Act the Fifth
Scene I St. James’s Park
Enter Dapperwit and Sir Simon Addleplot, the latter leading Mrs. Martha.
Sir Sim. At length you see I have freed the captive lady for her longing knight, Mr. Dapperwit:—who brings off a plot cleverly now?
Dap. I wish our poets were half so good at it.—Mrs. Martha, a thousand welcomes! [Dapperwit kisses and embraces Mrs. Martha.
Sir Sim. Hold, hold, sir: your joy is a little too familiar, faith and troth!
Dap. Will you not let me salute Mrs. Martha?
Mrs. Mar. What, Jonas, do you think I do not know good breeding? must I be taught by you?
Sir Sim. I would have kept the maidenhead of your lips for your sweet knight, Mrs. Martha, that’s all; I dare swear you never kissed any man before but your father.
Mrs. Mar. My sweet knight, if he will be knight of mine, must be contented with what he finds, as well as other knights.
Sir Sim. So smart already, faith and troth!
Mrs. Mar. Dear Mr. Dapperwit I am overjoyed to see you; but I thank honest Jonas for’t. [She hugs Dapperwit.
Sir Sim. [Aside.] How she hugs him!
Mrs. Mar. Poor Mr. Dapperwit, I thought I should never have seen you again; but I thank honest Jonas there—
Sir Sim. Do not thank me, Mrs. Martha, any more than I thank you.
Mrs. Mar. I would not be ungrateful, Jonas.
Sir Sim. Then reserve your kindness only for your worthy, noble, brave, heroic knight, who loves you only, and only deserves your kindness.
Mrs. Mar. I will show my kindness to my worthy, brave, heroic knight, in being kind to his friend, his dear friend, who helped him to me. [Hugs Dapperwit again.
Sir Sim. But, Mistress Martha, he is not to help him always; though he helps him to be married, he is not to help him when he is married.
Mrs. Mar. What, Mr. Dapperwit, will you love my worthy knight less after marriage than before? that were against the custom; for marriage gets a man friends, instead of losing those he has.
Dap. I will ever be his servant and yours, dear madam; do not doubt me.
Mrs. Mar. I do not, sweet dear Mr. Dapperwit; but I should not have seen you these two days if it had not been for honest Jonas there—[She kisses Dapperwit.
Sir Sim. [Apart to Dapperwit.] For shame! though she be young and foolish, do not you wrong me to my face.
Dap. Would you have me so ill bred as to repulse her innocent kindness?—what a thing it is to want wit!
Sir Sim. [Aside.] A pox! I must make haste to discover myself, or I shall discover what I would not discover; but if I should discover myself in this habit, ’twould not be to my advantage. But I’ll go, put on my own clothes, and look like a knight.—[Aloud.] Well, Mrs. Martha, I’ll go seek out your knight: are you not impatient to see him?
Mrs. Mar. Wives must be obedient; let him take his own time.
Sir Sim. Can you trust yourself a turn or two with Master Dapperwit?
Mrs. Mar. Yes, yes, Jonas—as long as you will.
Sir Sim. [Aside.] But I would not trust you with him, if I could help it.—
So married wight sees what he dares not blame;
And cannot budge for fear, nor stay for shame. [Exit.
Dap. I am glad he is gone, that I may laugh. ’Tis such a miracle of fops, that his conversation should be pleasant to me, even when it hindered me of yours.
Mrs. Mar. Indeed, I’m glad he is gone too, as pleasant as he is.
Dap. I know why, I know why, sweet Mrs. Martha. I warrant you, you had rather have the parson’s company than his?—now you are out of your father’s house, ’tis time to leave being a hypocrite.
Mrs. Mar. Well, for the jest’s sake, to disappoint my knight, I would not care if I disappointed myself of a ladyship.
Dap. Come, I will not keep you on the tenters; I know you have a mind to make sure of me: I have a little chaplain (I wish he were a bishop or one of the friars) to perfect our revenge upon that zealous Jew, your father.
Mrs. Mar. Do not speak ill of my father; he has been your friend, I’m sure.
Dap. My friend!
Mrs. Mar. His hard usage of me conspired with your good mien and wit, and to avoid slavery unto him, I stoop to your yoke.
Dap. I will be obliged to your father for nothing but a portion; nor to you for your love; ’twas due to my merit.
Mrs. Mar. You show yourself Sir Simon’s original; if ’twere not for that vanity—
Dap. I should be no wit—’tis the badge of my calling; for you can no more find a man of wit without vanity than a fine woman without affectation: but let us go before the knight comes again.
Mrs. Mar. Let us go before my father comes; he soon will have the intelligence.
Dap. Stay, let me think a little. [Pauses.
Mrs. Mar. What are you thinking of? you should have thought before this time, or I should have thought rather.
Dap. Peace! peace!
Mrs. Mar. What are you thinking of?
Dap. I am thinking what a wit without vanity is like. He is like—
Mrs. Mar. You do not think we are in a public place, and may be surprised and prevented by my father’s scouts!
Dap. What! would you have me lose my thought?
Mrs. Mar. You would rather lose your mistress, it seems.
Dap. He is like—I think I am a sot to-night, let me perish.
Mrs. Mar. Nay, if you are so in love with your thought—[Offers to go.
Dap. Are you so impatient to be my wife?—He is like—he is like—a picture without shadows, or—or—a face without patches—or a diamond without a foil. These are new thoughts now, these are new!
Mrs. Mar. You are wedded already to your thoughts, I see;—good night.
Dap. Madam, do not take it ill:—
For loss of happy thought there’s no amends;
For his new jest true wit will lose old friends.
That’s new again,—the thought’s new. [Exeunt.