
- 311Excuse for Drinking — 431
- 312Editors’ Wives Wielding the Broom — 433
- 313The Wrong Woman — 434
- 314A Joke by the President — 435
- 315Wise Laws — By Sam Slick — 436
- 316A Double Difficulty — 437 — With a Quill — 438
- 317The Letter S — 440
- 318Nonsense About Love — 441
- 319Hard Up — 443
- 320Military Tactics — 444
- 321Settling the Wine Bill — 445
- 322Forlorn Hope — 447
- 323Artistic Execution — 448
- 324Talking Match — 449
- 325Kissing by Proxy — 450
- 326Effective Remonstrance — 451
- 327Latest Dog Story — 452
- 328A Note by the Editor — 453
- 329Inducement Unnecessary — 455
- 330“Open Thy Cupboard to Me.” — 457
- 331Natur’s Balances — 458
- 332An Epigram on President Lincoln — 459
- 333American Soil — Its Natural Richness — 460
- 334John and the Widdah — 461
- 335Striking Resemblance — 462 — Undoubted Courage — 463
- 336Five Outs and One in — 465
- 337Sam Slick’s Description of a Teetotaller — 466
- 338Eclipsing Himself — 467
- 339Familiar Acquaintance — 468
- 340President Lincoln’s First Political Speech — 469
- 341Take Care of Your Baggage — 470
- 342American Competition — 471
- 343American Definitions — 472
- 344Two Things Unexpected — 473 — Perpetual Motion — 474
- 345Artemus Ward on Reorganization — 475
- 346A Receipt in Full — 476
- 347A Sudden Declaration — 477
- 348Major Downing in London — 479
- 349Any Better Than None — 480
- 350A Printer’s Toast — 481 — Washington Irving — 482
- 351Quizzing a Witness — 483
- 352A Witty Aide-de-Camp — 484
- 353Nature and Art — 485
- 354The President and the Marshal — 486
- 355Insinuating Rejoinder — 487
- 356Styling the Firm — 488
- 357A Remarkable Chamber-Maid — 489
- 358Saving the Truth — 490
- 359Nigger Explanation — 491
- 360A Jew D’Esprit — 492
- 361Cuff’s Cabin — 493
- 362Small Waists and Tight Lacing — 494
- 363Thackeray and the Pirate’s Daughter — 495
- 364General Meade to General Lee — 496
- 365Adopting the Other Course — 497
- 366A Whale at Peas — 498
- 367A Tearful Response — 499
- 368A Pretended Pelham — 500
- 369Dinner, but No Breakfast — 501
- 370The Loafer’s Hat — 502
- 371The Debt of Nature — 503
- 372A Black Bull — 504 — A New Dish — 505
- 373The Last Compliment — 506
- 374Precept and Practice — 507
- 375A Fair Retort — 508
- 376Dr. Franklin — 509
- 377Reasonable Instinct — 510
- 378Daniel Webster’s Courtship — 511
- 379Presented at Court — 512
- 380Hard Feathers — 514
- 381Snoring in Church — 515
- 382Professor Everett and Judge Story — 516
- 383Love-Letter Ink — 517
- 384A Rough Bedfellow — 518
- 385New, If Not True — 519
- 386True, If Not New — 520
- 387Curing Two Afflictions — 521
- 388Plain Spoken — 522
- 389Popping the Question — 523
- 390Things I Should Like to See — 525
- 391Question for Question — 526
- 392The Yankee — 527
- 393True Politeness — 528
- 394A “Distant” Friend — 529
- 395Jonathan of All Trades — 530
- 396Much Virtue in an “If.” — 531
- 397The Schoolmaster Abroad — 532
- 398Answering an Advertisement — 533 — The Lovers’ Leap — 534
- 399The Darkie’s Wish — 537
- 400Poor Preaching and Poor Pay — 538
- 401A Trump Card — 539
- 402Timely Warning — 540
- 403Habitual Thirst — 541
- 404Stoning Stephen — 542
- 405Virginian Eloquence — 543
- 406Yankee Factory Girls — 544
- 407Falling in Love — 545
- 408Dull Members — 546
- 409Sam Slick’s Geology — 548
- 410Good Eyesight — 550
- 411A Knowing Contraband — 551
- 412General Grant — 552
- 413Backwoods Conversation — 554
- 414No Vices — 555
- 415“Fire at the Crisis.” — 556
- 416A Shrewd Nigger — 557
- 417An American “Help.” — 558
- 418German Wines — 559
- 419The General No Pattern — 560
- 420It Follows — 561
- 421Joshua Billings on Horses — 562
- 422American Curiosity — 563
- 423Yankee Inquisitiveness — 564
- 424The Amende Honourable — 565
- 425Yankee Portrait of John Bull — 566
- 426A Slight Difference — 567
- 427Half Guilty — 568
- 428The Other Impediment — 569
- 429Wonderful, If True — 570
- 430Jonathan’s Guess — 571
- 431Sure of It — 572
- 432Stretch of Imagination — 574
- 433Advice to Doctors — 575
- 434Setting the Time — 576
- 435Remarkably Sociable — 577
- 436The House That Jeff. Built — 578
The American Joe Miller
436 sections · Download EPUB