Chap. XV Containing a Farther Account of Sancho’s Behaviour in His Government
The history relates, that from the town-hall Sancho Panza was conducted to a sumptuous palace, in the great hall of which was a royal table, most elegantly furnished. When the governor entered, the waits struck up, and four pages came forth and presented him with water for his hands, which he received with great solemnity; then the musick ceasing, he took his place at the upper end of the table, which was accommodated with one seat only, and a cover for himself alone: while close by him stood a personage, who afterwards proved to be a physician, with a rod of whalebone in his hand. They removed a very fine white cloth that covered the fruit and a great variety of dishes. One who looked like a student, said grace; a page tucked a laced bib under Sancho’s chin, and another person, who acted the part of sewer, set a plate of fruit before the governor; but scarce had he swallowed a mouthful, when the doctor touching the said plate with his wand, it was snatched from him in a twinkling: the sewer presented him with another dish, which the governor resolved to prove; but, before he could finger or taste it, the plate being also touched by the wand, one of the pages conveyed it away with incredible dispatch, to the amazement of Sancho, who, looking round him, asked if he must be obliged to eat like a juggler, by slight of hand!
To this interrogation he of the wand replied: ‘My lord governor must, in eating, conform to the use and customs of other islands where governors reside. I, my lord, enjoy a salary as physician to the governors of this island, and take more care of their health than of my own; studying night and day, and considering the governor’s constitution, that I may be able to cure him, in case he should be taken ill; but the principal part of my office is to be present at his meals, where I allow him to eat what I think will agree with his complexion, and restrain him from that which I conceive will be hurtful and prejudicial to his stomach. I therefore ordered the fruit to be removed, because it is dangerously moist; and likewise commanded the other dish to be conveyed away, because it is extremely hot, as containing a number of spices which create thirst, and copious drinking drowns and destroys the radical moisture, which is the essence of life.’—‘By that way of reasoning,’ said Sancho, ‘that there dish of roasted partridges, which seems to be very well seasoned; will do me no harm.’ To this hint the physician replied: ‘Of these my lord governor shall not eat while there is breath in my body.’—’And pray for what reason?’ said the governor. ‘Because our master Hippocrates, the north star and luminary of physic, expressly says, in one of his aphorisms, “Omnis saturatio mala, perdix autem pessima;” that is, All repletion is bad, but that with partridge worst of all.’—‘If that be the case,’ said Sancho, ‘good Mr. Doctor, pray examine all the messes on the table, so as to point out that which will do me least harm and most good, that I may eat without fear of conjuration; for, by the life of the governor, and as God shall prolong it! I am ready to die of hunger; and to deny me victuals, even though Signior Doctor should prescribe fasting, and say a thousand things in its praise, will, instead of preserving my health, deprive me of life entirely.’—‘Your lordship is very much in the right,’ replied the physician: ’and to begin, I would not have you touch these ragoo’d rabbits, because they are a sharp haired food: of that veal, indeed, you might pick, a little, if it was not roasted a la daube; but as it is, touch it not.’—‘The dish that smokes yonder,’ said Sancho, ‘seems to be an olla podrida, and considering the variety of ingredients of which these ollas are composed, surely I cannot fail to light on something that will be both savoury and wholesome.’—‘Absit!’ cried the physician, ‘far from us be such a thought. There is not a more pernicious nutriment upon the face of the earth: leave your ollas to canons, rectors of colleges, and country weddings; but let them never appear upon the tables of governors, where elegance and neatness ought to reign. The reason is clear; at all times, in all places, and by all the learned, simple medicines are more esteemed than those that are compound: for in the first, no mistakes can be committed; whereas, in the other, numberless errors may take place, in the quantity and proportion of the ingredients; but what I would advise my lord governor to eat at present, in order to preserve and corroborate his health, is about a hundred confected wafers, and a few thin slices of quinces, which will sit easy on his stomach, and assist digestion.’
