Humour, Wit, and Satire of the Seventeenth Century

The Joviall Crew. 244 or Beggars-Bush.

In which a Mad Maunder doth vapour and swagger

With praiseing the Trade of a bonney bold Beggar.

To the tune of, From hunger and Cold.

[126.]A Beggar, a Beggar,

A Beggar I'le be,

There's none leads a Life so jocond as hee;

A Beggar I was,

And a Beggar I am,

A Beggar I'le be, from a Beggar I came:

If (as it begins) our Trading do fall,

I fear (at the last) we shall be Beggars all.

Our Tradesmen miscarry in all their affayrs

And few men grow wealthy, but Courtiers and Players.

A Craver my father,

A Maunder my mother,

A Filer my sister, a Filcher my brother,

A Canter my Unckle,

That cared not for Pelfe,

A Lifter my aunt, a Beggar myselfe.

In white wheaten straw, when their bellies were full,

Then I was begot, between Tinker and Trul.

And therefore a Beggar, a Beggar I'le be,

For none hath a spirit so jocond as he.

When Boyes do come to us,

And that their intent is

To follow our Calling, we nere bind them Prentice,

Soon as they come too't,

We teach them to doo't,

And give them a Staff and a Wallet to boot.

We teach them their Lingua, to Crave and to Cant,

The devil is in them if then they can want.

If any are here that Beggars will bee,

We without Indentures will make them free.

We begg for our bread,

But sometimes it happens

We feast with Pigg, Pullet, Conny and Capons

For Churche's affairs

We are no Man-slayers

We have no religion, yet live by our prayers.

But if when we begg, Men will not draw their purses,

We charge and give fire, with a volley of curses,

The Devil confound your good Worship we cry,

And such a hold brazen fac'd Beggar am I.

London. Printed for W. Thackeray, T. Passenger, and W. Whitwood.

²⁴⁴ For tune, see Appendix.

[82.] A Justice of the Peace committed a fellow to prison, and commanded him away three or foure times, but stil the fellow intreated him. Sirrah, (said the Justice) must I bid you bee gone so many times, and will you not goe? The fellow answered, Sir, if your worship had bidden mee to dinner or supper, I should in my poore manners not to have taken your offer under two or three biddings; therefore I pray you blame me not if I looke for foure biddings to prison.

[26.] King James being in his Progress at Woodstock in Oxfordshire, the King, finding it to rain so one morning that he could not ride a hunting, had got some Nobility and Gentry together, resolving to be merry. And one humour was, that the King having that morning a fine curvetting Horse given him, which kind of Horse he never lik'd in his life, told them that he that could tell the greatest lie should have that Horse. So one told one lie, and another, another: and several had told others, that there was great laughing; and just in the midst of this mirth in comes a Country Fellow, complaining to the King that some of his Servants had wrong'd him: Well, well, says the King, we'll hear you of that anon; come, come hither amongst us, and you must know that he that can tell the greatest lie shall have that horse. Truly Sir, says he, an't please your Grace, I never told a lie in all my life. With that says the King, Give him the Horse, give him the Horse, for I am sure that is the greatest lie that has been told to day.

[94.] A yong lascivious Gallant wanting money, could not with his credit sell anything; yet his father being but lately dead, at length was checkt by some of his friends for his loose and extravagant life, and withal told him he had base and beastly Associates that did draw him to ill houses. He, taking this opportunity, answered, Truly, Friends, your Counsel is very good, I will presently go sell my Coach and Horses.

[17.] One being desired to eat some Oysters, refused, saying they were ungodly meat, unchristianly meat, uncharitable meat, and unprofitable meat. And being demanded his reason why he said it, he answered, They were ungodly meat, because they were eaten without saying of Grace; unchristianly meat because the Creature was eaten alive; uncharitable meat, because they left no offal to the poor, and unprofitable meat, because most commonly there was more spent upon them than the Oysters cost.

