Humour, Wit, and Satire of the Seventeenth Century

Poor Robin's Prophesie, or The merry Conceited Fortune-Teller.

Although the Poet makes no large Apology,

Some insight he may have into Ass-trology,

Then buy this Song, and give your Judgment of it,

And then perhaps you'l say he's a Small Prophet

For he can tell when things will come to pass,

That you will say is strange as ever was.

Tune of, The Delights of the Bottle &c.²¹²

"With Allowance. Ro. L'Estrange.²¹³

[109.]All you that delight to hear a new song,

Or to see the world turn'd topsie turvy e're long,

Come give good attention unto these my Rhimes,

And never complain of the hardness of times,

For all will be mended, by this you may find,

And Golden days come, when the Devil is blind.

And first for the Shopkeeper, this I can tell,

That after long trusting, all things will be well,

The Gallant will pay him, what ever's his due

And make him rejoyce when he finds it is true:

False weights, & false measures, he then will not mind,

But honest will prove, when the Devil is blind.

The Country Client that comes up to Term,

Likewise from this subject, good news he may learn,

A benefit which he shall never more leese

For Lawyers hereafter will plead without Fees:

You shall have Law freely, if you be inclin'd,

Without any charge, when the Devil is blind.

The Usurer open his Coffers will throw,

And break all his Locks both above and below,

He'l burn all his Parchments, and cancel his Bands,

And freely return all his Morgaged Lands;

Young heirs will be glad for to see them so kind,

But that will not be till the Devil is blind.

The Learned Phisitian who valued his wealth,

Will now be more chary of all peoples health,

And make it his business howe're he doth thrive,

To pussle his brains for to keep men alive:

Nor Mountebank Bills in the Streets you shall find,

For they'l keep in their lies, when the Devil is Blind.

Your Lady of pleasure that us'd for to rant,

And Coach it about with her lusty Gallant,

Will then become modest, and find a new way

To live like a Nun in a Cloyster all day:

Her Pride, and her painting she never will mind,

But seem like a Saint when the Devil is blind.

Yea the Bullies themselves that did use for to rore,

And spent great estates in good wine and a w——

Shall leave off their gameing, and fairly take up,

And scarcely will tast of the Grape half a Cup,

But leave good Canary, and Claret behind,

Small Tipple to Drink, when the Devil is blind.

The Hecks²¹⁴ and the Padders²¹⁵ who used to prey,

And venture abroad for no purchase, no pay,

Shall work for their livings, and find a new trade,

And never more travel like Knights of the Blade;

Let Newgate stand empty, and then you will find

All this will prove true, when the Devil is blind.

All Trades men will strive for to help one another,

And friendly will be, like to Brother and Brother,

And keep up their prices that money may flow,

Their charge to maintain and to pay what they owe:

Then two of a trade shall agree, if you mind,

And all will be well when the Devil is blind.

The Tapsters no more shall their Ticklers froth,

No Coffee men blind us with their Ninny broth,

Full measures of liquor shall pass through the Land,

And men without money the same shall command;

You'l say 'tis a wonder when this you do find,

And that you will sure when the Devil is blind.

Not onely the City shall find this welfare,

But throughout the Country the same they shall share,

No cheating and couzening tricks shall be us'd,

For by such deceit we have all been abus'd;

Those men who of late with Duke Humphrey have din'd

With plenty shall flow, when the Devil is blind.

Then let us be merry and frolick amain,

Since the golden world is returning again,

We shall be all Gallants, as sure as a Gun,

When this work is finisht that's hardly begun;

Then Poets in both pockets Guinneys²¹⁶ shall find,

And purchase estates when the Devil is blind.

FINIS.

Printed for F. Coles, T. Vere, J. Wright and J. Clarke.

²¹² For tune, see Appendix, same as The Leather Bottel.

²¹³ Licensed from 1663 to 1685.

²¹⁴ Probably a contraction for hector or bully.

²¹⁵ Footpad.

²¹⁶ Guineas were made from the gold from the West Coast of Africa, and were first coined in 1663, the African company having by charter the right of stamping an elephant on the coin.

[110.] Evermore when Maister Hobson²¹⁷ had any busines abroad, his prentices wold ether bee at the taverne, filling there heads with wine, or at the dagger in cheapeside, cramming their bellies with minced pyes, but above al other times, it was their common custome (as London prentises use) to follow their maisters upon Sundays to the Church dore, and then to leave them and hie unto the taverne, which Maister Hobson on a time perceving one of his men to doe, demanded at his comming home what the Preachers text was: Sir (quoth the fellow) I was not at the beginning; what was in the middle (quoth Maister Hobson) Sir, (qd the fellow) then was I asleepe: said Maister Hobson againe, what then was the conclusion? then Replyed his servant, I was come, Sir, away before the end; by which meanes he knew well he was not there, but rather in some tippling house offending Gods majesty, and the lawes of the land. Therefore the next Sunday morning after, Maister Hobson called all his servants together, and in the sight of many of his neighbors and their prentises, tooke a peece of chaulke, & chaulkd them all the way along to the Church derectly, which proved a great shame to his owne servants, but a good example to all others of like condition; after this was never the like mesdemenour used amongst them.