Sancho, hearing this prescription, threw himself backwards in his chair, and surveying the physician from head to foot, asked in a grave and solemn tone, ‘What was his name, and where he had studied?’ To this question, the other replied, ‘I, my lord governor, am called Doctor Pedro Positive de Bodewell188, native of a place called Snatchaway, on the right hand between Caraquel and Almodobar del Campo; and I took my doctor’s degree at the university of Ossuna.’ To this declaration Sancho replied, in a rage, ‘Hark ye, then, Mr. Doctor Pedro Positive de Bode-ill, native of Snatchaway, which is on the right hand as we go from Caraquel to Almodobar del Campo, graduate of Ossuna, get out of my presence this instant, or by the body of the sun! I will snatch up a cudgel, and beginning with you, employ it in such a manner as not to leave a physician on the whole island; of those, I mean, who are ignorant fellows. As for the learned, virtuous, and discreet members of the faculty, I will place them on my head, in token of respect, and honour them as things divine. But, I say again, be gone, Doctor Pedro Positive, or positively I will take up this chair on which I sit, and make immediate application to your skull; and, should I be called to account for it, when I resign my government, I will exculpate myself by proving that I have done service to God, in slaying a wicked physician, who was a scandal to the commonwealth. Let me have something to eat, therefore, or take back your government; for a post that will not afford victuals, is not worth a pease-cod.’
The doctor was frightened at seeing the governor in such a passion, and was going to snatch himself away from his presence; when, at the very instant, their ears were saluted with the noise of a post-boy’s horn in the street; and the gentleman sewer going to the window, informed the governor that there was a courier arrived from my lord duke, with some dispatches of importance. Accordingly the messenger entered the hall, sweating, with marks of consternation in his countenance; and taking a packet out of his bosom, delivered it into the hands of the governor, who gave it to the steward, with orders to read the superscription, which ran thus: ‘To Don Sancho Panza, governor of the island Barataria, to be delivered into his own hand, or that of his secretary.’ Sancho hearing the direction, ‘Who is my secretary?’ said he. One of the people who were present, answered, ‘I am secretary, my lord; for I can read and write, and am a Biscayan.’—‘Nay, with that addition,’ said Sancho, ‘you might be secretary to the emperor himself: open this packet, and see what it contains.’ The new-born secretary obeyed the command; and having perused the contents, told his excellency, it was business for his private ear. Then Sancho ordered every body to quit the place, except the steward and gentleman sewer: accordingly the rest retired, with the doctor at their head: and the secretary recited the letter to this effect—
‘I have received information, Signior Don Sancho Panza, that certain enemies of mine and of the island, intend one of these nights, to give you a furious assault; you will therefore be vigilant and alert, that they may not find you unprepared. I am likewise informed, by trusty spies, that four persons in disguise have entered the town, with intention to take away your life, as they dread the extent of your abilities: be upon your guard, therefore, examine every person who comes to speak with you, and taste nothing that comes in a present. I will take care to reinforce you, should you stand in need of assistance; meanwhile, you will act in every thing according to the good opinion I have of your understanding. Your friend,
‘The Duke.
‘From my castle, August 16th, at 4 in the morning.’
This epistle overwhelmed Sancho with astonishment, which the rest pretended to share; and turning to the steward, ‘What is to be done,’ said he, ‘and that immediately, is to confine Doctor Positive in a dungeon; for if any body has a design to take away my life, he is the man; aye, and by the most pitiful, and worst of all deaths; namely, hunger.’—‘True’ replied the gentleman sewer; ‘and, in my opinion, your lordship ought not to eat any of the victuals now on the table, for they were a present from certain nuns; and, as the saying is, The devil skulks behind the cross.’—‘That is a truth not to be denied,’ said Sancho; ‘but, in the mean time, let me have a luncheon of bread, and about for pounds of raisins, which cannot be poisoned: for really and truly, I cannot live without eating; and if we must be prepared for those battles with which we are threatened, at least let us be well fed; for the stomach supports the heart, and not the heart the stomach. You, secretary must write an answer to my Lord Duke; and tell him his commands shall be obeyed to a tittle. You shall likewise make my compliments to my Lady Duchess, beseeching her, in my name, to remember to send an express, with my letter and bundle, to my wife Teresa Panza; in so doing she will lay me under great obligation, and I shall take care to be her humble servant to the utmost of my power. By the bye, you may thrust in a How d’ye to my master Don Quixote de La Mancha, that he may see I am not of an ungrateful leaven; you may, as a faithful secretary, and honest Biscayan, add what you shall think proper, and most likely to turn out to advantage. At present, take away these things, and let me have something to eat; and I shall manage any spies, murderers, or inchanters, that may presume to attack me or my island.’
