Chap. XIII In Which Is Continued the Adventure of the Knight of the Wood — With a Sage, Uncommon, and Agreeable Dialogue, That Passed Between the Two Squires
The knights and their squires being thus parted, the first entertained each other with the story of their loves, while the last indulged themselves with a reciprocal account of their own lives: but the history first of all records the conversation of the domesticks, and then proceeds to relate what passed between the masters. The squires, therefore, having chosen a situation at a convenient distance from the knights, he of the wood accosted Sancho in these words: ‘Signior, this is a troublesome life that we squires to knights-errant lead; in good soothe, we earn our bread with the sweat of our brows, which is one of the curses that God denounced against our first parents.’—‘It may also be said,’ replied Sancho, ‘that we earn it with the frost of our bodies; for no creatures on earth suffer more heat and cold than the miserable squires of knight-errantry; and even that would be more tolerable, if we had any thing good to eat; for, Hearty fare lightens care, as the saying is; but we often pass a whole day, nay sometimes two, without ever breaking our fast, except upon the winds of heaven.’—‘All this,’ said the other, ‘may be endured, with the hope of reward; for if the knight-errant is not extremely unfortunate, his squire must, in a very little time, see himself recompensed with the handsome government of some island, or with the possession of a profitable earldom.’—‘For my own part,’ answered Sancho, ‘I have already told my master, that I shall be satisfied with the government of an island, which he has been so noble and generous as to promise me, divers and sundry times.’—’And I,’ said the stranger, ‘am contented with a canonship, which my master has already bespoke for me, on account of my faithful services.’—‘It seems, then, your master must be an ecclesiastical knight,’ replied Sancho, ‘seeing he can provide for his squire in the church: but as for mine, he is a mere layman; though I remember, that certain very wise persons (and yet, I believe, not very honest at bottom) advised him to procure for himself an archbishoprick; but he would be nothing but an emperor: and I was then in a grievous quandary, for fear he should take it in his head to be of the church; in which case, I should not have been qualified to hold a benefice; for your worship must know, though I look like a man, I am no better than a beast at church-matters.’—‘Verily,’ said he of the wood, ‘your worship mistakes the matter quite; your governments of islands are not at all desirable; some are vexatious, some are beggarly, others attended with much melancholy and fatigue; in short, the most creditable and orderly brings along with it a load of care and inconvenience, that lies heavy on the shoulders of the unhappy person whose lot it is to bear it: it would be abundantly better for us to undergo this accursed slavery, to return to our own homes, and there amuse ourselves with more agreeable pastime; such, for example, as hunting or fishing; for what squire is there on earth, so poor as to want a horse, a couple of hounds, and a fishing-rod, wherewith to entertain himself at his own habitation?’
‘For my own part,’ answered Sancho, ‘I want none of these conveniencies: true it is I have not a horse, but then I am in possession of an ass, which is worth my master’s steed twice over. God let me never see a joyful Easter, if I would truck with him for four bushels of barley to boot; you may laugh, if you will, at the price I set upon Dapple, (for that is the colour of my beast;) then, I should never be in want of hounds; for there are plenty, and to spare, in our town, and you know nothing is so relishing as to hunt at another’s expence.’—‘Really and truly, Signior Squire,’ resumed the stranger, ‘I am fully resolved and determined to quit these knights-errant, with all their crazy pranks, and betake myself to my own town, where I will bring up my children; for, thank God, I have three, like as many oriental pearls.’—’And I have a couple,’ said Sancho, ‘that may be presented to the pope in person; especially my daughter, whom I breed up to be a countess, by the blessing of God, though it be contrary to her mother’s inclination.’—’And of what age may this young lady be, whom you are breeding for a countess?’ said the squire of the wood. ‘Fifteen years, or thereabouts,’ answered Sancho; ‘but she is as tall as a spear, fresh as an April morn, and strong as a porter.’—‘These are qualifications not only for a countess, but even for the nymph of the greenwood-tree,’ said the other: ‘ah, the whoreson baggage! what a buxom jade she must be.’ Sancho, nettled at this epithet, replied, ‘She is no whore, neither was her mother before her; nor shall either of them be so, an please God, whilst I live: so I think you might talk more civilly; for, considering your worship has been bred among knights-errant, who are, as it were, courtesy itself, methinks your words might be better chosen.’—‘How little are you acquainted with the nature of commendation, Signior Squire?’ answered he of the wood. ‘Don’t you know, that when any cavalier, at a bull-feast, wounds the bull dextrously, or when any person behaves remarkably well, the people exclaim, “How cleverly the son of a whore has done it?” and that which looks like reproach, is on such occasions a notable commendation. Take my word, Signior, you ought to renounce all children, if their behaviour does not entitle the parents to such praise.’—‘I do renounce them,’ answered Sancho; ‘at that rate, and for that reason, your worship may call my wife and daughter as many whores as you please; for both in word and deed, they richly deserve the name; and that I may see them again, I beseech God to deliver me from this mortal sin, which will be the case, if he delivers me from this dangerous employment of squire, which I have incurred a second time, being seduced and enticed by a purse of one hundred ducats, which I found one day in the midst of the Brown Mountain; and the devil continually sets before mine eyes, here and there and every where, a bag full of doubloons, which, at every step, methinks I have fast in my clutches, hugging it in my arms, and carrying it home to my own house, where I purchase mortgages and estates, and live like any prince; and while I please myself with these notions, I bear, without murmuring, all the toils and fatigues I undergo, in the service of the wiseacre my master, who, I know, is more of a madman than a knight.’
‘So that, according to the proverb,’ replied the stranger, ‘Covetousness bursts the bag. But if you talk of wiseacres, there is not a greater in the universe than my master, who is one of those concerning whom people say, He is burdened like an ass, with another man’s load; for truly he is turned mad, that another knight may turn wise, and is going about in quest of that which, when he hath found it, may hit him in the teeth.’—’And pray, is he in love?’ said Sancho. ‘Yes,’ replied the other, ‘he is enamoured of one Casildea de Vandalia, the most fickle dame that ever was seen; but her cruelty is not the foot that he halts upon at present: he has got other crotchets of greater importance grumbling in his gizzard, which ere long will more plainly appear.’—‘There is no road so smooth,’ resumed Sancho, ‘but you’ll meet with rubs and hollows in it. Other people use beans, but I boil whole kettles full. Madness is always more accompanied and followed after, than discretion: but if it be true, as it is commonly alledged, that company in affliction lessens the weight of it, I shall comfort myself by reflecting that your worship serves a master who is as distracted as mine.’—‘Distracted, I grant you,’ said he of the wood, ‘but valiant, and still mere mischievous than valiant or distracted.’—‘That is not the case with my master,’ replied Sancho, ‘he has nothing at all mischievous about him; on the contrary, is as dull as a beetle, and knows not what it is to harm man, woman, or child, or to harbour the least malice, but seeks to do good unto all mankind. A child may persuade him that it is night at noon; and, indeed, for that very simplicity, I love him as my own bowels, and cannot find in my heart to leave him, notwithstanding all the mad pranks he is guilty of.’—‘But for all that, Signior and brother of mine,’ said the stranger, ‘if the blind lead the blind, they are both in danger of falling into the ditch. We had much better retire fair and softly, and return to our own habitations; for they who go in search of adventures do not always find them to their liking.’
About this time Sancho began to hawk a kind of dry spitting; which being observed by the charitable squire of the wood, ‘Methinks,’ said he, ‘we have talked till our tongues cleave to the roofs of our mouths; but I have got something that will agreeably moisten them, at my saddle-bow.’ He accordingly got up, and going aside to his horse, soon returned with a large leathern bottle of wine, and a pye half a yard long: and this is really no exaggeration; for it contained a whole fed rabbit, so large, that when Sancho felt it, he took it for a whole goat or a large kid at least, crying, as soon as he perceived it, ‘How! does your worship usually carry such provision as this about with you?’—‘What d’ye think?’ answered the other; ‘d’ye take me for a hackney squire151? I carry a better cupboard on my horse’s crupper than e’er a general on his march.’