²¹⁷ He must not be confounded with the Cambridge carrier, whose famous dictum has passed into a proverb, "Hobson's choice, that or none," that is, his inflexible rule was for his customer to take the horse he apportioned to him or go without. Our Hobson may be best described in the words of his editor:—"In the beginning of Queene Elizabeths most happy raigne, our late deceased Soveraigne, under whose peaceful government long flourished this our Country of England; There lived in the Citty of London, a merry Citizen named old Hobson, a haberdasher of small wares, dwelling at the lower end of cheapside, in the Poultry: as well known through this part of England, as a Sergeant knows the Counter-gate, he was a homely plaine man, most commonly wearing a button'd cap close to his eares, a short gowne girt hard about his middle, and a paire of slippers upon his feete of an ancient fashion; as for his wealth it was answerable to the better sort of our Cittizens, but of so mery a disposition, that his equal therein is hardly to be found; hereat let the pleasant disposed people laugh, and the more graver in Carriage take no exceptions, for here are merriments without hurt, and humorous jests savoring upon wisdome; read willingly, but scoffe not spitefully, for old Hobson spent his dayes merrily."

[17.] One affirmed that he had seen a Cabbage so big, that Five hundred men on hors back might stand under its shade; and I for my part, says another, have seen a Caldron so wide, That Three hundred men wrought therein, each distant from the other twenty yards: Then the Cabbage-lyer ask'd him, For what use was that Caldron? Says he, To boil your Cabbage in.

[67.] A man excused y^e beating of his wife, because she was his owne flesh, saying, may I not beat mine owne flesh? and she upon that excused y^e scratching of him, saying, May I not scratch mine own head?

[102.]An honest Vicker, and a kind consort,

That to the Alehouse friendly would resort,

To have a game at Tables now and than,

Or drinke his pot, as soone as any man:

As faire a gamster, and as free from brawl,

As ever man should need to play withall:

Because his Hostesse pledg'd him not carouse,

Rashly in choller did forsweare her house.

Taking the glasse, this was the oath he swore,

Now by this drinke, I'le nere come hither more.

But mightily his Hostesse did repent,

For al her guests to the next Ale house went,

Following their Vickars steps in everie thing:

He led the Parish even by a string.

At length his ancient Hostesse did complaine

She was undone unlesse he came againe.

Desiring certain friends of hers and his,

To use a pollicie, which should be this:

Because with cunning he should not forsweare him,

To save his oath, they on their backs might bear him.

Of this good course the Vicker well did thinke,

And so they alwayes carried him to drinke.

[4.] The Lord Bacon going the Northern Circuit, a Fellow that was try'd for Robbing, was very importunate with the Judge to be favourable to him, telling him he was a kin to his Lordship: Why, how so? said the Judge. Why answered the Fellow, An't please your Lordship, your Name is Bacon, and my name is Hog, and those two are alike. 'Tis true, said the Judge; but you and I can't be kindred till you are Hang'd, for Hog is never good Bacon till 'tis Hang'd.

[26.] Another Story was, That he being in a Low room, with some Gentlemen a drinking a bottle of Ale; he saw the Man of the House open a Bottle, and the Cork flew up with such a Violence, that it strook his Hat off his Head, and after that went through the Cieling of that Room and another Room above that, which was two pair of Stairs high, and kill'd a Man and his Wife as they lay in Bed, and from thence flew up into the Garret, and they could not get it out with a Hammer and Mallet.

Sir, says another, to make good your Story, which I saw with my own Eyes, that being with some others in an upper Room, one was then opening a Bottle of Ale, and the Cork then flew up with such a violence thorow the Top of the House, that it broke the Cieling and Tiles also, and kill'd a Kite as he was flying just then over the House; and the hole was so big which the Cork had made, that down fell the Kite thorow the hole, and they, opening the Kite to see where she was wounded, found two great Chickens in her Belly, which they sold to pay for their Drink, and after that, would never drink in any other Room in that House: but I don't know that it ever hapned so agen; for these things, though there be truth in 'em, don't happen every day so.

[103.] A Woman very much addicted to Tipling, and having a Cup of a large size, out of which she usually drank, and in which she never left a drop, her Husband chid her for it, and said, It was not decent for a Woman to drink so great a quantity: She told him, that the Virgin Mary being at the bottom of the Cup, she could not but admire her beautiful Face: upon which he broke that Cup, and bought her another something less, with the Devil painted at the bottom of it; however, She always swallowed up all the Liquor in it; and being repremanded again by her Husband for her excessive Drinking: Oh, says she, I do it because the foul Fiend should not have one drop of it.