[110.] Maister Hobson, and another of his neighbours, on a time walking to Southwarke faire, by chance drunke in a house which had the signe of Sa. Christopher, of the which signe the good man of the house gave this commendation; Saint Christopher (quoth he) when hee lived upon the earth bore the greatest burden that ever was, which was this, he bore Christ over a river. Nay there was one (quoth maister Hobson) that bore a greater burden; Who was that (quoth the in keeper). Mary, quoth Maister Hobson, the asse that bore both him and his mother: so was the Inne keeper called asse by Craft. After this, talking merely together, the aforsaid Inne keeper being a little whitled²⁴⁵ with drinke, & his head so giddy that he fell into the fire, people standing by, ran sodainely and tooke him up; oh let him alone (quoth Maist. Hobson) a man may doe what he will in his owne house, and lie where so ever he listeth. The man having little hurt, with this sight grew immediately sober, and, after, foxed Maister Hobson and his neighbour so mightely, that comming over London bridge, being very late, ranne against one of the posts, which Maister Hobson thinking it to bee some man that had justled him, drew out his dodgion²⁴⁶ dagger, and thrust it up into the very hilt into the hollow post; whereupon verely hee had thought hee had kil'd some man: so, running away, was taken by the watch, and so all the Jest was discovered.

²⁴⁵ Intoxicated.

²⁴⁶ A dudgeon dagger was one having a boxwood handle.

[52.] A mad fellow newly married, had onely one young child by his wife, of some quarter old, whom he dearly and tenderly loved, but he was much given to good fellowship, and she altogether addicted to sparing, & good huswifery: still he used to come merry home from the taverne from his boone companions, to her great griefe, she being as sparing of her purse, as prodigall of her tongue, for she was little better than a Scold, would oft upbraid him with his expences of money, and time, and to be so often drunke was prejudiciall both to his estate and bodily health, and that it were far better to spend that at home in his house than in a Taverne; with such Matron like speeches, always concluding her exhortations with a vow that if ever he came home again in the like pickle she would (happen what would come) fling the Child into the Moat (for the house was moted round.) It happned shortly after, that he revelling till late in a cold frosty Winter evening, she having intelligence by her scouts where hee was, made no doubt hee would come home flustred. She commands the Infant to bee convaied to the farther part of the house, and to wrap the Cat in the blankets, put it in the Cradle, and there sit and rocke it. Presently comes her Husband, she fals to her old lesson of quarrelling with him, and hee with her, ill words begot worse, much lewd language past betwixt them. The woman suddenly steps to the Cradle (having spied her advantage;) I have long threatned thee a mischiefe, and that revenge I cannot worke on thee (come doggs, come devills) I will inflict on thy Brat in the Cradle; instantly snatched it up in her armes, and ran with it to the Moat side, and flings it into the middle of the water: the poore man much affrighted, leaves to pursue her, and leaps into the water, up in mud and water to the very chinne, crying, Save, oh save the child. Now waded he in the Moat in a very bitter cold frost, till he brought out the Mantle, and with much paine and danger comes to the shore, and still crying, Alas, my poore childe, opened the Cloathes: At length the frighted Cat cryed Mew, and being at liberty leapt from betwixt his armes, and ranne away. The husband both amazed and vexed, the woman heartily laughed at her revenge, and the poore man was glad to reconcile the difference before she would either give him fire or dry linnen.

[26.] A dear and Loving wife, that always bore a great respect to her Husband, both in Sickness and in Health, and now did make it appear to the very last. For when her dear Husband was, in Essex, condemned to die, for a small matter God knows, that is only for stealing four or five Horses, and breaking up as many Houses; so this sweet loving Soul his wife, hearing where he was, came and gave him a visit. Wife, says he, you see what I am come to now, prithee pray for me, and have a care to bring up our Children in the fear of God. Husband, says she, as soon as I heard of it, you see I came to you, and as you know I have always been loving to you, you shall now find it at the last. Pray Husband, tell me, are we to be at the charge of a Rope, or they, for I would have all things ready to do you a kindness; for here I have brought one forty Miles to do you a Courtesie, And so left the Rope with him. Well, wife, says he, I thank you heartily, and pray go home, and look after the Children. No, Husband, says she, I have not come so far, but a Grace a God I'll see you hang'd before I go.

