Act the Third
Scene I Candido’s Shop
Candido, Viola, George, and two Prentices discovered: Fustigo enters, walking by.
Geo. See, gentlemen, what you lack; a fine holland, a fine cambric: see what you buy.
1st Pren. Holland for shirts, cambric for bands; what is’t you lack?
Fus. ’Sfoot, I lack ’em all; nay, more, I lack money to buy ’em. Let me see, let me look again: mass, this is the shop. [Aside.] What coz! sweet coz! how dost, i’faith, since last night after candlelight? we had good sport, i’faith, had we not? and when shall’s laugh again?
Vio. When you will, cousin.
Fus. Spoke like a kind Lacedemonian: I see yonder’s thy husband.
Vio. Ay, there’s the sweet youth, God bless him!
Fus. And how is’t, cousin? and how, how is’t, thou squall?170
Vio. Well, cousin, how fare you?
Fus. How fare I? for sixpence a-meal, wench, as well as heart can wish, with calves’ chaldrons,171 and chitterlings;172 besides, I have a punk after supper, as good as a roasted apple.
Cand. Are you my wife’s cousin?
Fus. I am, sir; what hast thou to do with that?
Cand. O, nothing, but you’re welcome.
Fus. The devil’s dung in thy teeth! I’ll be welcome whether thou wilt or no, I.—What ring’s this, coz? very pretty and fantastical, i’faith! let’s see it.
Vio. Pooh! nay, you wrench my finger.
Fus. I ha’ sworn I’ll ha’t, and I hope you will not let my oaths be cracked in the ring, will you? [Seizes the ring.] I hope, sir, you are not malicholly173 at this, for all your great looks: are you angry?
Cand. Angry? not I, sir, nay if she can part
So easily with her ring, ’tis with my heart.
Geo. Suffer this, sir, and suffer all, a whoreson gull, to—
Cand. Peace George, when she has reaped what I have sown,
She’ll say, one grain tastes better of her own,
Than whole sheaves gathered from another’s land:
Wit’s never good, till bought at a dear hand.
Geo. But in the mean-time she makes an ass of some body.
2nd Pren. See, see, see, sir, as you turn your back they do nothing but kiss.
Cand. No matter, let ’em: when I touch her lip,
I shall not feel his kisses, no, nor miss
Any of her lip: no harm in kissing is.
Look to your business, pray, make up your wares.
Fus. Troth, coz, and well remembered, I would thou wouldst give me five yards of lawn, to make my punk some falling bands a’ the fashion; three falling one upon another, for that’s the new edition now: she’s out of linen horribly, too; troth, sh’ as never a good smock to her back neither, but one that has a great many patches in’t, and that I’m fain to wear myself for want of shift, too: prithee, put me into wholesome napery, and bestow some clean commodities upon us.
Vio. Reach me those cambrics, and the lawns hither.
Cand. What to do, wife? to lavish out my goods upon a fool?
Fus. Fool? Snails, eat the fool, or I’ll so batter your crown, that it shall scarce go for five shillings.
2nd Pren. Do you hear, sir? you’re best be quiet, and say a fool tells you so.
Fus. Nails, I think so, for thou tellest me.
Cand. Are you angry, sir, because I named the fool?
Trust me, you are not wise in my own house,
And to my face to play the antic thus:
If you needs play the madman, choose a stage
Of lesser compass, where few eyes may note
Your action’s error: but if still you miss,
As here you do, for one clap, ten will hiss.
Fus. Zounds, cousin, he talks to me, as if I were a scurvy tragedian.
2nd Pren. Sirrah George, I ha’ thought upon a device, how to break his pate, beat him soundly, and ship him away.
Geo. Do’t.
2nd Pren. I’ll go in, pass through the house, give some of our fellow-prentices the watch-word when they shall enter; then come and fetch my master in by a wile, and place one in the hall to hold him in conference, whilst we cudgel the gull out of his coxcomb. [Exit 2nd Prentice.
Geo. Do’t: away, do’t.
Vio. Must I call twice for these cambrics and lawns?
Cand. Nay see, you anger her, George, prithee despatch.
1st Pren. Two of the choicest pieces are in the warehouse, sir.
Cand. Go fetch them presently.
Fus. Ay, do, make haste, sirrah. [Exit 1st Prentice.
Cand. Why were you such a stranger all this while, being my wife’s cousin?
Fus. Stranger? no sir, I’m a natural Milaner born.
Cand. I perceive still it is your natural guise to mistake me, but you are welcome, sir; I much wish your acquaintance.
