the complaint of M. Tenter-hooke the Proiector , and Sir T homas Dodger the Patentee . 186
"I have brought money to fill your Chest
For which I am curst by most and least."
"Ov'r many yeare a scraping is left at a clap,
All thou hast gotten by others mishap."
If any aske, what things these Monsters be,
Tis a Projector and a Patentee:
Such, as like Vermine o're this Land did crawle,
And grew so rich, they gaind the Devill and all.
186 "On a broadside, entitled as above, is a woodcut, which represents a 'Projector' who has a pig's (? fox's) face, a fox's ears, screws for legs, and fish hooks for fingers, bears a measure of coal, and a barrel of wine on his legs respectively, tobacco pipes, dice, roll tobacco, playing cards, and a bundle of hay slung to his body, papers of pins on his right arm, and a measure for spirits on his left arm, a barrel (? for soap or butter) and a dredger, (? for starch) on the skirts of his coat.
"The introduction of screws here may be illustrated by the speech of Alderman Chambers, who was prosecuted in the Star Chamber for saying that merchants were more screwed up and wronged in England than in Turkey; he was fined £2000."—Catalogue of Prints and Drawings in the British Museum, No. 263.
[101.]Loe I, that lately was a Man of fashion
The Bug-beare and the Scarcrow of this Nation
Th' admired mighty Mountee banke of Fame,
The Juggling Hocus Pocus of good name,
The Bull-begger, who did affright and feare,
And rake, and pull, teare, pill, pole, shave, and sheare,
Now Time hath pluck'd the Vizard from my face,
I am the onely Image of disgrace.
My ugly shape I hid so cunningly
(Close cover'd with the cloake of honesty)
That from the East to West from South to North,
I was a man esteem'd of ex'lent worth.
And (Sweet Sir Thomas Dodger) for your sake,
My studious time I spent, my sleepes I brake,
My braines I tost with many a strange vagary,
And (like a Spaniell) did both fetch and carry,
To you, such Projects, as I could invent,
Not thinking there would come a Parliament.
I was the great Projector, and from me,
Your Worship learn'd to be a Patentee,
I had the Art to cheat the Common-weale,
And you had tricks and slights to passe the Seale.
I tooke the paines, I travell'd, search'd, and sought
Which, (by your power) were into Patents wrought.
What was I but your journey man, I pray,
To bring youre worke to you, both night and day:
I found Stuffe, and you brought it so about
You (like a skilfull Taylor) cut it out,
And fashion'd it, but now (to our displeasure)
You fail'd exceedingly in taking measure.
My legs were Screws, to raise thee high or low,
According as your power did Ebbe or Flow:
And at your will I was Screwd up too high
That tott'ring, I have broke my necke thereby.
For you, I made my Fingers fish-hookes still
To catch at all Trades, either good or ill,
I car'd not much who lost, so we might get,
For all was Fish that came into the Net.
For you, (as in my Picture plaine appeares)
I put a Swines face on, an Asses eares,
The one to listen unto all I heard
Wherein your Worships profit was prefer'd,
The other to tast all things, good or bad.
(As Hogs will doe) where profit may be had.
Soape, Starch, Tobacco, Pipes, Pins, Butter, Haye,
Wine, Coales, Cards, Dice, and all came in my way,
I brought your worship, every day and houre,
And hope to be defended by your power.
Sir Thomas Dodgers Answer .
Alas good Tenter hooke, I tell thee plaine,
To seeke for helpe of me tis but in vaine:
My Patent which I stood upon of late,
Is like an Almanacke that's out of Date.
T'had force and vertue once, strange things to doe,
But now it wants both force and vertue too.
This was the turne of whirling Fortune's wheele,
When we least dream'd we should her changing feele.
Then Time, and fortune, both with joynt consent
Brought us to ruine by a Parliament:
I doe confesse thou broughtst me sweet conceits
Which now I find were but alluring baits,
And I, (too much an Asse) did lend mine eare,
To credit all thou saydst, as well as heare.
Thou in the Project of the Soape didst toyle,
But 'twas so slippery, and too full of oyle,
That people wondred how we held it fast
But now it is quite slipp'd from us at last.
