Humour, Wit, and Satire of the Seventeenth Century

A Song in Praise of the Leather Bottel. 196

Shewing how Glasses, and Pots are laid aside,

And Flaggons and Noggins they cannot abide;

And let all Wives do what they can,

'Tis for the Praise and Use of Man;

And this you may very well be sure,

The Leather Bottel will longest endure;

And I wish in Heaven his Soul may dwell

That first devised the Leather Bottel

To the Tune of The Bottle Maker's Delight, &c.

[104.]God above that made all things,

The Heavens, the Earth, and all therein,

The Ships that on the Sea do Swim,

To keep Enemies out that none comes in;

And let them do all what they can,

'Tis for the Use and Praise of Man.

And I wish in Heaven his Soul may dwell

That first devised the Leather Bottel.

Then what do you say to these Cans of Wood?

In faith they are, and can, not be good;

For when a Man he doth them send

To be filled with Ale, as he doth intend;

The Bearer falleth down by the way.

And on the ground the Liquor doth lay;

And then the Bearer begins to ban,

And swears it is long of the Wooden Can.

But had it been the Leather Bottel,

Although he had fallen, yet all had been well

Then I Wish &c.

Then what do you say to these Glasses fine?

Yes, they shall have no Praise of mine;

For when a Company they are set

For to be merry, as we are met;

Then if you chance to touch the Brim,

Down falls the Liquor and all therein,

If your Table Cloath be never so fine,

There lies your Beer, Ale, or Wine:

It may be for a small Abuse,

A young Man may his Service lose;

But had it been a Leather Bottel,

And the Stopple in, then all had been well.

And I wish &c

Then what do you say these black Pots three?

True, they shall have no praise of me,

For when a Man and his Wife falls at Strife,

As many have done, I know, in their Life;

They lay their Hands on the Pot both,

And loth they are to lose their Broath;

The one doth tug, the other doth hill,

Betwixt them both the Liquor doth spill;

But they shall answer another Day,

For casting their liquor so vainly away;

But had it been in the Leather Bottel,

They might have tugg'd till their Hearts did ake,

And yet their Liquor no harm could take;

They might have tugg'd till their Hearts did ake.

Then I wish &c

Then what do you say to the Silver Flaggons fine?

True, they shall have no Praise of mine;

For when a Lord he doth them send

To be filled with Wine as he doth intend;

The Man with the Flaggon he doth run away,

Because it is Silver most gallant and gay:

O then the Lord he begins to ban,

And swears he hath lost both Flaggon and Man;

There's never a Lord's Serving-man or Groom,

But with his Leather Bottel may come;

Then I wish &c

A Leather Bottel we know is good,

Far better than Glasses or Cans of Wood,

For when a Man is at work in the Field,

Your Glasses and Pots no Comfort will yield;

Then a Leather Bottle standing him by,

He may drink always when he is a dry;

It will revive the Spirits, and comfort the Brain,

Wherefore let none this Bottle refrain;

For I wish &c

Also the honest Sith-man¹⁹⁷ too,

He knew not very well what to do,

But for his Bottle standing him near,

That is filled with good Household beer;

At Dinner he sits him down to eat,

With his good hard Cheese and Bread or Meat;

Then this Bottle he takes up amain,

And drinks, and sets him down again;

Saying, Good Bottle, stand my Friend,

And hold out till this day doth end;

For I wish &c

And likewise the Haymakers they,

When as they are turning and making their Hay;

In Summer-weather, when as it is warm,

A good Bottel full then will do them no harm;

And at Noon time they sit them down,

And drink in their Bottels of Ale Nut Brown;

Then the Lads and the Lasses begin to tattle,

What should we do but for this Bottle?

They could not work if this Bottle were done,

For the Day's so hot with heat of Sun.

Then I wish &c

Also the Leader, Lader, and the Pitcher,

The Reaper, Hedger and the Ditcher,

The Binder, and the Raker and all

About the Bottels ears do fall;

And if his Liquor be almost gone,

His Bottel will he part with to none,

But says, my Bottel is but small

One Drop I will not part withal:

You must go drink at some Spring or Well,

For I will keep my Leather Bottel.

