Chap. XVIII Which Declares Who Were the Inchanters and Executioners That Scourged the Duenna, and Pinched and Scratched Don Quixote — Together With the Expedition of the Page, Who Carried the Letter to Teresa Panza, Sancho’s Spouse
Cid Hamet, the most punctual investigator of the most minute atoms belonging to this genuine history, says, that when Donna Rodriguez quitted her apartment to visit Don Quixote in his chamber, another duenna, who was her bedfellow, perceived her motions, and as all the individuals of that class are naturally disposed to enquire, to pry, and to smell into the affairs of their neighbours, she followed her so softly, that honest Rodriguez knew nothing at all of the matter; and when she saw her enter Don Quixote’s apartment, that she might conform to the general custom of all duennas, who are much addicted to tale-bearing, she, that instant, went and informed my Lady Duchess, that Donna Rodriguez was in the knight’s bed-chamber; the duchess communicated this intelligence to the duke, and asked leave to go along with Altisidora, and see what the duenna wanted with Don Quixote: the duke granted his permission, and the two, with great caution, treading softly, step by step, went up so close to the chamber-door, as to overhear every thing that was said; and the duchess hearing how Rodriguez divulged the secret of those healing streams193, that flowed from her body, could not bear the duenna’s presumption, which was equally resented by Altisidora. Exasperated, therefore, and bent upon vengeance, they burst into the apartment, where they pinched the knight, and flogged the duenna, as hath been already recited; for, affronts levelled directly against the beauty and pride of the fair sex, waken the indignation of the offended party to a great degree, and inspire her with the desire of revenge.
The duchess recounted the adventure to the duke, who was extremely diverted with the particulars; and her grace resolving to proceed with her jokes, and extract entertainment from Don Quixote, dispatched the page who had acted the part of Dulcinea, in the contrivance of the disinchantment, which, by the bye, Sancho Panza had by this time forgot, so much was he engrossed by the affairs of his government——the duchess, I say, dispatched the page to Teresa Panza, with her husband’s letter, and another from her grace, together with a rosary of rich coral in a present.
The history relates, then, that the page, who was a very intelligent acute young fellow, extremely well disposed to contribute to the entertainment of his lord and lady, set out with great satisfaction for Sancho’s native place; but, before he entered the village, he saw a number of women washing linen in a brook, and of these he asked, if they could inform him whereabouts lived one Teresa Panza, wife of one Sancho Panza, squire to a certain knight, called Don Quixote de La Mancha. This question was no sooner pronounced, than a girl, who was washing, starting up, ‘That Teresa Panza,’ cried she, ‘is my mother; and that same Sancho my honoured father, and that knight our master.’—‘Come, then, young mistress,’ replied the page, ‘conduct me to your mother, for I bring her a letter and a present from that same father of yours.’—‘That I will do with all my heart, kind Sir,’ answered the girl; who seemed to be fourteen years of age, over or under; and, leaving the cloaths upon which she was at work, to one of her companions, without putting on her cap or her shoes, for she was barefoot, and her hair hung about her eyes, she ran before the page’s horse, saying, ‘Come along, good Sir, our house is at this end of the village, and there you will find my poor mother in a sorrowful taking, because she has not for many days heard any news of my honoured father’—‘But now,’ said the page, ‘I bring her such good news, that she will have reason to bless God for this happy day.’ In a word, what with dancing, running, and skipping, the wench arrived at the village; but before she entered the house, she called aloud at the door, ‘Come out, mother Teresa, come out; pray come out; here’s a gentleman who brings letters, and other good things, from my good father!’
Teresa Panza hearing this exclamation, came forth spinning tow from a distaff, with a grey petticoat, so short that it seemed to have been cut close to the placket; a jacket of the same stuff, and an open breasted shift; she was not very old, though seemingly turned of forty; but strong, hale, nervous, and tough. Seeing her daughter, with the page on horseback, ‘What is the matter, child?’ said she; ‘what gentleman is that?’—‘The very humble servant of my Lady Donna Teresa Panza,’ replied the page; who, throwing himself from his horse, ran with great eagerness and humility, to kneel before Madam Teresa, saying, ‘Grant me permission to kiss your ladyship’s hand, Madam Donna Teresa, as the legitimate and particular consort of my Lord Don Sancho Panza, sole governor of the island Barataria.’—‘Nay, good Sir, forbear; do not so!’ answered Teresa; ‘I am none of your court dames; but a poor country-woman, a ploughman’s daughter; and wife to a squire-errant, but no governor.’—‘Your ladyship,’ replied the page, ’is the most worthy consort of the most superlatively worthy governor; and this letter and present is an incontestible proof of the truth of what I say.’ So saying, he instantly pulled from his pocket the lining of coral, set in gold, and tied it round her neck; then producing a letter, ‘This,’ said he, ’is from my Lord Governor, and this other with the necklace, from my Lady Duchess who sent me hither.’
