Chap. XIX Of the Progress of Sancho Panza’s Government — And Other Such Diverting Incidents
At length arrived the morning that succeeded the night of the governor’s round, which the gentleman-sewer passed without sleep, so much were his thoughts engrossed by the face, the air, and beauty of the disguised damsel; while the steward employed the time in writing an account of Sancho’s conduct to his lord and lady, equally astonished at his words and actions, in which folly and discretion were strangely blended.
At last my lord governor arose, and by direction of Doctor Pedro Positive, he was fain to break his fast with a little conserve, and four gulps of cold water, which Sancho would have gladly exchanged for a luncheon of bread and a bunch of grapes; but, finding himself under compulsion, he bore his fate with grief of soul and anxiety of stomach; Pedro Positive giving him to understand, that your slight and delicate dishes animate the genius, consequently were most proper for persons appointed to posts and offices of importance, in which corporal strength cannot avail so much as the vigour of the understanding. By this sort of sophistry Sancho was subjected to such severe hunger, that he in secret cursed the government; aye, and him who conferred it: nevertheless, in despight of hunger, and upon the strength of the conserve, he, that day, sat in judgment; and the first case that occurred, was a question put by a stranger, in presence of the steward and the rest of the assistants: ‘My lord,’ said he, ‘a certain manor is divided by a large river—I beg your honour will be attentive; for the case is of great consequence, and some difficulty. I say, then, upon this river is a bridge, and at one end of it the gibbet, together with a sort of court-hall, in which four judges usually sit, to execute the law enacted by the lord of the river, bridge, and manor, which runs to this effect: “Whosoever shall pass over this bridge, must first swear whence he comes, and whither he goes: if he swears the truth, he shall be allowed to pass; but if he forswears himself, he shall die upon the gallows, without mercy or respite.”
‘This law, together with the rigorous penalty, being known, numbers passed, and as it appeared they swore nothing but the truth, the judges permitted them to pass freely, and without controul. It happened, however, that one man’s oath being taken, he affirmed, and swore by his deposition, that he was going to be hanged on that gibbet, and had no other errand or intention. The judges having considered this oath, observed, if we allow the man to pass freely, he swore to a lye, and therefore ought to be hanged according to law; and if we order him to be hanged, after he hath sworn he was going to be suspended on that gibbet, he will have sworn the truth, and by the same law ought to be acquitted. I beg, therefore, to know of your honour, my lord governor, what the judges must do with this man: for hitherto they are doubtful and in suspense; and having heard of your lordship’s acute and elevated understanding, they have sent me to intreat your honour, in their names, to favour them with your opinion in a case of such doubt and intricacy.’ To this address Sancho replied, ‘Assuredly, those judges who sent you to me, might have spared themselves the trouble; for I am a man that may be said to be rather blunt than acute: nevertheless, repeat the business so that I may understand it fully, and who knows but I may chance to hit the nail on the head.’ The interrogator having repeated his story again and again, Sancho said, ‘I think I can now explain the case in the twinkling of two balls: and this it is: A man swears he is going to be hanged on such a gibbet; if he actually suffers upon that gibbet, he swore the truth, and by the enacted law ought to be allowed freely to pass the bridge; but if he is not hanged, he swore false, and for that reason ought to suffer upon the gibbet.’
‘The case is exactly as my lord governor conceives it,’ said the messenger: ‘and with respect to the scope, and understanding of the matter, there is no farther room for doubt or interrogation,’—‘I say, then,’ replied Sancho, ‘that part of the man which swore truth, ought to be allowed to pass; and that which told a lye, ought to be hanged; and in this manner the terms or condition of passing will be literally fulfilled.’
‘But, my lord governor,’ replied the questioner, ‘in that case it will be necessary to divide the man into two parts, namely, the false and the true; and if he is so divided, he must certainly die: therefore, the intent of the law will be frustrated, whereas, there is an express necessity for its being accomplished.’—‘Come hither, honest friend,’ said Sancho; ‘either I am a blockhead, or this passenger you mention has an equal title to be hanged, and to live and pass over the bridge; for, if the truth saves him on one side, his falshood condemns him equally on the other. Now, this being the case, as it certainly is, I think you must tell the gentleman who sent you hither, that as the reasons for condemning and for acquitting the culprit are equally balanced, they shall let him freely pass; for it is always more laudable to do good than harm; and to this opinion I would subscribe if I could write my name. Nor, indeed, have I spoken my own sentiment on this occasion: but I have recollected one, among the many precepts I received from my master Don Quixote, the night before I set out for the government of this island; he said, that when justice was doubtful, I should chuse and lean towards mercy; and it pleased God that I should now remember this maxim, which falls so pat to the present purpose.’—‘So it does,’ said the steward; ’and I firmly believe, that Lycurgus himself, who gave laws to the Lacedemonians could not have uttered a more sagacious decision than that which the great Panza has pronounced. Now, let the audience end for this morning, and I will give orders that my lord governor shall dine to his heart’s content.’—‘That is my request,’ cried Sancho: ‘nothing but fair play; give me plenty of victuals, and let them load me with cases and doubts, I will soon make them vanish into smoke.’
