The Comedies of Plautus

Asinaria — The Comedy of Asses

Argument
Dramatis Personae
Prologue
ACT I

Epilogue
Footnotes

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ARGVMENTVM

ARGUMENT OF THE PLAY

Amanti argento filio auxiliarier Sub imperio vivens volt senex uxorio. Itaque ob asinos relatum pretium Saureae Numerari iussit servolo Leonidae. Ad amicam id fertur. cedit noctem filius. Rivalis amens ob praereptam mulierem, Is rem omnem uxori per parasitum nuntiat. Accurrit uxor ac virum e lustris rapit.

An old gentleman, whose wife is the head of the household, desires to give his son financial support in a love affair. He therefore had some money, brought to Saurea in payment for some asses, counted out to a certain rascally servant of his own, Leonida. This money goes to the young fellow’s mistress, and he concedes his father an evening with her. A rival of his, beside himself at being deprived of the girl, sends word, by a parasite, to the old gentleman’s wife, of the whole matter. In rushes the wife and drags her husband from the house of vice.

PERSONAE	DRAMATIS PERSONAE
LIBANVS SERVVS	LIBANUS, slave of Demaenetus.
DEMAENETVS SENEX	DEMAENETUS, an old gentleman of Athens.
ARGYRIPPVS ADVLESCENS	ARGYRIPPUS, his son.
CLEARETA LENA	CLEARETA, a procuress.
LEONIDA SERVVS	LEONIDA, slave of Demaenetus.
MERCATOR	A TRADER.
PHILAENIVM MERETRIX	PHILAENIUM, a courtesan, daughter of Cleareta.
DIABOLVS ADVLESCENS	DIABOLUS, a young gentleman of Athens.
PARASITVS	A PARASITE.
ARTEMONA MATRONA	ARTEMONA, wife of Demaenetus.
	Scene:—Athens. A street running in front of the houses of Demaenetus and Cleareta: between the houses is a narrow lane.

PROLOGVS	PROLOGUE
Hoc agite sultis, spectatores, nunciam, quae quidem mihi atque vobis res vertat bene gregique huic et dominis atque conductoribus. face nunciam tu, praeco, omnem auritum poplum.	Kindly give us your entire attention now, spectators: I heartily hope it will result in benefit to me, also to you, and to this company and its managers, and to those that hire them. (turning to a herald) Herald, provide all this crowd with ears at once. (the herald proclaims silence)
age nunc reside, cave modo ne gratiis. nunc quid processerim huc et quid mihi voluerim dicam: ut sciretis nomen huius fabulae; nam quod ad argumentum attinet, sane brevest.	Enough enough! Sit down—and be sure you put that in your bill! (to audience) Now I shall say why I have come out before you here and what I wished: I have come to acquaint you with the name of this play. For as far as the plot is concerned, that is quite simple.
nunc quod me dixi velle vobis dicere, 10 dicam: huic nomen Graece Onagost fabulae; Demophilus scripsit, Maccus vortit barbare; Asinariam volt esse, si per vos licet. inest lepos ludusque in hac comoedia, ridicula res est. date benigne operam mihi, ut vos, ut alias, pariter nunc Mars adiuvet.	Now I shall say what I said I wished to say: the Greek name of this play is ONAGOS: Demophilus wrote it: Maccus translated it into a foreign tongue. He wishes to call it THE COMEDY OF ASSES, by your leave. It is a clever comedy, full of drollery and laughable situations. Do oblige me by being attentive, that now too, as in other days, Mars may be with you.

ACTVS I	ACT I
	enter Demaenetus, from his house, bringing Libanus.
Lib.	Lib.
Sicut tuom vis unicum gnatum tuae superesse vitae sospitem et superstitem, ita ted obtestor per senectutem tuam perque illam, quam tu metuis, uxorem tuam, 20 si quid med erga hodie falsum dixeris, ut tibi superstes uxor aetatem siet atque illa viva vivos ut pestem oppetas.	(very solemnly) As you hope to have your only son survive hale and hearty, sir, when you’re gone yourself, I implore you, sir, by your hoary hairs and by the one you dread, your wife, sir—if you tell me any lie to-day, may she outlast you by years and years, yes, sir, and you die a living death with her alive.
Dem.	Dem.
Per Dium Fidium quaeris: iurato mihi video necesse esse eloqui quidquid roges.1 (24) (27) proinde actutum istuc quid sit quod scire expetis eloquere: ut ipse scibo, te faciam ut scias.	(laughing) You beg me by the very God of Truth. Once under oath, I see I must tell you whatever you ask. Come then, quick! Let me hear what you wish to know, and so far as I know myself, I shall let you know.
Lib.	Lib.
Die obsecro hercle serio quod te rogem, cave mihi mendaci quicquam.	For God’s sake, sir, do please answer my question seriously! No lying to me, sir, mind that!
Dem.	Dem.
30 Quin tu ergo rogas?	Then why not ask your question?
Lib.	Lib.
Num me illuc ducis, ubi lapis lapidem terit?	(anxiously) You won’t take me where stone rubs stone, sir?
Dem.	Dem.
Quid istuc est? aut ubi istuc est terrarum loci?2 (32)	What do you mean? Where in the world is that?
Lib.	Lib.
(34) Apud fustitudinas, ferricrepinas insulas, ubi vivos homines mortui incursant boves.	There at the Clubbangian-Chainclangian Islands, sir, where dead oxen attack living men.
Dem.	Dem.
Modo pol percepi, Libane, quid istuc sit loci: ubi fit polenta, te fortasse dicere.	(reflecting, then with a chuckle) Bless my soul! At last I get your meaning, Libanus—the barley millA: I daresay that’s the place you mention.
Lib.	Lib.
Ah, neque hercle ego istuc dico nec dictum volo, teque obsecro hercle, ut quae locutu’s despuas.	(in grotesque terror) Oh Lord, no! I’m not mentioning that, and I don’t want it mentioned, either, and for the love of heaven, sir, do spit away that word!
Dem.	Dem.
Fiat, geratur mos tibi.	(spitting) All right. Anything to humour you.
Lib.	Lib.
40 Age, age usque excrea.	Go on, sir, go on! Hawk it way up!
Dem.	Dem.
Etiamne?	(spitting again) Will that do?
Lib.	Lib.
Age quaeso hercle usque ex penitis faucibus, etiam amplius.	Go on, sir, for God’s sake, way from the bottom of your gullet! (Demaenetus spits violently) Farther down still, sir!
Dem.	Dem.
Nam quo usque?	Eh? How far?
Lib.	Lib.
Usque ad mortem volo.	(half aside) To the door of death, I hope.
Dem.	Dem.
Cave sis malam rem.	(angrily) Kindly look out, my man, look out!
Lib.	Lib.
Uxoris dico, non tuam.	(hastily) Your wife’s, sir, I mean, not yours.
Dem.	Dem.
Dono te ob istuc dictum, ut expers sis metu.	(laughing) Never fear—for that remark I grant you immunity.
Lib.	Lib.
Di tibi dent quaecumque optes.	And heaven grant you all your prayers, sir.
Dem.	Dem.
Redde operam mihi. cur hoc ego ex te quaeram? aut cur miniter tibi propterea quod me non scientem feceris? aut cur postremo filio suscenseam, patres ut faciunt ceteri?	Now listen to me for a change. Why should I ask you about this? Or threaten you because you haven’t informed me? Or for that matter, why should I fly into a rage at my son, as other fathers do?
Lib.	Lib.
50 Quid istuc novi est? demiror quid sit et quo evadat sum in metu.	(aside) Hm! What’s this surprise? Wonder what it means! Where it will end is what scares me.
Dem.	Dem.
Equidem scio iam, filius quod amet meus istanc meretricem e proxumo Philaenium. estne hoc ut dico, Libane?	As a matter of fact, I know already that my son has an affair with that wench, Philaenium, next door. Isn’t that so, Libanus?
Lib.	Lib.
Rectam instas viam. ea res est. sed eum morbus invasit gravis.	You’re on the right track, sir. That’s how it is. But he has suffered a severe shock.
Dem.	Dem.
Quid morbi est?	Shock? What?
Lib.	Lib.
Quia non suppetunt dictis data.	Well, his presents are falling short of his promises.
Dem.	Dem.
Tune es adiutor nunc amanti filio?	Are you aiding my son in this amour?
Lib.	Lib.
Sum vero, et alter noster est Leonida.	Indeed I am, sir, and so is my mate, your servant Leonida.
Dem.	Dem.
Bene hercle facitis et a me initis gratiam. 60 verum meam uxorem, Libane, nescis qualis sit?	Well, well, my lad, thanks! You are both earning my gratitude. But (looking cautiously around) my wife, Libanus, don’t you know her temperament?
Lib.	Lib.
Tu primus sentis, nos tamen in pretio sumus.	(with certainty) You feel it first, sir, but we get plenty of it.
Dem.	Dem.
Fateor eam esse importunam atque incommodam.	(awkwardly) I confess that she is... high-handed and... hard to get along with.
Lib.	Lib.
Posterius istuc dicis quam credo tibi.	I believe that before you speak a word, sir.
Dem.	Dem.
Omnes parentes, Libane, liberis suis qui mi auscultabunt, facient obsequellam3 quippe qui mage amico utantur gnato et benevolo. atque ego me id facere studeo, volo amari a meis;	(with an air of profound moral conviction) Libanus, all parents who take my advice will be a bit indulgent to their children, seeing it makes a son more friendly and affectionate. Yes, and I am anxious to be so myself. I wish to be loved by my own flesh and blood;
volo me patris mei similem, qui causa mea nauclerico ipse ornatu per fallaciam 70 quam amabam abduxit ab lenone mulierem; neque puduit eum id aetatis sycophantias struere et beneficiis me emere gnatum suom sibi. eos me decretumst persequi mores patris.	I wish to model myself on my own father who dressed up as a shipmaster for my sake and swindled a slave-dealer out of a girl I was in love with. He felt no shame at going in for hocus-pocus at his time of life, and buying his son’s affection, mine, by his kindnesses. These methods of my father’s I have resolved to follow out myself.
nam me hodie oravit Argyrippus filius, uti sibi amanti facerem argenti copiam; et id ego percupio obsequi gnato meo.4 (76) (78) quamquam illum mater arte contenteque habet, patres ut consueverunt: ego mitto omnia haec.	Well now, this very day my boy Argyrippus begged me to supply him with some money, saying he was in love: and I heartily desire to oblige the dear lad. No matter if his mother does keep a firm, tight rein on him and play the ordinary father’s part, none of that for me.
80 praesertim quom is me dignum quoi concrederet habuit, me habere honorem eius ingenio decet; quom me adiit, ut pudentem gnatum acquomst patrem, cupio esse amicae quod det argentum suae.	And seeing he has regarded me as worthy of his confidence, I have special reason to respect his inclinations. Now that he has applied to me, as a respectful son should to his father, I am desirous that he should have some money for his mistress.
Lib.	Lib.
Cupis id quod cupere te nequiquam intellego. dotalem servom Sauream uxor tua adduxit, cui plus in manu sit quam tibi.	You’re desirous of something you’ll desire in vain, sir, I reckon. Your wife’s brought along Saurea, that dower slave of hers, to have more power than you.
Dem.	Dem.
Argentum accepi, dote imperium vendidi. nunc verba in pauca conferam quid te velim. viginti iam usust filio argenti minis: face id ut paratum iam sit.	(bitterly) Sold myself! Gave up my authority for a dowry! (pause) Now, in a word, here is what I want of you. My son needs eighty poundsB at once: will you see it is procured at once.
Lib.	Lib.
90 Unde gentium?	Where in the world from?
Dem.	Dem.
Me defraudato.	Cheat me out of it.
Lib.	Lib.
Maxumas nugas agis: nudo detrahere vestimenta me iubes. defraudem te ego? age sis, tu sine pennis vola. tene ego defraudem, cui ipsi nihil est in manu, nisi quid tu porro uxorem defraudaveris?	What awful nonsense you do talk! You’re telling me to strip the clothes off a naked man. I cheat you out of it? Come, sir, will you kindly fly without wings! I cheat you out of it, when you don’t own a thing, unless you’ve played the same game and cheated your wife out of something?
Dem.	Dem.
Qua me, qua uxorem, qua tu servom Sauream potes, circumduce, aufer; promitto tibi non offuturum, si id hodie effeceris.	Well, me, or my wife, or servant Saurea—do your best, swindle us, rook us, I promise you your interests won’t suffer, if you accomplish this to-day.
Lib.	Lib.
Iubeas una opera me piscari in aere, venari autem rete iaculo in medio mari.5 100	You might as well order me to go a-fishing in the air, yes, and to take my casting net and do some deep sea—hunting.
Dem.	Dem.
Tibi optionem sumito Leonidam, fabricare quidvis, quidvis comminiscere: perficito, argentum hodie ut habeat filius, amicae quod det.	Have Leonida for your adjutant: manufacture something, devise something—anything: see you get the money to-day for my son to give his girl.
Lib.	Lib.
Quid ais tu, Demaenete?	Look here.
Dem.	Dem.
Quid vis?	Well?
Lib.	Lib.
Si forte in insidias devenero, tun redimes me, si me hostes interceperint?	Suppose I happen to fall into an ambuscade, ransom me, will you, if I’m intercepted by the enemy?
Dem.	Dem.
Redimam.	I will.
Lib.	Lib.
Tum tu igitur aliud cura quid lubet. ego eo ad forum, nisi quid vis.	(after a pause, airily) Well then, in that case you may dismiss the matter from your mind. I’m off to the forum, unless you want me further.
Dem.	Dem.
Ei, bene ambula. atque audin etiam?	Go ahead! A pleasant stroll to you! (Libanus walks away) And I say,—listening still, are you?
Lib.	Lib.
Ecce.	(pertly, without turning) Behold me!
Dem.	Dem.
Si quid te volam, ubi eris?	If I want you for anything, where will you be?
Lib.	Lib.
110 Ubicumque libitum erit animo meo profecto nemo est quem iam dehinc metuam mihi ne quid nocere possit, cum tu mihi tua oratione omnem animum ostendisti tuom quin te quoque ipsum facio haud magni, si hoc patro. pergam quo occepi atque ibi consilia exordiar.	Precisely where it pleases my fancy. (half aside) I tell you what, from now on I won’t be scared of a man alive, for fear he can do me any harm, after your showing me all the secrets of your soul. Why, you won’t count for much with me your own self, either, if I carry this through. (setting off again) I’ll go along to where I was bound and lay my plans there.
Dem.	Dem.
Audin tu? apud Archibulum ego ero argentarium.	Look here! I shall be at banker Archibulus’s.
Lib.	Lib.
Nempe in foro?	In the forum, you mean?
Dem.	Dem.
Ibi, si quid opus fuerit.	Yes, there,—if anything’s needed.
Lib.	Lib.
Meminero.	(nonchalantly) I’ll keep it in mind. [exit Libanus to forum.
Dem.	Dem.
Non esse servos peior hoc quisquam potest nec magis versutus nec quo ab caveas aegrius 120 eidem homini, si quid recte curatum velis, mandes: moriri sese misere mavolet, quam non perfectum reddat quod promiserit.	A more rascally servant than this of mine can’t be found, or a wilier one, or one harder to guard against. But he’s just your man to commit a matter to, if you want it well managed: he’d prefer to expire in pain and torment rather than fail to fulfil his promise to the letter.
nam ego illud argentum tam paratum filio scio esse quam me hunc scipionem contui. sed quid ego cesso ire ad forum, quo inceperam? 6atque ibi manebo apud argentarium.	Why, I’m just as confident that that money is in store for my son as that I’ve got my eyes on this cane here. But I must be off to the forum, where I was going. Yes, and I’ll wait there at the banker’s. [exit Demaenetus.