Teresa was confounded; and her daughter no less astonished, exclaimed, ‘I’ll be hanged if our master Don Quixote be not at the bottom of all this; and surely must have given my father that same government or countship, which he promised him so often!’—‘You are certainly in the right,’ answered the page; ‘for it is entirely on Signior Don Quixote’s account, that Signior Sancho is now governor of the island Barataria, as will appear in this letter.’—‘Pray, good gentleman, read it,’ said Teresa; ‘for though I can spin, I cannot read so much as a crumb.’—‘Nor I, neither,’ added Sanchica; ‘but stay a moment, I’ll go and fetch one that shall read it, either the curate himself, or the batchelor Sampson Carrasco, who will come with pleasure to hear news of my father.’—‘There is no occasion to fetch any person whatever,’ said the page; ‘for though I cannot spin, I can read; and read it I shall.’ He accordingly read Sancho’s letter from beginning to end; but as it hath been already recited, we shall not repeat it in this place. Then he rehearsed the other, which came from the duchess, in these words—
‘FRIEND TERESA,
‘The great talents, and excellent disposition of your husband Sancho, induced and obliged me to beg of the duke my husband, that he would confer upon him the government of one, among many islands that are in his possession; and I understand he governs like any jerfaulcon; a circumstance that affords great pleasure to me, and of consequence to my Lord Duke; and I thank Heaven heartily, that I have not been deceived in chusing him for that same government: for, Madam Teresa must know, it is a very hard matter to find a good governor in this world, and God make me as good a woman as Sancho is a governor. I have sent you, my dear friend, a coral necklace set in gold; and I wish, for your sake, it had been of oriental pearls; but, He that gives, though it were but an egg, would be sorry to see thee lame of a leg. The time will come when we shall be better acquainted, and carry on a closer correspondence, and Heaven knows what may come to pass. Commend me to your daughter Sanchica, and tell her from me, to keep herself in readiness; for I mean to match her very high, when perhaps she thinks least of the matter. I am told your town is famous for fine large acorns; pray send me two dozen, which I shall greatly esteem as coming from your hand. Write me a long letter, giving an account of your health and welfare; and if you should want any thing, you have nothing to do but open your mouth, and it shall be measured. That God would protect you, is the prayer of your-loving friend,
‘The Duchess.’
‘La! now,’ cried Teresa, when she heard the contents of the letter, ‘what a kind, and plain, and humble lady! would I might live, and die, and be buried among such ladies, and not your gentlewomen of this town, who think, forsooth, because they are gentlefolks, the wind must not touch them, and go to church in such finery as if they were perfect queens; nay, they seem to think it a disgrace to look at a poor body; and see here now, how this worthy lady, even though no less than a duchess, calls me friend, and treats me as if I were her own equal; and equal may she be to the highest steeple in all La Mancha. As to what concerns the acorns, kind Sir, I’ll send her a whole peck, so fair and large, that people shall come far and near to see and admire them.—For the present, Sanchica, we must look to the entertainment of this gentleman; let his horse be taken care of; fetch some eggs from the stable, and cut some rashers of bacon, and let us treat him like a prince; for the good news he has brought, and his own good countenance, deserves every thing at our hands. In the mean time I’ll go out, and give an account of our good fortune to my neighbours, especially our father the curate, and Master Nicholas the barber, who are, and always were, such friends to your father.’—‘I will do as you desire, mother,’ answered Sanchica; ‘but remember, you shall give me one half of the string of coral; for I don’t take my lady duchess to be such a ninny as to send the whole for your use.’—‘It is all thy own, daughter,’ replied Teresa; ‘but thou must let me wear it a few days about my neck; for in faith and troth, it will rejoice my poor heart.’—‘It will be still more rejoiced,’ said the page, ‘when you see the bundle in that portmanteau, consisting of a suit of superfine cloth, which was never wore but one day at the hunting, by the governor, who sends it for the sole use of Miss Sanchica.’—‘May he live a thousand years!’ cried Sanchica, ’as well as he that brings it, neither more nor less; and even two thousand, if there should be occasion.’
