Chap. XVI Of Don Quixote’s Adventure With Donna Rodriguez, the Duchess’s Duenna — And Other Incidents Worthy of Eternal Fame
Exceedingly peevish and melancholy was the sore wounded Don Quixote, with his face bandaged and marked; not by the hand of his Maker, but by the claws of a cat; and, indeed, such misfortunes are annexed to chivalry. Six days did he remain in his chamber, without appearing in publick; and during this time it was, that one night, while he lay watchful and awake, musing upon his disaster, and the persecution of Altisidora, he heard a key turning in the door of his apartment, and straight imagined the enamoured damsel was come to surprize his chastity, and tempt him to forego the fidelity he owned to his mistress Dulcinea del Toboso. On this supposition, he pronounced with an audible voice, ‘No! the greatest beauty upon earth shall never have such an effect as to interfere with my adoration of her, who is impressed and engraved in the midst of my heart, and in the depth of my bowels! No, my dear mistress! whether thou art transformed into a garlick-eating wench, or as a nymph of the golden Tagus, art weaving webs of gold and silver twist: whether thou art in the power of Merlin or Montesinos; wheresoever thou mayest be, mine thou art, and wheresoever I am, I must be thine.’ This ejaculation being uttered, just as the door opened, he stood upright in his bed, wrapped up in a quilt of yellow silk, with a woollen night-cap on his head, his face and whiskers being bound up; the first, on account of the scratches he had received, and the last, in order to preserve the buckle; and in this equipage, he appeared the most extraordinary phantom that the imagination can conceive. His eyes were fixed upon the door, and when he expected to see the yielding and afflicted Altisidora enter, he beheld a most reverend duenna, with a white hemmed veil, so long as to cover her from head to foot. Between the fingers of her left hand she held a lighted candle’s end, and with her right she formed a shade to keep the glare from her eyes, which were furnished with large spectacles; and, in this trim, she came treading very softly, and moving her feet with great tranquillity as she advanced. Don Quixote surveyed her from his post, and marking her silence and appearance, concluded she was some hag or sorceress, come in that equipage to annoy him; and, in this opinion, he began to cross himself with great eagerness and devotion. The apparition advancing to the middle of the chamber, and lifting up its eyes, perceived the knight busily employed in these devout precautions: if he was afraid at sight of her, she was no less terrified at his figure; for seeing him so tall and yellow, wrapped up in the quilt, and disfigured by the bandages, she cried aloud, ‘O Jesus! what do I see?’ and in the surprize dropped the candle. Finding herself now in the dark, she attempted to make her retreat, and treading upon her own skirts in the confusion of her fear, she stumbled and fell to the ground: while Don Quixote, sweating with terror, began to ejaculate, ‘I conjure thee, O phantom! or whatever thou mayest be, to tell me who thou art, and what thou would’st have. If thou art a perturbed spirit, let me know, and I will do all that lies in my power to give thee relief; for I am a catholick Christian, well-disposed to befriend all mankind; and, in consequence of this disposition, I received the order of knight-errantry, which I now profess, and the exercise of that profession extends even so far as to give assistance to souls in purgatory.’
The duenna, bruised as she was with her fall; hearing herself exercised in this manner, guessed from her own fear the terrors of Don Quixote, and in a low and plaintive tone replied, ‘Signior Don Quixote, I am no phantom, apparition, or soul in purgatory, as your worship seems to suppose, but Donna Rodriguez, chief duenna to my Lady Duchess, and I come with one of those necessitous cases which your worship is wont to remedy.’—‘Pray, tell me, Signora Donna Rodriguez,’ said Don Quixote, ‘are you come in the office of a go-between? because, I would have you to know, that I am altogether unfit for any such commerce, thanks to the peerless beauty of my own mistress Dulcinea del Toboso. Finally, I say unto you, Signora Donna Rodriguez, if you will suppress, and lay aside all amorous messages, you may go and light your candle, and return; and we will discourse upon any subject you shall think proper to introduce, saving, as I have already observed, all your dainty incitements.’—‘Signior,’ answered the duenna, ‘I carry messages for no person. Your worship is but little acquainted with my character. Nor am I so stricken in years as to take to those fooleries; for, God be praised! there is still some soul in my body, and my teeth, grinders and all, are still in my head, except a very few I have lost by the rheums that are so rife in this country of Arragon; but, if your worship will wait a minute, I will go and light my candle, and return in an instant, and then I shall recount my disaster to you, as the physician of all disasters upon earth.’