Then I wish &c

Thus you may hear of a Leather Bottel,

When as it is filled with Liquor full well,

Though the Substance of it be but small,

Yet the Name of the thing is all.

There's never a Lord, an Earl or Knight,

But in a Bottel doth take Delight:

For when he is hunting of the Deer,

He often doth wish for a Bottel of Beer:

Likewise the Man that works at the Wood,

A Bottel of Beer doth oft do him good

Then I wish &c

Then when this Bottel doth grow old,

And will good Liquor no longer hold,

Out of the Side you may take a Clout,

Will mend your Shooes when they'r worn out;

Else take it and hang it upon a Pin,

It will serve to put many odd Trifles in,

As Hinges, Awls, and Candle-ends,

For young Beginners must have such things;

Then I wish in Heaven his Soul may dwell,

That first devised the Leather Bottel.

London: Printed by and for W. O. and sold by the Booksellers of Pye Corner, and London Bridge.

¹⁹⁶ For tune, see Appendix.

¹⁹⁷ Mower.

[105.] When Scogin had broght to Oxford such things as he had in London, hee lacked furres for his gownes, and Miniver furres for his hood. Whereupon hee went to an Alderman in Oxford, which was a Skinner, and said unto him, It is so that I must proceed Master of Arts, at the next Act, and I have bestowed my money at London, and now I have need of furres (as you know) wherefore if I shall have of you as much as shall serve me, I will content you with thankes. Then said the Alderman, make your gownes and your hood, and send them to me, and they shall be furred as other Masters be. Then said Scogin, you shall have them within these two days, and then I pray you make me a bill what I shall pay for every thing. It shall be done, said the Alderman. When as the gownes and hood were furred, he went to fetch them home, and said to the Alderman, I pray you let me see my charge: the bill was brought forth, and the sum did rise to sixe pound and odde money. The Alderman said, When shall I have my money? Scogin answered, within these seven weeks, or else the next time that you and I doe meet after the said terme set.¹⁹⁸ The terme of time passed over, and the Alderman sent for his money. Scogin said to the messenger, have me commended to Master Alderman, and tell him when he and I doe meet, I will content him according to my promise; so, on a time, Scogin went to Korfax,¹⁹⁹ and he espied the Alderman, and then he returned backe. The Alderman made good footing after him to overtake him and said unto him, Sir, you said that you would pay me my money within seven weekes, or else any time after that we did meet together. It is true, said Scogin, my day is expired, but my promise is not broken; No, said the Alderman, so that you pay me my money now. Now, said Scogin, nay not so, wee meet not together yet, for now you did but overtake me, and when we doe meet, you shall have your money; but if I can, said Scogin, I will not meet you this seven Yeares, if I can go backward. Wherefore a plaine bargain is best, and in bargaines making, fast bind, fast find.

¹⁹⁸ Commences.

¹⁹⁹ Carfax, a place in Oxford, where four streets meet; supposed to be a corruption of quatre voies.

[103.] A Gentleman having left a Bag of Money in a Hackney Coach, besides an Advertisement in the Gazet, he put up a paper at the Exchange, that he would give a sixth part (viz £20) to the Coachman, if he would bring him his Money; the Fellow, hearing of the offer, went to the Exchange and writ on the Paper, Then shall I be the Loser, which was all the Gentleman had for his Coin.

[26.] One swore most plentifully, That he saw a Lobster kill a Hare upon Salisbury Plain; then they all began to think indeed that was a lie, till he very discreetly told them how it was; for the Lobsters that are taken at Weymouth, Southampton, and upon the Sea-Coasts thereabouts, are presently convey'd in Panniers into the Midland Country, and by the way on Salisbury Plain did drop a very good Lobster, and a Hare a little after, came close to the Lobster: which the Lobster feeling, with his Claw presently catcht him fast by the foot, and so kill'd him; and swore also that they put it into a Pie, and both bak't together (but I don't mean with the skin and the shell on) then you'd think't a lie indeed; and so sent up to London, and eaten there.