The steward kept his word; for he had a scruple of conscience in famishing such a discreet governor; especially as he intended that night to conclude the farce with the last joke he had a commission to execute.
Well, then, Sancho having dined that day, contrary to all the rules and aphorisms of Doctor Snatchaway, the cloth was no sooner removed than a courier entered with a letter from Don Quixote to the governor, who desired the secretary to read it by himself; and then, if there was nothing in it which required to be kept secret, to rehearse it in an audible voice. The secretary, in obedience to his command, having perused it in secret, ‘It may be very safely read aloud,’ said he; ‘what Signior Don Quixote writes to your lordship, deserves to be printed, and even displayed in golden letters. This is the purport of the letter.’
THE LETTER FROM DON QUIXOTE DE LA MANCHA TO SANCHO PANZA, GOVERNOR OF THE ISLAND BARATARIA.
‘FRIEND SANCHO,
‘When I expected to hear of thy negligence and impertinence, I was informed of thy discretion, for which I have returned particular thanks to Heaven, that can raise the poor from the dunghill, and extract wisdom from the heart of the fool. I am told thou hast governed like a man, and that thou art a man as if thou wert a beast; such is the humility of thy deportment. Take notice, Sancho, it is often convenient and necessary, for the authority of office, to refill the humility of the heart; for the ornament of the person invested with charges of dignity, ought to be conformable to what these require, and not measured according to the will of an humble disposition. Appear always well-dressed; for a maypole when decorated loses its original appearance: not that I advise thee to wear jewels and finery; or, as thou art a judge, to go in the habit of a soldier; but to adorn thyself with that garb which thine office requires, and to be always clean, and neatly dressed. In order to acquire the good will of the people over whom thou art set, among other things, remember two particulars; one is to be affable to every body—but this I have mentioned upon another occasion; the other is to procure plenty of provision; for there is nothing that gives such vexation to the poor as hunger and dearth.
‘Do not issue a great number of ordinances, but take care that those which are published be good; and, above all things, see they are maintained and put in execution; for those ordinances which are not observed, might as well be annulled, as they serve to demonstrate that the prince who had discretion and authority to enact them, wanted power to enforce obedience; and those laws which only intimidate, without being put in execution, resemble the King Log of the frogs, which at first terrified his subjects, by whom, however, at the long run, he was despised and insulted. Be thou a father to the virtuous, and a stepfather to the wicked. Thou must not be always rigorous, nor always gentle; but chuse the medium between these two extremities, in which lies the point of discretion. Visit the prisons, the slaughter-houses, and the markets; for in such places the presence of the governor will be of great importance. Console the prisoners with hope of being speedily dispatched. Be a bug-bear to butchers, for then they will use honest weights; and a terror to market-women, for the same reason. Beware of shewing thyself (though thou really shouldst be so, and yet I believe thou art not) a miser, a letcher, or a glutton; for thy people, and those who have concerns with thee, knowing the bias of thine inclination, will batter thee from that quarter, until thou art overthrown into the profundity of perdition. Consider and reconsider, peruse and re-peruse, the advices and instructions which I gave thee in writing before thy departure for thy government; and, if thou observest the contents, thou wilt find in them a precious aid, that will alleviate the toils and difficulties which every moment occur to governors. Write to thy noble patrons, to evince thy gratitude; for ingratitude is the daughter of pride, and one of the vilest sins that can be committed; and the person who is grateful to his benefactor gives indication that he is also grateful to God, whose benefits are so manifold and incessant. My lady duchess dispatched a messenger with thy hunting-suit, and another present to thy wife Teresa, and we expect her answer every moment.
‘I have been somewhat indisposed, in consequence of a certain cat-clawing adventure, which I lately atchieved with some discomfiture of my nose; but that was of no consequence; for if I am maltreated by one set of inchanters, I am protected by another. Let me know if the steward, who is with thee, had any concern in the adventure of the Countess Trifaldi, as thou once seemedst to suspect; and give me an account of every thing that betides thee, seeing the distance between us is so small. I think of leaving, in a little time, this idle life, for which I was never designed. I am like to be engaged in an affair, which, I believe, will bring me into disgrace with the duke and duchess; but, although this affects my mind, it shall not influence my conduct; for, in a word, I am resolved to comply with the duties of my profession, rather than with the dictates of their pleasure; in conformity with the old saying, “Amicus Plato, sed magis amica veritas.” I write this sentence in Latin, because I apprehend thou hast learned that language since thou wast a governor. I commit thee to the protection of God, who is the fountain of all good; and am thy friend,
‘Don Quixote de La Mancha.’
Sancho listened with great attention to the letter, which was applauded, for the good sense it contained, by all the hearers; then the governor rising from table, shut himself up in his apartment with the secretary, in order to compose an answer to his master, without loss of time. He desired the scribe to write what he should dictate, without the least addition or diminution. The secretary obeyed his command, and the answer was to this effect—
SANCHO PANZA’S LETTER TO DON QUIXOTE DE LA MANCHA.
