Scene V Outside the House of Collatine
Enter Collatine, Valerius, Horatius, and Scevola.
Horatius.
Come, Valerius, let’s hear, in our way to the house of Collatine, that you went late hammering of concerning the taverns in Rome.
Valerius.
Only this, Horatius.
[Sings.] The gentry to the King’s Head,
The nobles to the Crown,
The knights unto the Golden Fleece,
And to the Plough the clown;
The churchman to the Mitre,
The shepherd to the Star,
The gardener hies him to the Rose,
To the Drum the man of war;
To the Feathers ladies you; the Globe
The sea-man doth not scorn;
The usurer to the Devil, and
The townsman to the Horn;
The huntsman to the White Hart,
To the Ship the merchants go;
But you that do the Muses love
The sign called River Po.
The banquerout to the World’s End,
The fool to the Fortune hie;
Unto the Mouth the oyster-wife,
The fiddler to the Pie,
The punk unto the Cockatrice,
The drunkard to the Vine,
The beggar to the Bush, then meet
And with Duke Humphrey dine.33
Enter Lucrece and Clown.
Collatine.
Fair Lucrece, I ha’ brought these lords from court
To feast with thee. [To Clown] Sirrah, prepare us dinner.
[Exit Clown.
Lucrece.
My lord is welcome, so are all his friends.
The news at court, lords?
Horatius.
Madam, strange news:
Prince Sextus by the enemies of Rome
Was nobly used, and made their general;
Twice hath he met his father in the field,
And foiled him by the warlike Sabines’ aid:
But how hath he rewarded that brave nation,
That in his great disgrace supported him?
I’ll tell you, madam: he since the last battle
Sent to his father a close messenger
To be received to grace, withal demanding
What he should do with those his enemies.
Great Tarquin from his son receives this news,
Being walking in his garden; when the messenger
Importuned him for answer, the proud king
Lops with his wand the heads of poppies off,
And says no more; with this uncertain answer
The messenger to Sextus back returns,
Who questions of his father’s words, looks, gesture:
He tells him that the haughty speechless king
Did to the heads of poppies, which bold Sextus
Straight apprehends, cuts off the great men’s heads,
And, having left the Sabines without govern,
Flies to his father, and this day is welcomed
For this his traitorous service by the king,
With all due solemn honours to the court.
Scevola.
Courtesy strangely requited; this none but the son of Tarquin would have enterprised.
Valerius.
I like it, I applaud it; this will come to somewhat in the end; when Heaven has cast up his account, some of them will be called to a hard reckoning. For my part, I dreamt last night I went a-fishing.
[Sings.] Though the weather jangles
With our hooks and our angles,
Our nets be shaken, and no fish taken;
Though fresh cod and whiting
Are not this day biting,
Gurnet, nor conger, to satisfy hunger,
Yet look to our draught.
Hale the main bowling;
The seas have left their rolling,
The waves their huffing, the winds their puffing:
Up to the top-mast, boy,
And bring us news of joy;
Here’s no demurring, no fish is stirring,
Yet something we have caught.
Collatine.
Leave all to Heaven.
Re-enter Clown.
Clown.
My lords, the best plum-porridge in all Rome cools for your honours; dinner is piping hot upon the table, and if you make not the more haste you are like to have but cold cheer: the cook hath done his part, and there’s not a dish on the dresser but he has made it smoke for you; if you have good stomachs, and come not in while the meat is hot, you’ll make hunger and cold meet together.
Collatine.
My man’s a rhetorician, I can tell you,
And his conceit is fluent. Enter, lords;
You must be Lucrece’ guests, and she is scant
In nothing, for such princes must not want.
[Exeunt all except Valerius and Clown.
Clown.
My lord Valerius, I have even a suit to your honour. I ha’ not the power to part from you without a relish, a note, a tone; we must get an air betwixt us.
Valerius.
Thy meaning?
Clown.
Nothing but this.
[Sings.] John for the king has been in many ballads,
John for the king down dino,
John for the king has eaten many salads,
John for the king sings hey ho.34
Valerius.
Thou wouldst have a song, wouldst thou not?
Clown.
And be everlastingly bound to your honour. I am now forsaking the world and the devil, and somewhat leaning towards the flesh; if you could but teach me how to choose a wench fit for my stature and complexion, I should rest yours in all good offices.
Valerius.
I’ll do that for thee. What’s thy name?
Clown.
My name, sir, is Pompey.
Valerius.
Well then, attend.
[Sings.] Pompey, I will show thee the way to know
A dainty dapper wench.
First see her all bare, let her skin be rare,
And be touched with no part of the French.
Let her eye be clear, and her brows severe.
Her eye-brows thin and fine;
But if she be a punk, and love to be drunk,
Then keep her still from the wine.
Let her stature be mean, and her body clean,
Thou canst not choose but like her;
But see she ha’ good clothes, with a fair Roman nose,
For that’s the sign of a striker.
Let her legs be small, but not used to sprawl,
Her tongue not too loud nor cocket.35
Let her arms be strong, and her fingers long,
But not used to dive in pocket.
Let her body be long, and her back be strong,
With a soft lip that entangles,
With an ivory breast, and her hair well dressed
Without gold lace or spangles.
Let her foot be small, clean-legged withal,
Her apparel not too gaudy;
And one that hath not been in any house of sin,
Nor place that hath been bawdy.
Clown.
But, God’s me! am I trifling here with you, and dinner cools o’ the table, and I am called to my attendance! O my sweet Lord Valerius!
[Exeunt.