Act the Fifth
Scene I
Enter Demipho and Chremes—and soon after, on t’other side, Phormio.
Dem. Well may we thank the gracious Gods, good brother,
That all things have succeeded to our wish.
—But now let’s find out Phormio with all speed,
Before he throws away our thirty minæ.
Phor. (pretending not to see him).
I’ll go and see if Demipho’s at home,
That I may——
Dem. (meeting him).—We were coming to you, Phormio.
Phor. On the old score, I warrant.
Dem. Aye.
Phor. I thought so.
—Why should you go to me?—ridiculous!
Was you afraid I’d break my contract with you?
No, no! how great soe’er my poverty,
I’ve always shown myself a man of honor.
Chrem. Has not she, as I said, a liberal air?
Dem. She has.
Apart.
Phor. —And therefore I was coming, Demipho,
To let you know I’m ready to receive
My wife whene’er you please. For I postpon’d
All other business, as indeed I ought,
Soon as I found ye were so bent on this.
Dem. Aye, but my brother has dissuaded me
From going any further in this business.
“For how will people talk of it?” says he:
“At first you might have done it handsomely;
But then you’d not consent to it; and now,
After cohabitation with your son,
To think of a divorce is infamous.”
—In short, he urg’d almost the very things
That you so lately charg’d me with yourself.
Phor. You trifle with me, gentlemen.
Dem. How so?
Phor. How so? Because I can not marry t’other,
With whom I told you I was first in treaty.
For with what face can I return to her Whom I have held in such contempt?
Chrem. Tell him
Antipho does not care to part with her. (Prompting Demipho.)
Dem. And my son too don’t care to part with her:
—Step to the Forum then, and give an order
For the repayment of our money, Phormio.
Phor. What! when I’ve paid it to my creditors?
Dem. What’s to be done then?
Phor. Give me but the wife
To whom you have betroth’d me, and I’ll wed her.
But if you’d rather she should stay with you,
The portion stays with me, good Demipho,
For ’tis not just I should be bubbled by you;
When, to retrieve your honor, I’ve refus’d
Another woman with an equal fortune.
Dem. A plague upon your idle vaporing,
You vagabond!—D’ye fancy we don’t know you?
You, and your fine proceedings?
Phor. You provoke me.
Dem. Why, would you marry her, if proffer’d?
Phor. Try me.
Dem. What! that my son may keep her privately
At your house?—That was your intention.
Phor. Ha!
What say you, Sir?
Dem. Give me my money, Sirrah!
Phor. Give me my wife, I say.
Dem. To justice with him!
Phor. To justice? Now, by Heaven, gentlemen,
If you continue to be troublesome——
Dem. What will you do?
Phor. What will I do? Perhaps
You think that I can only patronize
Girls without portion; but be sure of this,
I’ve some with portions too.
Chrem. What’s that to us?
Phor. Nothing.—I know a lady here whose husband——
Chrem. Ha! (Carelessly.)
Dem. What’s the matter?
Phor. —Had another wife
At Lemnos.
Chrem. (aside). I’m a dead man.
Phor. —By which other
He had a daughter; whom he now brings up
In private.
Chrem. (aside). Dead and buried.
Phor. This I’ll tell her. (Going toward the house.)
Chrem. Don’t, I beseech you!
Phor. Oh! are you the man?
Dem. Death! how insulting!
Chrem. (to Phormio). We discharge you.
Phor. Nonsense!
Chrem. What would you more? The money you have got
We will forgive you.
Phor. Well; I hear you now.
—But what a plague d’ye mean by fooling thus,
Acting and talking like mere children with me?
—I won’t; I will: I will; I won’t again:——
Give, take; say, unsay; do, and then undo.
Chrem. (to Demipho). Which way could he have learn’d this?
Dem. I don’t know;
But I am sure I never mention’d it.
Chrem. Good now! amazing!
Phor. I have ruffled them. (Aside.)
Dem. What! shall he carry off so large a sum,
And laugh at us so openly?—By Heaven,
I’d rather die.—Be of good courage, brother!
Pluck up the spirit of a man! You see
This slip of yours is got abroad; nor can you
Keep it a secret from your wife. Now, therefore,
’Tis more conducive to your peace, good Chremes,
That we should fairly tell it her ourselves,
Than she should hear the story from another.
And then we shall be quite at liberty
To take our own revenge upon this rascal.
Phor. Ha!—If I don’t take care I’m ruin’d still.
They’re growing desperate, and making tow’rd me
With a determin’d gladiatorial air.
Chrem. (to Demipho). I fear she’ll ne’er forgive me.
Dem. Courage, Chremes!
I’ll reconcile her to’t; especially
The mother being dead and gone.
Phor. Is this
Your dealing, gentlemen? You come upon me
Extremely cunningly.—But, Demipho,
You have but ill consulted for your brother,
To urge me to extremities.—And you, Sir (to Chremes),
When you have play’d the whoremaster abroad;
Having no reverence for your lady here,
A woman of condition; wronging her
After the grossest manner; come you now
To wash away your crimes with mean submission?
No.—I will kindle such a flame in her,
As, though you melt in tears, you sha’n’t extinguish.
Dem. A plague upon him! was there ever man
So very impudent?—A knave! he ought
To be transported at the public charge
Into some desert.
Chrem. I am so confounded,
I know not what to do with him.
Dem. I know.
Bring him before a judge!
Phor. Before a judge?
A lady-judge; in here, Sirs, if you please.
Dem. Run you and hold him, while I call her servants.
Chrem. I can not by myself; come up and help me.
Phor. I have an action of assault against you. (To Demipho.)
Chrem. Bring it!
Phor. Another against you too, Chremes!
Dem. Drag him away! (Both lay hold of him.)
Phor. (struggling). Is that your way with me!
Then I must raise my voice.—Nausistrata!
Come hither.
Chrem. Stop his mouth!
Dem. (struggling). A sturdy rogue!
How strong he is!
Phor. (struggling). Nausistrata, I say.
Nausistrata!
Chrem. (struggling). Peace, Sirrah!
Phor. Peace, indeed!
Dem. Unless he follows, strike him in the stomach!
Phor. Aye, or put out an eye!—But here comes one
Will give me full revenge upon you both.