The Project for the Starch thy wit found out,
Twas stiffe a while, now limber as a Clout,
The Pagan weed (Tobacco) was our hope
In Leafe, Pricke, Role, Ball, Pudding, Pipe, or Rope.
Brasseele, Varina, Meavis, Trinidado,
Saint Christophers, Virginia, or Barvado;
Bermudas, Providentia, Shallowcongo,
And the most part of all the rest (Mundungo187).
That Patent, with a whiffe is spent and broke,
And all our hopes (in fumo) turn'd to smoake.
Thou framdst the Butter Patent in thy braines,
(A Rope and Butter take thee for thy paines.)
I had forgot Tobacco Pipes, which are
Now like to thou and I, but brittle ware.
Dice run against us, we at Cards are crost,
We both are turn'd up Noddies,188 and all's lost.
Thus from Sice-sinke,189 we'r sunke below Dewce-ace,190
And both of us are Impes of blacke disgrace.
Pins pricke us, and Wine frets our very hearts.
That we have rais'd the price of Pints and Quarts.
Thou (in mine eares) thy lyes and tales didst foyst.
And madst me up the price of Sea-coales hoyst.
Corne, Leather, Partrich, Pheasant, Rags, Gold twist,
Thou brought'st all to my Mill, what was't we mist?
Weights, Bon lace,191 Mowstraps, new, new, Corporation,
Rattles, Seadans,192 of rare invented fashion,
Silke, Tallow, Hobby-horses, Wood, red herring,
Law, Conscience, Justice, swearing, and For-swearing.
All these thou broughtst to me, and still I thought
That every thing was good that profit brought,
But now all's found to be ill gotten pelfe,
I'le shift for one, doe thou shift for thyselfe.
FINIS.
John Taylor193
London. Printed by E. P. for Francis Coles, dwelling in the Old Baily. 1641.
187 Trashy tobacco—from the Spanish Mondóngo, paunch, tripes, black pudding.
188 Fools; but there was also a game at cards called noddy, supposed to have been the same as cribbage.
189 Corrupt French terms used for the numbers on dice—six-five.
190 Two-one.
191 Bone-lace.
192 Sedan chairs, which are said to have been introduced into England in 1581, and first used in London in 1623. Sir Sanders Duncombe obtained a patent, or privilege, for them in 1634.
193 The water poet.
[82.] A Mayor that was on hunting (by chance) one asked him how hee liked the Cry: a pox take the Dogs, saith he, they make such a bawling, that I cannot heare the Cry.
[82.] An old Justice was fast asleepe on the Bench when a poore Malefactor was judged to bee hanged; at which word the Justice suddenly awaked, and said to the Thiefe, My friend, I pray let this bee a warning to you, looke you doe so no more, for wee doe not show every man the like favour.
[94.] One seeing another wear a Threadbare Cloak, asked him whether his Cloak was not sleepy, or no? Why do you ask? said the other. Because, saith he, I think it hath not had a Nap this seven years.
[102.]Monsieur Domingo is a skilfull man,
For much experience he hath lately got,
Proving more Physick in an alehouse can,
Than may be found in any Vintner's Pot;
Beere he protests is sodden and refin'd,
But this he speakes, being single penny lin'd,
For when his purse is swolne but sixpence bigge,
Why then he sweares; now by the Lord I thinke
All Beere in Europe is not worth a figge:
A cup of Claret is the onely drinke,
And thus his praise from Beere to Wine doth goe
Even as his Purse in pence doth ebbe and flowe.
