Scene III Another Part of the Same
Enter Sir Simon Addleplot, in fine clothes, Dapperwit and Mrs. Martha, unseen by him at the door.
Sir Sim. Well, after all my seeking, I can find those I would not find; I’m sure ’twas old Gripe, and Joyner with him, and the widow followed. He would not have been here, but to have sought his daughter, sure; but vigilant Dapperwit has spied them too, and has, no doubt, secured her from him.
Dap. And you. [Aside.
Sir Sim. The rogue is as good at hiding, as I am at stealing, a mistress. ’Tis a vain, conceited fellow, yet I think ’tis an honest fellow:—but, again, he is a damnable whoring fellow; and what opportunity this air and darkness may incline ’em to, Heaven knows; for I have heard the rogue say himself, a lady will no more show her modesty in the dark than a Spaniard his courage.
Dap. Ha! ha! ha!—
Sir Sim. Nay, if you are there, my true friend, I’ll forgive your hearkening, if you’ll forgive my censures.—I speak to you, dear Madam Martha; dear, dear—behold your worthy knight—
Mrs. Mar. That’s far from neighbours.
Sir Sim. Is come to reap the fruit of his labours.
Mrs. Mar. I cannot see the knight; well, but I’m sure I hear Jonas.
Sir Sim. I am no Jonas, Mrs. Martha.
Mrs. Mar. The night is not so dark, nor the peruke so big, but I can discern Jonas.
Sir Sim. Faith and troth, I am the very Sir Simon Addleplot that is to marry you; the same Dapperwit solicited you for; ask him else, my name is not Jonas.
Mrs. Mar. You think my youth and simplicity capable of this cheat; but let me tell you, Jonas, ’tis not your borrowed clothes and titles shall make me marry my father’s man.
Sir Sim. Borrowed title! I’ll be sworn I bought it of my laundress, who was a court-laundress; but, indeed, my clothes I have not paid for; therefore, in that sense, they are borrowed.
Mrs. Mar. Prithee, Jonas, let the jest end, or I shall be presently in earnest.
Sir Sim. Pray, be in earnest, and let us go; the parson and supper stay for us, and I am a knight in earnest.
Mrs. Mar. You a knight! insolent, saucy fool.
Sir Sim. The devil take me, Mrs. Martha, if I am not a knight now! a knight-baronet too! A man ought, I see, to carry his patent in his pocket when he goes to be married; ’tis more necessary than a licence. I am a knight indeed and indeed now, Mrs. Martha.
Mrs. Mar. Indeed and indeed, the trick will not pass, Jonas.
Sir Sim. Poor wretch! she’s afraid she shall not be a lady.—Come, come, discover the intrigue, Dapperwit.
Mrs. Mar. You need not discover the intrigue, ’tis apparent already. Unworthy Mr. Dapperwit, after my confidence reposed in you, could you be so little generous as to betray me to my father’s man? but I’ll be even with you.
Sir Sim. Do not accuse him, poor man! before you hear him.—Tell her the intrigue, man.
Dap. A pox! she will not believe us.
Sir Sim. Will you not excuse yourself? but I must not let it rest so.—Know, then, Mrs. Martha—
Mrs. Mar. Come, I forgive thee before thy confession, Jonas; you never had had the confidence to have designed this cheat upon me but from Mr. Dapperwit’s encouragement—’twas his plot.
Sir Sim. Nay, do not do me that wrong, madam.
Mrs. Mar. But since he has trepanned me out of my father’s house, he is like to keep me as long as I live; and so good night, Jonas.
Sir Sim. Hold, hold, what d’ye mean both? prithee tell her I am Sir Simon, and no Jonas.
Dap. A pox! she will not believe us, I tell you.
Sir Sim. I have provided a supper and parson at Mulberry-garden, and invited all my friends I could meet in the Park.
Dap. Nay, rather than they shall be disappointed, there shall be a bride and bridegroom to entertain ’em; Mrs. Martha and I will go thither presently.
Sir Sim. Why, shall she be your bride?
Dap. You see she will have it so.
Sir Sim. Will you make Dapperwit your husband?
Mrs. Mar. Rather than my father’s man.
Sir Sim. Oh, the devil!
Mrs. Mar. Nay, come along, Jonas, you shall make one at the wedding, since you helped to contrive it.
Sir Sim. Will you cheat yourself, for fear of being cheated?
Mrs. Mar. I am desperate now.
Sir Sim. Wilt thou let her do so ill a thing, Dapperwit, as to marry thee? open her eyes, prithee, and tell her I am a true knight.
Dap. ’Twould be in vain, by my life! you have carried yourself so like a natural clerk—and so adieu, good Jonas. [Exeunt Mrs. Martha and Dapperwit.
Sir Sim. What! ruined by my own plot, like an old cavalier! yet like him, too, I will plot on still, a plot of prevention. So! I have it—her father was here even now, I’m sure; well—I’ll go tell her father of her, that I will!
And punish so her folly and his treachery:
Revenge is sweet, and makes amends for lechery.
[Exit.