So saying, she, without waiting for an answer, quitted the apartment, where the knight waited for her, in the utmost suspence and concern; then being assaulted by a thousand reflections upon this new adventure, he began to think it would be very indiscreet, even so much as to dream of exposing himself to the danger of breaking his fidelity to his own mistress. ‘Who knows,’ said he to himself, ‘but the devil, who is equally crafty and dextrous, intends at present to seduce me by means of a duenna, after having in vain attempted me with empresses, queens, duchesses, marquisses, and countesses? for I have often heard it observed by a number of people of good understanding, that he will never give you an high nose, if a flat nose will serve your turn, and who knows but this solitude, opportunity, and silence, may waken those desires in me, which are now asleep, and compel me at these years to fall, where hitherto I never so much as stumbled? In such emergencies, it is surely better to avoid than await the battle. And yet, I must certainly be deprived of my senses, to talk and think at this rate; for it is absolutely impossible, that a long, meagre, white veiled, and spectacled duenna, should move or excite a lascivious thought in the lewdest bosom upon earth. Is there, for example, a duenna in nature who has a tolerable person? Is there a duenna upon this our globe who is not wrinkled, loathsome, and impertinent? Avaunt, then, ye duennian tribe, unfit for any human entertainment! Praise be to that lady who is said to have had at one end of her sopha two marble duennas, with their spectacles and bobbin cushions in the attitude of working; and these statues fulfilled the dignity of the apartment, as well as if they had been duennas of flesh and blood.’
So saying, he started from his bed, with intention to lock the door, and deny admittance to Signora Rodriguez; but, before he could execute his resolution, that lady had returned with a lighted wax taper, and seeing Don Quixote so near her, with his quilt, bandages, night cap, or hood, she was again affrighted, and retired backwards a couple of paces, saying, ‘Am I safe, Sir knight? for your worship’s getting out of bed is no great sign of virtue, methinks.’—‘Madam,’ replied Don Quixote, ‘I ought to ask you the same question; and I do accordingly ask, whether or not I am safe from assault and ravishment?’—‘Of whom, or from whom, do you demand that security, Sir Knight?’ said the duenna.
‘Of you, and from you, and you alone,’ answered Don Quixote: ‘for I am not made of marble, nor you of brass; nor is it now ten o’clock in the forenoon, but midnight, and something more, if I am not mistaken; and we are here in a more close and secret apartment than in the cave in which the treacherous and daring Æneas enjoyed the beautiful and tender-hearted Dido: yet give me your hand, Madam; for I require no other security than my own reserve and continence, together with the appearance of that most reverend veil.’
So saying, he kissed his right-hand; and took hold of hers, which she presented with the like ceremony.
Here Cid Hamet, in a parenthesis, swears by Mahomet, that to have seen these two originals thus linked, and walking from the door to the bed, he would have given the best of his two jackets.
At length Don Quixote slipped into bed, and Donna Rodriguez seated herself in a chair at some distance from it, without quitting her spectacles or candle; then the knight shrunk under the clothes, with which he covered himself in such a manner that nothing but his face appeared; and both parties having composed themselves, the first who broke silence was Don Quixote, who accosted her in these words: ‘Now, Madam Duenna Rodriguez, you may unrip and unload all that lies upon your sorrowful heart and afflicted bowels; and I shall listen to your grievances with chaste ears, and redress them with generous works.’—‘I believe as much,’ said the duenna: ‘for, from the genteel and agreeable presence of your worship, I could expect no other than such a christian reply.’