Here he was interrupted by a page, who, coming into the hall, told him there was a countryman without, who wanted to speak with his lordship upon some business of the utmost importance. ‘Those people of business are strange fellows,’ said Sancho; ‘is it possible they are so ignorant, as not to see that this is not a proper hour for the transaction of business? Mayhap they think, we governors and judges are not made of flesh and blood, and therefore require no time for refreshment, any more than if we were created of marble. As I shall answer to God! if my government holds, (though I begin to perceive it will not be of long duration) I will sit upon the skirts of more than one of these men of business189. At present, tell that honest man to come; but, first of all, take care that he is not one of the spies or murderers.’—‘There is no occasion, my lord,’ answered the page; ‘for he seems to be a simple soul, and either I am very much mistaken, or he is as honest as a well-weighed loaf.’—‘While we are present,’ said the steward, ‘there is nothing to fear.’—‘Mr. Sewer,’ said Sancho, ‘now that Doctor Pedro Positive is not here, might not I eat something substantial, even though it should be nothing better than a luncheon of bread and an onion?’—‘This night your supper shall make amends for the defect of dinner, so as that your lordship shall be perfectly well pleased, and satisfied,’ replied the sewer. ‘God grant I may be so!’ quoth the governor.
At that instant the countryman entered the hall, of a goodly presence, and indeed one might have seen that he was an honest soul, even at the distance of a thousand leagues. The first thing he said, was, ‘Which of all this company is my lord governor?’—‘Who should be governor,’ replied the secretary, ‘but he who sits in the chair?’—‘Then, I humble myself before him,’ said the peasant; who, falling on his knees, begged leave to kiss his lordship’s hand. This request, however, Sancho would not grant; but ordered him to rise and explain his business. Accordingly, the countryman getting up, ‘My lord,’ said he, ‘I am a husbandman belonging to Miguel Turra, a place about two leagues from Cividad Real.’—‘What! have we got another Snatchaway?’ cried Sancho: ‘proceed, brother; for I can tell you, that I am very well acquainted with Miguel Turra, which is not far from our own village.’—‘This here, then, is the case, my lord,’ said the countryman; ‘by the mercy of God, I was married in peace, and in the face of the holy Roman Catholick church; and I have two sons now at college, the youngest of whom is to be a batchelor, and the elder is intended for a licentiate. I am a widower; for my wife died, or rather she was killed by a wicked physician, who gave her a purge when she was big with child; and, had it pleased God that the fruit of her womb had come to light, and had been a boy, I would have bred him up a doctor, that he might not have envied his brothers, the batchelor and licentiate.’—‘So then,’ said Sancho, ‘if your wife had not died, or been killed, in all likelihood you should not now be a widower.’—‘No, my lord, by no manner of means,’ answered the countryman. ‘Agad!’ cried Sancho, ‘we are in a thriving way! Pray, go on, brother; for this is an hour more proper for sleep than for business.’—‘Well, then,’ replied the countryman, ‘this son of mine, who is to be bred a batchelor, became enamoured of a young lady of the same town, called Clara Paralina190, daughter of Andrew Paralino, a very wealthy yeoman; and this name of Paralino does not come from their pedigree, or any family descent; but they have acquired it, because the whole race of them is paralitick; and so, in order to improve the sound, they are called Paralino; though to say the truth, the young lady is a perfect oriental pearl, and when you look at her, on her right side, seems to be a very flower of the field; on the left, indeed, she is not quite so amiable, being blind of an eye, which she lost in the small-pox; and although the pits in her face are very large and numerous, her admirers say, that these are not pits, but graves, in which the hearts of her lovers are buried. Then she is so cleanly, that to prevent her face from being defiled, she carries her nose cocked up, as the saying is, so that it seems to be running away from her mouth; yet, for all that, she is extremely beautiful, for she has a very wide mouth, and if she did not want some ten or a dozen teeth, might pass for a very phœnix of beauty. Of her lips I shall say nothing; but they are so thin and delicate, that if it was the custom to reel lips, they might be made up into a skein; but as they are of a different colour from common lips, they appear quite miraculous; for they contain a mixture of blue, green, and orange tawny. My lord governor will pardon me for painting so exactly the parts of her who is to be my daughter, for I love her exceedingly, and like to dwell upon the subject.’