I. 2.	Scene 2.
	enter Argyrippus precipitately from house of Cleareta.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Sicine hoc fit? foras aedibus me eici? promerenti optume hocin preti redditur? bene merenti mala es, male merenti bona es; 130 at malo cum tuo, nam iam ex hoc loco ibo ego ad tres viros vostraque ibi nomina faxo erunt, capitis te perdam ego et filiam, perlecebrae, permities, adulescentum exitium. nam mare haud est mare, vos mare acerrumum; nam in mari repperi, his elavi bonis.	(violently to those within) So that’s the way, is it? Thrown out of doors, am I? This is my reward for all the good turns I’ve done you, eh? Evil for good and good for evil is your system. But it will be evil for you! I’ll go direct from here to the police and leave your names with ’em. I’ll humble you and your daughter! You decoys, you destroyers, you wreckers of young fellows! Why, the sea’s no sea: you are—the wildest sea of all! Why at sea I made my money, here I am cleaned out of it.
ingrata atque inrita esse omnia intellego quae dedi et quod bene feci, at posthac tibi male quod potero facere faciam, meritoque id faciam tuo. ego pol te redigam eodem unde orta es, ad egestatis terminos, 140 ego edepol te faciam ut quae sis nunc et quae fueris scias.	All I’ve given you and all I’ve done for you gets no thanks, goes for nothing, I find: but after this all I can do against you I’ll do, and do it with good reason. By the Lord, I’ll put you down where you came from, the depths of destitution, I will. By heaven, I’ll make you appreciate what you are now and what you were.
quae prius quam istam adii atque amans ego animum meum isti dedi, sordido vitam oblectabas pane in pannis inopia, atque ea si erant, magnas habebas omnibus dis gratias; eadem nunc, cum est melius, me, cuius opera est, ignoras mala, reddam ego te ex fera fame mansuetem, me specta modo.	You, who before I courted that girl of yours and offered her my loving heart, used to regale yourself on coarse bread in rags and poverty: yes, and gave hearty thanks to Heaven, if you got your bread and rags. Yet here you are, now that you are better off, snubbing me that made you so, curse you! I’ll tame you down, you wild beast, by the famine treatment: trust me for that.
nam isti quid succenseam ipsi? nihil est, nihil quicquam meret; tuo facit iussu, tuo imperio paret: mater tu. eadem era es. te ego ulciscar, te ego ut digna es perdam atque ut de me meres, at scelesta viden ut ne id quidem, me dignum esse existumat 150 quem adeat, quem conloquatur quoique irato supplicet?	As for that girl of yours, why should I be angry with her? She’s done nothing, she’s not at all to blame. It is your dictates she follows, your orders she obeys: you’re mother and mistress both. You’re the one I’ll have revenge on; you’re the one I’ll ruin as you deserve, as your behaviour to me merits. (pauses and glares at house) But d’ye see how the wretch doesn’t even think it worth while to come to me, talk with me, go on her knees to me, when I’m in a rage?
atque eccam inlecebra exit tandem; opinor hic ante ostium meo modo loquar quae volam, quoniam intus non licitum est mihi.	(Cleareta’s door opens) Ah, there she is coming out at last, the decoy! I wager I’ll have my full say in my own fashion out in front of the door here, seeing I couldn’t do it inside.

