Scene II Before Candido’s Shop
Enter Candido, and Lodovico disguised as a Prentice.
Lod. Come, come, come, what do ye lack, sir? what do ye lack, sir? what is’t ye lack, sir? Is not my worship well suited? did you ever see a gentleman better disguised?
Cand. Never, believe me, signor.
Lod. Yes, but when he has been drunk. There be prentices would make mad gallants, for they would spend all, and drink, and whore, and so forth; and I see we gallants could make mad prentices. How does thy wife like me? Nay, I must not be so saucy, then I spoil all: pray you how does my mistress like me?
Cand. Well; for she takes you for a very simple fellow.
Lod. And they that are taken for such are commonly the arrantest knaves: but to our comedy, come.
Cand. I shall not act it; chide, you say, and fret,
And grow impatient: I shall never do’t.
Lod. ’Sblood, cannot you do as all the world does, counterfeit?
Cand. Were I a painter, that should live by drawing
Nothing but pictures of an angry man,
I should not earn my colours; I cannot do’t.
Lod. Remember you’re a linen-draper, and that if you give your wife a yard, she’ll take an ell: give her not therefore a quarter of your yard, not a nail.
Cand. Say I should turn to ice, and nip her love
Now ’tis but in the bud.
Lod. Well, say she’s nipt.
Cand. It will so overcharge her heart with grief,
That like a cannon, when her sighs go off,
She in her duty either will recoil,
Or break in pieces and so die: her death,
By my unkindness might be counted murder.
Lod. Die? never, never. I do not bid you beat her, nor give her black eyes, nor pinch her sides; but cross her humours. Are not baker’s arms the scales of justice? yet is not their bread light? and may not you, I pray, bridle her with a sharp bit, yet ride her gently?
Cand. Well, I will try your pills,
Do you your faithful service, and be ready
Still at a pinch to help me in this part,
Or else I shall be out clean.
Lod. Come, come, I’ll prompt you.
Cand. I’ll call her forth now, shall I?
Lod. Do, do, bravely.
Cand. Luke, I pray, bid your mistress to come hither.
Lod. Luke, I pray, bid your mistress to come hither.
Cand. Sirrah, bid my wife come to me: why, when?257
1st Pren. [Within] Presently, sir, she comes.
Lod. La, you, there’s the echo! she comes.
Enter Bride.
Bride. What is your pleasure with me?
Cand. Marry, wife,
I have intent; and you see this stripling here,
He bears good will and liking to my trade,
And means to deal in linen.
Lod. Yes, indeed, sir, I would deal in linen, if my mistress like me so well as I like her.
Cand. I hope to find him honest, pray; good wife, look that his bed and chamber be made ready.
Bride. You’re best to let him hire me for his maid.
I look to his bed? look to’t yourself.
Cand. Even so?
I swear to you a great oath—
Lod. Swear, cry Zounds!—
Cand. I will not—go to, wife—I will not—
Lod. That your great oath?
Cand. Swallow these gudgeons!
Lod. Well said!
Bride. Then fast, then you may choose.
Cand. You know at table
What tricks you played, swaggered, broke glasses, fie!
Fie, fie, fie! and now before my prentice here,
You make an ass of me, thou—what shall I call thee?
Bride. Even what you will.
Lod. Call her arrant whore.
Cand. Oh fie, by no means! then she’ll call me cuckold.
Sirrah, go look to th’ shop. How does this show?
Lod. Excellent well—I’ll go look to the shop, sir.
Fine cambrics, lawns; what do you lack? [Goes into the shop.
Cand. A curst cow’s milk I ha’ drunk once before,
And ’twas so rank in taste, I’ll drink no more.
Wife, I’ll tame you.
Bride. You may, sir, if you can,
But at a wrestling I have seen a fellow
Limbed like an ox, thrown by a little man.
Cand. And so you’ll throw me?—Reach me, knaves, a yard!
Lod. A yard for my master.
[Lodovico returns from the shop with a yard-wand and followed by Prentices.
1st Pren. My master is grown valiant.
Cand. I’ll teach you fencing tricks.
Prentices. Rare, rare! a prize!258
Lod. What will you do, sir?
Cand. Marry, my good prentice, nothing but breathe my wife.
Bride. Breathe me with your yard?
Lod. No, he’ll but measure you out, forsooth.
Bride. Since you’ll needs fence, handle your weapon well,
For if you take a yard, I’ll take an ell.
Reach me an ell!
Lod. An ell for my mistress! [Brings an ell wand from the shop. Keep the laws of the noble science, sir, and measure weapons with her; your yard is a plain heathenish weapon; ’tis too short, she may give you a handful, and yet you’ll not reach her.
Cand. Yet I ha’ the longer arm.—Come fall to’t roundly,
And spare not me, wife, for I’ll lay’t on soundly:
If o’er husbands their wives will needs be masters,
We men will have a law to win’t at wasters.259
Lod. ’Tis for the breeches, is’t not?
Cand. For the breeches!
Bride. Husband, I’m for you, I’ll not strike in jest.
Cand. Nor I.
Bride. But will you sign to one request?
Cand. What’s that?
Bride. Let me give the first blow.
Cand. The first blow, wife? shall I?
Lod. Let her ha’t:
If she strike hard, in to her, and break her pate.
Cand. A bargain: strike!
Bride. Then guard you from this blow,
For I play all at legs, but ’tis thus low. [Kneels.
Behold, I’m such a cunning fencer grown,
I keep my ground, yet down I will be thrown
With the least blow you give me: I disdain
The wife that is her husband’s sovereign.
She that upon your pillow first did rest,
They say, the breeches wore, which I detest:
The tax which she imposed on you, I abate you;
If me you make your master, I shall hate you.
The world shall judge who offers fairest play;
You win the breeches, but I win the day.
Cand. Thou win’st the day indeed, give me thy hand;
I’ll challenge thee no more: my patient breast
Played thus the rebel, only for a jest:
Here’s the rank rider, that breaks colts; ’tis he
Can tame the mad folks, and curst wives easily.
Bride. Who? your man?
Cand. My man? my master, though his head be bare,
But he’s so courteous, he’ll put off his hair.
Lod. Nay, if your service be so hot a man cannot keep his hair on, I’ll serve you no longer. [Takes off his false hair.
Bride. Is this your schoolmaster?
Lod. Yes, faith, wench, I taught him to take thee down: I hope thou canst take him down without teaching;
You ha’ got the conquest, and you both are friends.
Cand. Bear witness else.
Lod. My prenticeship then ends.
Cand. For the good service you to me have done,
I give you all your years.
Lod. I thank you, master.
I’ll kiss my mistress now, that she may say,
My man was bound, and free all in one day. [Exeunt.