Humour, Wit, and Satire of the Seventeenth Century

Come buy this new Ballad, before you doe goe; If you raile at the Author, I know what I know.

To the Tune of, Ile tell you but so.

[89.]It is an old saying

that few words are best,

And he that sayes little,

shall live most at rest:

And I by experience

doe finde it right so,

Therefore Ile spare speech,

but I know what I know.

Yet shall you perceive well,

though little I say,

That many enormities

I will display:

You may guesse my meaning

by that which I show,

I will not tell all

but I know &c.

There be some great climbers

compos'd of ambition,

To whom better-born men

doe bend with submission:

Proud Lucifer climbing

was cast very low,

Ile not stay these men.

but I know &c.

There be many Foxes

that goe on two legges,

They steale greater matters

than Cocks, Hens and Egges;

To catch many Guls

in Sheepes cloathing they goe

They might be destroy'd

but I know &c.

There be many men

that Devotion pretend,

And make us beleeve

that true Faith theyle defend:

Three times in one day

to Church they will goe,

They cozen the world,

but I know &c.

There be many rich men

both Yeomen and Gentry,

That for their owne private gaine

hurt a whole Countrey:

By closing free Commons,

yet they'le make as though

Twere for common good,

but I know &c.

There be divers Papists

that to save their Fine,

Come to Church once a moneth

to heare Service Divine:

The Pope gives them power,

as they say, to doe so

They save money by't too

but I know &c.

There be many Upstarts

that spring from the Cart,

Who gotten to th' Court

play the Gentleman's part:

Their fathers were plaine men,

they scorne to be so,

They think themselves brave

but I know &c.

There be many Officers

men of great place,

To whom, if one sue

for their favour and grace,

He must bribe their servants

while they make as though

They know no such thing,

but I know &c.

There be many Women

that seem very pure,

A kisse from a stranger

they'le hardly endure:

They are like Lucretia,

modest in show.

I will accuse none,

but I know &c.

Likewise there be many

dissembling men,

That seeme to hate Drinking

and Women, yet when

They meet with a Wench

to the Taverne they'le goe,

They are civill all day

but I know &c.

There be many Batchelors

that to beguile

Beleeving kind Lasses,

use many a wile,

They all sweare that they love,

when they meane nothing so,

And boast of these tricks

but I know &c.

There's many an Usurer,

that like a Drone,

Doth idly live

upon his moneys Lone:

From Tens unto Hundreds

his money doth grow,

He sayes he doth good,

but I know &c.

There be many Gallants

that goe in gay Rayment,

For which the Taylor

did never receive payment;

They ruffle it out

with a gorgeous show,

Some take them for Knights,

but I know &c.

There be many Rorers

that swagger and rore,

As though they in the warres had been,

seven yeeres or more:

And yet they never lookt

in the face of a Foe;

They seeme gallant Sparkes

but I know &c.

There's many both Women

and Men that appeare

With beautifull Outsides

the Worlds eyes to bleare:

But all is not Gold

that doth glister in show,

They are fine with a Pox,

but I know &c.

There's many rich Trades-men

who live by Deceit,

And in Weight and Measure

the poore they doe cheat,

They'le not sweare an Oath

but indeed, I, and No,

They truly protest,

but I know &c.

There be many people

so given to strife,

That they'le goe to Law

for a two-penny Knife,

The Lawyers ne're aske them

why they doe so,

He gets by their hate,

but I know &c.

I know there be many

will carpe at this Ballet,

Because it is like

sowre Sawce to their Pallet;

But he, shee, or they,

let me tell ere I goe,

If they speak against this Song

I know what I know.

FINIS.

Printed by the Assignes of Thomas Symcocke.¹⁵³

¹⁵³ Published in 1620, and assigned his patent the same year. He is also heard again of in 1642, when his patent was petitioned against, but unsuccessfully.

