Scene II Another Room in the Same
Sir Simon Addleplot discovered sitting at a desk writing as a Clerk, Lady Flippant jogging him.
Sir Sim. ’Tis a lord’s mortgage, and therefore requires the more haste:—pray do not jog me, madam.
L. Flip. Dull rascal! [Aside.
Sir Sim. They cannot stay for money as other folks. If you will not let me make an end on’t, I shall lose my expedition-fee.
L. Flip. There are some clerks would have understood me before this. [Aside.
Sir Sim. Nay, pray be quiet, madam; if you squeeze me so to the wall, I cannot write.
L. Flip. [Aside.] ’Tis much for the honour of the gentlemen of this age, that we persons of quality are forced to descend to the importuning of a clerk, a butler, coachman, or footman; while the rogues are as dull of apprehension, too, as an unfledged country squire amongst his mother’s maids! [Jogs him again.
Sir Sim. Again! Let me tell you, madam, familiarity breeds contempt: you’ll never leave till you have made me saucy.
L. Flip. I would I could see that.
Sir Sim. I vow and swear then, get you gone! or I’ll add a black patch or two to those on your face.—[Aside.] I shall have no time to get Mrs. Martha out, for her.
L. Flip. Will you, sir, will you! [Jogs him again.
Sir Sim. [Aside.] I must have a plot for her, she is a coy woman.—[Aloud.] I vow and swear if you pass this crevice,45 I’ll kiss you in plain English.
L. Flip. I would I could see that!—do you defy me! [Steps to him—he kisses her.
Sir Sim. [Aside.] How’s this! I vow and swear, she kisses as tamely as Mrs. Ticklish, and with her mouth open too.
L. Flip. I thought you would have been ashamed to have done so to your master’s own sister!
Sir Sim. I hope you’ll be quiet now, madam?
L. Flip. Nay, I’ll be revenged of you sure.
Sir Sim. If you come again, I shall do more to you than that.—[Aside.] I’ll pursue my plot and try if she be honest.
L. Flip. You do more to me than that! nay, if you’ll do more to me than that—[She throws down his ink and runs out, he following her.
Enter Mrs. Joyner.
Mrs. Joyn. I must visit my young clients in the meantime.
Re-enter Sir Simon, holding up his hands.
What’s the matter, Sir Simon?
Sir Sim. Lord! who would have thought it?
Mrs. Joyn. What ails you, Sir Simon?
Sir Sim. I have made such a discovery, Mrs. Joyner!
Mrs. Joyn. What is’t?
Sir Sim. Such a one that makes me at once glad and sorry; I am sorry my Lady Flippant is naught, but I’m glad I know it:—thanks still to my disguise.
Mrs. Joyn. Fy! fy!
Sir Sim. Nay, this hand can tell—
Mrs. Joyn. But how?
Sir Sim. She threw down my ink-glass, and ran away into the next room; I followed her, and, in revenge, threw her down upon the bed:—but, in short, all that I could do to her would not make her squeak.
Mrs. Joyn. She was out of breath, man, she was out of breath.
Sir Sim. Ah, Mrs. Joyner, say no more, say no more of that!
Re-enter Lady Flippant.
L. Flip. You rude, unmannerly rascal!
Mrs. Joyn. You see she complains now.
Sir Sim. I know why, Mrs. Joyner, I know why. [Aside to Mrs. Joyner.
L. Flip. I’ll have you turned out of the house; you are not fit for my brother’s service.
Sir Sim. Not for yours, you mean, madam. [Aside.
L. Flip. I’ll go and acquaint my brother—
Mrs. Joyn. [Aside to Lady Flippant.] Hold, hold, madam, speak not so loud:—’tis Sir Simon Addleplot, your lover, who has taken this disguise on purpose to be near you, and to watch and supplant his rival.
L. Flip. What a beast was I, I could not discover it! you have undone me! why would you not tell me sooner of it? [Aside to Mrs. Joyner.
Mrs. Joyn. I thought he had been discernible enough.