‘This, then, is the case, Signior Don Quixote; although your worship now sees me seated in this chair, in the midst of Arragon, and in the dress of a contemptible and injured duenna, I was born in the Asturias of Oviedo, of a family which intermarried with many of the best in that province; but my niggardly fate, and the extravagance of my parents, who came to untimely want, without knowing how or wherefore, drove me to the court of Madrid, where, for the sake of peace, and in order to prevent greater misfortunes, my parents provided me with the place of needle-woman, in the service of a lady of quality; and, I would have your worship to know, that in making knitting-sheaths and plain-work, no person had ever the advantage of me in the whole course of my life. As for my parents, after they had seen me settled in this place, they returned to the country, and in a few years went to heaven; for they were exceeding good catholick Christians. Meanwhile, I was left an orphan, stinted to the wretched salary, and pitiful wages, commonly given to such servants in great families: and so, about that time, a squire of the house fell in love with me, though I am sure I gave him no occasion. He was a man already well stricken in years, with a venerable beard, and of a comely appearance, and besides, as good a gentleman as the king, for he was a mountaineer. We did not correspond so secretly but our intrigue came to the knowledge of my lady; who, waving all questions and commands, caused us to be married in peace and in the face of our holy mother the Roman catholick church. The fruit of this marriage was a daughter, who was the death of my good fortune, if any such I had: not that I died in child-bed; on the contrary, I was safely and seasonably delivered; but because, soon after that event, my poor husband died of a fright; and if I had now time to recount the manner, I know your worship would be struck with admiration.’
Here she began to weep most bitterly, and thus proceeded: ‘Your worship, Signior Don Quixote, will pardon me for not being able to contain myself, for as often as I remember my unfortunate husband, mine eyes run over. God be my comfort! with what dignity did he ride before my lady, on a mighty mule as black as jet; for, at that time, they did not use coaches or chairs, which, they say, are now in fashion; and the ladies always rode behind their squires. This one circumstance, however, I cannot help recounting, because it demonstrates the good breeding and punctilio of my worthy spouse. One day, as he entered the street of St. Jago, in Madrid, which is but narrow, he happened to meet a judge, preceded by two of his officers; and my good squire no sooner beheld him, than he turned his mule in order to attend his worship. My lady, who sat behind him, said in a whisper, “Blockhead, what are you going to do? Don’t you know that I am here?” while the judge, out of politeness, stopped his horse, saying, “Pray proceed, Signior; for, it is rather my duty to attend my Lady Donna Casilda,” that was the name of my mistress. Nevertheless, my husband still persisted, with his cap in hand, in his resolution to attend the judge; and my lady, enraged at his obstinacy, pulled out a large pin, or rather, I believe, a bodkin, from her tweezer-case, and thrust it into his loins; so that my poor man roared aloud, and writhed his body in such a manner, that both he and my lady came to the ground. Her two lacquies ran immediately to lift her up, and were assisted by the judge and his officers. The whole gate of Guadalajara, (I mean, the idle people about it) were in an uproar: my lady came home a-foot; and my husband hastened to a surgeon, declaring he was thrust through the bowels. His great courtesy soon became publick, insomuch that the very children mocked him in the street; for which reason, and because he was a little short-sighted, my lady dismissed him from her service; and he took his dismission so much to heart, that I am positively certain it was the cause of his death. Thus was I left a forlorn widow, with a daughter upon my hands, who, as she grew up, increased in beauty, like the foam of the sea. In a word, as I had the character of being an excellent needle-woman, my Lady Duchess, who was just then married to my Lord Duke, carried me and my daughter, without more ado, along with her to this kingdom of Arragon; where, in process of time, my child improved in all manner of accomplishments; she sings like any sky lark, dances light as thought, cuts a caper as if she was mad, reads and writes like a school-master, and casts accounts like a miser. I say nothing of her cleanliness, for the running water is not more pure; and if my memory does not fail me, she is now sixteen years, five months, and three days, perhaps one over or under. In a word, this maiden of mine captivated the son of