Humour, Wit, and Satire of the Seventeenth Century

The following was written in 1646, and is a satire on the then feeling of the army.

I.

[100.]No money yet, why then let's pawn our swords,

And drinke an health to their confusion

Who doe instead of money send us words,

Lets not be subject to the vain delusion

Of those would have us fight without our pay,

While money chinks, my Captain i'le obey.

II.

I'le not be slave to any servile Groom,

Let's to the Sutlers and there drink and sing

My Captain for a while shall have my room,

Come hither Tom, of Ale two douzen bring,

Plac'd Ranke and File, Tobacco bring us store,

And as the Pots doe empty, fill us more.

III.

Let the Drum cease, and never murmure more,

Untill it beat, warning us to repair

Each man for to receive of Cash good store,

Let not the Trumpet shril, ere rend the ayre,

Untill it cites us to the place where we

May heaps of silver for our payment see.

IV.

I come not forth to doe my Countrey good,

I come to rob, and take my fill of pleasure,

Let fools repel their foes with angry mood,

Let those doe service while I share the treasure:

I doe not mean my body ere shall swing

Between a pare of crutches, tottering.

V.

Let thousands fall, it nee'r shall trouble me,

Those puling fools deserve no better fate,

They mirth's Apposers were, and still would be,

Did they survive, let me participate,

Of pleasures, gifts, while here I live, and I

Care not, although I mourne eternally.

VI.

I laugh to think how many times I have

Whiles others fighting were against the foe,

Within some Thicket croucht myself to save,

Yet taken for a valiant Souldier tho,

When I amongst them come, for I with words,

Can terrifie, as others can with swords.

VII.

Damme you Rogue if thou provoke my wroth

¹ Canes qui multum latrant, raro mordent.

¹I'le carve thee up, and spit thee, joynt by joynt

There's none that tasted of my fury hath,

But fear and tremble lest I should appoint

A second penance from them, when my brow

Is bent, marke how the rascalls to me bow.

VIII.

Thus menacing I'm taken for to be

A man indeed, when I should fear to fight

With coward Thersites, and if that he

Were my Antagonist, but I delight

² All manner of victuals.

To fight and pash dame Ceres treasure²

³ Wine.

To quaff Lyen's bloud³ I take great pleasure.

IX.

Proceed yee brethren, doe each other hate,

And fight it to the last, I wish the Wars

May ever untill doomsday prosperate,

And time nee'r see a period of the jars:

For I before like to a slave did live,

⁴ An ignominious name given the Danes by English men, for their slothfull and lasie living.

Now like unto a Lurdain⁴ doe I thrive.

X.

Fill us more Ale, me thinks thy lazie gate

Is slower than the Tortoise, make more speed,

An tha'st a Female of an easie rate

Lets see her, for my flesh doth tumults breed:

Run on, thoul't wish when that day comes thou must

Give an account, that thou hadst been more just.

[86.] A Country honest fellow upon the first coming out of the Parliament coyne, taking it in his hand, and turning it backward and forward; when he had read the circumscription of it, said, Here are Crosses enough, I trow me, but how long they shall last I know not, for I see here the Commonwealth of England, and God with Us are not of one side.

