§ 260 Everything Happens for the Worst
This one is dedicated to pessimists and is included in this book especially for their consideration.
The setting is a country store. The proprietor is reading a newspaper which has just arrived from the city.
Uncle Henry, the official grouch of the neighborhood, bites off a chew of tobacco and masticates it with a morose intensity. This done, he is moved to ask a question:
“Ezra,” he says, addressing the storekeeper, “I persoom that durned paper is jest as dull to-night as ’tis every other night in the week. No news wuth tellin’, I reckin?”
“Well,” says the proprietor, “there’s one item on the front page that’s sort of interestin’. It says here that a lot of those scientists all over the world are gettin’ together in a scheme to change the calendar and have thirteen months to the year instead of twelve.” Uncle Henry gives a low despairing moan:
“It’ll be jest my luck for it to be a winter month an’ me plum’ out o’ fodder!”