a rich farmer, who lives in a village not far from hence, belonging to my Lord Duke; and so, the young couple meeting, I know not where nor how, he, under promise of marriage, played the rogue with my daughter, and refuses to perform his promise; and although my Lord Duke is well acquainted with the affair; for you must know, I complained to him—not once, but divers and sundry times, desiring he would order the young farmer to take my daughter to wife; he lends a deaf ear to my complaint, and indeed will scarce give me a hearing, because, forsooth, the young rogue’s father is extremely rich, and lends him money; nay, becomes surety for him when he happens to be in trouble; so that he will by no manner of means give him the least umbrage or disgust. Now, dear Sir, my request is, that your worship would undertake to redress this grievance, either by entreaty or force of arms; for, as all the world says, your worship was born for such purposes, to rectify wrongs, and protect the wretched. And I beg your worship will consider the orphan state of my daughter, her gentility, her youth, and all those good qualities which I have told you she possesses: for in the light of Heaven, and in my own conscience, I dare aver, that of all the damsels belonging to my Lady Duchess, there is not one that comes up to the sole of her shoe: and though she whom they call Altisidora, is reckoned the most sprightly and good-humoured, when compared to my daughter, she does not come within two leagues of her; for, your worship must know, Signior, all is not gold that glitters. This same creature, Altisidora, has more forwardness than beauty, and more airiness than modesty; besides, she is not over and above wholesome; her breath has such a flavour that nobody can be near her; no, not for a moment; and even my Lady Duchess—but, mum for that! Walls have ears, as the saying is.’
‘What of my Lady Duchess?’ cried Don Quixote. ‘Signora Donna Rodriguez, I conjure you tell me, by the life of my soul.’—‘Nay, if you conjure me in that manner,’ answered the duenna, ‘I cannot help telling the truth. Signior Don Quixote your worship has, no doubt, perceived the beauty of my Lady Duchess; that freshness of complexion that shines like polished steel, those cheeks of milk and crimson, with the sun on one side, and the moon on the other, and that gaiety with which she treads, or rather disdains the ground, seeming to diffuse health and joy wheresoever she walks. Well, then, your worship must know, that she may thank God, in the first place; and, secondly, two issues in her legs, that discharge the bad humours with which the doctors say she abounds.’—‘Blessed Virgin!’ cried the knight, ’is it possible that my Lady Duchess should have occasion for such sluices? I would hardly believe the bare-footed friars, should they make the assertion; yet, since Donna Rodriguez avers it, there is no reason to doubt, but from those issues, surely nothing but liquid amber can flow; and, in good sooth, I am now fully convinced that the use of issues must be a matter of great importance to the preservation of health.’
Scarce had Don Quixote pronounced these words, when the chamber door flew open, with a sudden slap, which surprized and disordered the duenna to such a degree, that she dropped the candle, and in a moment the apartment was dark as a dog’s mouth, as the saying is. Immediately, the poor duenna felt her throat assaulted by two hands, which pressed it so close that she could not speak: while another person, with incredible dispatch, and in great silence, turned up her petticoats, and with something like a flipper, began to make such application to her posterior parts, that she was in a most piteous taking. Although Don Quixote compassionated her case, he stirred not from his bed, as he did not know the nature of the assault, but lay snug and silent, in great fear that the same discipline would come round and sound to his own carcase. Nor was his apprehension altogether groundless; for the silent executioners having severely flogged the duenna, who durst not complain, advanced to Don Quixote; and stripping off the sheets and the quilt, pinched him so fast and so smartly, that he could not forbear defending himself by dint of fist; and the whole affair was transacted in wonderful silence. The battle having lasted about half an hour, the phantoms vanished, Donna Rodriguez adjusted her petticoats, and groaning over her misfortune, sneaked away, without speaking a syllable to the knight, who remained alone, full of pains and pinches, sorrow and confusion. And here we will leave him, burning with desire to knew who the perverse inchanter was, who had used him in such a cruel manner; but that secret shall be revealed in due season. Meanwhile we are summoned by Sancho Panza; and the excellent plan of our history obliges us to obey his call.