[82.] A Proper Gentlewoman went to speak with a rich Mizer that had more Gowt than good manners, at her taking leave hee requested her to tast a Cup of Canara: Shee (contrary to his expectation) tooke him at his word and thanked him. Hee commanded Jeffrey Starveling his man, to wash a glasse, and fill it to the Gentlewoman. Honest Jeffrey fill'd a great glasse about the bignesse of two Taylors thimbles, and gave it to his master, who kist it to save cost, and gave it to the Gentlewoman, saying that it was good Canara of six yeeres old at the least, to whom shee answered (seeing the quantity so small,) Sir, as you requested me, I have tasted your wine, but I wonder that it should be so little, being of such a great age.

[61.] There were two notable boon Companions which when they were met were alwayes so indeared to each others Company that very seldom an earlier houre than midnight could part them, but when they were drunk they had two troublesome infirmities, Jack could not goe nor Will could not speak; therefore one night before they fell to drinking, they made Articles of Agreement that when they were drunke Will should carry Jack, and Jack should speak for Will, and after this agreement to drinking they went pell-mell, untill the one was drunk, and the other lame: So after they had paid the Reckoning, Will takes up Jack a pick-pack and carries him to Ludgate, and being very weary sets him down in the dark close by the prison. The Constable and Watch who were within the Gate hearing a bustle, called out, saying, Who goes there? Come before the Constable. Will could goe well enough, but could not speak, so he went over to the Constable, who examined him whence he came, and why he was out so late, and where he lived; to which Will could answer nothing, but make mouths: but Jack having his tongue at liberty, as he was sitting in the blind hole, cryes to the Constable, Sir, he cannot speak. Upon that the Constable asked who was that which spake, and commanded him to come before him; to which Jack made answer, Sir, I can't goe, at which the Constable and Watch laught; Will took up his load again and away they marcht.

To his Quill.

[5.]Thou hast been wanton, therefore it is meet,

Thou shouldst do penance—do it in a sheet.

[128.] Caricature of different religious sects. 1646.

[78.] One said Physitians had the best of it, for, if they did well, the world did proclaime it, if ill, the earth did cover it.

[77.] Upon a time, as Tarlton and his Wife (as passengers) came sailing from Southampton towards London, a mighty storme arose, and endangered the Ship, whereupon, the Captaine thereof charged every man to throw into the Sea the heaviest thing he could best spare, to the end to lighten somewhat the Ship. Tarlton, that had his Wife there, offered to throw her over-boord: but the company rescued her; and being asked wherefore he meant so to doe? he answerd, She is the heaviest thing I have, and I can best spare her.

[4.] A Welshman that was condemned to be hanged, had the benefit¹⁵⁴ of Clergy granted to him, and so was burnt in the Hand; which when it was doing, they bid him say. God bless the King. Nay, says he, God bless hur Father and Mother; for if they had not taught hur to read, hur might have been hanged for all the King.

¹⁵⁴ This plea was put in for mitigation of punishment, the person presumably being a clerk or learned person, exemplified by his being able to read, the punishment then being commuted to burning on the hand. In later days it became a farce, as a bribe would have the effect of being apparently branded with only a warm or cold iron.

[4.] One asking a certain Person how his friend came off at the Sessions House? he told him he was to be Burnt in the Hand; Pish, says the other, that's a small matter; for, for a little Fee, the'll Burn him in the Hand with a cold Iron.

[5.]Marriage as old men note, hath likened bin

Unto a publique feast, or common route,

Where those that are without, would fain get in,

And those that are within would faine get out.

[26.] A Gentleman that had a great Wit, and well belov'd among the great ones, and therefore invited often amongst them; but it seems had a very sore Leg; he, being at a Noble mans Table, greedily cat'd at a Goblet of Wine. Says my Lord to him, Prithee Jack drink it not, for 'twill hurt thy Leg. O my Lord, says he, take no care for my Leg, for I have care enough of that, for I always drink o' the t' other side.