L. Flip. I protest, I knew him not; for I must confess to you, my eyes are none of the best since I have used the last new wash of mercury-water.—What will he think of me!
Mrs. Joyn. Let me alone with him.—[To Sir Simon.] Come, come, did you think you could disguise yourself from my lady’s knowledge? she knew you, man, or else you had ne’er had those liberties. Alas, poor lady, she cannot resist you!
L. Flip. ’Tis my weakness.
Sir Sim. How’s this!—but here comes my master.
Enter Gripe and Mrs. Martha.
Gripe. Come, Mrs. Joyner, are you ready to go?
Mrs. Joyn. I am ever ready when your worship commands.
L. Flip. Brother, if you go to t’other end of the town, you’ll set me down near the playhouse?
Gripe. The playhouse! do you think I will be seen near the playhouse?
L. Flip. You shall set me down in Lincoln’s-inn-fields, then? for I have earnest business there.—[Apart to Sir Simon.] When I come home again, I’ll laugh at you soundly, Sir Simon.
Sir Sim. Has Joyner betrayed me then! ’tis time to look to my hits. [Aside.
Gripe. Martha, be sure you stay within now. If you go out, you shall never come into my doors again.
Mrs. Mar. No, I will not, sir; I’ll ne’er come into your doors again, if once I should go out.
Gripe. ’Tis well said, girl. [Exeunt Gripe, Mrs. Joyner, and Lady Flippant.
Sir Sim. ’Twas prettily said: I understand you, they are dull, and have no intrigue in ’em. But dear sweet Mrs. Martha, ’tis time we were gone; you have stole away your scarfs and hood from your maid, I hope?
Mrs. Mar. Nay, I am ready, but—
Sir Sim. Come, come, Sir Simon Addleplot, poor gentleman, is an impatient man, to my knowledge.
Mrs. Mar. Well, my venture is great, I’m sure, for a man I know not. But pray, Jonas, do not deceive me; is he so fine a gentleman, as you say he is?
Sir Sim. Pish! pish! he is the—gentleman of the town, faith and troth.
Mrs. Mar. But may I take your word, Jonas?
Sir Sim. ’Tis not my word, ’tis the word of all the town.
Mrs. Mar. Excuse me, Jonas, for that:—I never heard any speak well of him but Mr. Dapperwit and you.
Sir Sim. That’s because he has been a rival to all men, and a gallant to all ladies. Rivals and deserted mistresses never speak well of a man.
Mrs. Mar. Has he been so general in his amours? his kindness is not to be valued then.
Sir Sim. The more by you; because ’tis for you he deserts all the rest, faith and troth.
Mrs. Mar. You plead better for him than he could for himself, I believe; for, indeed, they say he is no better than an idiot.
Sir Sim. Then, believe me, madam—for nobody knows him better than I—he has as much wit, courage, and as good a mien to the full, as I have.—He an idiot!
Mrs. Mar. The common gull; so perspicuous a fop, the women find him out:—for none of ’em will marry him.
Sir Sim. You may see, now, how he and you are abused. For that he is not married, is a sign of his wit; and for being perspicuous, ’tis false; he is as mysterious as a new parliament-man, or a young statesman newly taken from a coffee-house or tennis-court.
Mrs. Mar. But is it a sign of his wit because he is not married?
Sir Sim. Yes, yes; your women of the town ravish your fops: there’s not one about the town unmarried that has anything.
Mrs. Mar. It may be then he has spent his estate.
Sir Sim. [Aside.] How unluckily guessed!—[Aloud.] If he had, he has a head can retrieve it again.
Mrs. Mar. Besides, they say he has the modish distemper.
Sir Sim. He can cure it with the best French chirurgeon in town.
Mrs. Mar. Has his practice on himself been so much?
Sir Sim. Come, come.—
Fame, like deserted jilt, does still belie men;
Who doubts her man, must be advised by Hymen;
For he knows best of any how to try men. [Exeunt.