The Secrets Revealed of Lord and Lady ——
THE SECRETS REVEALED, THE SECRETS REVEALED,
OR THE
FASHIONABLE LIFE OF LORD & LADY ——
WHO RESIDE NOT ONE HUNDRED MILES FROM
THIS NEIGHBOURHOOD.
My Lord and Lady, who reside not a hundred miles from this neighbourhood, sat by the fireside in the drawing room; his Lordship on the right hand—her Ladyship on the left. The fire was dull, so was his Lordship; the weather was dull, so was her Ladyship. His Lordship moved the poker from the right hand side of the fireplace to that of the left: her Ladyship moved it back again. His Lordship scratched his left ear; her Ladyship scratched her right—violently too—and then quitted the room. His Lordship rang the bell. A footman entered. He was clad for a journey.
“John,” said his Lordship, “has Tattersall sent the horses?”
“Yes, your Lordship,” said John, “they are at the door?”
“Four of them?”
“Yes, your honour.”
“Do they look creditable?”
“Perfect, your honour! Full of flesh and rampart spirit, pawing up the stones.”
“What colour?”
“Bay, my Lord.”
“Ah! the right colour, Bays, for a poet; and I am a poet: that is, I used to rhyme when I was in love. Is the lumber ready, John?”
“Right, my Lord.”
“Ah! then tell Her Honourable Ladyship I wait her presence in the water—. No! no! in the—the—library, I mean. Yes, the library, John—mind—the library.”
John disappeared. Presently her Ladyship’s little feet—or pettitoes, as his Lordship was wont to call them—were heard pit-pat-pat-pit on the stairs. Her Ladyship was attired in a fashionably made riding-habit, with no ornament but a plain gold chain suspended round the neck, to which was attached a massive eye-glass.
“Hannah Maria Matilda, my duck—my dove,” said his Lordship, “are you ready?”
“At your Lordship’s service—you goose—I mean duck o’diamonds.”
“Your Ladyship’s slave is proud to see you look so well. As you are ready, I am ready—I am ready, my duck—but one kiss before we go.”
“Has your Lordship determined where we shall go?”
“Why, yes—into the country.”
“But the country has points, parts, places. To which?”
“Oh, any one! the country is all the same, love! Hedges, ditches, cows, rustics, crows, and mile-stones. It’s all the same—all one—here or there. Where would you like to go?”
“Right: let me see. The sea? aye, the sea-side. John, which side is the sea-side?”
“Really, my Lord, I can’t de-cide!”
“Where’s Tattersall? O Tattersall, my Lady and I are going to sea. Are those sea horses?”
“No my Lord, regular cockneys, that won’t go further than one stage from London; them that takes you the last stage are horse marines.”
“Tattersall, you are a wag.”
“Your Lordship’s wit is catching.”
“Tattersall—to the point; where’s the sea?”
“All round the world, my Lord.”
“Hannah Maria Matilda, my love, we are going all round the world. Pshaw! John, why don’t you remember your memory? We want to go out of town.”
“Brighthelmston is a nice place, my Lord.”
“Who lives there?”
“My grandmother, my Lord—Mrs Smith.”
“Hannah Maria Matilda, my love, Brighthelmston is a nice place, and John’s grandmother lives there—a Mrs. Smith. Did you ever hear that name before, my Lady?”
“My Lord, our friend, Sir Arthur, has a mansion in that neigbourhood, and I long to see his lovely niece Ophelia.”
“Fore-gad, my Lady, well remembered, we’ll off to Brighthelmston, call on Sir Arthur, stand sponsors for his newly-born heir, and—and—and John, run to Rundell and Bridges, and order a coral, to present to the young teeth-cutting baronet.”
“London Bridges! my Lord. What do you want with the London Bridges. We can’t take them with us to Brighthelmston.”
“Why you silly stupid—duck o’diamonds I mean, I did not say London Bridges! but Rundell and Bridges, the eminent gold and silversmiths, who live somewhere in the abominable city, up King Ludgate’s Hill—I think the dem’med name of the place is called—a place where King Ludgate took up his ten or twenty thousand men, or million men—and—and—yes, brought them down again—something of that sort—you understand.”
All was prepared. Smack went the whip. Off went the horses. Her Ladyship went into the right hand corner of the carriage, and his Lordship on the left hand side; and the next morning it was announced in the Post that Lord —— and his Lady had gone out of town.
LONDON:—Printed at J. Pitt’s Wholesale Toy and Marble Warehouse, 6, Great St. Andrew Street, 7 Dials; and also be had of R. Hook, Wholesale Toy and Hawker’s Paper Warehouse, 8, Market Street, Brighton.