[102.]Alas, Delfridus keepes his bed, God knowes,

Which is a sign his worship's very ill:

His griefe beyond the grounds of Phisike goes;

No Doctor that comes neere it with his skill,

Yet doth he eat, drink, talke, and sleepe profound,

Seeming to all men's judgements healthful found.

Then gesse the cause he thus to bed is drawne

What? think you so? may such a hap procure it?

Well; faith, 'tis true, his Hose is out at pawne,

A breechlesse chance is come, he must indure it:

His Hose to Brokers Jayle committed are,

His Singular, and only Velvet paire.

[17.] A man on his death bed bequeathed all that he had to his three Sons; to the first he gave all his Land, for he said he had been very dutiful, but he said he hoped his Father would live to enjoy it all himself: To the second, he gave all his money and goods, for he had been dutiful also, and he wisht his father might live and enjoy it all himself: And to the third, he said, Thou hast been a Villain, a Rogue, and a Vagabond; I first give to thee the benefit of the Stocks, to keep both thy legs warm; and next Bridwell, where thou shalt dine upon freecost with M^r Lashington every day; and then I bestow the Gallows upon thee at last: Truly Father, says he, I thank you, and I hope you'll live to enjoy them all, yourself.

[94.] One asked the reason why Lawyers Clerks writ such wide lines: Another answered, It was done to keep the peace; for if the Plaintiff should be in one line, and the Defendant in the next, the lines being too near together, they might perhaps fall together by the Ears.

[4.] M^r Noy²⁰⁰ the Attorney General, making a Venison Feast in a Tavern where Ben Johnson and some of his Companions were Drinking, and he having a mind to some of the Venison, wrote these Verses, and sent them to M^r Noy

When all the World was drown'd,

No Venison could be found;

For then there was no Park:

Lo here we sit,

Without e're a bit,

Noy has it all in his Ark.

For the ingenuity of which, M^r Noy sent him a good corner of a Pasty, and half a Dozen Bottles of Sack to wash it down.

At another time, Ben Johnson intending to go through the Half Moone Tavern in Aldersgate Street, was denied entrance, the Door being shut: upon which he made these Verses.

Since the Half-Moon is so unkind,

to make me go about,

The Sun my Money now shall take,

the Moon shall go without.

And so he went to the Sun Tavern at Long Lane end, forsaking the Half-Moon for this affront.

²⁰⁰ "Noy, when Whitlocke came to him about the Bill, advised with him about the King's Patent concerning an association between England and Scotland for fishing. Noy loved a little drollery, and gave Whitelocke eleven groats out of his little purse. Here, said Noy, take these single pence; and I give you more than an attorney's fee, because you will be a better man than an Attorney-General; and this you will find to be true. This was in 1629."—Lives of Eminent Sergeants at Law, by H. W. Woolrych, Lond. 1869.

[91.] When I lived, I fed the living, now I am dead, I bear the living, and with swift speed walke over the living.

Resolution. A Ship made of an Oake, growing, fed Hogs with Acorns, now beares men, swims over fishes.

The English Irish Souldier

With his new Discipline, new Armes, old Stomacke, and
new taken pillage, who had rather Eate than Fight.

[106.]If any Souldate

think I do appeare,

In this strange Armes

and posture, as a Jeere,

Let him advance up to me

he shall see,

Ile stop his mouth

and we wil both agree.

Our Skirmish ended

our Enemies fled or slaine

Pillage wee cry then,

for the Souldiers game,

And this compleat Artillery

I have got,

The best of Souldiers,

I think, hateth not.

My Martiall Armes

dealt I amongst my foes

With this I charged stand

'gainst hungers blowes;

This is Munition

if a Souldier lacke,

He fights like Iohn a dreams²⁰¹

or Lent's thin Jacke.²⁰²

All safe and cleare,

my true Arms rest awhile,

And welcome pillage

you have foes to soile.

This Pot, my Helmet,

must not be forsaken,

For loe I seiz'd it

full of Hens and Bacon.

Rebels for Rebels drest it

but our hot rost

Made them to flye

and now they kisse the post.

And better that to kisse

than stay for Pullets

And have their bellies

cram'd with leaden bullets.