I. 3.	Scene 3.
	enter Cleareta from house.
Cle.	Cle.
Unum quodque istorum verbum nummis Philippis aureis non potest auferre hinc a me si quis emptor venerit; nec recte quae tu in nos dicis, aurum atque argentum merumst: fixus hic apud nos est animus tuos clavo Cupidinis. remigio veloque quantum poteris festina et fuge: quam magis te in altum capessis, tam aestus te in portum refert.	(calmly and pleasantly) Not a single one of those words do I part with for golden sovereigns, not if some purchaser comes along: uncomplimentary remarks about us from you are good coin of the realm. Your heart is fastened to us here with one of Cupid’s spikes through it. Out with oar and up with sail, speed your fastest and scud away: the more you put out to sea, the more the tide brings you back to harbour.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Ego pol istum portitorem privabo portorio; 160 ego te dehinc ut merita es de me et mea re tractare exsequar, quom tu med ut meritus sum non tractas atque eicis domo.	(grimly) By the Lord, I’ll hold back that harbour master’s harbour dues; from this time forth you’ll get the treatment you merit of me and my exchequer, for this unmerited treatment of me, this turning me out of the house.
Cle.	Cle.
Magis istuc percipimus lingua dici, quam factis fore.	(lightly) Such things are easier said than done, I observe.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Solus solitudine ego ted atque ab egestate abstuli; solus si ductem, referre gratiam numquam potes.	I, and I alone, am the man that rescued you from loneliness and destitution; even if I should take the girl for myself alone, you’d still be in my debt.
Cle.	Cle.
Solus ductato, si semper solus quae poscam dabis; semper tibi promissum habeto hac lege, dum superes datis.	Take her for yourself alone, if you alone will always give me what I demand. You can always be sure of her—on condition your presents are the biggest.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Qui modus dandi? nam numquam tu quidem expleri potes; modo quom accepisti, haud multo post aliquid quod poscas paras.	And what end to the presents? Why, you can never be sated. Now you get something, and a minute later you’re devising some new demand.
Cle.	Cle.
Quid modist ductando, amando? numquamne expleri potes? 170 modo remisisti, continuo iam ut remittam ad te rogas.	And what end to the taking her, to the lovey-doveying? Can you never be sated? Now you have sent her back to me, and the next instant you’re crying for me to send her back to you.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Dedi equidem quod mecum egisti.	Well, I paid you what we agreed on.
Cle.	Cle.
Et tibi ego misi mulierem: par pari datum hostimentumst, opera pro pecunia.	And I let you have the girl: my policy has been fair give and take—services rendered for cash.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Male agis mecum.	You’re using me shamefully.
Cle.	Cle.
Quid me accusas, si facio officium meum? nam neque fictum usquamst neque pictum neque scriptum in poematis ubi lena bene agat cum quiquam amante, quae frugi esse volt.	Why find fault with me for doing my plain duty? Why, nowhere in stone, paint, or poem is a lady in my line portrayed as using any lover well—if she wants to get on.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Mihi quidem te parcere aequomst tandem, ut tibi durem diu.	(appealingly) You really ought to use me sparingly, though, so that I may last you a long time.
Cle.	Cle.
Non tu scis? quae amanti parcet, eadem sibi parcet parum. quasi piscis, itidemst amator lenae: nequam est, nisi recens; is habet sucum, is suavitatem, eum quo vis pacto condias 180 vel patinarium vel assum, verses quo pacto lubet: is dare volt, is se aliquid posci, nam ibi de pleno promitur;	(coolly) You miss the point? The lady that spares her lover spares herself too little. Lovers are the same as fish to us—no good unless they’re fresh. Your fresh ones are juicy and sweet; you can season them to taste in a stew, bake them, and turn them every way. Your fresh one wants to give you things, wants to be asked for something: in his case it all comes from a full cupboard, you see;
neque ille scit quid det, quid damni faciat: illi rei studet, volt placere sese amicae, volt mihi, volt pedisequae, volt famulis, volt etiam ancillis; et quoque catulo meo subblanditur novos amator, se ut quom videat gaudeat. vera dico: ad suom quemque hominem quaestum esse aequomst callidum.	and he has no idea what he’s giving, what it costs him. This is his only thought: he wants to please, please his girl, please me, please the waiting-woman, please the men servants, please the maid servants, too: yes, the new lover makes up to my little dog, even, so that he may be glad to see him. This is the plain truth: every one ought to keep a sharp eye for the main chance.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Perdidici istaec esse vera damno cum magno meo.	I have thoroughly learned the truth of that, and a pretty penny it’s cost me.
Cle.	Cle.
Si ecastor nunc habeas quod des, alia verba praehibeas; nunc quia nihil habes, maledictis te eam ductare postulas.	Tut, tut! If you had anything left to give us, your language would be different; now that you have nothing, you expect to get her by abuse.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Non meum est.	That’s not my way.
Cle.	Cle.
190 Nec meum quidem edepol, ad te ut mittam gratiis. verum aetatis atque honoris gratia hoc fiet tui, quia nobis lucro fuisti potius quam decori tibi: si mihi dantur duo talenta argenti numerata in manum, hanc tibi noctem honoris causa gratiis dono dabo.	Nor mine, sir, to let you have her gratis—mercy, no! But, considering your youth and our high regard for you, this shall be done, seeing you have been more of an income to us than a credit to yourself: just hand me over (casually) four hundred pounds in cash and you shall have this evening with her, in token of said high regard, as a free gift from me.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Quid si non est?	What if I haven’t it?
Cle.	Cle.
Tibi non esse credam, illa alio ibit tamen.	(smiling, but firm) I’ll give you credit—that you haven’t it: the girl shall go to some one else, however.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Ubi illaec quae dedi ante?	Where is what I gave you before?
Cle.	Cle.
Abusa. nam si ea durarent mihi, mulier mitteretur ad te, numquam quicquam poscerem. diem aquam solem lunam noctem, haec argento non emo: ceterum quae volumus uti Graeca mercamur fide.	Spent. Why, if it had lasted, you should have your lady, and not a thing would I be asking for. Daylight, water, sunlight, moonlight, darkness—for these things I have to pay no money: everything else we wish to use we purchase on Greek credit.
200 quom a pistore panem petimus, vinum ex oenopolio. si aes habent, dant mercem: eadem nos discipulina utimur. semper oculatae manus sunt nostrae, credunt quod vident. vetus est: “nihili coactiost”—scis cuius. non dico amplius.	When we go to the baker for bread, to the vintner for wine, their rule is commodities for cash: we use the same system ourselves. Our hands have eyes always: seeing is believing with them. As the old proverb has it: “There’s no getting”—you know what. I say no more.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Aliam nunc mi orationem despoliato praedicas, longe aliam, inquam, praebes nunc atque olim, quom dabam, aliam atque olim, quom inliciebas me ad te blande ac benedice. tum mi aedes quoque arridebant, cum ad te veniebam, tuae; me unice unum ex omnibus te atque illam amare aibas mihi;	It’s a different sort of eloquence you use on me now I’ve been fleeced, very different, I say, from that former sort when I was giving you things, different from that former sort when you were luring me on with your smooth, suave talk. Then your very house used to be wreathed in smiles, when I turned up. You used to say I was the one and only love in all the world for you and her.
ubi quid dederam, quasi columbae pulli in ore ambae meo 210 usque eratis, meo de studio studia erant vostra omnia, usque adhaerebatis: quod ego iusseram, quod volueram faciebatis, quod nolebam ac votueram, de industria fugiebatis, neque conari id facere audebatis prius. nunc neque quid velim neque nolim facitis magni, pessumae.	After I’d given you anything the both of you used to keep hanging on my lips like a pair of young doves. Whatever I fancied, you fancied, and nothing else. You used to keep clinging to me. I ordered a thing, wished a thing,—you used to do it: I disliked a thing, forbade a thing,—you used to take pains to avoid doing it: you didn’t dare attempt to do it then. Now you don’t care tuppence what I like, or don’t like, you vile wretches!
Cle.	Cle.
Non tu scis? hic noster quaestus aucupi simillimust. auceps quando concinnavit aream, offundit cibum; aves adsuescunt: necesse est facere sumptum qui quaerit lucrum; saepe edunt: semel si sunt captae, rem solvent aucupi. 219, 220 itidem his apud nos: aedes nobis area est, auceps sum ego, esca est meretrix, lectus inlex est, amatores aves;	(still cheerfully superior) You miss the point? This profession of ours is a great deal like bird-catching. The fowler, when he has his fowling-floor prepared, spreads food around; the birds become familiarized: you must spend money, if you wish to make money. They often get a meal: but once they get caught they recoup the fowler. It is quite the same with us here: our house is the floor, I am the fowler, the girl the bait, the couch the decoy, the lovers the birds.
bene salutando consuescunt, compellando blanditer, osculando, oratione vinnula, venustula. si papillam pertractavit, haud est ab re aucupis; savium si sumpsit, sumere eum licet sine retibus. haecine te esse oblitum, in ludo qui fuisti tam diu?	They become familiar through pleasant greetings, pretty speeches, kisses, cooey, captivating little whispers. If he cuddles her close in his arms, well, no harm to the fowler. If he takes a naughty kind of kiss, he can be taken himself, and no net needed. You to forget all this, and so long in the school, too?
Argyr.	Argyr.
Tua ista culpa est, quae discipulum semidoctum abs te amoves.	It’s your fault, if I have: you expelled your pupil when he was half taught.
Cle.	Cle.
Remeato audacter, mercedem si eris nactus; nunc abi.	Trot along back to us boldly, if you find the tuition fee: for the present run away. (turns to go in)
Argyr.	Argyr.
Mane, mane, audi. dic, quid me aequom censes pro illa tibi dare, annum hunc ne cum quiquam alio sit?	Wait, wait, listen! Tell me, what do you think I ought to give you to have her all to myself this next year?
Cle.	Cle.
230 Tene? viginti minas; atque ea lege: si alius ad me prius attulerit, tu vale.	(laughingly) What? You? (after a pause) Eighty pounds: yes, and on this condition—if some one else brings me the money before you do, good-bye to you. (again turning to go)
Argyr.	Argyr.
At ego est etiam prius quam abis quod volo loqui.	But there’s something more I want to say before you go.
Cle.	Cle.
Dic quod lubet.	Say on, anything.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Non omnino iam perii, est relicuom quo peream magis. habeo unde istuc tibi quod poscis dem; sed in leges meas dabo, uti scire possis, perpetuom annum hunc mihi uti serviat nec quemquam interea alium admittat prorsus quam me ad se virum.	I’m not entirely ruined yet: there is a balance left for further ruin. I can give you what you ask. But I’ll give it to you on my own terms, and here they are—she’s to be at my disposal this whole next year through, and all that time not a single man but me is to come near her.
Cle.	Cle.
Quin, si tu voles, domi servi qui sunt castrabo viros. postremo ut voles nos esse, syngraphum facito adferas; ut voles, ut tibi lubebit, nobis legem imponito: 240 modo tecum una argentum adferto, facile patiar cetera. portitorum simillumae sunt ianuae lenoniae: si adfers, tum patent, si non est quod des, aedes non patent.	(cheerfully ironical) Why, if you choose, I’ll change all the men servants in the house to maids. In short, bring along a contract stating how you wish us to behave. All you desire, all you like,—impose your own terms on us: only bring along the money, too; the rest is easy for me. Our doors are much like those of a custom house: pay your fee, and they are open: if you can’t, they are—(going into house and closing the door in his face with a provoking laugh) not open.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Interii, si non invenio ego illas viginti minas, et profecto, nisi illud perdo argentum, pereundum est mihi. nunc pergam ad forum atque experiar opibus, omni copia, supplicabo, exobsecrabo ut quemque amicum videro, dignos indignos adire atque experiri certumst mihi,7 nam si mutuas non potero, certumst sumam faenore.	(drearily) It’s all over with me, if I don’t get hold of that eighty pounds: yes, one thing is sure, that money goes to pot, or else my life must. (a pause, then with animation) I’ll off to the forum this moment and try to raise it by every means in my power: I’ll entreat, ex-supplicate every friend I see. Good and bad—I’ll up and try them all, I’m resolved on that: and if I can’t get it as a friendly loan, I’m resolved to borrow it at usury. [exit Argyrippus.

ACTVS II	ACT II
	(A couple of hours have elapsed.) enter Libanus with worried air.
Lib.	Lib.
Hercle vero, Libane, nunc te meliust expergiscier 250 atque argento comparando fingere fallaciam. iam diu est factum quom discesti ab ero atque abiisti ad forum,8 (251) (253) ibi tu ad hoc diei tempus dormitasti in otio.	By gad, Libanus, you’d certainly better rouse yourself now and contrive some trick for collecting that cash. It’s a long time since you left your master and hied yourself to the forum, to loaf and snooze away there till this time of day.
quin tu abs te socordiam omnem reice et segnitiem amove atque ad ingenium vetus versutum te recipis tuom serva erum, cave tu idem faxis alii quod servi solent, qui ad eri fraudationem callidum ingenium gerunt.	Come on, shake off all this dull sloth, away with sluggishness, yes, and get back that old gift of guile of yours! Save your master: mind you don’t do the same as other servants that use their wily wits to gull him.
unde sumam? quem intervortam? quo hanc celocem conferam? impetritum, inauguratumst quovis admittunt aves, 260 picus et cornix ab laeva, corvos parra ab dextera consuadent; certum herclest vostram consequi sententiam	(pause) Where shall I get it? Who shall I swindle? Where shall I steer this cutter? (looking upwards, then jubilantly) I’ve got my auspices, my auguries: the birds let me steer it where I please! Woodpecker and crow on the left, raven and barn owl on the right. “Go ahead,” they say! By Jove, I’ll follow your advice, I certainly will.
sed quid hoc, quod picus ulmum tundit? non temerariumst. certe hercle ego quantum ex augurio eius pici intellego, aut mihi in mundo sunt virgae aut atriensi Saureae sed quid illuc quod exanimatus currit huc Leonida? metuo quom illic obscaevavit meae falsae fallaciae.	(looking upward again) What’s this, though,—the woodpecker tapping an elm?C That’s not for nothing! Lord! So far as I understand the omen of this woodpecker, that certainly means there are rods in pickle for me, or for steward Saurea. (looking down street) But what’s wrong—Leonida running up here all out of breath? I’m afraid now that the bird there has predicted trouble for my artful arts.