[93.] George (Peele) was invited one night by certaine of his friends to supper, at the White Horse in Friday Street: and in the evening as he was going, hee met with an old friend of his, who was so ill at the stomacke, hearing George tell him of the good cheere he went to, himselfe being unprovided both of meate and money, that he swore he had rather have gone a mile about, than have met him at that instant. And beleeve me, quoth George, I am heartily sorry that I cannot take thee along with mee, myselfe being but an invited guest; besides, thou art out of Cloathes, unfitting for such a company. Mary, this I'le doe, if thou wilt follow my advice, I'le help thee to thy supper. Any way, quoth hee to George doe thou but devise the meanes, and I'le execute it. George presently told him what hee should doe; so they parted. George (was) well entertained, with extraordinary welcome, and seated at the upper end of the Table; Supper being brought up, H.M. watched his time below; and when he saw that the meate was carried up, up hee followes, (as George had directed him) who when George saw, You whorson Rascall (quoth George) what make you heere? Sir, quoth he, I am come from the partie you wot of. You Rogue, quoth George, have I not forewarned you of this? I pray you, Sir, quoth hee, heare my Errand. Doe you prate, you Slave? quoth George, and with that, tooke a Rabbet out of the Dish, and threw it at him. Quoth hee, you use me very hardly. You Dunghill, quoth George, doe you out face me? and with that took the other Rabbet, and threw it at his head; after that a Loafe; then drawing his dagger, making an offer to throw it, the Gentleman staid him: meane while HM. got the Loafe and the two Rabbets, and away he went: which when George saw he was gone, after a little fretting, he sate quietly. So by that honest shift, hee helped his friend to his supper, and was never suspected for it of the Company.
[17.] Two Clerks belonging to one Church, and having both of them sate up most part of the night, were both asleep when Sermon was done: a man jogg'd one of them, and bid him sing a Psalm, for Sermon was done. Sing, All People, saies he: The other then awak'd, and hearing him say so said, Hang all people, sing me the hundred Psalm.
[4.] One boasting of his Credit, said, He knew a Scrivener that would lend him Fifty Pounds at any time, on his own Bond, without either Scrip or Scrowl.
[26.] One told a Story that a Miller had a Horse for many years together, whose name was Roan, and being tired with working all day, poor Jade, slept soundly at night; which a thievish fellow espying, flay'd off his Skin, whilest he slept, and went away with it: But Old Roan when he awak't (though 'twas a bitter cold night) yet, poor thing, he came home to the Mill door and neighed very loud, which the honest Miller, hearing, awak't his Wife, and askt her whether that was not the neighing of old Roan? Truly, Husband, says she, it is, let us rise and see what's the matter with him; and when they came out, they wondred to see him in such a pickle: Well Husband, says she, since 'tis as 'tis, I'd have you kill Five or Six of your Sheep (and tomorrow being Market Day, we can sell their Flesh there) and take all the Skins and clap 'em hot upon poor Roan; which he presently did, with his dear Wife's help, and clapt them hot upon the Horse's flay'd Back; which with the Cold night were presently froz'd on, and the Horse as well or rather better in health than ever he was in his life, and I am sure you'll say warmer: And this Horse, said he, they kept for many years after, and every year it brought him Thirty Tod194 of Wool: And I hope you will believe it; but if you dont believe it, I pray take notice, that I am not bound to find you stories and belief too. Then they all concluded it was true—lie so.
194 A tod of wool weighs 28 lbs.
[91.] What is that which produceth teares without sorrow, takes his journey to heaven, but dies by the way, is begot by another, yet that other is not begot without it? Resolution. Smoake.
[103.] A Clipper195 being Sentenc'd to Death, when he came to Tyburn, the Parson was very busie in preparing him for another World, amongst other things he told the Criminal, that it was no small Happiness to have had so much time to Repent, that he might have died suddenly, and by many Accidents, and so have been snatch'd away in a Moment, and gone Headlong down to Hell; but that now he was almost sure he shou'd go to Heaven, and lie in Abraham's Bosom; Say you so, Sir, says the poor Patient, 'tis very good News, but if you please you shall have my Place, for I had rather stay here a little longer.
195 Of coin, a capital offence.
[17.] A Witch being at the stake to be burnt, she saw her Son there; and being very dry, desir'd him to give her some drink: No, Mother, says the Sweet conditioned Son, 'twill do you wrong, for the dryer you be, you'll burn all the better.
[4.] A foolish young Esquire, being newly come to his Estate (taking after the old Miser his Father, grew covetous.) He hearing his Steward say, he had killed him a Bullock against Christmas. What, said he, do you mean to undo me by such extravagant Expenses? I will have but half a one killed at a time.
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