[17.] A Countrey man passing by S^t Pauls Church, at such time as it was turn'd from a House of Prayer, to be a den of Thieves; I mean, an unsanctified Guard of Souldiers: He seeing what manner of Cattle inhabited it, asked a Shopkeeper hard by, If that place were Noah's Ark? Being asked the reason of his demand, Because, said he, I see so many unclean beasts therein.

[105.] When Scogin and his man had ridden ten or twelve miles on their way, hee overtooke a Priest that was riding to London, to pay his first fruits, with whom he kept company untill he came to Stamford, and all that way as they rode, Scogin made the Priest very good cheere, and would let him pay no money, so that Scogin had but two shillings left: and riding betweene Stamford & Huntington, Scogin complayned him to the Parson in this sort: I marvell master Parson (quoth he) how men doe when they want money, to get it? For when I want money, I know not how to get any, except I should steale. No, no, said the Priest, doe you not know that they that serve God well, doe not want, and how that God promiseth, that if you call upon him in your afflictions, that hee will helpe you? You say well, master Parson, said Scogin, and rode before; and when hee saw a faire place, hee kneeled downe and lifted up his hands, and prayed to God, till Master Parson and his man did overtake him, but nothing hee could get. When they were come, hee told them he prayed, but could get nothing. But (quoth he) I will try once againe, and then if I can get nothing, both you, Master Parson and my man shall helpe me to pray, for I doe not doubt but God will helpe something, when hee heareth all our prayers. And then Scogin did ride before againe, and when hee saw his place convenient, hee alighted him from his horse and tied him to a tree, and kneeled downe, and prayed as hee had done before, until such time as they came to him. Then, said the Parson, How do you now, Master Scogin? By my troth, said he, I can get nothing; wherefore, alight, sirra, quoth he to his man, and tie your horse to yonder tree, and then hee went to the Parson, and took his horse by the bridle, and told him hee must needes helpe him to pray. The Parson for feare durst not say him nay, but alighted, and tooke his capcase²⁴⁷ from the saddle bow, wherein was fifty pounds. Then Scogin asked his man how much money hee had in his purse? He sayd, twenty pence. By my troth, said Scogin, and I have but two shillings, and how much have you Master Parson? said hee. The Parson thought that if he had told him all, hee would surely have borrowed a good part of it, and he said, five pounds. Well, let us pray hartily, said Scogin, and then they kneeled downe, and prayed for the space of halfe an houre; and Scogin said, let us see whether God have heard our request, or no. And then, he looked in his own purse, where was but two shillings, and then he looked in his man's purse, where was but twenty pence. Then Scogin came to the Parson, and said, Now Master Parson, let us see what you have, for I doe not doubt but God hath heard our prayers; and tooke the Priests capcase and opened it, wherein was a bag with fifty Pounds in it, which the Parson should have paid for his first fruits. Then Scogin spread his cloake abroad, and poured out the money, and when hee had told it, hee said, By Lady, Master Parson, God hath heard our prayer; and then hee gave him five pounds, and said, Master Parson, here is the five pound that thou had before wee began to pray, and the rest we will have; for I see that you are so well acquainted with God, that with praying halfe an houre, you can get as much more: and this will doe us great pleasure, and it is but a small matter for you to pray halfe an houre. The Parson desired Scogin to let him have the rest of the money, for hee said that hee did ride to London to pay his first fruits. Well, said Scogin, then you must pray againe, for wee will have this, and so they rode away, and left the Priest behind them: and the Priest was faine to ride home againe for more money.

²⁴⁷ A small leather travelling case.

[82.] In Queene Elizabeths dayes there was a fellow that wore a brooch in his hat, like a tooth drawer, with a Rose and Crowne and two letters: this fellow had a warrant from the Lord Chamberlaine at that time to travell with an exceeding brave Ape which hee had; whereby hee gat his living from time to time at markets and fayres: his Ape did alwayes ride upon a mastiffe dog, and a man with a drum to attend him. It happened that these foure travellers came to a towne called Looe in Cornwall, where the Inne being taken, the drum went about to signifie to the people that at such an Inne was an Ape of singular vertue and quality, if they pleased to bestow their time and money to see him. Now the townsmen, being honest labouring Fishers, and other painfull functions, had no leasure to waste either time or coyne in Ape tricks, so that no audience came to the Inne, to the great griefe of Jack an Apes his Master; who, collecting his wits together, resolved to adventure to put a tricke upon the towne, whatsoever came of it; whereupon hee took pen, inke, and paper and wrote a warrant to the Mayor of the towne as followeth.

