Humour, Wit, and Satire of the Seventeenth Century

A Merry Dialogue between Thomas and John . in the praise and dispraise of Women and Wine.

Thomas against the Women doth contend,

But John most stoutly doth their cause defend;

Young and old read these lines that ensue,

You'l all confess that what I write is true,

I know no reason but that without dispute

This may as well be printed as sung to a Lute.

To a gallant delightful new Tune, well known among Musitioners, and in Play-houses: Called Women and Wine.

Thomas

[71.]Some Women are like to the Wine,

like the Sea, and like the Rocks,

But they that proves them soon may find 'em

like the Wine and Weathercocks.

But if you'l believe me,

i'le tell you true

What light Women are likeunto,

Wine, Women and Wine,

thus you may compare them too.

John

Women most Constant Men doth find,

not like the Sea, but like the Rocks,

They are evermore loving and kind,

not like the Wine and Weather Cocks

But if &c

Thomas

Women have hooks, and women have crooks,

so hath the Wine, so hath the Wine,

Which draws great Lawyers from their books

more than the Wine, more than the Wine.

But if &c

John

Women have beauty and fair looks,

So hath the Wine, so hath the Wine,

Far surpassing the Lawyers books

more than the Wine, more than the Wine.

But if you'l believe me

i'le tell you true

What good Women are like unto,

Wine, Wine, Women and Wine,

thus may you compare them too.

Thomas

Women are Witches when they may

so is the Wine, so is the Wine,

Which causeth men from their Wives to stray,

so will the Wine, so will the Wine.

But if you'l believe me

i'le tell you true

What light Women are like unto,

Wine, Wine, Women and Wine,

thus may you compare them too.

John

Women are witty when they may,

so is not Wine, so is not Wine,

And causeth Men at home to stay,

so doth not Wine, so doth not Wine.

But if &c

Thomas

Women have arms for to imbrace,

more than the Wine, more than the Wine,

Which brings brave Gallants to disgrace,

so doth the Wine, so doth the Wine.

But if &c

John

Women most sweetly do imbrace

more than the Wine, more than the Wine,

And save their Husbands from disgrace,

so doth not Wine, so doth not Wine.

But if &c

Thomas

Women's tongues are like sharp swords,

so is the Wine, so is the Wine,

Which urgeth men to swear damn'd Oaths,

so doth the Wine, so doth the Wine.

But if &c

John

Women's tongues do speak sweet Words,

so doth not Wine, so doth not Wine;

They can persuade from damned Oaths,

so will not Wine, so will not Wine.

But if &c

Thomas

Women they do use to change,

so doth the Wine, so doth the Wine,

And often times abroad will range

when Sun doth shine, when Sun doth shine.

But if &c

John

Good Women they will never change,

so will the Wine, so will the Wine,

For profit they abroad will range,

Hail, Rain or Shine, Hail Rain or Shine.

But if &c

Thomas

Women they will fight and brawl,

fill'd with Wine, fill'd with Wine,

Their Husbands they will Cuckolds call,

inflam'd with Wine, inflam'd with Wine.

But if &c

John

Good Women they will comfort all,

like the best Wine, like the best Wine,

Whatever Sorrow doth befall,

so will good Wine, so will good Wine.

But if you'l believe me,

i'le tell you true,

What good Women are like unto,

Wine, Wine, Women and Wine,

thus you may compare them to.

Printed for J. Williamson,¹¹¹ at the Sun and Bible in Cannon Street near London Stone.

¹¹¹ Published in 1665.

[17.] A Welch man in heat of blood, challenged an Englishman at Sword and Buckler; but the Englishman giving him a lusty blow on the leg which vext him, he threw down his Weapon, swearing Splut, was not her Buckler broad enough, but her must hit her on the leg?

[52.] A Bulkin¹¹² well knowne in divers places for his mad conceits, and his couzenage, upon a time came into Kent to Sittingborne; and in divers Villages there-about set up bills that all sorts of people, young and old, that would come to Sittingborne, on such a day, they should find a man there, that would give a remedy for all kinds of diseases; and also would tell them what would happen unto any of them in five or Six yeares after: and he would desire but two pence a piece of any of them. Whereupon came people of all sorts and from all places: so that he gathered of the people that came to the value of twenty pounds: and he had provided a Stage, and set it up, and placed a chaire where he would sit: and so, they being all come in, and every one set in order, he comes to the gate, and takes the money from them that gathered it, and bids them looke that good rule be kept, and so they did: also hee bid them by and by sound the drumme, and then he would begin his Orations. He, when they were gone, with all haste gets him to the backe-side, and there having his Gelding, gets upon his backe, and away towards Rochester rides he, as fast as ever he could gallop. Now they, thinking he had beene preparing of things in a readinesse, sounded the drumme. The Audience looked still when he would come, and staying one, two, or three houres, nay more, thought sure they were cozened. Whereupon one of the Company seeing a paper in the chaire on the Stage, tooke it, wherein was written.

Now you have heard the sound of the drumme,

You may all depart like fooles as you come.

Whereupon the men falling to cursing and swearing, the women to scolding, scratching, and biting, were fame to depart like fooles indeed.

¹¹² Or bulchin, is a little bull, or bull calf.

[12.]A Man being cold

In's Boots, was so bold,

To stand near the fire for remedy;

You'l burn your Spurs, says Jane,

My Boots sure you mean;

No, Sir, they are burnt already.

[26.] A Scholar coming home from Cambridge to his Father, his Father askt him what he had learnt? Why Father, says he, I'll prove that this Capon is better than the blessing of God. How Zon, says he, come, let's hear it; Why thus, Father, says he, nothing you know is better than the blessing of God, and this Leg of the Capon is better than Nothing: Ergo.