II. 2.	Scene 2.
	enter Leonida in great excitement, without seeing Libanus.
Leon.	Leon.
Ubi ego nunc Libanum requiram aut familiarem filium, ut ego illos lubentiores faciam quam Lubentiast? maximam praedam et triumphum eis adfero adventu meo 270 quando mecum pariter potant, pariter scortari solent, hanc quidem, quam nactus, praedam pariter cum illis partiam.	Where shall I look for Libanus now, or young master, so that I can make them more delighted than Delight herself? Oh, the mighty prize and triumph my coming confers on ’em! Seeing they guzzle along with me, and chase the girls along with me, I’ll certainly go shares in this prize I’ve got along with them.
Lib.	Lib.
Illic homo aedis compilavit, more si fecit suo. vae illi, qui tam indiligenter observavit ianuam.	(aside) The fellow’s been robbing a house if he’s acted naturally. Lord help the poor devil that minded the door so carelessly!
Leon.	Leon.
Aetatem velim servire, Libanum ut conveniam modo.	I’d be willing to slave it all my life, only let me meet Libanus.
Lib.	Lib.
Mea quidem hercle opera liber numquam fies ocius.	(aside) By Jove, you’ll never be free a minute sooner for any help you get from me.
Leon.	Leon.
Etiam de tergo ducentas plagas praegnatis dabo.	I’ll even give two hundred swollen welts from off my back to see him.
Lib.	Lib.
Largitur peculium, omnem in tergo thensaurum gerit.	(aside) He’s generous with what he has: carries all his coffers on his back.
Leon.	Leon.
Nam si huic sese occasioni tempus supterduxerit, numquam edepol quadrigis albis indipiscet postea; 280 erum in obsidione linquet, inimicum animos auxerit. sed si mecum occasionem opprimere hanc, quae obvenit, studet, maximas opimitates, gaudio exfertissimas suis eris ille una mecum pariet, gnatoque et patri, adeo ut aetatem ambo ambobus nobis sint obnoxii, nostro devincti beneficio.	For if this chance is let slide, he’ll never catch it again, by Jove, not with a chariot and four, whiteD horses. He’ll be leaving his master under siege and increasing the courage of his enemies. But if he’s ready to take part with me and pounce on this opportunity that’s turned up, he’ll be my partner in hatching the biggest, joy-stuffedest jubilee that ever was for his masters, son and father both, yes, and put the pair of ’em under obligations to the pair of us for life, too, chained tight by our services.
Lib.	Lib.
Vinctos nescio quos ait; non placet: metuo, in commune ne quam fraudem frausus sit.	(aside) Chained, he says: some one or other chained! I don’t like it. I’m afraid he’s been trumping up some trumpery that’ll involve the both of us.
Leon.	Leon.
Perii ego oppido, nisi Libanum invenio iam, ubiubi est gentium.	(quivering with excitement) I’m absolutely done for, if I don’t find Libanus at once, wherever he is.
Lib.	Lib.
Illic homo socium ad malam rem quaerit quem adiungat sibi. non placet: pro monstro extemplo est, quando qui sudat tremit.	That chap’s after a mate to yoke with in a race for a thrashing. I don’t like it! it means something bad soon, when a man in a sweat shivers.
Leon.	Leon.
290 Sed quid ego his properans concesso pedibus. lingua largior? quin ego hanc iubeo tacere, quae loquens lacerat diem?	But why am I holding in my feet and letting out my tongue, and I in such a hurry? Why don’t I tell it to shut up, with its wagging the day to shreds?
Lib.	Lib.
Edepol hominem infelicem, qui patronam conprimat. nam si quid sceleste fecit, lingua pro illo perierat.	(aside) Good Lord! Poor devil—choking off his patroness! Why, once he’s been up to some rascality, it’s that same tongue perjures herself for him.
Leon.	Leon.
Adproperabo, ne post tempus praedae praesidium parem.	I’ll cut along, so as not to procure protection for the prize when it’s too late. (moves away)
Lib.	Lib.
Quae illaec praeda est? ibo advorsum atque electabo, quidquid est. iubeo te salvere voce summa, quo ad vires valent.	What’s that prize? I’ll up and worm it out of him, whatever it is. (aloud) Good day to you—(raising his voice, Leonida having paid no attention) as loud a one as my lungs allow!
Leon.	Leon.
Gymnasium flagri, salveto.	Ah there, (turning and stopping) you whip developer!
Lib.	Lib.
Quid agis, custos carceris?	How goes it, gaol guard?
Leon.	Leon.
O catenarum colone.	Oh you fetter farmer.
Lib.	Lib.
O virgarum lascivia.	Oh you rod tickler!
Leon.	Leon.
Quot pondo ted esse censes nudum?	How much do you think you weigh, stripped?
Lib.	Lib.
Non edepol scio.	Lord! I don’t know.
Leon.	Leon.
300 Scibam ego te nescire, at pol ego, qui ted expendi, scio: nudus vinctus centum pondo es, quando pendes per pedes.	I knew you didn’t know: but by the Lord, I know for I’ve weighed you. Stripped and tied you weigh a hundred pounds—when you’re hanging by your heels.
Lib.	Lib.
Quo argumento istuc?	What’s your proof of that?
Leon.	Leon.
Ego dicam, quo argumento et quo modo. ad pedes quando adligatumst aequom centumpondium, ubi manus manicae complexae sunt atque adductae ad trabem, nec dependes nec propendes—quin malus nequamque sis.	I’ll tell you my proof and my method. When a fair hundred-weight is fastened to your feet, with the handcuffs hugging your hands lashed to a beam, you’re not a bit under or over the weight of—a good-for-nothing rascal.
Lib.	Lib.
Vae tibi.	You be damned!
Leon.	Leon.
Hoc testamento Servitus legat tibi.	Precisely what you are down for yourself in Slavery’s will.
Lib.	Lib.
Verbivelitationem fieri compendi volo. quid istud est negoti?	Let’s cut short this war of words. What’s that business of yours?
Leon.	Leon.
Certum est credere,	I’ve determined to trust you.
Lib.	Lib.
Audacter licet.	You can—boldly.
Leon.	Leon.
Sis amanti subvenire familiari filio, 310 tantum adest boni inproviso, verum commixtum malo: omnes de nobis carnificum concelebrabuntur dies. Libane, nunc audacia usust nobis inventa et dolis. tantum facinus modo inveni ego, ut nos dicamur duo omnium dignissumi esse, quo cruciatus confluant,	If you’ve got a mind to help the young master in his love affair, there’s such an unexpected supply of good luck come to hand—mixed with bad, though—that the public torturers will have a regular festival at our expense every day. Libanus, now we need grit and guile. I’ve just now come upon such a deed for us to do, that we two will be called the worthiest men alive—to be where the torture’s thickest.
Lib.	Lib.
Ergo mirabar quod dudum scapulae gestibant mihi, hariolari quae occeperunt, sibi esse in mundo malum. quidquid est, eloquere.	(dryly) Aha! I was wondering what made my shoulders tingle a while ago: they began prognosticating trouble was in pickle for ’em. Whatever it is, out with it!
Leon.	Leon.
Magna est praeda cum magno malo.	It’s a big prize and a big risk.
Lib.	Lib.
Si quidem omnes coniurati cruciamenta conferant, habeo opinor familiare tergum, ne quaeram foris.	No matter if they all combine to pile the torments on, I fancy I’ve got a back of my own, without having to look for one outside.
Leon.	Leon.
320 Si istam firmitudinem animi optines, salvi sumus.	That’s the spirit, hold to it and we’re safe.
Lib.	Lib.
Quin si tergo res solvenda est, rapere cupio publicum: pernegabo atque obdurabo, periurabo denique.	Pooh! if it’s my back that is to pay the score, I’m ripe for sacking the Treasury: then I’ll say up and down I didn’t, stick to it I didn’t, yes, yes, take my solemn oath I didn’t.
Leon.	Leon.
Em ista virtus est, quando usust qui malum fert fortiter; fortiter malum qui patitur, idem post potitur bonum.	There! That’s courage—to take hard knocks like a man when occasion calls. The chap that endures hard knocks like a man enjoys a soft time later on.
Lib.	Lib.
Quin rem actutum edisseris? cupio malum nanciscier.	Why don’t you hurry up and unfold your tale? I long for some hard knocks.
Leon.	Leon.
Placide ergo unum quidquid rogita, ut adquiescam. non vides me ex cursura anhelitum etiam ducere?	Easy then with each question, so that I can get a rest. Don’t you see I’m still puffing after that run of mine?
Lib.	Lib.
Age, age, mansero tuo arbitratu, vel adeo usque dum peris.	All right, all right, I’ll wait till you’re ready, yes, ready to expire, for that matter.
Leon.	Leon.
Ubinam est erus?	(after a pause) Where the deuce is master?
Lib.	Lib.
Maior apud forumst, minor hic est intus.	Old one’s at the forum, young one’s inside here. (pointing to Clearetas house)
Leon.	Leon.
Iam satis est mihi.	That’ll do! I’m satisfied.
Lib.	Lib.
Tum igitur tu dives es factus?	Satisfied? So you’re a millionaire already, are you?
Leon.	Leon.
330 Mitte ridicularia.	Don’t try to be funny.
Lib.	Lib.
Mitto.9 istuc quod adfers aures exspectant meae.	I won’t. (grandly) My ears await your tidings.
Leon.	Leon.
Animum adverte, ut aeque mecum haec scias.	Listen here, and you’ll know about things as well as I do.
Lib.	Lib.
Taceo.	I’m dumb.
Leon.	Leon.
Beas. meministin asinos Arcadicos mercatori Pellaeo nostrum vendere atriensem?	(ironically) Oh, bliss! Do you remember those Arcadian asses our steward sold to the merchant from Pella?
Lib.	Lib.
Memini. quid tum postea?	I do. Well, what next?
Leon.	Leon.
Em ergo is argentum huc remisit, quod daretur Saureae pro asinis. adulescens venit modo, qui id argentum attulit.	Now then! He’s sent the money for ’em, to be paid to Saurea. A young chap’s just arrived with it.
Lib.	Lib.
Ubi is homost?	(with a start) Where is he?
Leon.	Leon.
Iam devorandum censes, si conspexeris?	Think he ought to be swallowed down the minute you spy him, eh?
Lib.	Lib.
Ita enim vero. sed tamen, tu nempe eos asinos praedicas 340 vetulos, claudos, quibus subtritae ad femina iam erant ungulae?	Aye, that I do! But let me see, of course you mean those poor old lame asses with their hoofs worn away up to their hocks?
Leon.	Leon.
Ipsos, qui tibi subvectabant rure hue virgas ulmeas.	Precisely! the ones that used to come down from the farm with loads of elm rods for you.
Lib.	Lib.
Teneo, atque idem te hinc vexerunt vinctum rus.	I have you: yes, the same ones that carried you off to the farm in fetters.
Lib.	Lib.
Memor es probe, verum in tonstrina ut sedebam, me infit percontarier, ecquem filium Stratonis noverim Demaenetum. dico me novisse extemplo et me eius servom praedico esse, et aedis demonstravi nostras.	Remarkable memory, yours! However, when I was in the barber’s chair he speaks up and asks me if I know a Demaenetus, the son of Strato. I say yes at once, and declare that I’m his servant, and I told him where our house was.
Lib.	Lib.
Quid tum postea?	Well, what next?
Leon.	Leon.
Ait se ob asinos ferre argentum atriensi Saureae, viginti minas, sed eum sese non nosse hominem qui siet, ipsum vero se novisse callide Demaenetum. quoniam ille elocutus haec sic—	He says he’s bringing money for the asses to steward Saurea, eighty pounds; but that he doesn’t know the man at all: says he knows Demaenetus himself well, though. After he had given me an account of things this way—
Lib.	Lib.
Quid tum?	What next?
Leon.	Leon.
350 Ausculta ergo, scies. extemplo facio facetum me atque magnificum virum, dico med esse atriensem. sic hoc respondit mihi: “ego pol Sauream non novi neque qua facie sit scio. te non aequomst suscensere. si erum vis Demaenetum, quem ego novi, adduce: argentum non morabor quin feras.”	Well, listen and you’ll find out. Instantly I pose as a fine, superior sort of creature and tell him I am the steward. Here’s the way he answered me: “Well, well,” says he, “I am not acquainted with Saurea personally and I don’t know what he looks like. You have no reason to take offence. Bring along your master Demaenetus whom I do know, if you please: I’ll let you have the money without delay.”
ego me dixi erum adducturum et me domi praesto fore; ille in balineas iturust, inde huc veniet postea. quid nunc consili captandum censes? dic.	I told him I would bring my master and be at home waiting for him. He’s going to the baths: then he’ll be here later. What do you propose now for a plan of campaign? Tell me.
Lib.	Lib.
Em istuc ago, quo modo argento intervortam et adventorem et Sauream. iam hoc opus est exasciato10; nam si ille argentum prius 360 hospes huc affert, continuo nos ambo exclusi sumus. nam me hodie senex seduxit solum sorsum ab aedibus, mihi tibique interminatust nos futuros ulmeos, ni hodie Argyrippo essent viginti argenti minae;	(thinking) That’s the point! Just what I’m casting about for—some way to relieve newcomer and Saurea of the cash. We must have our scheme roughed out at once; for let that stranger fetch his money before we’re ready and the next minute we’re both shut out of it. You see, the old man took me aside out of the house to-day all by myself: swore he’d made the pair of us perfectly elmy, if eighty pounds was not forthcoming for Argyrippus this very day.
iussit vel nos atriensem vel nos uxorem suam defraudare, dixit sese operam promiscam dare. nunc tu abi ad forum ad erum et narra haec ut nos acturi sumus: te ex Leonida futurum esse atriensem Sauream, dum argentum afferat mercator pro asinis.	He gave us orders to do the steward out of it, or else his wife: said he’d stand by us whichever it was. Now you be off to the forum to master and tell him what our game will be: that you are going to change from Leonida to steward Saurea when the trader brings the money for the asses.
Leon.	Leon.
Faciam ut iubes.	I’ll do as you say. (moves off)
Lib.	Lib.
370 Ego illum interea hic oblectabo, prius si forte advenerit.	I’ll entertain him here myself meanwhile, if he happens to come before you do.
Leon.	Leon.
Quid ais?	(halting) I say.
Lib.	Lib.
Quid vis?	What do you want?
Leon.	Leon.
Pugno malam si tibi percussero, mox cum Sauream imitabor, caveto ne suscenseas.	(gravely) In case I punch your jaw for you later on when I’m imitating Saurea, take care you don’t get angry.
Lib.	Lib.
Hercle vero tu cavebis ne me attingas, si sapis, ne hodie malo cum auspicio nomen commutaveris.	By gad, you’d just better take care yourself not to touch me, if you know what’s what, or you’ll find you’ve picked an unlucky day for changing your name.
Leon.	Leon.
Quaeso, aequo animo patitor.	Come, come, put up with it patiently.
Lib.	Lib.
Patitor tu item, cum ego te referiam.	Yes, and you put up with it when I hit you back.
Leon.	Leon.
Dico ut usust fieri.	I’m telling how it’s got to be done.
Lib.	Lib.
Dico hercle ego quoque ut facturus sum.	And by the Lord, I’m telling how I’m going to do it.
Leon.	Leon.
Ne nega.	Don’t refuse.
Lib.	Lib.
Quin promitto, inquam, hostire contra ut merueris.	Oh, I agree, I agree—to pay you back all you earn.
Leon.	Leon.
Ego abeo, tu iam, scio, patiere. sed quis hic est? is est, ille est ipsus. iam ego recurro huc. tu hunc interea his tene. volo seni narrare.	(turning to go) I’m off: you’ll put up with it now, I know you will. (looking down street) Hullo! Who’s this! It’s he, the very man! I’ll hurry back here soon! You keep him here while I’m gone. I must tell the old man. (stops to look again)
Lib.	Lib.
380 Quin tuom officium facis ergo ac fugis?	(sneeringly) Why don’t you play your part then, and—run away? [exit Leonida.