—‘Paint what you will,’ said Sancho; ‘for my own part I am hugely delighted with your description, and if I had dined, should not desire a better desert than the picture you have drawn.’—‘That shall be always at your service,’ replied the countryman; ’and though we are not at present known to each other, the time will come when we shall be better acquainted. And now, my lord, if I could describe her genteel deportment, and tall stature, you would be struck with admiration; but that is an impossible task, because she is so doubled and bent, that her knees touch her mouth; and yet, for all that, one may see with half an eye, that if she could stand upright, her head would touch the cieling; and she would have given her hand in marriage to my batchelor before this time, if she could have stretched it out, but it happens to be shrunk and withered; though, by the long channelled nails, one may easily perceive the beauty of its form and texture.’
‘Very well,’ said Sancho. ‘Now, brother, let us suppose you have painted her from head to foot; tell me what is your request, and come to the point, without going about the bush, through lanes and alleys with a parcel of scraps and circumlocutions.’—‘Well then, my lord,’ replied the countryman, ‘my request is, that you would give me a letter of recommendation to the young lady’s father, entreating him to give his consent to the match, as the parties are pretty equal in the gifts of fortune, and of nature; for, to say the truth, my Lord Governor, my son is possessed, and scarce a day passes, but he is three or four times tormented by the foul fiend; and, in consequence of having once fallen into the fire, his face is shrivelled up like a skin of parchment, and his eyes are bleared, and run woundily; but yet he has the temper of an angel, and if he did not beat and buffet himself, he would be a perfect saint.’—‘Do you want any thing else, honest friend?’ replied Sancho. ‘I did want something else,’ said the countryman, ‘but I dare not be so bold as to mention it: but, out it shall go; for, take or not take, it shall never rot in my belly. Why then, my lord, I wish your lordship would bestow three or six hundred ducats, to help to set up my batchelor; I mean, to furnish his house; for, the truth is, the young couple are to live by themselves, without being subject to the peevishness of us old folks.’—‘Consider if you want any thing else,’ said Sancho, ’and speak without bashfulness or restraint.’—‘Truly, I want nothing else,’ replied the countryman. Scarce had he pronounced these words, when, the governor starting up, and laying hold on the chair that was under him, exclaimed, ‘I vow to God, you Don lubberly, rascally rustick, if you don’t get you gone, and abscond from my presence this instant, I will with this chair demolish your scull, you knavish son of a whore, and painter for the devil himself; is this a time to come and demand six hundred ducats? Where the devil should I find them, you stinkard? or, if I had found them, why the devil should I give them to you, you idiotical scoundrel? What a pox have I to do with Miguel Turra, or any of the generation of the Paralino’s? Be gone, I say, or, by the life of my Lord Duke, I’ll be as good as my word; thou art no native of Miguel Turra, but some fiend sent from hell to torment me. Hark ye, miscreant, I have been governor but a day and a half, and you would have me already in possession of six hundred ducats!’
The gentleman sewer made signs to the countryman to leave the place; and he accordingly quitted the hall, hanging his head, and seemingly afraid that the governor would execute his threats; for the rogue acted his part to admiration. But let us leave Sancho’s indignation to cool, and peace attend him in his career, while we return to Don Quixote, whom we left with his face bandaged up for the cure of his cattish wounds, which were not healed in the space of eight days; and in that time an adventure happened to him, which Cid Hamet promises to recount, with that truth and punctuality he has hitherto maintained, in recording even the most trivial and minute incidents of this authentick history.