‘The employment of my office is so severe, that I have not time to scratch my head, or even to pair my nails, which I, therefore, wear so long, that God must find some remedy. This I observe, dear master of my soul, that your worship need not be confounded because I have not hitherto given you an account of my well or ill-being in this government; where, by the bye, I suffer more pinching hunger than when we two used to travel through woods and desarts.
‘My lord duke gave me notice the other day, in a letter, that certain spies had entered the island, in order to murder me; but, as yet, I have, discovered none, except a doctor, who has a salary in the place, for killing all the governors that come hither. They call him Doctor Pedro Positive, and he is a native of Snatchaway; so that your worship may see by his name, what reason I have to fear I shall perish by his hands. This very doctor frankly owns, that he does not cure the distempers which are already formed, but only prevents their formation; and the medicine he prescribes, is fasting upon fasting, until the patient is clean skin and bone, as if a consumption was not worse than a fever. Finally, he is killing me by inches with hunger; and I find myself dying of pure vexation; for I thought, in coming to this government, I should have hot meals and cool liquor, and regale my body in Holland sheets, upon beds of down; whereas, I am come to penance like a hermit; and as I cannot even do that, I believe, at the long run, the devil will fly away with me.
‘Hitherto I have neither touched fee nor fingered bribe; nor can I conceive the reason of such proceeding; for I have been told, that the governors who used to come to this island, even before their entrance, always received a good sum of money, either by way of present or loan, from the inhabitants; a custom observed in other governments as well as in this.
‘In going the round last night, I found a very beautiful damsel in man’s cloaths, and her brother in the dress of a woman: my gentleman-sewer is in love with the girl, and, as he says, hath fixed his fancy on her for a wife, and I have chosen the youth for my son-in-law; to-day we two will communicate our thoughts to the father of this young pair, who is one Diego de Llana, a gentleman, and as old a Christian as one would desire.
‘I visit the markets, according to your worship’s advice; and yesterday seeing a huckster selling new nuts, I discovered that she had mixed with a bushel of the new, the same quantity of old nuts that were empty and rotten; upon which I gave the whole to the charity boys, who know very well how to separate the good from the bad, and forbade her to enter the market for fifteen days: I was told I had done gallantly. What I can assure your worship is, that according to the report of this town, there is not a more wicked set of people than those market-women; for they are all without shame, conscience, and moderation; and, indeed, I believe the report, from what I have seen in other corporations.
‘It gives me great satisfaction to hear that my lady duchess has written to my wife Teresa Panza, and sent the present your worship mentions; and I will endeavour to shew my gratitude in due season. I beg your worship will kiss her grace’s hand, in my name, and tell her I say, she has not thrown her favour into a rotten sack, as our deeds shall declare. I should be sorry that your worship came to any reckonings of disgust with my lord duke and lady duchess; for should there be any breach between you, it is very plain the whole would redound to my loss; and, considering the advice you gave me to be always grateful, it would not look well in your worship to be otherwise to those who have done you such favours, and treated you so nobly in their castle.
‘The story of the cat-clawing I do not understand; but do suppose it must have been one of those unlucky frays in which your worship is often engaged with wicked inchanters; but I shall know when we meet.
‘I would fain present your worship with something, but I know not what to send, except some clyster-pipes, which are very curiously turned and mounted in this island; though, if my office holds, it shall go hard but I will find something to send, either by hook or crook. If my wife Teresa Panza should write to me, I beg your worship will pay the postage, and forward the letter; for I am extremely desirous to know the state of my family, my wife, and children. And, now, the Lord deliver your worship from evil-designing inchanters, and safely and peaceably quit me of this government; which I very much doubt; for I believe I shall leave my bones in it, so cruelly am I treated by Doctor Pedro Positive. Your worship’s humble servant,
‘Sancho Panza the Governor.’
The secretary having sealed this letter, dispatched it with the courier; and those who executed the jokes upon Sancho, laying their heads together, contrived a scheme for dismissing him from the administration. The evening his excellency spent in making some wholesome regulations touching the government of what he imagined to be an island. Among other things, he ordained that there should be no monopolizers of provisions in the commonwealth: that wine should be imported from all parts indifferently, at the pleasure of the merchant; with this addition, that he should declare the place from whence it came, so as that a price might be set upon it, according to its worth, fame, and estimation: and he who should be detected in dashing it with water, or falsifying its name, should suffer death for the offence. He moderated the price of all kinds of hose, and particularly that of shoes, which he looked upon as exorbitant; he rated the wages of servants who went at full gallop in the road of interest; he laid severe penalties upon those who should sing lewd and lascivious ballads, by night or by day; he ordered that no blind man should sing his miracle in couplets, without an authentick testimony of the truth; it appearing that the greatest part of those sung by blind persons, are false and feigned, to the prejudice of those which are true; he made and appointed an overseer of the poor, not to persecute, but to examine whether or not they were real objects; for sturdy thieves and hale drunkards often screen themselves in the shade of feigned lameness, and counterfeit sores. In a word, he made so many good regulations, that they are hitherto preserved in the place, and called, The Constitutions of the Great Governor Sancho Panza.