These are to will and require you, and every of you, with your wives and families, that upon the sight hereof you make your personall appearance before the Queenes Ape, for it is an Ape of ranke and quality, who is to be practised throughout her Majesties dominions, that by his long experience amongst her loving subjects, hee may bee the better enabled to doe her Majesty service hereafter; and hereof faile you not, as you will answer the contrary. &c.

This warrant being brought to the Mayor, he sent for a shoomaker at the furthest end of the towne to read it; which when he heard, hee sent for all his brethren, who went with him to the Towne Hall to consult upon this waighty businesse. Where after they had sate a quarter of an houre, no man saying any thing, nor any man knowing what to say; at last a young man that never had borne any office, said, Gentlemen, if I were fit to speake, I thinke (without offence, under correction of the Worshipfull) that I should soone decide this businesse; to whom the Mayor said, I pray good neighbour speake, for though you never did beare any office here, yet you may speake as wisely as some of us. Then sir, said the young man, my opinion is that this Ape carrier is a gybing scoffing knave, and one that doth purpose to make this towne a jesting mocking stocke throughout the whole Kingdome: for was it ever knowne that a fellow should be so impudent audacious, as to send a Warrant without either name or date, to a Mayor of a towne, to the Queenes Lieutenant, and that he with his brethren, their wives and families should be all commanded to come before a Jack an Apes? My counsell is, that you take him and his Ape, with his man, and his dog, and whip the whole messe or murrinal²⁴⁸ of them out of the towne, which I thinke will be much for your credit if you doe.

At which words a grave man of the towne being much moved, said, My friend, you have spoken little better than treason, for it is the Queene's Ape, and therefore beware what you say; you say true, said master Mayor, I muse who bad that saucy fellow come into our Company, I pray thee, my friend, depart; I thinke you long to have us all hanged. So in briefe hee was put out of the doores, for they were no company for him. Well now, what is to bee done in this matter? Marry (said another Senior) wee see by the Brooch in the mans hat that hee is the Queenes man, and who knowes what power a knave may have in the Court, to doe poore men wrong in the Country, let us goe and see the Ape, it is but two pence a peece, and no doubt but it will be well taken, and if it come to the Queenes eare, shee will thinke us kinde people that would shew so much duty to her Ape, what may shee thinke wee would doe to her Beares if they came hither? besides, it is above 200 miles to London, and if wee should bee complained on and fetched up with Pursinants,²⁴⁹ whereas now every man may escape for his two pence, Ile warrant it would cost us ten groats a peece at the least. This counsell passed currant, and all the whole drove of the townsmen, with wives and children, went to see the Ape, who was sitting on a table with a chaine about his necke, to whom, master Mayor (because it was the Queenes Ape) put off his hat, and made a leg, but Jacke let him passe unregarded. But mistris Mayoresse comming next in her cleane linnen, held her hands before her belly, and like a woman of good breeding, made a low curtsie, whilest Jacke, (still Court-like) although (he) respected not the man, yet to expresse his courtesie to his wife, hee put forth his paw towardes her, and made a mouth, which the woman perceiving, said, Husband, I doe think in my Conscience that the Queenes Ape doth mock mee: whereat Jacke made another mouth at her, which master Mayor espying, was very angry, saying, Sirrah, thou Ape, I doe see thy saucinesse, and if the rest of the courtiers have no more manners than thou hast then they have all bin better fed than taught: and I will make thee know before thou goest from hence, that this woman is my wife, an ancient woman, and a midwife, and one that might bee thy mother for age.