II. 3.	Scene 3.
	enter Trader, with servant.
Merc.	Trader
Ut demonstratae sunt mihi, hasce aedis esse oportet, Demaenetus ubi dicitur habitare. i, puere, pulta atque atriensem Sauream, si est intus, evocato huc.	(looking at house of Demaenetus) According to directions, this must be the house where they say Demaenetus lives. (to servant) Go knock, my lad, and if steward Saurea is in there, call him out. (servant goes toward house)
Lib.	Lib.
Quis nostras sic frangit fores? ohe, inquam, si quid audis.	(stepping forward) Who’s that battering our door so? Whoa there, I say—if you’re not deaf!
Merc.	Trader
Nemo etiam tetigit. sanun es?	No one has touched it yet. Are you in your senses?
Lib.	Lib.
At censebam attigisse propterea, huc quia habebas iter. nolo ego fores conservas meas a te verberarier. sane ego sum amicus nostris.	Well, I was thinking you had touched it, seeing you were making this way. I don’t want you to beat that door—it’s a fellow servant of mine. I tell you what, I love my fellow servants.
Merc.	Trader
Pol haud periclum est, cardines ne foribus effringantur, si istoc exemplo omnibus qui quaerunt respondebis.	Gad! No danger of the door being battered off its hinges, if you answer all callers in that style.
Lib.	Lib.
390 Ita haec morata est ianua: extemplo ianitorem clamat, procul si quem videt ire ad se calcitronem. sed quid venis? quid quaeritas?	Here’s the way this door has been trained: once it sights some bully in the distance coming towards it, it bawls for the porter directly. But what’s your business? What are you after?
Merc.	Trader
Demaenetum volebam.	I wished to see Demaenetus.
Lib.	Lib.
Si sit domi, dicam tibi.	If he was at home, I’d tell you.
Merc.	Trader
Quid eius atriensis?	What about his steward?
Lib.	Lib.
Nihilo mage intus est.	No, he’s not in, either.
Merc.	Trader
Ubi est?	Where is he?
Lib.	Lib.
Ad tonsorem ire dixit.	Said he was going to the barber’s.
Merc.	Trader
Conveni. sed post non redit?	I met him. But he has not been back since?
Lib.	Lib.
Non edepol. quid volebas?	Lord, no! What did you want?
Merc.	Trader
Argenti viginti minas, si adesset, accepisset.	He would have got eighty pounds, if he was here.
Lib.	Lib.
Qui pro istuc?	What for?
Merc.	Trader
Asinos vendidit Pellaeo mercatori mercatu.	He sold some asses at the market to a trader from Pella.
Lib.	Lib.
Scio. tu id nunc refers? iam hic credo eum adfuturum.	I know. Bringing the cash now, are you? He’ll be here soon, I, fancy.
Merc.	Trader
Qua facie voster Saurea est? si is est, iam scire potero.	What does your Saurea look like? (aside) Now I can find out if that fellow is my man.
Lib.	Lib.
Macilentis malis, rufulus aliquantum, ventriosus, 400 truculentis oculis, commoda statura, tristi fronte.	(reflectively) Lantern-jawed— reddish hair— pot-bellied— savage eyes— average height— and a scowl.
Merc.	Trader
Non potuit pictor rectius describere eius formam.	(aside) No painter could give me a more living likeness of that fellow.
Lib.	Lib.
Atque hercle ipsum adeo contuor, quassanti capite incedit. quisque obviam huic occesserit irato, vapulabit.	(looking down street) Yes, and what’s more, he’s in sight himself, by gad,—swaggering along and shaking his head! Anyone that crosses his path when he’s angry gets thrashed.
Merc.	Trader
Siquidem hercle Aeacidinis minis animisque expletus incedit, si med iratus tetigerit, iratus vapulabit.	Good Lord! No matter if he swaggers along as full of fire and fury as Achilles—if your angry man lays a hand on me, it’s your angry man gets thrashed.