[52.] In London dwelt a mad conceited fellow, which with his wit lived with Gallants and domineered with good fellowes. Not very long agoe, in Hay-harvest, he gets a Pitchforke on his neck, went forth towards Islington in the morning, and meets with two loads of Hay, comming towards the City to be sold: for the which hee bargained with them that owned the same, for thirty shillings. But whither shall wee bring them? quoth they. To the Swanne by Smithfield, said hee. And so went his way, and left them: then to the Swan he went, to the good man of the house, and asked if he would buy two loades of Hay? Yes, quoth the Inne keeper, where be they? Here they come, quoth he. What shall I pay, quoth the In-keeper? Foure Nobles¹¹³ a load, quoth the Make-shift. But at the last they agreed for twenty shillings. When they were come, he bad them unload the Hay. So while they were unloading of it, hee came to the Inne-holder, and said, I pray you let me have my money: for while my men unload, I will buy some stuffe to have home with me. The Inne-holder was content, and gave him money, and so hee went away. When the men had unloaded their Hay they came and demanded their money. I have paid your Master (quoth the Inne holder). What Master? quoth they. Marry, quoth hee, he that bad you bring the Hay hither. Wee know him not quoth they. Nor I neither, quoth hee, but with him I bargained, and him have I paid; with you I meddled not, and therefore go seeke him if you will. And so the poore men were cozened.

¹¹³ A noble was 6s. 8d.

[72.]

This wife a wondrous racket meanes to keepe,

While th'Husband seemes to sleepe but do'es not sleepe:

But she might full as well her Lecture smother,

For ent'ring one Eare, it goes out at t'other.

The accompanying quaint illustration shows the antiquity of "Mrs. Caudle's Curtain Lectures."¹¹⁴

¹¹⁴ At p. 107 the very phrase is mentioned, "These need not feare to have their shoulders besprinkled with Zantippee's livery; or to have their breakfast chang'd into a Morning Curtaine Lecture."

[5.]A friend of Durus comming on a day

To visite him, finding the doores say nay;

Being lock'd fast up, first knocks, and then doth pause,

As Lord have mercy on's¹¹⁵ had bin the cause;

But missing it, he ask't a neighbour by

When the rich Durus' (doors) were lock'd and why?

He said it was a Custome growne of late

At diner time to lock your great man's gate,

Durus' his poor friend admir'd & thought the door

Was not for State lock'd up, but 'gainst the poore,

And thence departing empty of good cheere,

Said, Lord have mercy on us is not there.

¹¹⁵ Houses visited by the plague were marked by a cross chalked on the door, and also the words, "Lord have mercy on us."

[72.]A Man there was, who liv'd a merry life,

Till in the end he tooke him to a Wife;

One that no image was (for shee could speake)

And now and then her husbands costrell¹¹⁶ breake:

So fierce she was and furious, as in summe,

She was an arrant Devill of her tongue.

This drove the poore man to a discontent,

And oft, and many times did he repent

That e're hee chang'd his former quiet state,

But 'las, repentance then did come too late.

No cure he finde to cure this maladie,

But makes a vertue of necessitie,

The common cure for care to every man,

"A potte of nappy Ale:" where he began

To fortifie his braine 'gainst all should come,

'Mongst which the clamour of his wives loud tongue

This habit graffed¹¹⁷ in him grew so strong,

That when he was from Ale, an houre seem'd long,

So well hee lik'd th' profession: on a Time

Having staid long at pot (for rule nor line

Limits no drunkard) even from Morne to Night,

He hasted home apace, by the Moone-light:

Where as he went, what phantasies were bred,

I doe not know, in his distempered head,

But a strange Ghost appear'd, and forc'd him stay,

With which perplext, hee thus began to say:

"Good Spirit, if thou be, I need no charme,

For well I know, thou wilt not doe mee harme;

And if the Devill; sure mee thou shoulds't not hurt,

I wed't thy Sister, and am plagued for't."

The Spirit, well approving what he said,

Dissolv'd to ayre, and quickly vanished.

¹¹⁶ Head.

¹¹⁷ Grafted.

[17.] A Taylor sent his bill to a Lawyer for money; the Lawyer bid the Boy tell his Master, that he was not running away (being very busie at that time). The Boy comes again, and tells him he must needs have his money. Did'st tell him, I was not running away? Yes Sir, but he bid me tell you, that though you were not running away, yet he was.

[17.] A Schollar was lock'd out of Wadham Colledge, and about ten a Clock he came and knockt; the Porter came to the Gate, and told him the Warden had took up the keys with him: Pray, says he to the Porter, go to the Warden, and tell him I am here: Truly, Sir, says he, the Warden is angry with me already, I dare not do it: but if you'll go your self, it may be he'll give you the keys.

[5.]He's rich that hath great in-comes by the year;

Then that great belly'd man is rich, Ile swear:

For sure, his belly ne'r so big had bin,

Had he not daily had great comings in.

[26.] One meeting a mad Fellow that was drunk, ask't him whither he was going? says he, I am going to the Tavern: No, says t'other, that you are not; for Drunkenness is the way to Hell, and thither you are going. Puh, says the Drunkard, you are therein much mistaken; and I ne'r fear that, for I am so drunk, that my Legs are not able to carry me so far; and what need I go thither agen, for I came from the Devil¹¹⁸ (Tavern) but now.

¹¹⁸ In Fleet Street, close by where Temple Bar stood, now Messrs. Childs' Bank.