In this rage master Mayor went to the Inne doore, where Jack an Apes tutor was gathering of money, to whom hee said, Sir, doe you allow your Ape to abuse my Wife? No sir, quoth the other, not by any meanes; truly, said the Mayor, there is witnesse enough within that have seene him make mops and mowes at her, as if shee were not worthy to wipe his shooes, and I will not so put it up. Jack's tutor replyed, Sir, I will presently give him condigne punishment; and straight hee tooke his Flanders blade, his Whip, and holdinge his Ape by the chaine, hee gave him halfe a dozen jerks, which made his teeth daunce in his head like so many Virginal Jackes:²⁵⁰ Which master Mayor perceiving, ranne to him, and held his hands, saying, enough, enough, good Sir, you have done like a Gentleman, let mee intreat you not to give correction in your wrath; and I pray you and your Ape after the Play is done, to come to my house and sup with mee and my wife.

²⁴⁸ Or all four of them. A corruption of murnival or mournival. The "Compleat Gamester" says, "A Mournival is either all the aces, the four kings, queens or knaves, and a gleck is three of any of the aforesaid."

²⁴⁹ Pursuivants

²⁵⁰ A jack was usually made of pear tree, and rested on the back end of the key lever. It had a movable tongue of holly working in a centre and kept in its place by a bristle spring. A thorn or spike of crow quill projects at right angles from the tongue. On the key being depressed, the jack is forced upwards, and the quill is brought to the string, which it twangs in passing. Queen Elizabeth's virginal has fifty jacks and quills.

[17.] King James keeping his Court at Theobalds,²⁵¹ in a time of some contagion, divers Constables with their watchmen were set at several places to hinder the concourse of people from flocking thither, without some necessary occasion: Amongst others, one Gentleman (being somewhat in the Garb of a Serving man) was examined what Lord he belonged unto? To which he readily replyed, To the Lord Jehovah: which words being beyond the Constables understanding, he asked his Watchmen, if they knew any such Lord? They replyed No—: However the Constable being unwilling to give distast, said, Well, let him pass, notwithstanding; I believe it is some Scottish Lord or other.

²⁵¹ Is in the parish of Cheshunt, co. Hertford. Was originally the seat of Lord Burleigh, whom Elizabeth frequently visited. It was used as a hunting lodge by James I., and Charles I. often resided there. William III. gave it to his friend Bentinck, Earl of Portland. In 1765 the remains of the old palace were pulled down, and the new mansion is now the seat of Sir Henry Meux, Bart.

[26.] A Gentleman having drank very hard at the Kings Head Tavern, came Reeling out up Chancery Lane, and chanced to Reel within the Rails of the Pump, and kept his motion round so long that he was tired; whereupon, leaning on the Rail he askt one that passed by, where he was; he told him over against the Chancery. I thought so (says he) and thats the Reason I think I shall never get out of this place.

[94.] A Welchman that had one of his own Countrey men waiting upon him, went to see a Comedy, and drawing out a Purse of gold and silver at the door, was espied by a Cut purse and dog'd, who seated himself close by him, his servant having all this while a careful eye towards his Master, and jealous of the Cut purse, so that whilest his Master was minding his sport, the Cheater got all his gold and silver out of his pocket, and was about to be gone. The little Welchman's blood rising at it, presently drew out his knife, and cut off his ear, which made the fellow startle, and troubled with the smart thereof, ask't what he meant by it? To whom the Welchman replied, shewing him his ear in his hand, No great harm friend, onely give hur Master hur purse, and I will give hur hur ear.

[105.] Scogin waxing sicker and sicker, his friends advertised him to make his Testament, and to shew where he would lye after hee was dead: Friends, said Scogin, when I came into this World, I brought nothing with me, and when I shall depart out of this world, I shall take nothing away but a sheet; take you the sheet, and let mee have the beginning againe naked. And if you cannot doe this for me, I pray you that I may be buried at the East side of Westminster, under one of the spouts of the leads, for I have ever loved good drinke all the dayes of my life, and there was he buried.

When the extreame pangs of death came upon Scogin, the holy Candle was put in his hand to blesse himselfe. When Scogin had done so, in surrendring thankes to God, hee said, Now the proverbe is fulfilled, that he that worst may shall hold the Candle, for ever the weakest is thrust to the wall.