Humour, Wit, and Satire of the Seventeenth Century

Humour, Wit, and Satire of the Seventeenth Century.

[1.] There was a man that had been drinking so hard that he could scarse stand upon his feet, yet at night he would go home, and as he went through a green Meadow, neer a hedge side the Bryers held him by the cloaths and the legs, and he had thought that one had holden him, and would have had him to drink more, and he said, Good fellow, let me go, by my troth I can drink no more, I have drank so much already, that I cannot go home; and there he abode all the same night, and on the morrow went his Ways.

[2.]When Marcus hath Carrowst March beere and sacke,

And feels his head grow dizzy therwithall.

Then of Tobacco he a pype doth lacke,

Of Trinidade in cane, in leafe, or ball,

Which tane a little he doth Speet and Smacke,

Then layes him on his bed for feare to fall

And on Tobacco layes the blame of all,

But that same pype that Marcus brain did lade

Was of Madera not of Trinidade.

[3.]I had a love, and she was chaste,

Alack the more's the pity,

But wot you how my love was chaste,

She was chaste right through the City.

[4.] A Justice of Peace overtaking a Parson upon the Road, between London and Bow, told his Company that he would put a Trick upon him: and so, coming up to him, said, Sir, You don't follow your Master's Rule, for he was content with an Ass, but you have a very fine Horse. The Parson replyed, the reason was, because the King had made so many Asses Justices, that a Clergyman could not get one to Ride on.

On a drawer drunk.

[5.]Drawer with thee now even is thy wine

For thou hast pierced his hogs-head, and he thine.

Upon the weights of a Clock.

[5.]I wonder time's so swift, when as I see,

Upon her heeles such lumps of lead to bee.

Nonsense.

[3.]Oh that my Lungs could bleat like butter'd Pease;

But bleating of my lungs hath Caught the itch,

And are as mangy as the Irish Seas,

That doth ingender windmills on a Bitch.

I grant that Rainbowes being lull'd asleep,

Snort like a woodknife in a Lady's eyes;

Which makes her grieve to see a pudding creep,

For Creeping puddings only please the wise.

Not that a hard row'd herring should presume

To swing a tyth pig in a Cateskin purse;

For fear the hailstons which did fall at Rome,

By lesning of the fault should make it worse.

For 'tis most certain Winter woolsacks grow

From geese to swans, if men could keep them so,

Till that the sheep shorn Planets gave the hint,

To pickle pancakes in Geneva print.

Some men there were that did suppose the skie

Was made of Carbonado'd Antidotes;

But my opinion is, a Whales left eye,

Need not be coyned all King Harry groates.

The reason's plain, for Charons Westerne barge

Running a tilt at the subjunctive mood,

Beckoned to Bednal Green, and gave him charge

To fasten padlockes with Antartic food.

The end will be the Mill ponds must be laded,

To fish for white pots in a Country dance;

So they that suffered wrong and were upbraded

Shall be made friends in a left handed trance.

[1.] There was three young men going to Lambeth along by the Water side, and the one plaid with the other, and they cast each others Cap into the water, in such sort as they could not get their Caps again: but over the place where their Caps were, did grow a great old tree, which did Cover a great deale of the Water. One of them said to the rest, Sirs, I have found out a notable way to come by them. First I will make myself fast by the middle, with one of your girdles unto the tree, and he that is with you shall hang fast upon my girdle, and he that is last shall take hold on him that holds fast on my girdle, and so with one of his hands he may take up all our caps and cast them on the sand. And so they did; but when they thought that they had been most secure and fast, he that was above felt his girdle slack, and said, Soft, sirs, my girdle slacketh; make it fast quickly, said they, but as he was untying it to make it faster they fell all three into the water, and were well washed for their pains.

Of Lynus borrowing.

[6.]Lynus came late to me sixe crownes to borrow,

And sware G— d—- him, hee'd repai't to morrow.

I knew his word as current as his band

And straight I gave to him three crownes in hand;

This I to give, this he to take was willing

And thus he gain'd, and I sav'd fifteene shilling.