Scene III Candido’s Shop
Enter Viola and the two Prentices.
Vio. What’s a’clock now?
2nd Pren. ’Tis almost twelve.
Vio. That’s well,
The Senate will leave wording presently:
But is George ready?
2nd Pren. Yes, forsooth, he’s furbished.
Vio. Now, as you ever hope to win my favour,
Throw both your duties and respects on him,
With the like awe as if he were your master,
Let not your looks betray it with a smile,
Or jeering glance to any customer;
Keep a true settled countenance, and beware
You laugh not, whatsoe’er you hear or see.
2nd Pren. I warrant you, mistress, let us alone for keeping our countenance: for, if I list, there’s ne’er a fool in all Milan shall make me laugh, let him play the fool never so like an ass, whether it be the fat court-fool, or the lean city-fool.
Vio. Enough then, call down George.
2nd Pren. I hear him coming.
Vio. Be ready with your legs201 then, let me see
How courtesy would become him.—
Enter George in Candido’s apparel.
Beshrew my blood, a proper seemly man. Gallantly!
Of a choice carriage, walks with a good port!
Geo. I thank you, mistress, my back’s broad enough, now my master’s gown’s on.
Vio. Sure, I should think it were the least of sin,
To mistake the master, and to let him in.
Geo. ’Twere a good Comedy of Errors202 that, i’faith.
2nd Pren. Whist, whist! my master.
Vio. You all know your tasks.
Enter Candido,203 dressed as before in the carpet: he stares at George, and exit.
God’s my life, what’s that he has got upon’s back? who can tell?
Geo. [Aside.] That can I, but I will not.
Vio. Girt about him like a madman! what has he lost his cloak too? This is the maddest fashion that e’er I saw. What said he, George, when he passed by thee?
Geo. Troth, mistress, nothing: not so much as a bee, he did not hum: not so much as a bawd, he did not hem: not so much as a cuckold, he did not ha: neither hum, hem, nor ha; only stared me in the face, passed along, and made haste in, as if my looks had worked with him, to give him a stool.
Vio. Sure he’s vexed now, this trick has moved his spleen,
He’s angered now, because he uttered nothing:
And wordless wrath breaks out more violent,
May be he’ll strive for place, when he comes down,
But if thou lov’st me, George, afford him none.
Geo. Nay, let me alone to play my master’s prize,204 as long as my mistress warrants me: I’m sure I have his best clothes on, and I scorn to give place to any that is inferior in apparel to me, that’s an axiom, a principle, and is observed as much as the fashion; let that persuade you then, that I’ll shoulder with him for the upper hand in the shop, as long as this chain will maintain it.
Vio. Spoke with the spirit of a master, though with the tongue of a prentice.
Re-enter Candido dressed as a Prentice.
Why how now, madman? what in your tricksi-coats?
Cand. O peace, good mistress.
Enter Crambo and Poh.
See, what you lack? what is’t you buy? pure calicoes, fine Hollands, choice cambrics, neat lawns: see what you buy? pray come near, my master will use you well, he can afford you a penny-worth.
Vio. Ay, that he can, out of a whole piece of lawn i’faith.
Cand. Pray see your choice here, gentlemen.
Vio. O fine fool! what, a madman! a patient madman! who ever heard of the like? Well, sir, I’ll fit you and your humour presently: what, cross-points? I’ll untie ’em all in a trice: I’ll vex you i’faith: boy, take your cloak, quick, come. [Exit with 1st Prentice.
Cand. Be covered, George, this chain and welted gown
Bare to this coat? then the world’s upside down.
Geo. Umh, umh, hum.
Cram. That’s the shop, and there’s the fellow.
Poh. Ay, but the master is walking in there.
Cram. No matter, we’ll in.
Poh. ’Sblood, dost long to lie in limbo?
Cram. An limbo be in hell, I care not.
Cand. Look you, gentlemen, your choice: cambrics?
Cram. No, sir, some shirting.
Cand. You shall.
Cram. Have you none of this striped canvas for doublets?
Cand. None striped, sir, but plain.
2nd Pren. I think there be one piece striped within.
Geo. Step, sirrah, and fetch it, hum, hum, hum. [Exit 2nd Pren., and returns with the piece.
Cand. Look you, gentleman, I’ll make but one spreading, here’s a piece of cloth, fine, yet shall wear like iron, ’tis without fault; take this upon my word, ’tis without fault.
Cram. Then ’tis better than you, sirrah.
Cand. Ay, and a number more: Oh, that each soul
Were but as spotless as this innocent white,
And had as few breaks in it!
Cram. ’Twould have some then:
There was a fray here last day in this shop.
Cand. There was, indeed, a little flea-biting.
Poh. A gentleman had his pate broke; call you that but a flea-biting?