Now Teresa going out with the letters, and the string about her neck, went along playing with her fingers upon the paper, as if it had been a cymbal; and casually meeting the curate and Sampson Carrasco, she began to caper about, saying, ‘In good faith, we have no poor kindred now; we have caught the governorship: aye, aye, pick me up the best gentlewoman of them all, ifack! I’ll look upon her as an upstart.’—‘What is the matter, Teresa Panza?’ said the curate; ‘What is the meaning of this rhapsody? and what papers are these?’—‘No rhapsody at all,’ replied Teresa, ‘but only these letters are from duchesses and governors, and these here upon my neck are true corals; the Ave Marias and Paternosters are of beaten gold, and I am a governess!’—‘God shield us, Teresa,’ cried the curate, ’as we do not understand a word of what you say!’—‘Seeing is believing,’ answered the good woman, putting the letters into his hand; which he having read, in the hearing of Sampson Carrasco, they looked at one another with astonishment. When the batchelor asked who brought those letters, Teresa desired they would go along with her to her house, and they would see the messenger, who was a comely youth, like a perfect golden pine-tree, and had brought another present worth twice as much. The curate taking the string of coral from her neck, viewed and reviewed it with great deliberation; and, being satisfied the beads were real fine coral, was again struck with admiration, and exclaimed, ‘Now, by the habit which I wear! I know not what to say, or what to think of these letters and presents: on one side I see, and even feel, the worth of these corals; and on the other, I read a letter from a duchess, who begs two dozen of acorns!’—‘Reconcile these things if you can,’ said Carrasco; ‘but now let us go and see the bearer of this packet, whose information will solve all these difficulties.’
They accordingly accompanied Teresa, and found the page winnowing a little barley for his beast, while Sanchica was employed in cutting rashers to fry with the eggs, for the entertainment of their guest, whose appearance and equipage gave great satisfaction to the new-comers. After the compliments of salutation had courteously passed between them, Sampson intreated him to tell them news of Don Quixote, as well as of Sancho Panza; for although they had perused the letters of this last, and of my lady duchess, they were still overwhelmed with confusion, and could by no means comprehend the meaning of that government, especially of an island, seeing all, or the greatest part of the islands in the Mediterranean, belonged to his majesty. To this remonstrance the page replied, ‘That Signior Sancho Panza is a governor, there is no sort of doubt; but whether of an island or not, I do not pretend to decide: let it suffice, however, that he governs a place of above a thousand inhabitants; and with respect to the acorns, I can affirm, my Lady Duchess is of such a frank and humble disposition, that her sending for acorns to a countrywoman is not to be wondered at; nay, I once knew her send and borrow a comb of one of her neighbours; for you must know, gentlemen, the ladies of Arragon, although as noble, are not so ceremonious and superb, as the quality of Castile, but treat their inferiors with more frankness and familiarity.’
In the midst of this conversation, Sanchica coming in with her lap full of eggs, addressed herself to the page, saying, ‘Pray, tell me, Signior, does my honoured father wear trunk-hose since he was a governor?’—‘I have not observed that particular,’ replied the page; ‘but certainly he must.’—‘My God!’ cried Sanchica, ‘how glad I should be to see my father with trunk hose! let me never thrive, but I have, ever since I was born, longed to see father in laced trunk-breeches.’—‘Laced hose!’ said the page; ‘Lord, Madam, if he lives, and his government should hold but two months, he is in a fair way of travelling with a hood to his riding-coat.’ The curate and batchelor could easily perceive the page made a jest of his entertainers; but the worth of the coral beads, and the hunting-suit which Sancho had sent, destroyed all their conjectures; for Teresa had shewn them the green garment: nor did they fail to laugh at the ambition of Sanchica; and their mirth was not extinguished, when Teresa accosting the priest, ‘Mr. Curate,’ said she, ‘do pray cast your eyes about a little, and see if any body be going to Madrid or Toledo, that I may have an opportunity to purchase a round farthing-gale, right and tight, fashionable and of the best sort; for truly and truly, I am resolved to honour my spouse’s government as much as lies in my power; aye, and if they vex me, I’ll go to court, and ride in my coach, like all the rest, and the best of them; for she who is married to a governor, may very well procure and maintain such a convenience.’—‘Yea, forsooth,’ replied Sanchica; ’and would to God it were to-day rather than to-morrow, although those who saw me seated with my lady mother in the coach, should say, Look, at such a one, daughter of such a garlick-eater, how she sits and lolls in a coach, like the pope’s lady; but let them trudge in the dirt, so I ride in my coach, with my feet lifted off the ground: An ill year, and worse month, betide all the envious grumblers upon earth; and, So I am warm, without and within, the mob may laugh, and the malicious grin. Speak I to the purpose, mother?’—‘To the purpose! yes, to be sure, daughter; and all this good luck, and even more, was prophesied by my good man Sancho, and thou shalt see, daughter, it will not stop until I am a countess; for good fortune wants only a beginning, as I have often heard it observed by thy worthy father, who is likewise the father of proverbs; When they bring thee a heifer, be ready with the halter; When they give thee a government, seize it a-God’s name; When they bestow a countship, lay thy clutches upon it; and, When they throw thee some good beneficial bone, wag thy tail, and snap at the favour; if not, sleep on, and never answer to good fortune and preferment, when they knock at thy door.’—’And what do I care?’ said Sanchica, ‘let them say what they will, when they see me exalted in all my finery, and cry, There goes Mrs. Ape, with her buttocks cased in crape: and all the rest of that stuff.’
