Epigrams of Barham. On the Windows of King’s College Remaining Boarded
Loquitur Discipulus Esuriens.
Professors, in your plan there seems
A something not quite right:
’Tis queer to cherish learning’s beams
By shutting out the light.
While thus we see your windows block’d,
If nobody complains;
Yet everybody must be shock’d,
To see you don’t take pains.
And tell me why should bodily
Succumb to mental meat?
Or why should Pi-ra, Beta Pi-ra, Pi-c,
Be all the pie we eat?
No HELLUO LIBRORUM I,
No literary glutton,
Would veal with Virgil like to try,
With metaphysics, mutton.
Leave us no longer in the lurch,
With Romans, Greeks, and Hindoos:
But give us beef instead of birch,
And BOARD US—not your windows.
New-Made Honor. [Imitated From Martial.]
A friend I met, some half hour since—
“GOOD-MORROW JACK!” quoth I;
The new-made Knight, like any Prince,
Frown’d, nodded, and pass’d by;
When up came Jem—“Sir John, your slave!”
“Ah, James; we dine at eight—
Fail not—(low bows the supple knave)
Don’t make my lady wait.”
The king can do no wrong? As I’m a sinner,
He’s spoilt an honest tradesman and my dinner.
Eheu Fugaces
What Horace says is,
Eheu fugaces
Anni labunter, Postume, Postume!
Years glide away, and are lost to me, lost to me I
Now, when the folks in the dance sport their merry toes,
Taglionis, and Ellslers, Duvernays and Ceritos,
Sighing, I murmur, “O mihi praeteritos!”
Anonymous Epigrams on a Pale Lady With a Red-Nosed Husband
Whence comes it that, in Clara’s face,
The lily only has its place?
Is it because the absent rose
Has gone to paint her husband’s nose?
Upon Pope’s Translation of Homer
So much, dear Pope, thy English Homer charms,
As pity melts us, or as passion warms,
That after ages will with wonder seek
Who ’twas translated Homer into Greek.
Recipe for a Modern Bonnet
Two scraps of foundation, some fragments of lace,
A shower of French rose-buds to droop o’er the face;
Fine ribbons and feathers, with crage and illusions,
Then mix and DErange them in graceful confusion;
Inveigle some fairy, out roaming for pleasure,
And beg the slight favor of taking her measure,
The length and the breadth of her dear little pate,
And hasten a miniature frame to create;
Then pour, as above, the bright mixture upon it,
And lo! you possess “such a love of a bonnet!”
My Wife and I
As my wife and I, at the window one day,
Stood watching a man with a monkey,
A cart came by, with a “broth of a boy,”
Who was driving a stout little donkey.
To my wife I then spoke, by way of a joke,
“There’s a relation of yours in that carriage.”
To which she replied, as the donkey she spied,
“Ah, yes, a relation—BY MARRIAGE!”
On Two Gentlemen
One of whom, O’Connell, delayed a duel on the plea of his wife’s illness; the other declined on account of the illness of his daughter.
Some men, with a horror of slaughter,
Improve on the Scripture command,
And honor their wife and their daughter,
That their days may be long in the land.
Wellington’s Nose
“Pray, why does the great Captain’s nose
Resemble Venice?” Duncomb cries.
“Why,” quoth Sam Rogers, “I suppose.
Because it has a bridge of size (sighs).”
The Smoker
All dainty meats I do defy
Which feed men fat as swine,
He is a frugal man indeed
That on a leaf can dine!
He needs no napkin for his hands,
His finger’s ends to wipe,
That keeps his kitchen in a box,
And roast meat in his pipe!
An Essay on the Understanding
“Harry, I can not think,” says Dick,
“What makes my ANKLES grow so thick:”
“You do not recollect,” says Harry,
“How great a CALF they have to carry.”
To a Living Author
Your comedy I’ve read, my friend,
And like the half you pilfer’d best;
But sure the piece you yet may mend:
Take courage, man! and steal the rest.