The Idle Apprentice Turned Informer24
A New Ballad, by T. C., Esq.
Tune—“When I was Maid, oh then, oh then!”
I once was a placeman, but then, but then,
I once was a placeman, but then
’Twas in the pure day
Of Lansdowne and Grey,
And the rest of the talented men—men!
And the rest of the talented men!
I had been a lawyer, but then, but then,
I had been a lawyer, but then
I hated the fag
Of the wig and the bag,
And envied the Parliament men—men,
And envied the Parliament men.
So I married a widow, and then, and then,
So I married a window, and then
Folks wonder’d to see
That a woman could be
So fond of a face like a wen—wen,
So fond of a face like a wen.
But she had a borough, and then, and then,
She had a borough, and then,
By the help of the dame,
I got into the same,
But never could do it again—again,
Never could do it again.
So I found out another, and then, and then,
So I found out another, and then
The worthy Lord Thanet,
He chose me to man it,
As free——as a sheep in a pen—pen!
As free as a sheep in a pen!
At last we got power, and then, and then,
At last we got power, and then
A salary clean
Of hundreds fifteen,
Made me the most happy of men—men,
Made me the most happy of men.
The first quarter-day came, and then, and then,
The first quarter-day came, and then
I reckon’d my score,
But I never did more
Till quarter-day came round again—‘gain,
Till quarter-day came round again.
Despatches came sometimes, but then, but then,
Despatches came sometimes, but then
I handed them slyly
To Morpeth or Hiley,
And limp’d back to Brookes’s again—‘gain,
And limp’d back to Brookes’s again.
If Ossulston call’d on me, then, oh then,
If Ossulston call’d on me then,
We stroll’d through the Park,
And the folks would remark,
We look’d like an owl and a wren—wren,
We look’d like an owl and a wren.
If I walk’d with dear Sefton, oh then, oh then,
If I walk’d with dear Sefton, oh then,
The people would stare,
And think us a pair
Of mummers, that parodied men—men,
Of mummers, that parodied men.
If I stay’d at the office, oh then, oh then,
If I stay’d at the office, oh then,
I damn’d all the Hindoos—
Look’d out of the windows—
And sometimes I mended a pen—pen!
And sometimes I mended a pen!
Such toil made me sulky, and then, and then,
Such toil made me sulky, and then,
If I ask’d for old Wright,
He came in in a fright,
As if to a bear in his den—den,
As if to a bear in his den.
This lasted a twelvemonth, and then, oh then,
This lasted a twelvemonth, and then,
To end all our cares,
They kick’d us down stairs,
As a hint not to come back again—‘gain,
As a hint not to come back again.
The tumble was heavy, and then, oh then,
The tumble was heavy, and then
I grew very sour
At placemen and power,
And croak’d like a frog in a fen—fen,
And croak’d like a frog in a fen.
I vow’d to have vengeance, and then, oh then,
I vow’d to have vengeance, and then
’Tis a vulgar belief,
At catching a thief,
An accomplice is equal to ten—ten,
An accomplice is equal to ten.
So I turn’d informer, and then, oh then,
I turn’d informer, and then
I tried to expose
My friends and my foes,
As equally infamous men—men,
As equally infamous men.
The Whigs they cashier’d me, and then, oh then,
The Whigs they cashier’d me, and then
Grey haughtily swore
He’d trust me no more,
Not even with cutting a pen—pen,
Not even with cutting a pen.
Next Canning chastised me, and then, oh then,
Next Canning chastised me, and then,
If what is called shame,
Were aught but a name,
I could ne’er show my visage again—‘gain,
I could ne’er show my visage again.