This fowle my Feather is,

who wins most fame,

To weare a pretty Duck

he need not shame;

This Spit my well chargd

Musket with a Goose,

Now cryes come eate me,

let your stomacks loose.

This Dripping Pan's my

target, and this Hartichoke

My Basket-hilted blade

can make 'em smoake,

And make them slash and cut

who most Home puts,

Ile most my fury

sheath into his guts.

This Forke my Rest is,

and my Bandaleers

Canary Bottles,

that can quell base feares,

And make us quaffe downe

danger, if this not doe,

What is it then? can raise

a spiritt into fearfull men.

This Match are linkes

to light down to my belly

Wherein are darksome chinks

as I may tell yee,

Or Sassages, or Puddings,

choose you which,

An excellent Needle,

Hungers wounds to stitch.

These my Supporters,

garter'd with black pots,

Can steele the nose

& purg the brain of plots;

These tosts my shooestrings,

steept in this strong fog,

Is able of themselves

to foxe a Dog.

These Armes being vanisht,

once againe appeare

A true and faithful Souldier

As you were;

But if this wants,

and that we have no biting

In our best Armours

we make sorry fighting.

FINIS

Printed at London for R. Wood and A. Coe 1642.

²⁰¹ i.e. a stupid, semi-idiot, as—

"A Dull and Muddy Mettled rascal, peak,

Like John a dreams, impregnant of my cause,

And can say nothing."—Hamlet, Act ii. Scene 2.

²⁰² "A Jack a Lent" was a straw-stuffed image which was shot at, beaten, thrown at, and otherwise ill-treated during Lent. It was supposed to represent Judas Iscariot.

[93.] There was a Gentleman that dwelt in the West Countrey, and had staid here in London a Tearme longer than hee intended, by reason of a Booke that George (Peele) had to translate out of Greeke into English: and when he wanted money, George had it of the Gentleman, but the more he supplyed him of Coine, the further off he was from his Booke, and could get no end of it, neither by faire meanes, entreatie, or double payment: for George was of the Poeticall disposition, never to write so long as his money lasted; some quarter of the Booke being done, and lying in his hands at randome.

The Gentleman had plotted a meanes to take such an order with George next time he came, that he would have his Booke finished. It was not long before he had his Company; his arrival was for more money; the Gentleman bids him welcome; causeth him to stay dinner, where falling into discourse about his Booke, found it was as neere ended, as he left it two moneths ago. The Gentleman, meaning to be gul'd no longer, caused two of his men to binde George hand and foot in a Chayre: a folly it was for him to aske what they meant by it: the Gentleman sent for a Barber, and George had a beard of an indifferent size, and well growne: he made the Barber shave him beard and head, left him as bare of haire, as he was of money: the Barber he was well contented for his paines, who left George like an old woman in mans apparell: and his voyce became it well, for it was more woman than man. George quoth the Gentleman, I have always used you like a friend, my purse hath beene open to you: that you have of mine to translate, you know it is a thing I highly esteeme: therefore I have used you in this fashion, that I might have an end of my Booke, which shall be as much for your profit as my pleasure. So forthwith he commanded his men to unbinde him, and putting his hand into his pocket, gave him two brace of Angels; quoth hee, Master Peele, drinke this, and by that time you have finished my booke, your beard will be growne, untill which time, I know you will be ashamed to walke abroad. George patiently tooke the gold, said little, and when it was darke night, took his leave of the Gentleman, and went directly home: who, when his wife saw, I omit the wonder shee made, but imagine those that shall behold their husbands in such a case. To bed went George, and ere morning hee had plotted sufficiently how to cry quid pro quo with his politick Gentleman.

