Epigrams by W. Savage Landor on Observing a Vulgar Name on the Plinth of an Ancient Statue
Barbarians must we always be?
Wild hunters in pursuit of fame?
Must there be nowhere stone or tree
Ungashed with some ignoble name.
O Venus! in thy Tuscan dome
May every god watch over thee!
Apollo I bend thy bow o’er Rome,
And guard thy sister’s chastity.
Let Britons paint their bodies blue
As formerly, but touch not you.
Lying in State
Now from the chamber all are gone
Who gazed and wept o’er Wellington;
Derby and Dis do all they can
To emulate so great a man:
If neither can be quite so great,
Resolved is each to LIE IN STATE.
Epigrams From Punch
The Cause
Lisette has lost her wanton wiles—
What secret care consumes her youth,
And circumscribes her smiles?—
A SPECK ON A FRONT TOOTH?
Irish Particular
Shiel’s oratory’s like bottled Dublin stout—
For, draw the cork, and only froth comes out.
One Good Turn Deserves Another
A poor man went to hang himself,
But treasure chanced to find:
He pocketed the miser’s pelf
And left the rope behind.
His money gone, the miser hung
Himself in sheer despair:
Thus each the other’s wants supplied,
And that was surely fair.
Sticky
I’m going to seal a letter, Dick,
Some WAX pray give to me.
I have not got a SINGLE STICK,
Or WHACKS I’d give to thee.
The Poet Foiled
To win the maid the poet tries,
And sometimes writes to Julia’s eye
She likes a VERSE—but, cruel whim,
She still appears A-VERSE to him.
Black and White
The Tories vow the Whigs are black as night,
And boast that they are only blessed with light.
Peel’s politics to both sides so incline,
His may be called the EQUINOCTIAL LINE.
Inquest — Not Extraordinary
Great Bulwer’s works fell on Miss Basbleu’s head,
And, in a moment, lo! the maid was dead!
A jury sat, and found the verdict plain—
She died of MILK and WATER ON THE BRAIN.
Domestic Economy
Said Stiggins to his wife, one day,
“We’ve nothing left to eat;
If things go on in this queer way,
We shan’t make BOTH ENDS MEET.”
The dame replied, in words discreet,
“We’re not so badly fed,
If we can make but ONE end MEAT,
And make the other BREAD.”
On Seeing an Execution
One morn, two friends before the Newgate drop,
To see a culprit throttled, chanced to stop:
“Alas!” cried one, as round in air he spun,
“That miserable wretch’s RACE IS RUN.”
“True,” said the other, drily, “to his cost,
The race is run—but, by a NECK ’tis lost.”
A Voice, and Nothing Else
“I wonder if Brougham thinks as much as he talks,”
Said a punster, perusing a trial:
“I vow, since his lordship was made Baron Vaux,
He’s been VAUX ET PRAETEREA NIHIL!”
The Amende Honorable
Quoth Will, “On that young servant-maid
My heart its life-string stakes.”
“Quite safe!” cries Dick, “don’t be afraid—
She pays for all she breaks.”
The Czar
CZAR NICHOLAS is so devout, they say,
His majesty does nothing else than prey.
Bas Bleu
Ma’amselle Bas Bleu, erudite virgin,
With learned zeal is ever urging
The love and reverence due
From modern men to things antique,
Egyptian, British, Roman, Greek,
Relic of Gaul or Jew.
No wonder that, Ma’amselle, the love
Due to antiquity to prove
And urge is ever prone;
She knows where’er there cease to be
Admirers of Antiquity,
She needs must lose her own!
To a Rich Young Widow
I will not ask if thou canst touch
The tuneful ivory key?
Those silent notes of thine are such
As quite suffice for me.
I’ll make no question if thy skill
The pencil comprehends,
Enough for me, love, if thou still
Canst draw thy dividends!
The Railway Op Life
Short was the passage through this earthly vale,
By turnpike roads when mortals used to wend;
But now we travel by the way of rail,
As soon again we reach the journey’s end.
A Conjugal Conundrum
Which is of greater value, prythee, say,
The Bride or Bridegroom?—must the truth be told?
Alas, it must! The Bride is given away—
The Bridegroom’s often regularly sold.
Numbers Altered
The lounger must oft, as he walks through the streets,
Be struck with the grace of some girl that he meets;
So graceful behind in dress—ringlets—all that—
But one gaze at the front—what a horrid old cat!
You then think of the notice you’ve seen on a door,
Which informs you, of “70 late 24.”
Grammar for the Court of Berlin
His majesty you should not say of FRITZ,
That king is neuter; so for HIS, use ITS.