The curate hearing her remark, ‘I cannot believe,’ said he, ‘but that all the family of the Panzas are born with a bag of proverbs in their bowels; for I have never seen one of them, who does not scatter about old saws, at all times, and in all conversations.’—‘Your observation is very just,’ said the page; ‘for my Lord Governor Sancho utters them at every step; and although many of his proverbs are not much to the purpose, they nevertheless give great pleasure, and are much extolled by my lady duchess and the duke.’—‘What! and do you still, my good Sir,’ said the batchelor, ‘affirm the truth of that government of Sancho; and that there is actually a duchess who sends letters and presents to his wife? For our parts, although we handle the presents, and have perused the letters, we cannot believe the evidence of our senses, and imagine this is one of those things which our townsman Don Quixote supposed to have been effected by inchantment; and therefore, I own, I have an inclination to touch and feel your person, that I may know whether you are a fantastical ambassador, or really a man of flesh and blood.’—‘Gentlemen,’ replied the page, ‘all that I know of the matter is, that I am a real ambassador; that Signior Sancho Panza is effectually a governor; and that my lord duke, and lady duchess, not only could, but actually did, invest him with that government, in which I hear the said Sancho Panza behaves with vast ability. Whether or not there is any inchantment in the case, I leave you, gentlemen, to dispute and decide among yourselves; that this is all I know of the matter, I swear by the life of my parents, who are still alive, and whom I love and honour with the utmost reverence of affection.’—‘What you say may be true,’ answered the batchelor: ‘but, Dubitat Augustinus.’—‘Doubt as much as you please,’ resumed the page: ‘what I have said is the naked truth, which will always swim above falshood, like oil above water; but, Operibus credite & non verbis: let one of you, gentlemen, go along with me, and he shall see with his eyes what he will not believe upon hearsay.’—‘I am for that jaunt,’ cried Sanchica: ‘good Sir, if you will take me up behind you, I shall be glad to go and see my father’s worship.’—‘The daughters of governors,’ said the page, ‘never travel alone; but always accompanied by coaches, and litters, and a great number of attendants.’—‘’Fore God,’ replied Sanchica, ‘I can travel upon a she-ass as well as in a coach: you won’t find me shy or fearful.’—‘Hold your tongue, wench,’ said Teresa: ‘you know not what you say. The gentleman is in the right; for, Every season has its reason. When it was plain Sancho, it was plain Sancha; but now, being governor, my Lady——I know not if what I say be to the purpose.’—‘Madam Teresa has said more than she is aware of,’ replied the page: ‘but, pray, let me have some victuals, and dispatch me immediately; for I intend to return this evening.’ To this remonstrance the curate answered, ‘Sir, you shall come and do penance with me; for Madam Teresa has more inclination than ability to entertain such a worthy guest.’ The page, at first, declined the invitation; but, at length, found it was his interest to consent; and the curate conducted him to his parsonage, with great pleasure, that he might have an opportunity to enquire at leisure about Don Quixote and his exploits.
The batchelor offered to write answers to Teresa’s letters; but she did not chuse that he should intermeddle in her affairs; for she looked upon him as a wag. She therefore gave a roll of bread, and a couple of eggs, to a noviciate monk who could write; and he penned two letters, one for her husband, and another for the duchess, indited by Teresa’s own noddle, which are not the least entertaining that occur in this sublime history, as will be seen in the sequel.