Sancho fell to, without staying for intreaty, and swallowed, in the dark, huge mouthfuls, with as much ease as if it had been flummery, saying between whiles, ‘Yes, indeed, your worship is a true and loyal squire, well dammed and gristed, as the saying is, grand and magnificent withal, as plainly appears from this banquet, which, if it did not come hither by the art of inchantment, at least seems so to have done; this is not the case with such an unlucky poor devil as me, who carry nothing in my bags but a piece of cheese hard enough to knock out a giant’s brains, accompanied by three or four dozen of carrobes, and as many hazle-nuts; thanks to the niggardliness and opinion of my master, and the rule he observes, by which knights-errant must maintain and support themselves with nothing but dried fruits, and the herbs of the field.’—‘In good faith, brother!’ resumed he of the wood, ‘my stomach was not made for your sweet thistle, wild pear, and mountain roots; let our masters please themselves with their own opinions and rules of chivalry, and live according to their meagre commands; for my own part, I always carry some cold pasty, happen what will, and this bottle hanging at my saddle-bow, which I love so devoutly, that I kiss and embrace it almost every minute.’ So saying, he handed it to Sancho, who lifting it up to his mouth, stood gazing at the stars a whole quarter of an hour, and when his draught was out, he hung his head on one side, pronouncing with a long sigh, ‘Ah, whoreson! how catholick it is!’—‘You see now,’ said he of the wood, hearing Sancho’s whoreson, ‘how you have praised the wine, by giving it such a title.’—‘I am sensible,’ replied Sancho, ’and confess that it is no disparagement to any body to be called the son of a whore, when it is understood in the way of commendation; but tell me, Signior, by the life of what you best love, is not this wine from Cividad Real?’
‘You have an excellent taste,’ answered he of the wood, ‘it comes from no other part, I’ll assure you; and has, moreover, some good years over its head.’—‘Let me alone for that,’ said Sancho, ‘you’ll never catch me tripping in the knowledge of wine, let it be never so difficult to distinguish; is it not an extraordinary thing, Signior Squire, that I should have such a sure and natural instinct in the knowledge of wine, that give me but a smell of any kind whatever, and I will tell you exactly its country, growth, and age, together with the changes it will undergo, and all other circumstances appertaining to the mystery? But this is not to be wondered at; for, by my father’s side, I had two kinsmen who were the most excellent tasters that La Mancha hath known for these many years; as a proof of which, I will tell you what once happened to them. A sample of wine was presented to them out of a hogshead, and their opinions asked concerning the condition and quality; that is, the goodness or badness of the liquor to which it belonged; one of them tasted it with the tip of his tongue, the other did no more than clap it to his nose; the first said the wine tasted of iron, the other affirmed it had a twang of goats leather; the owner protested that the pipe was clean, and the contents without any sort of mixture that could give the liquor either the taste of iron, or the smell of goats leather: nevertheless, the two famous tasters stuck to the judgment they had given; time passed on, the wine was sold, and when the pipe came to be cleaned, they found in it a small key, tied to a leathern thong. By this your worship may perceive, whether or not one who is descended from such a race, may venture to give his opinion in cases of this nature.’—‘Therefore, I say,’ replied the stranger, ‘that we ought to quit this trade of going in quest of adventures, and be contented with our loaf, without longing for dainties; let us return to our own cottages, where God will find us, if it be his blessed will.’—‘I will serve my master till he arrives at Saragossa,’ said Sancho, ’and then we shall come to a right understanding.’
In fine, the two honest squires talked and drank so copiously, that sleep was fain to tie up their tongues, and allay their drought, which it was impossible to remove; each, therefore, grasping the bottle, which by this time was almost empty, fell asleep, with the morsel half chewed in his mouth. In this situation we will leave them for the present, and relate what happened between the knight of the wood, and him of the rueful countenance.