II. 4.	Scene 4.
enter Leonida, apparently in a rage.
Leon.	Leon.
Quid hoc sit negoti, neminem meum dictum magni facere? Libanum in tonstrinam ut iusseram venire, is nullus venit. ne ille edepol tergo et cruribus consuluit haud decore.	What does this mean? Does no one mind what I say? I told Libanus to come to the barber’s shop, and he never came at all. By the Lord, he hasn’t given due thought to the welfare of his hide and shanks, that’s a fact!
Merc.	Trader
Nimis imperiosust.	(aside) A precious domineering chap!
Lib.	Lib.
Vae mihi.	(affecting terror) Oh, I’m in for it!
Leon.	Leon.
410 Hodie salvere iussi Libanum libertum? iam manu emissu’s?	(to Libanus ironically) Ah, greetings to Libanus the freedman, is it, to-day? Have you been manumitted now? (advancing)
Lib.	Lib.
Obsecro te.	(cowering) Please, please, sir!
Leon.	Leon.
Ne tu hercle cum magno malo mihi obviam occessisti. cur non venisti, ut iusseram, in tonstrinam?	By heaven, I’ll certainly give you good reason to regret crossing my path. Why didn’t you come to the barber’s, as I ordered?
Lib.	Lib.
Hic me moratust.	(pointing to trader) This gentleman delayed me.
Leon.	Leon.
Siquidem hercle nunc summum Iovem te dicas detinuisse atque is precator adsiet, malam rem effugies numquam. tu, verbero, imperium meum contempsisti?	(without looking at trader) Damme! You can go on and say Jove Almighty detained you, yes, and he can come here and plead your case, but you shall never escape a flogging. You scorned my authority, you whipping post?
Lib.	Lib.
Perii, hospes.	(running behind trader) Oh kind stranger, I’m a dead man!
Merc.	Trader
Quaeso hercle noli, Saurea, mea causa hunc verberare.	By Jove, Saurea! Now, now, don’t flog him, for my sake!
Leon.	Leon.
Utinam nunc stimulus in manu mihi sit.	(paying no attention) Oh, if I could only get hold of an ox goad now!
Merc.	Trader
Quiesce quaeso.	Now, now, calm down.
Leon.	Leon.
Qui latera conteram tua, quae occalluere plagis. 420 abscede ac sine me hunc perdere, qui semper me ira incendit, cui numquam unam rem me licet semel praecipere furi, quin centiens eadem imperem atque ogganniam, itaque iam hercle	So as to stave in those ribs of yours that have grown callous to blows! (to trader) Out of my way, and let me murder the rascal that always sets me afire with rage, that never lets one order from me suffice for one job, the criminal, but keeps me commanding and growling the same thing a hundred times over. Good Lord, it’s come to the point where I can’t stand the work, what with yelling and storming at him!
clamore ac stomacho non queo labori suppeditare. iussin, sceleste, ab ianua hoc stercus hinc auferri? iussin columnis deici operas araneorum? iussin in splendorem dari bullas has foribus nostris?	Didn’t I tell you to carry off this dung from the doorway, you villain? Didn’t I tell you to clean the spiders’ webs off the columns? Didn’t I tell you to rub these door knobs till they shone?
nihil est: tamquam si claudus sim, cum fustist ambulandum. quia triduom hoc unum modo foro operam adsiduam dedo, dum reperiam qui quaeritet argentum in faenus, hic vos 430 dormitis interea domi, atque erus in hara, haud aedibus habitat, em ergo hoc tibi.	It’s no good: anyone would think I was lame, the way I have to travel around after you with a cane. Because I’ve been constantly busy at the forum just for the last three days, trying to find some one to place a loan with, here you’ve been drowsing all the time at home, and your master living in a pig-pen, not a house. There now, take that! (strikes him)
Lib.	Lib.
Hospes, te obsecro, defende.	Kind stranger! For heaven’s sake protect me!
Merc.	Trader
Saurea, oro, mea causa ut mittas.	Come, Saurea, do let him off for my sake.
Leon.	Leon.
Eho, ecquis pro vectura olivi rem solvit?	(to Libanus) Hey, you! Did anyone pay for the shipping of that oil?
Lib.	Lib.
Solvit.	Yes, sir.
Leon.	Leon.
Cui datumst?	Who to?
Lib.	Lib.
Sticho vicario ipsi tuo.	To Stichus himself, sir, your own deputy.
Leon.	Leon.
Vah, delenire apparas, scio mihi vicarium esse, neque eo esse servom in aedibus eri qui sit pluris quam illest. sed vina quae heri vendidi vinario Exaerambo, iam pro eis satis fecit Sticho?	Hm-m! trying to smooth me down! To be sure I have a deputy, and there’s not a slave in the master’s house that is a more valuable man than that deputy, either. But how about the wine I sold to Exaerambus the vintner yesterday—has he settled with Stichus for it yet?
Lib.	Lib.
Fecisse satis opinor, nam vidi huc ipsum adducere trapezitam Exaerambum.	I reckon he has, sir: for I saw Exaerambus bringing the banker here himself.
Leon.	Leon.
Sic dedero. prius quae credidi vix anno post exegi; nunc satagit: adducit domum etiam ultro et scribit nummos. 440 Dromo mercedem rettulit?	That’s the style for me! Last time I trusted him I barely got the money out of him a year afterwards. Now he pays his bills: even brings his banker over to the house besides, and writes his cheque. Has Dromo brought home his wages?
Lib.	Lib.
Dimidio minus opinor.	Only half, I think.
Leon.	Leon.
Quid relicuom?	And the rest?
Lib.	Lib.
Aibat reddere quom extemplo redditum esset; nam retineri, ut quod sit sibi operis locatum efficeret.	He said he’d give it to you as soon as it was given to him; claimed it was kept back so that he’d finish up a job that was placed with him.
Leon.	Leon.
Scyphos quos utendos dedi Philodamo, rettulitne?	Those cups that I lent Philodamus—has he returned ’em?
Lib.	Lib.
Non etiam.	Not yet.
Leon.	Leon.
Hem non? si velis, da,11 commoda homini amico.	Hey? No? (sourly) Give things away, if you like,—give ’em to a friend on loan.
Merc.	Trader
Perii hercle, iam his me abegerit suo odio.	(half aside, wearily) Oh, the devil! The fellow will be driving me off before long with his confounded talk.
Lib.	Lib.
Heus iam satis tu. audin quae loquitur?	(aside to Leonida) Hi, you! That’s enough now! D’ye hear what he says?
Leon.	Leon.
Audio et quiesco.	(aside to Libanus) I hear; I’ll calm down.
Merc.	Trader
Tandem, opinor, conticuit. nunc adeam optimum est, prius quam incipit tinnire. quam mox mi operam das?	(aside) Silent at last, I do believe. Best approach him now before he begins to rattle on again. (aloud to Leonida) How soon can you give me your attention?
Leon.	Leon.
Ehem, optume. quam dudum tu advenisti? 450 non hercle te provideram—quaeso ne vitio vortas— ita iracundia obstitit oculis.	(looking at him and affecting surprise) Aha! Splendid! How long have you been here? Well, well, I hadn’t noticed you before! I trust you won’t feel offended. I was so angry that it affected my eyesight.
Merc.	Trader
Non mirum factum est. sed si domi est, Demaenetum volebam.	Nothing strange in that. But I wished to see Demaenetus, if he is at home.
Leon.	Leon.
Negat esse intus. verum istuc argentum tamen mihi si vis denumerare, repromittam istoc nomine solutam rem futuram.	He (indicating Libanus) says he’s not in. But as to that money, though,—count it out to me, if you like, and then I’ll engage that your account with us is settled.
Merc.	Trader
Sic potius, ut Demaeneto tibi ero praesente reddam.	I should prefer to make the payment in the presence of your master Demaenetus.
Lib.	Lib.
Erus istunc novit atque erum hic.	(protestingly) Oh, master knows him and he knows master.
Merc.	Trader
Ero huic praesente reddam.	(firmly) I shall pay him in his master’s presence.
Lib.	Lib.
Da modo meo periculo, rem salvam ego exhibebo; nam si sciat noster senex fidem non esse huic habitam, suscenseat, quoi omnium rerum ipsus semper credit.	Oh now, give it to him, at my risk: I’ll make it all right. Why, if our old man knew Saurea here was doubted, he’d be furious: he always trusts him with everything himself.
Leon.	Leon.
460 Non magni pendo. ne duit, si non volt, sic sine astet.	(very superior) It’s of no importance. He can keep it, if he wants. Let him stand by with it there.
Lib.	Lib.
Da, inquam. vah, formido miser, ne hic me tibi arbitretur suasisse, sibi ne crederes. da, quaeso, ac ne formida: salvom hercle erit.	(aside to trader) I say, do give it to him. Oh dear, this is awful! I’m afraid he’ll think I persuaded you not to trust him. Give it to him, for mercy’s sake, and don’t be afraid. Good Lord, it’ll be all right!
Merc.	Trader
Credam fore, dum quidem ipse in manu habebo. peregrinus ego sum, Sauream non novi.	I trust it will be, so long as I keep hold of it myself, anyway. I am a stranger here: I don’t know Saurea.
Lib.	Lib.
At nosce sane.	(pointing to Leonida) Well, just make his acquaintance, then.
Merc.	Trader
Sit, non sit, non edepol scio. si is est, eum esse oportet. ego certe me incerto scio hoc daturum nemini homini.	Whether he is the man or not, I don’t know, by gad. If he is, he is, of course. I certainly do know that when I am uncertain I give this (showing a wallet) to nobody on earth.
Leon.	Leon.
Hercle istum di omnes perduint. verbo cave supplicassis. ferox est viginti minas meas tractare sese. nemo accipit aufer te domum, abscede hinc, molestus ne sis.	Be damned to the fellow! (to Libanus) Not a word of entreaty, you! He’s puffed up at having the handling of my eighty pounds. (to trader) No one will take it! Home with you! Away with you! Don’t bother me!
Merc.	Trader
470 Nimis iracunde. non decet superbum esse hominem servom.	(scoffingly) Quite in a pet! The idea of a mere slave being arrogant!
Leon.	Leon.
Malo hercle iam magno tuo, ni isti nec recte dicis.	(to Libanus) By heaven, you’ll soon pay dear for it, if you don’t abuse him!
Lib.	Lib.
Impure, nihili. non vides irasci?	(loudly to trader) You dirty thing, you, you good for nothing! (in lower tone) Don’t you see he’s angry?
Leon.	Leon.
Perge porro.	(to Libanus) Go on, get at him!
Lib.	Lib.
Flagitum hominis. da, obsecro, argentum huic, ne male loquatur.	(loudly) You scandal of a man! (in lower tone) Do give him the money, for heaven’s sake, so that he won’t call you bad names.
Merc.	Trader
Malum hercle vobis quaeritis.	Gad! It’s a bad time you two are looking for.
Leon.	Leon.
Crura hercle diffringentur, ni istum impudicum percies.	(to Libanus) By the Lord, your legs shall be broken to splinters, if you don’t give that shameless rascal a blowing up.
Lib.	Lib.
Perii hercle. age impudice, sceleste, non audes mihi scelesto subvenire?	(to trader in low tone) Oh Lord! I’m in for it! (loudly) Come, you shameless rascal, you wretch, won’t you help me, poor wretch that I am?
Leon.	Leon.
Pergin precari pessimo?	(to Libanus) Continuing to coax that criminal, are you?
Merc.	Trader
Quae res? tun libero homini male servos loquere?	(getting indignant) How is this? You dare to abuse a free man, you, you slave?
Leon.	Leon.
Vapula.	You be thrashed!
Merc.	Trader
Id quidem tibi hercle fiet, ut vapules, Demaenetum simulae conspexero hodie.12 479	Be thrashed? Precisely what will be done to you, by gad, the moment I set eyes on Demaenetus to-day!
Leon.	Leon.
484-485 Quid, verbero? ain tu, furcifer? erum nos fugitare censes? ei nunciam ad erum, quo vocas, iam dudum quo volebas.	What, you whipping post? So, you gallows-bird? D’ye think we skulk from our master? On with you straight to the master you summon us to, the master you’ve wanted to see this long time past. (goes toward forum)
Merc.	Trader
Nunc demum? tamen numquam hinc feres argenti nummum, nisi me dare iusserit Demaenetus.	At last, eh? But never a penny do you get from me, unless I am instructed to give it to you by Demaenetus.
Leon.	Leon.
Ita facito, age ambula ergo. tu contumeliam alteri facias, tibi non dicatur? tam ego homo sum quam tu.	All right, all right! Come, step along, then! Do you want to insult another man and not get it back? I’m as much of a man as you are!
Merc.	Trader
Scilicet. ita res est.	No doubt. Quite so.
Leon.	Leon.
490 Sequere hac ergo praefiscini hoc nunc dixerim: nemo etiam me accusavit merito meo, neque me alter est Athenis hodie quisquam, cui credi recte aeque putent.	Come along this way, then. (stops) If I may say so without presumption, let me tell you this now: no one has ever yet accused me justly, and there’s not a single other man in all Athens that people think worthy of such confidence as me, either.
Merc.	Trader
Fortassis. sed tamen me numquam hodie induces, ut tibi credam hoc argentum ignoto. lupus est homo homini, non homo, quom qualis sit non novit.	I dare say. But notwithstanding, never will you induce me to-day to trust this money to you, a stranger, (somewhat apologetically) “Man is no man, but a wolf, to a stranger.”
Leon.	Leon.
Iam nunc secunda mihi facis. scibam huic te capitulo hodie. facturum satis pro iniuria; quamquam ego sum sordidatus, frugi tamen sum, nec potest peculium enumerari.	(encouraged) Now there, that’s decent of you! I knew you’d soon be making amends to a good fellow for doing him an injustice. No matter if I do look shabby, I’m an honest man just the same, and as for the cash I’ve laid by—it can’t be counted.
Merc.	Trader
Fortasse.	(sceptically) I dare say.
Leon.	Leon.
Etiam13 Periphanes Rhodo mercator dives 500 absente ero solus mihi talentum argenti soli adnumeravit et mihi credidit, nequest deceptus in eo.	Even Periphanes, the rich trader from Rhodes, counted out two hundred pounds to me when master was away and we were all by ourselves,—he trusted me, and he wasn’t deceived in doing so, either.
Merc.	Trader
Fortasse.	I dare say.
Leon.	Leon.
Atque etiam tu quoque ipse. si esses percontatus me ex aliis, scio pol crederes nunc quod fers.	Yes, and even you yourself, too, if you had only inquired from others about me, I know you would trust me with what you’ve got there, good Lord, yes!
Merc.	Trader
Haud negassim.	(icily) I should be sorry to deny it. (motions Leonida to lead the way to Demaenetus) [exeunt the three to the forum, Leonida ireful.