Fus. My acquaintance? I scorn that, i’faith; I hope my acquaintance goes in chains of gold three and fifty times double:—you know who I mean, coz; the posts of his gate are a-painting too.174
Re-enter the 2nd Prentice.
2nd Pren. Signor Pandulfo the merchant desires conference with you.
Cand. Signor Pandulfo? I’ll be with him straight,
Attend your mistress and the gentleman. [Exit.
Vio. When do you show those pieces?
Fus. Ay, when do you show those pieces?
Prentices. [Within.] Presently, sir, presently: we are but charging them.
Fus. Come, sirrah: you flat-cap,175 where be these whites?
Re-enter 1st Prentice with pieces.
Geo. Flat-cap? hark in your ear, sir, you’re a flat fool, an ass, a gull, and I’ll thrum176 you:—do you see this cambric, sir?
Fus. ’Sfoot coz, a good jest, did you hear him? he told me in my ears, I was a “flat fool, an ass, a gull, and I’ll thrum you:—do you see this cambric sir?”
Vio. What, not my men, I hope?
Fus. No, not your men, but one of your men i’faith.
1st Pren. I pray, sir, come hither, what say you to this? here’s an excellent good one.
Fus. Ay, marry, this likes177 me well; cut me off some half-score yards.
2nd Pren. Let your whores cut; you’re an impudent coxcomb; you get none, and yet I’ll thrum you:—a very good cambric, sir.
Fus. Again, again, as God judge me! ’Sfoot, coz, they stand thrumming here with me all day, and yet I get nothing.
1st Pren. A word, I pray, sir, you must not be angry. Prentices have hot bloods, young fellows,—what say you to this piece? Look you, ’tis so delicate, so soft, so even, so fine a thread, that a lady may wear it.
Fus. ’Sfoot, I think so, if a knight marry my punk, a lady shall wear it: cut me off twenty yards: thou’rt an honest lad.
1st Pren. Not without money, gull, and I’ll thrum you too.
Prentices. [Within.] Gull, we’ll thrum you.
Fus. O Lord, sister, did you not hear something cry thrum? zounds, your men here make a plain ass of me.
Vio. What, to my face so impudent?
Geo. Ay, in a cause so honest, we’ll not suffer
Our master’s goods to vanish moneyless.
Vio. You will not suffer them?
2nd Pren. No, and you may blush,
In going about to vex so mild a breast,
As is our master’s.
Vio. Take away those pieces.
Cousin, I give them freely.
Fus. Mass, and I’ll take ’em as freely.
Geo., 1st and 2nd Pren., and other prentices, rushing in. We’ll make you lay ’em down again more freely. [They all attack Fustigo with their clubs.
Vio. Help, help! my brother will be murdered.
Re-enter Candido.
Cand. How now, what coil is here? forbear I say. [Exeunt all the Prentices except the 1st and 2nd.
Geo. He calls us flat-caps, and abuses us.
Cand. Why, sirs, do such examples flow from me?
Vio. They’re of your keeping, sir. Alas, poor brother.
Fus. I’faith they ha’ peppered me, sister; look, dost not spin? call you these prentices? I’ll ne’er play at cards more when clubs is trump: I have a goodly coxcomb, sister, have I not?
Cand. Sister and brother? brother to my wife?
Fus. If you have any skill in heraldry, you may soon know that; break but her pate, and you shall see her blood and mine is all one.
Cand. A surgeon! run, a surgeon! [Exit 1st Prentice.] Why then wore you that forged name of cousin?
Fus. Because it’s a common thing to call coz, and ningle178 now-a-days all the world over.
Cand. Cousin! A name of much deceit, folly, and sin,
For under that common abused word,
Many an honest-tempered citizen
Is made a monster, and his wife trained out
To foul adulterous action, full of fraud.
I may well call that word, a city’s bawd.
Fus. Troth, brother, my sister would needs ha’ me take upon me to gull your patience a little: but it has made double gules179 on my coxcomb.
Vio. What, playing the woman? blabbing now, you fool?
Cand. Oh, my wife did but exercise a jest upon your wit.
Fus. ’Sfoot, my wit bleeds for’t, methinks.
Cand. Then let this warning more of sense afford;
The name of cousin is a bloody word.
Fus. I’ll ne’er call coz again whilst I live, to have such a coil about it; this should be a coronation day; for my head runs claret lustily. [Exit.
Cand. Go, wish180 the surgeon to have great respect— [Exit 2nd Prentice.
Enter an Officer.
How now, my friend? what, do they sit to day?
Offi. Yes, sir, they expect you at the senate-house.
Cand. I thank your pains; I’ll not be last man there.— [Exit Officer.