George had a Daughter of the age of tenne yeeres, a Girle of a pretty forme, but of an excellent wit: and she had George so tutored all night, that although himselfe was the Author of it, yet had hee beene transformed into his Daughters shape, he could not have done it with more conceit. George at that time dwelt at the Banke Side from whence this she-sinnow,²⁰³ early in the morning, with her haire dichevalled, wringing her hands, and making such pittifull moane with shrikes and teares, and beating of her brest, that made the people in a maze: some stood wondring at the Childe; others plucked her to know the occasion; but none could stay her by any meanes, but on shee kept her journey, crying, O, her Father, her good Father, her deare Father, over the Bridge, thorow Cheapside, and so to the Old Bailey, where the Gentleman sojourned, there sitting her selfe downe, a hundred people gaping upon her, there she begins to cry out, Woe to that place, that her Father ever saw it: she was a Cast-away, her Mother was undone: till with the noise, one of the Gentlemans men comming downe, looked on her, and knew her to be George Peeles Daughter: hee presently runnes up, and tels his Master, who commanded his man to bring her up. The Gentleman was in a cold sweat, fearing that George had, for the wrong that he did him the day before, some way undone himselfe. When the Girle came up, he demanded the cause why she so lamented, and called upon her Father? George his flesh and blood, after a million of sighs, cried out upon him, he had made her Father, her good Father, drowne himselfe. Which words once uttered, she fell into a Counterfeit swoone, whom the Gentleman soon recovered. This newes went to his heart, and he, being a man of a very milde condition, cheered up the Girle, made his men to go buy her new cloathes from top to toe, said he would be a Father to her, gave her five pounds, bid her go home and carry it to her mother, and in the evening he would visit her. At this, by little and little she began to be quiet: desiring him to come and see her Mother. He tels her, he will not faile, bids her goe home quietly. So downe stayres goes she peartly,²⁰⁴ and the wondring people that staid at doore, to heare the manner of her griefe, had of her nought but knavish answers, and home went she directly. The Gentleman was so crossed in mind, and disturbed in thought at this unhappy accident, that his soule could not be in quiet, till he had beene with this wofull widdow, as hee thought, and presently went to Blacke Fryers, tooke a payre of Oares, and went directly to George Peeles house, where hee found his wife plucking of Larkes, my crying Crocadile turning of the Spit, and George pinn'd up in a blanket, at his translation. The Gentleman, more glad at the unlookt for life of George, than the losse of his money, tooke part in the good cheere George had to dinner, wondred at the cunning of the Wench, and within some few daies after had an end of his Booke.

²⁰³ A woman very finely dressed. "Whereas she wont in her feathered youthfulnesse to looke with amiable eye on her gray breast, and her speckled side sayles, all sinnowed with silver guilles."—Pierce Penilesse his Supplication to the Divell, by Thos. Nash. 1592.

²⁰⁴ Briskly, lively.

[77.] There was a great huge man 3 yards in the Waste, at S. Edmondsbury in Suffolk, that died but of late daies, (one M. Blague by name) & a good kinde Justice too, carefull for the poore; this Justice met with Tarlton in Norwich: Tarlton, said he, give me thy hand; But you, Sir, being richer, may give me a greater gift, give me your body! and imbracing him could not halfe compasse him: being merry in talke, said the Justice; Tarlton tell me one thing, what is the difference betwixt a Flea and a Louse? Marry, Sir, said Tarlton, as much and like difference, as twixt you and me; I like a Flea (see else) can skip nimbly: But you, like a fat Louse creepe slowly, and you can go no faster, were a Butcher's axe over you, ready to knock you on the head. Thou art a knave, quoth the Justice. I, Sir, I knew that ere I came hither, else had I not been here now, for ever one knave (making a stop) seekes out another: the Justice understanding him, laughed heartily.

[17.] A Gentleman had a desire to hire two resolute Ruffians to do some exploit upon one that had abused him: A little after his man brings him two whose faces were slasht and cut: No, says he, I'll have none of you, but if you can bring me those men that gave you those wounds, they are for my turn.

[4.] A Sea Captain was invited to a Hunting Match, who when he came home related what sport he had after this manner: Our Horses, says he, being well Rigg'd, we man'd them; and the Wind being at West South West, (Fifteen of us in Company) away we stood over the Downs; in the time of half a Watch, we spied a Hare under full Sail, we Tackt, and stood after her, coming up close, she Tacks, and we Tackt, upon which Tack I had like to run aground; but getting clear off, I stood after her again; but as the Devil would have it, just as I was going to lay her aboard, bearing too much Wind, I and my Horse overset and came Heel²⁰⁵ upwards.

²⁰⁵? Keel.