[93.] George (Peele) on a time being happily furnished both of horse and money, though the horse he hired, and the money he borrowed: but no matter how he was possest of them, and towards Oxford he rides to make merry with his friends and fellow students: and in his way he tooke Wickham, where he sojourned that night: Being at supper accompanied with his Hostis, among other table-talke, they fell into discourse of Chirurgerie, of which my Hostis was a simple professor. George Peele observing the humour of my she Chirurgion, upheld her in all the strange cures she talked of, and praised her womanly endevour; telling her, he loved her so much the better, because it was a thing that he professed, both Physicke and Chirurgirie; and George had a Dictionary of Physicall words, that it might set a better glosse upon that which he seemingly profest: and told his good Hostis, at his returne he would teach her something that should doe her no hurt; for (quoth he) at this instant I am going about a great Cure as farre as Warwick-shire to a Gentleman of great living, and one that hath beene in a Consumption this half yeare, and I hope to doe him good. O God (quoth the Hostis) there is a Gentleman not a quarter of a Mile off, that hath beene a long time sicke of the same disease: Beleeve me, Sir, (quoth the Hostis) would it please your Worship e're your departure in the morning, but to visit the Gentleman, and but spend your opinion of him, and I make no question but the Gentlewoman will bee very thankfull to you. I' faith (quoth George) happely at my returne I may, but at this time my haste is such that I cannot: and so good night, mine Hostis. So away went George to bed; and my giddy Hostis, right of the nature of most women, thought that night as long as tenne, till shee was delivered of that burthen of newes which she had received from my new Doctor: (for so hee termed himselfe). Morning being come, at breake of the day, mine Hostis trudges to this Gentlemans house, acquainteth his wife what an excellent man she had at her house: protesting he was the best seene in Physicke, and had done the most strangest cures that ever she heard of; saying that if shee would but send for him, no question he would doe him good. The Gentlewoman glad to heare of any thing that might procure the health of her Husband, presently sent one of her men, to desire the Doctor to come and visit her Husband. Which message when George heard, hee wondred; for hee had no more skill in Physicke than in Musicke, and they were as distant both from him, as heaven from hell. But, to conclude, George set a bold face on it, and away he went to the sicke Gentleman; where, when hee came, after some complement to the Gentlewoman, hee was brought to the Chamber, where the ancient Gentleman lay wonderfull sicke: for all Physicke had given him over: George beginnes to feele his Pulses and his temples, saying, hee was very farre spent; yet, quoth hee, under God I will doe him some good, if Nature bee not quite extinct. Whereupon hee demanded whether they had ever a Garden? That I have, quoth the Gentlewoman. I pray you direct me thither, quoth George. Where, when hee came, hee cut a handfull of every Flowre, Herbe and Blossome, or whatsoever else in the Garden, and brought them in the lapid¹⁸¹ of his Cloake, boyled them in Ale, strained them, boyled them againe, and when he had all the juyce out of them, of which he made some pottle¹⁸² of drinke, he caused the sicke Gentleman to drinke off a maudlin¹⁸³ Cup full, and willed his wife to give him of that same at morninge, noone, and night: protesting, if any thing in this world did him good, it must bee that: giving great charge to the Gentlewoman to keepe him wonderfull warme: and at my returne, quoth George, some tenne dayes hence, I will returne and see how hee fares: For, quoth he, by that time something will be done; and so I will take my leave. Not so, quoth the Gentlewoman, your Worshippe must needes stay and take a simple dinner with mee to day. Indeede, quoth George, I cannot now stay, my haste is such, I must presently to Horse. You may suppose George was in haste untill he was out of the Gentleman's house: for hee knew not whether he had poysoned the Gentleman or not, which made him so eager to bee gone out of the Gentleman's house. The Gentlewoman seeing shee could by no meanes stay him, gave him two brace of Angels, which never shined long in his purse, and desired him at his returne to know her house: which George promised, and with seeming nicenesse took the gold, and towards Oxford went he, fortie shillings heavier than he was, where hee bravely domineered while his Physicall money lasted. But to see the strangenesse of this: Whether it was the vertue of some herbe which hee gathered, or the conceit the Gentleman had of George Peele, but it so pleased God the Gentleman recovered, and in eight dayes walked abroad; and that fortunate potion which George made at randome, did him more good than many pounds that he had spent in halfe a yeere before in Physicke. George his money being spent, he made his returne towards London; and when he came within a mile of the Gentlemans house, hee enquired of a Countrey fellow how such a Gentleman did. The Fellow told him, God be praised, his good Landlord was well recovered by a vertuous Gentleman that came this way by chance. Art thou sure of it? quoth George. Yes, beleeve me, quoth the fellow, I saw him in the Fields but this morning. This was no simple newes to George. He presently set spurres to his Horse, and whereas hee thought to shunne the Towne, hee went directly to his Inne: at whose arrivall, the Hostis clapt her hands, the Oastler laught, the Tapster leapt, the Chamberlaine ran to the Gentlemans house, and told him the Doctor was come. How joyfull the Gentleman was, let them imagine that have any after-healths. George Peele was sent for, and after a Million of thankes from the Gentleman and his friends, George Peele had 20 pounds delivered him: which money, how long it was a spending, let the Tavernes in London witnesse.

¹⁸¹ Lappet.

¹⁸² A measure of two quarts.

¹⁸³ Query, middling-sized.

[14.]A Man of Wales between S^t David's day and Easter,

Was on's host score for cheese great store, a tester.

His host did chalk it up behind the doore,

And said, For cheese, good Sir, come pay your score.

I wonder then, quoth he, what meaneth these?

Dost think her Country knows not chalk from Cheese?