Cand. He had so.
Cram. Zounds, do you stand to it? [Strikes Candido.
Geo. ’Sfoot, clubs, clubs! prentices, down with ’em!
Enter several Prentices with clubs, who disarm Crambo and Poh.
Ah, you rogues, strike a citizen in’s shop?
Cand. None of you stir, I pray; forbear, good George.
Cram. I beseech you, sir, we mistook our marks; deliver us our weapons.
Geo. Your head bleeds, sir; cry clubs!
Cand. I say you shall not; pray be patient,
Give them their weapons: sirs, you’d best be gone,
I tell you here are boys more tough than bears:
Hence, lest more fists do walk about your ears.
Cram., Poh. We thank you, sir. [Exeunt.
Cand. You shall not follow them;
Let them alone, pray; this did me no harm;
Troth, I was cold, and the blow made me warm,
I thank ’em for’t: besides, I had decreed
To have a vein pricked, I did mean to bleed:
So that there’s money saved: they’re honest men,
Pray use ’em well, when they appear again.
Geo. Yes, sir, we’ll use ’em like honest men.
Cand. Ay, well said, George, like honest men, though they be arrant knaves, for that’s the phrase of the city; help to lay up these wares.
Re-enter Viola and 1st Prentice with Officers.
Vio. Yonder he stands.
1st Off. What in a prentice-coat?
Vio. Ay, ay; mad, mad; pray take heed.
Cand. How now! what news with them?
What make they with my wife?
Officers, is she attached?
—Look to your wares.
Vio. He talks to himself: oh, he’s much gone indeed.
1st Off. Pray, pluck up a good heart, be not so fearful:
Sirs, hark, we’ll gather to him by degrees.
Vio. Ay, ay, by degrees I pray: Oh me! What makes he with the lawn in his hand? He’ll tear all the ware in my shop.
1st Off. Fear not, we’ll catch him on a sudden.
Vio. Oh! you had need do so; pray take heed of your warrant.
1st Off. I warrant, mistress. Now, Signor Candido.
Cand. Now, sir, what news with you, sir?
Vio. What news with you? he says: oh, he’s far gone!
1st Off. I pray, fear nothing; let’s alone with him,
Signor, you look not like yourself, methinks,—
Steal you a’ t’other side; you’re changed, you’re altered.
Cand. Changed, sir, why true, sir. Is change strange? ’Tis not
The fashion unless it alter! monarchs turn
To beggars, beggars creep into the nests
Of princes, masters serve their prentices,
Ladies their serving-men, men turn to women.
1st Off. And women turn to men.
Cand. Ay, and women turn to men, you say true: ha, ha, a mad world, a mad world. [Officers seize Candido.
1st Off. Have we caught you, sir?
Cand. Caught me? well, well, you have caught me.
Vio. He laughs in your faces.
Geo. A rescue, prentices! my master’s catchpolled.
1st Off. I charge you, keep the peace, or have your legs
Gartered with irons! we have from the duke
A warrant strong enough for what we do.
Cand. I pray, rest quiet, I desire no rescue.
Vio. La, he desires no rescue, ’las poor heart,
He talks against himself.
Cand. Well, what’s the matter?
1st Off. Look to that arm, [Officers bind Candido.
Pray, make sure work, double the cord.
Cand. Why, why?
Vio. Look how his head goes, should he get but loose,
Oh ’twere as much as all our lives were worth!
1st Off. Fear not, we’ll make all sure for our own safety.
Cand. Are you at leisure now? well, what’s the matter?
Why do I enter into bonds thus, ha?
1st Off. Because you’re mad, put fear upon your wife.
Vio. Oh ay, I went in danger of my life every minute.
Cand. What, am I mad, say you, and I not know it?
1st Off. That proves you mad, because you know it not.
Vio. Pray talk to him as little as you can,
You see he’s too far spent.
Cand. Bound, with strong cord!
A sister’s thread, i’faith, had been enough,
To lead me anywhere.—Wife, do you long?
You are mad too, or else you do me wrong.
Geo. But are you mad indeed, master?
Cand. My wife says so,
And what she says, George, is all truth, you know.—
And whither now, to Bethlem Monastery?
Ha! whither?
1st Off. Faith, e’en to the madmen’s pound.
Cand. A’ God’s name! still I feel my patience sound. [Exeunt Officers with Candido.
Geo. Come, we’ll see whither he goes; if the master be mad, we are his servants, and must follow his steps; we’ll be mad-caps too. Farewell, mistress, you shall have us all in Bedlam. [Exeunt George and Prentices.
Vio. I think I ha’ fitted you now, you and your clothes,
If this move not his patience, nothing can;
I’ll swear then I’ve a saint, and not a man. [Exit.