ACTVS III	ACT III
	(Half an hour has elapsed.) enter Cleareta and Philaenium from their house.
Cle.	Cle.
Nequeon ego ted interdictis facere mansuetem meis? an ita tu es animata, ut qui matris expers imperio sies?	Have I no power to make you submit when I prohibit a thing? Can it be that you feel inclined to rid yourself of your mother’s authority?
Phil.	Phil.
Ubi piem Pietatem, si istoc more moratam tibi postulem placere, mater, mihi quo pacto praecipis?14 (507)	How should I be showing myself duteous to Filial Duty, mother, if I tried to please you by practising such practices and doing as you prescribe?
Cle.	Cle.
(509) Hocine est pietatem colere. matris imperium minuere?	Is this regarding filial duty, to lessen a mother’s authority?
Phil.	Phil.
510 Neque quae recte faciunt culpo neque quae delinquont amo.	I don’t find fault with mothers that do right, and I don’t like ones that do wrong.
Cle.	Cle.
Satis dicacula es amatrix.	A glib enough little hussy!
Phil.	Phil.
Mater, is quaestus mihi est: lingua poscit, corpus quaerit; animus orat, res monet.	(lightly) All in my profession, mother: tongue asks, body teases; fancy prompts, circumstances suggest.
Cle.	Cle.
Ego te volui castigare, tu mi accusatrix ades.	I intended to scold you, and here you are turning on me!
Phil.	Phil.
Neque edepol te accuso neque id me facere fas existimo. verum ego meas queror fortunas, cum illo quem amo prohibeor.	Oh, no! I’m not turning on you: I don’t think that would be right. But I do think it’s a cruel fate to be kept away from the man I love.
Cle.	Cle.
Ecqua pars orationis de die dabitur mihi?	Am I to get some share of the speechmaking before nightfall?
Phil.	Phil.
Et meam partem loquendi et tuam trado tibi; ad loquendum atque ad tacendum tute habeas portisculum. quin pol si reposivi remum, sola ego in casteria 520 ubi quiesco, omnis familiae causa consistit tibi.	I give you my share and your own, too: you can be boatswain yourself and give the signal for talking and keeping still. But goodness me, if I once lay down the oar, I, and stay by myself resting in the rowers’ room, the progress of this whole household stops short, you see.
Cle.	Cle.
Quid ais tu, quam ego unam vidi mulierem audacissimam? quotiens te votui Argyrippum filium Demaeneti compellare aut contrectare, conloquive aut contui? quid dedit? quid ad nos iussit deportari? an tu tibi verba blanda esse aurum rere, dicta docta pro datis? ultro amas, ultro expetessis, ultro ad te accersi iubes illos qui dant, eos derides; qui deludunt, deperis.	Look here! Of all the impudent young misses I have ever seen! How many times have I forbidden you to have communication or contact or chitchat with Demaenetus’s son, Argyrippus, or to cast your eyes on him? What has he given us? What has he had sent us? Do you think pretty speeches are gold pieces, witty words presents? You make love to him yourself, run after him yourself, have him called yourself. Men that give you things you treat with contempt; those that trifle with you you dote on.
an te id exspectare oportet, si quis promittat tibi te facturum divitem, si moriatur mater sua? ecastor15 nobis periclum magnum et familiae portenditur, 530 dum eius exspectamus mortem, ne nos moriamur fame. nunc adeo nisi mi huc argenti adfert viginti minas, ne ille ecastor hunc trudetur largus lacrumarum foras. hic dies summust quo est16 apud me inopiae excusatio.	Have you any business waiting for it to happen, if a man does promise to make you rich, if his mother dies? Mercy me, while we wait for her to die, up looms a big risk of ourselves and our household dying of starvation! Now let me tell you this: unless he brings me eighty pounds, I swear to goodness that fellow shall be bundled out of the house, liberal as he is—of tears! This is the last day I accept pleas of poverty.
Phil.	Phil.
Patiar, si cibo carere me iubes, mater mea.	Tell me to do without food, mother dear, and I’ll endure that.
Cle.	Cle.
Non voto ted amare qui dant quoia amentur gratia.	I have nothing to say against your loving men who give you something to be loved for.
Phil.	Phil.
Quid si hic animus occupatust, mater, quid faciam? mone.	What if my heart isn’t free, mother? What then? Advise me.
Cle.	Cle.
Em, meum caput contemples si quidem ex re consultas tua.	Look! Consider these grey hairs of mine, if you really have any regard for your own good.
Phil.	Phil.
539, 540 Etiam opilio qui pascit, mater, alienas ovis, aliquam habet peculiarem, qui spem soletur suam. sine me amare unum Argyrippum animi causa, quem volo.	Even the shepherd that pastures other peoples’ sheep has some ewe lamb of his very own, mother, one that he builds happy hopes on. Do let me love Argyrippus alone, the man I want, just for love’s sake.
Cle.	Cle.
Intro abi, nam te quidem edepol nihil est impudentius.	Inside with you! Why, mercy on us, a more shameless minx than you really can’t exist.
Phil.	Phil.
Audientem dicto, mater, produxisti filiam.	(tearfully) You’ve trained... your... daughter... to... be obedient... mother. [exit Philaenium into house, followed by Cleareta.

III. 2.	Scene 2.
	enter from forum Libanus and Leonida, latter carrying a wallet.
Lib.	Lib.
Perfidiae laudes gratiasque habemus merito magnas, quom nostris sycophantiis, dolis astutiisque,17 (546) advorsum stetimus lamminas,18 crucesque compedesque, (548) 549, 550 nervos, catenas, carceres, numellas, pedicas, boias inductoresque19 acerrumos gnarosque nostri tergi.20 (551)	(chanting ecstatically) All praise and thanks be to holy Perfidy as she deserves, since by our swindles, shams, and wiles we have defied hot irons and crosses and gyves, and thongs, chains, cells, shackles, fetters, collars, and painters—painters keen as can be and intimate with our backs!
(554) eae nunc legiones, copiae exercitusque eorum vi pugnando periuriis nostris fugae potiti. id virtute huius collegae21 meaque comitate factumst. qui me vir fortior ad sufferundas plagas?	All these regiments, battalions, and armies of theirs have been put to flight, after fierce fighting, by our fabrications. ’Tis the valour of my colleague hath done it, with my own kind assistance. Who’s a stouter-hearted hero than I am at taking thwacks?
Leon.	Leon.
Edepol virtutes qui tuas non possis conclaudare sic ut ego possim, quae domi duellique male fecisti. 560 ne illa edepol pro merito tuo memorari multa possunt:	(sneeringly) Good Lord! Your deeds of valour—you couldn’t celebrate them the way I could your villainies at home and in the field. Gad! you certainly can be acredited with a lengthy list of things along that line.
ubi fidentem fraudaveris, ubi ero infidelis fueris, ubi verbis conceptis sciens libenter periuraris, ubi parietes perfoderis, in furto ubi sis prehensus, ubi saepe causam dixeris pendens adversus octo artutos, audacis viros, valentis virgatores.	Item, cheated a confiding friend; item, faithless to master; item, committed perjury consciously, cheerfully, in set form of words; item, dug your way into houses through the walls; item, caught at thieving; item, strung up repeatedly and plead your case before eight bold, brawny beef-eaters with a gift for club swinging.
Lib.	Lib.
Fateor profecto ut praedicas, Leonida, esse vera; verum edepol ne etiam tua quoque malefacta iterari multa et vero possunt; ubi sciens fideli infidus fueris, ubi prensus in furto sies manifesto et verberatus,22 569 (571) ubi eris damno, molestiae et dedecori saepe fueris,	I am quite ready to admit that is a just statement of the case, Leonida; but, Lord! the list of even your own villainies, too, can certainly be made lengthy enough, without injustice. Item, consciously treacherous to a trusting friend; item, caught stealing redhanded and whipped; item, repeatedly brought loss, trouble, and disgrace on your masters;
ubi creditum quod sit tibi datum esse pernegaris,23 (572) (574) ubi saepe ad languorem tua duritia dederis octo validos lictores, ulmeis adfectos lentis virgis. num male relata est gratia, ut collegam collaudavi?	item, had money left in your keeping and swore and swore it wasn’t; item, repeatedly exhausted by your toughness eight strong lictors equipped with pliant elm rods. (pause) Have I celebrated my colleague highly enough to pay him back—eh, what?
Leon.	Leon.
Ut meque teque maxime atque ingenio nostro decuit.	(thoughtfully) Yes, pretty much what you and I and our characters deserved.
Lib.	Lib.
Iam omitte ista atque hoc quod rogo responde.	Drop your nonsense now and answer me this question.
Leon.	Leon.
Rogita quod vis.	Ask your question.
Lib.	Lib.
Argenti viginti minas habesne?	(triumphantly) The eighty pounds, have you got it?
Leon.	Leon.
Hariolare. 580 edepol senem Demaenetum lepidum fuisse nobis: ut adsimulabat Sauream med esse quam facete! nimis aegre risum contini, ubi hospitem inclamavit, quod se absente mihi fidem habere noluisset. ut memoriter me Sauream vocabat atriensem.	You’re a prophet! By gad, old Demaenetus did do the handsome thing by us. The way he pretended I was Saurea—clever, my word! I did have a deuce of a time holding in when he hauled our guest over the coils for not being willing to trust me in his absence. The way he remembered to keep calling me steward Saurea!
Lib.	Lib.
Mane dum.	(looking toward Cleareta’s house) Wait, though!
Leon.	Leon.
Quid est?	What’s up?
Lib.	Lib.
Philaenium estne haec quae intus exit atque Argyrippus una?	Isn’t this Philaenium coming out here, yes, and Argyrippus along with her?
Leon.	Leon.
Opprime os, is est. subauscultemus.	(in low tone) Shut your mouth—so it is. Let’s do some eaves-dropping (they retire)
Lib.	Lib.
Lacrumantem lacinia tenet lacrumans. quidnam esse dicam? taciti auscultemus.	Both crying and she holding on to the lappet of his cloak! What on earth is the matter! Let’s keep still and listen.
Leon.	Leon.
Attatae, modo hercle in mentem venit, nimis vellem habere perticam.	Oh-h! Jove! It has just occurred to me; how I do wish I had a pole!
Lib.	Lib.
Quoi rei?	What for?
Leon.	Leon.
Qui verberarem 590 asinos, si forte occeperint clamare hinc ex crumina	To whop those asses, if they happen to start braying in the wallet here.

