Papa to His Heir, a Fast Minor. Punch
My son, a father’s warning heed;
I think my end is nigh:
And then, you dog, you will succeed
Unto my property.
But, seeing you are not, just yet.
Arrived at man’s estate,
Before you full possession get,
You’ll have a while to wait.
A large allowance I allot
You during that delay;
And I don’t recommend you not
To throw it all away.
To such advice you’d ne’er attend;
You won’t let prudence rule
Your courses; but, I know, will spend
Your money like a fool.
I do not ask you to eschew
The paths of vice and sin;
You’ll do as all young boobies, who
Are left, as you say, tin.
You’ll sot, you’ll bet; and, being green,
At all that’s right you’ll joke;
Your life will be a constant scene
Of billiards and of smoke.
With bad companions you’ll consort
With creatures vile and base,
Who’ll rob you; yours will be, in short,
The puppy’s common case.
But oh, my son! although you must
Through this ordeal pass,
You will not be, I hope—I trust—
A wholly senseless ass.
Of course at prudence you will sneer,
On that theme I won’t harp;
Be good, I won’t say—that’s severe;
But be a little sharp.
All rascally associates shun
To bid you were too much,
But, oh I beware, my spooney son,
Beware one kind of such.
It asks no penetrative mind
To know these fellows: when
You meet them, you, unless you’re blind,
At once discern the men.
The turgid lip, the piggish eye,
The nose in form of hook,
The rings, the pins, you tell them by,
The vulgar flashy look.
Spend every sixpence, if you please,
But do not, I implore,
Oh! I do not go, my son, to these
Vultures to borrow more.
Live at a foolish wicked rate,
My hopeful, if you choose,
But don’t your means anticipate
Through bill-discounting Jews.
Selling Off at the Opera House a Poetical Catalogue. Punch
Lot One, The well-known village, with bridge, and church, and green,
Of half a score divertissements the well-remembered scene,
Including six substantial planks, forming the eight-inch ridge
On which the happy peasantry came dancing down the bridge.
Lot Two, A Sheet of Thunder. Lot Three, A Box of Peas
Employed in sending storms of hail to rattle through the trees.
Lot Four, A Canvas Mossy Bank for Cupids to repose.
Lot Five, The old Stage Watering-pot, complete—except the nose.
Lot Six, The favorite Water-mill, used for Amina’s dream,
Complete, with practicable wheel, and painted canvas stream.
Lots Seven to Twelve, Some sundries—A Pair of Sylphide’s Wings;
Three dozen Druid’s Dresses (one of them wanting strings).
Lots Thirteen, Fourteen, Fifteen—Three Services of Plate
In real papier mache—all in a decent state;
One of these services includes—its value to increase—
A full dessert, each plate of fruit forming a single piece.
Lot Seventeen, The Gilded Cup, from which Genarro quaffed,
Mid loud applause, night after night, Lucrezia’s poisoned draught.
Lots Eighteen, Nineteen, Twenty, Three rich White Satin Skirts,
Lot Twenty-one, A set of six Swiss Peasants’ Cotton Shirts.
Lot Twenty-two, The sheet that backed Mascaniello’s tent.
Lot Twenty-three, The Long White Wig—in wool—of Bide-the-Bent.
Lots Twenty-three to Forty, The Fish—Soles, Cod, and Dace—
For pelting the Vice-regal Guard in Naples’ Market-place.
Lot Forty-one, Vesuvius, rather the worse for wear.
Lots Forty-two to Fifty, Priests’ Leggings—at per pair.
Lot Fifty-one, The well-known Throne, with canopy and seat,
And plank in front, for courtiers to kneel at Sovereigns’ feet.
Lot Fifty-two, A Royal Robe of Flannel, nearly white,
Warranted equal to Cashmere—upon the stage at night—
With handsome ermine collar thrown elegantly back;
The tails of twisted worsted—pale yellow, tipped with black.
Lots Fifty-three to Sixty, Some Jewellery rare—
The Crown of Semiramide—complete, with false back hair;
The Order worn by Ferdinand, when he proceeds to fling
His sword and medals at the feet of the astonished king.
Lot Sixty-one, The Bellows used in Cinderella’s song.
Lot Sixty-two, A Document. Lot Sixty-three, A Gong.
Lots Sixty-four to Eighty, Of Wigs a large array,
Beginning at the Druids down to the present day.
Lot Eighty-one, The Bedstead on which Amina falls.
Lots Eighty-two to Ninety, Some sets of Outer Walls.
Lot Ninety-one, The Furniture of a Grand Ducal Room,
Including Chair and Table. Lot Ninety-two, A Tomb.
Lot Ninety-three, A set of Kilts. Lot Ninety-four, A Rill.
Lot Ninety-five, A Scroll, To form death-warrant, deed, or will.
Lot Ninety-six, An ample fall of best White Paper Snow.
Lot Ninety-seven, A Drinking-cup, brimmed with stout extra tow.
Lot Ninety-eight, A Set of Clouds, a Moon, to work on flat;
Water with practicable boat. Lot Ninety-nine, A Hat.
Lot Hundred, Massive Chandelier. Hundred and one, A Bower.
Hundred and two, A Canvas Grove. Hundred and three, A Tower.
Hundred and four, A Fountain. Hundred and five, Some Rocks.
Hundred and six, The Hood that hides the Prompter in his box.