Scene II
Enter Gnatho leading Pamphila; Parmeno behind.
Gnat. Good Heav’ns! how much one man excels another!
What diff’rence ’twixt a wise man and a fool!
What just now happen’d proves it: coming hither
I met with an old countryman, a man
Of my own place and order, like myself,
No scurvy fellow, who, like me, had spent
In mirth and jollity his whole estate.
Seeing him in a wretched trim; his looks
He was in a most wretched trim; his looks
Lean, sick, and dirty; and his clothes all rags.
“How now!” cried I, “what means this figure, friend?
Alas! says he, my patrimony’s gone.
—Ah, how am I reduc’d! my old acquaintance
And friends all shun me.”—Hearing this, how cheap
I held him in comparison with me!
“Why, how now? wretch, said I, most idle wretch!
Have you spent all, nor left ev’n hope behind?
What! have you lost your sense with your estate?
Me!—look on me—come from the same condition!
How sleek! how neat! how clad! in what good case!
I’ve ev’ry thing, though nothing; naught possess,
Yet naught I ever want.”—“Ah, Sir, but I
Have an unhappy temper, and can’t bear
To be the butt of others, or to take
A beating now and then.”—“How then! d’ye think
Those are the means of thriving? No, my friend!
Such formerly indeed might drive a trade:
But mine’s a new profession; I the first
That ever struck into this road. There are
A kind of men, who wish to be the head
Of ev’ry thing; but are not. These I follow;
Not for their sport and laughter, but for gain
To laugh with them, and wonder at their parts:
Whate’er they say, I praise it; if again
They contradict, I praise that too: does any
Deny? I too deny: affirm? I too
Affirm: and in a word, I’ve brought myself
To say, unsay, swear, and forswear, at pleasure:
And that is now the best of all professions.”
Par. A special fellow this! who drives fools mad.
Gnat. Deep in this conversation, we at length
Come to the market, where the sev’ral tradesmen,
Butchers, cooks, grocers, poult’rers, fishmongers,
(Who, while my means were ample, profited,
And, tho’ now wasted, profit by me still,)
(Who once did profit and still profit by me,)
All run with joy to me, salute, invite,
And bid me welcome. He, poor half-starv’d wretch,
Soon as he saw me thus caress’d, and found
I got my bread so easily, desired
He might have leave to learn that art of me.
I bade him follow me, if possible:
And, as the Schools of the Philosophers
Have ta’en from the Philosophers their names,
So, in like manner, let all Parasites
Be call’d from me Gnathonics!
Par. Mark, what ease,
And being kept at other’s cost, produces!
Gnat. But hold, I must convey this girl to Thais,
And bid her forth to sup.—Ha, Parmeno!
Our rival’s slave, standing at Thais’ door!
—How melancholy he appears! All’s safe:
These poor rogues find but a cold welcome here.
I’ll play upon this knave. (Aside.)
Par. These fellows think
This present will make Thais all their own. (Aside.)
Gnat. To Parmeno, his lov’d and honor’d friend,
Gnatho sends greeting. (Ironically.)—What are you upon?
Par. My legs.
Gnat. I see it.—Is there nothing here
Displeasing to you?
Par. You.
Gnat. I do believe it.
But prithee, is there nothing else?
Par. Wherefore?
Gnat. Because you’re melancholy.
Par. Not at all.
Gnat. Well, do not be so!—Pray, now, what d’ye think
Of this young handmaid?
Par. Troth, she’s not amiss.
Gnat. I plague the rascal. (Half aside.)
Par. How the knave’s deceiv’d! (Half aside.)
Gnat. Will not this gift be very acceptable
To Thais, think you?
Par. You’d insinuate
That we’re shut out.—There is, alas, a change
In all things.
Gnat. For these six months, Parmeno,
For six whole months at least, I’ll make you easy;
You sha’n’t run up and down, and watch till daylight;
Come, don’t I make you happy?
Par. Very happy.
Gnat. ’Tis my way with my friends.
Par. You’re very good.
Gnat. But I detain you: you, perhaps, was going
Somewhere else.
Par. Nowhere.
Gnat. May I beg you then
To use your int’rest here, and introduce me
To Thais?
Par. Hence! away! these doors
Fly open now, because you carry her.
Gnat. Would you have any one call’d forth?
Exit.
Par. Well, well!
Pass but two days; and you, so welcome now,
That the doors open with your little finger,
Shall kick against them then, I warrant you,
Till your heels ache again.
Re-enter Gnatho.
Gnat. Ha! Parmeno!
Are you here still? What! are you left a spy,
Lest any go-between should run by stealth
To Thais from the Captain?
Exit.
Par. Very smart!
No wonder such a wit delights the Captain!
But hold! I see my master’s younger son
Coming this way. I wonder much he should
Desert Piræus, where he’s now on guard.
’Tis not for nothing. All in haste he comes,
And seems to look about.