My gown, George, go, my gown. [Exit George.] A happy land,
Where grave men meet each cause to understand;
Whose consciences are not cut out in bribes
To gull the poor man’s right; but in even scales,
Peize181 rich and poor, without corruption’s vails.182
Re-enter George.
Come, where’s the gown?
Geo. I cannot find the key, sir.
Cand. Request it of your mistress.
Vio. Come not to me for any key;
I’ll not be troubled to deliver it.
Cand. Good wife, kind wife, it is a needful trouble, but for my gown!
Vio. Moths swallow down your gown!
You set my teeth on edge with talking on’t.
Cand. Nay, prithee, sweet,—I cannot meet without it,
I should have a great fine set on my head.
Vio. Set on your coxcomb; tush, fine me no fines.
Cand. Believe me, sweet, none greets the senate-house,
Without his robe of reverence,—that’s his gown.
Vio. Well, then, you’re like to cross that custom once;
You get no key, nor gown; and so depart.—
This trick will vex him sure, and fret his heart. [Aside and Exit.
Cand. Stay, let me see, I must have some device,—
My cloak’s too short: fie, fie, no cloak will do’t;
It must be something fashioned like a gown,
With my arms out. Oh George, come hither, George:
I prithee, lend me thine advice.
Geo. Troth, sir, were’t any but you, they would break open chest.
Cand. O no! break open chest! that’s a thief’s office;
Therein you counsel me against my blood:
’Twould show impatience that: any meek means
I would be glad to embrace. Mass, I have got it.
Go, step up, fetch me down one of the carpets,183
The saddest-coloured carpet, honest George,
Cut thou a hole i’th’ middle for my neck,
Two for mine arms. Nay, prithee, look not strange.
Geo. I hope you do not think, sir, as you mean.
Cand. Prithee, about it quickly, the hour chides me:
Warily, George, softly, take heed of eyes, [Exit George.
Out of two evils he’s accounted wise,
That can pick out the least; the fine imposed
For an un-gowned senator, is about
Forty crusadoes,184 the carpet not ’bove four.
Thus have I chosen the lesser evil yet,
Preserved my patience, foiled her desperate wit.
Re-enter George with carpet.
Geo. Here, sir, here’s the carpet.
Cand. O well done, George, we’ll cut it just i’th’ midst. [They cut the carpet.
’Tis very well; I thank thee: help it on.
Geo. It must come over your head, sir, like a wench’s petticoat.
Cand. Thou’rt in the right, good George; it must indeed.
Fetch me a night-cap: for I’ll gird it close,
As if my health were queasy: ’twill show well
For a rude, careless night-gown, will’t not, think’st?
Geo. Indifferent well, sir, for a night-gown, being girt and pleated.
Cand. Ay, and a night-cap on my head.
Geo. That’s true sir, I’ll run and fetch one, and a staff. [Exit.
Cand. For thus they cannot choose but conster185 it,
One that is out of health, takes no delight,
Wears his apparel without appetite,
And puts on heedless raiment without form.—
Re-enter George, with nightcap and staff.
So, so, kind George, [Puts on nightcap.]—be secret now: and, prithee, do not laugh at me till I’m out of sight.
Geo. I laugh? not I, sir.
Cand. Now to the senate-house:
Methinks, I’d rather wear, without a frown,
A patient carpet, than an angry gown. [Exit.
Geo. Now, looks my master just like one of our carpet knights,186 only he’s somewhat the honester of the two.
Re-enter Viola.
Vio. What, is your master gone?
Geo. Yes, forsooth, his back is but new turned.
Vio. And in his cloak? did he not vex and swear?
Geo. No, but he’ll make you swear anon.— [Aside.]
No, indeed, he went away like a lamb.
Vio. Key, sink to hell! still patient, patient still?
I am with child187 to vex him: prithee, George,
If e’er thou look’st for favour at my hands,
Uphold one jest for me.
Geo. Against my master?
Vio. ’Tis a mere jest in faith: say, wilt thou do’t?
Geo. Well, what is’t?
Vio. Here, take this key; thou know’st where all things lie.
Put on thy master’s best apparel, gown,
Chain, cap, ruff, every thing, be like himself;
And ’gainst his coming home, walk in the shop;
Feign the same carriage, and his patient look,
’Twill breed but a jest, thou know’st; speak, wilt thou?
Geo. ’Twill wrong my master’s patience.
Vio. Prithee, George.
Geo. Well, if you’ll save me harmless, and put me under covert barn,188 I am content to please you, provided it may breed no wrong against him.
Vio. No wrong at all: here take the key, be gone:
If any vex him, this: if not this, none. [Exeunt.