III. 3.	Scene 3.
	enter Argyrippus and Philaenium from the doorway of Cleareta’s house where they have been standing.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Cur me retentas?	(sadly) Why hold me back?
Phil.	Phil.
Quia tui amans abeuntis egeo.	(tearfully) Because it’s dreadful having you leave me when I love you so.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Vale.	(trying half heartedly to release himself) Farewell!
Phil.	Phil.
Aliquanto amplius valerem, si his maneres.	(still clinging to him) I should fare much better if you’d stay with me.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Salve.	And God bless you!
Phil.	Phil.
Salvere me iubes, quoi tu abiens offers morbum?	You ask God to bless me when you curse me yourself by going?
Argyr.	Argyr.
Mater supremam mihi tua dixit, domum ire iussit.	Your mother said this was to be my last hour; she has ordered me home.
Phil.	Phil.
Acerbum funus filiae faciet, si te carendum est.	She’ll make her daughter die in misery, if I must be deprived of you.
Lib.	Lib.
Homo hercle hinc exclusust foras.	(aside to Leonida) By gad! He’s been shut out of the house here.
Leon.	Leon.
Ita res est.	So he has.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Mitte quaeso.	(dismally) Come, come, let go! (pulls away from her and turns to go)
Phil.	Phil.
Quo nunc abis? quin tu hic manes?	Where are you off to now? Why don’t you stay here?
Argyr.	Argyr.
Nox, si voles, manebo.	I will at night, if you want.
Lib.	Lib.
Audin hunc opera ut largus est nocturna? nunc enim esse negotiosum interdius videlicet Solonem, 600 leges ut conscribat, quibus se populus teneat. gerrae! qui sese parere apparent huius legibus, profecto numquam bonae frugi sient, dies noctesque potent.	Hear the chap—how free he is with his attentions by night? For now in the daytime he’s a hard-working Solon, drawing up laws to bind the people—oh, yes he is! Rot! Folks that set themselves to obey his laws won’t ever be good for anything, that’s sure,—except drinking day and night.
Leon.	Leon.
Ne iste hercle ab ista non pedem discedat, si licessit, qui nunc festinat atque ab hac minatur sese abire.	Good Lord! The fellow wouldn’t move a step from her, if he had his way, not he, for all this rush of his and threats to leave her
Lib.	Lib.
Sermoni iam finem face tuo. huius sermonem accipiam.	Come, make an end of your talk. I want to take in some of his.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Vale.	(tragically) Farewell! (starts away)
Phil.	Phil.
Quo properas?	Where are you hurrying to?
Argyr.	Argyr.
Bene vale, apud Orcum te videbo nam equidem me iam quantum potest a vita abiudicabo.	Farewell! Be happy. I shall see you in the world to come! For upon my soul, this world and I shall now be divorced as soon as possible!
Phil.	Phil.
Cui tu, obsecro, immerito meo me morti dedere optas?	(running up and clinging to him) Oh, for heaven’s sake, why, why do you wish to condemn me to death yourself, innocent as I am?
Argyr.	Argyr.
Ego te? quam si intellegam deficere vita, iam ipse 610 vitam meam tibi largiar et de mea ad tuam addam.	I you? If I saw your life was ebbing, I’d freely give you my own at once and add my years to yours.
Phil.	Phil.
Cui ergo minitans mihi, te vitam esse amissurum? nam quid me facturam putas, si istuc quod dicis faxis? mihi certum est facere in me omnia eadem quae tu in te faxis.	Then why do you threaten me with throwing away your life? For what do you think I will do, if you do what you say? My mind’s made up: I’ll do to myself just precisely what you do to yourself.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Oh melle dulci dulcior tu es.	Oh, you’re sweeter than sweet honey!
Phil.	Phil.
Certe enim tu vita es mi. complectere.	And you’re my very life, I know that. Do put your arms around me!
Argyr.	Argyr.
Facio lubens.	(doing so) Yes, yes, gladly!
Phil.	Phil.
Utinam sic efferamur.	Oh, if we could only be carried to the grave like this!
Leon.	Leon.
O Libane, uti miser est homo qui amat.	I say, Libanus, what a poor devil a chap in love is!
Lib.	Lib.
Immo hercle vero, qui pendet multo est miserior.	By Jove, no! A chap hung up by his heels is a much poorer devil, believe me.
Leon.	Leon.
Scio qui periclum feci. circum sistamus, alter hinc, hinc alter appellemus. ere, salve. sed num fumus est haec mulier quam amplexare?	I know that: I’ve tried it. (a pause) Let’s surround him, and give him a salute, one from here (pointing) and the other from here. (they station themselves: then, giving the signal to Libanus to chime in, loudly to Argyrippus) Good day, sir! (the lovers give a start) But—this lady you’re hugging isn’t smoke, is she?
Argyr.	Argyr.
Quidum?	Smoke? Why so?
Leon.	Leon.
620 Quia oculi sunt tibi lacrumantes, eo rogavi.	Well, your eyes are watering; that’s why I asked.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Patronus qui vobis fuit futurus, perdidistis.	(tragically) You have lost a man who would have freed you and been your patron, my lads.
Leon.	Leon.
Equidem hercle nullum perdidi, ideo quia numquam ullum habui.	Lord! I haven’t lost any such, no, indeed, seeing I never had any such.
Lib.	Lib.
Philaenium, salve.	Good day to you, Philaenium.
Phil.	Phil.
Dabunt di quae velitis vobis.	God grant all your wishes, to both of you.
Lib.	Lib.
Noctem tuam et vini cadum velim, si optata fiant.	I’d wish an evening with you and a cask of wine, if wishing was having.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Verbum cave faxis, verbero.	Hold your tongue, you rascal!
Lib.	Lib.
Tibi equidem, non mihi opto.	Oh, wish ’em for you, I mean, sir, not for myself.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Tum tu igitur loquere quod lubet.	Then in that case, say what you like.
Lib.	Lib.
Hunc hercle verberare.	Like? I’d like to give this chap (pointing to Leonida) a thrashing, by gad!
Leon.	Leon.
Quisnam istuc adcredat tibi, cinaede calamistrate? tun verberes, qui pro cibo habeas te verberari?	(ironically) Well, well, who’d believe it of you, you frizzle-headed girl-hunter? You thrash me, you, you that live on thrashings?
Argyr.	Argyr.
Ut vostrae fortunae meis praecedunt, Libane, longe, qui hodie numquam ad vesperum vivam.	(tragical again) Ah, Libanus, how far preferable your lot is to mine—I who will never never live till evening!
Lib.	Lib.
630 Quapropter, quaeso?	How’s that, for mercy’s sake?
Argyr.	Argyr.
Quia ego hanc amo et haec me amat, huic quod dem nusquam quicquam est, hinc med amantem ex aedibus eiecit huius mater. argenti viginti minae me ad mortem appulerunt, quas hodie adulescens Diabolus ipsi daturus dixit, ut hanc ne quoquam mitteret nisi ad se hunc annum totum. videtin viginti minae quid pollent quidve possunt? ille qui illas perdit salvos est, ego qui non perdo pereo.	Because I love her (indicating Philaenium) and she loves me, and (bitterly) never a penny can I find anywhere to give her; and her mother has thrown me out of the house here, me, her daughter’s lover. I’m driven to my death by eighty pounds, eighty pounds young Diabolus promised to pay her to-day for letting no one else but him have my girl the whole of this next year. Do you see the power, the possibilities in eighty pounds? The man that loses them is saved. I don’t lose them and I’m lost myself.
Lib.	Lib.
Iam dedit argentum?	Has he paid ’em over already?
Argyr.	Argyr.
Non dedit.	No.
Lib.	Lib.
Bono animo es, ne formida.	Cheer up; never you fear.
Leon.	Leon.
Secede huc, Libane, te volo.	Libanus! Come over here: I want you.
Lib.	Lib.
Si quid vis.	(obeying) Anything to please. (they withdraw and talk, heads close together)
Argyr.	Argyr.
Obsecro vos 640 eadem istac opera suaviust complexos fabulari.	(calling) For heaven’s sake, you two! You’d find it pleasanter to hug each other, while you do your chatting!
Lib.	Lib.
Non omnia eadem aeque omnibus, ere, suavia esse scito: vobis est suave amantibus complexos fabulari, ego complexum huius nil moror, meum autem hic aspernatur. proinde istud facias ipse quod faciamus nobis suades.	Tastes differ about what’s pleasant, sir, let me tell you that. A fond pair like you find it pleasant to hug each other while you do your chatting; but, personally, I don’t care for this fellow’s hugs, and as for mine, he scorns ’em. So you go on and practise yourself what you preach to us.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Ego vero, et quidem edepol lubens. interea, si videtur, concedite istuc.	Indeed I will, by Jove, yes, and gladly. Meanwhile you two go on and step aside there, if you see fit. (embraces Philaenium)
Leon.	Leon.
Vin erum deludi?	D’ye want to have some fun with master?
Lib.	Lib.
Dignust sane.	That I do, serves him right.
Leon.	Leon.
Vin faciam ut te Philaenium praesente hoc amplexetur?	D’ye want me to make Philaenium give you a squeeze right before his face?
Lib.	Lib.
Cupio hercle.	(enthusiastically) Gad, I long for one!
Leon.	Leon.
Sequere hac.	Come along. (leads the way back to Argyrippus and (Philaenium)
Argyr.	Argyr.
Ecquid est salutis? satis locuti.	Any good news? You have talked enough.
Leon.	Leon.
Auscultate atque operam date et mea dicta devorate. 650 primum omnium servos tuos nos esse non negamus, sed tibi si viginti minae argenti proferentur, quo nos vocabis nomine?	(importantly) Listen here, you two; pay attention and devour my remarks, (to Argyrippus) First of all, we are your slaves, we don’t deny that; but if eighty pounds is produced for you, what will you call us?
Argyr.	Argyr.
Libertos.	(eagerly) Freedmen!
Leon.	Leon.
Non patronos?	Not patrons, eh?
Argyr.	Argyr.
Id potius.	Yes, yes, patrons!
Leon.	Leon.
Viginti minae hic insunt in crumina, has ego, si vis, tibi dabo.	There’s eighty pounds in this wallet here: I’ll give it to you if you like.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Di te servassint semper, custos erilis, decus popli, thensaurus copiarum, salus interioris24 corporis amorisque imperator. hic pone, hic istam colloca cruminam in collo plane.	Heaven prosper you for evermore, you guardian of your master, you glory of the populace, you storehouse of supplies, saviour of the inner man, and generalissimo of love! Put it here, hang that wallet here around my neck in plain sight.
Leon.	Leon.
Nolo ego te, qui erus sis, mihi onus istuc sustinere.	Let my master bear such a load? No sir, not I.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Quin tu labore liberas te atque istam imponis in me?	Why not take things easy yourself and let me stand the strain?
Leon.	Leon.
660 Ego baiulabo, tu, ut dacet dominum, ante me ito inanis.	I’ll act as porter myself; as for you, you walk on ahead as a master should, empty handed.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Quid nunc?	(eagerly) Well now?
Leon.	Leon.
Quid est?	(drawling) Well what?
Argyr.	Argyr.
Quin tradis huc cruminam pressatum umerum?	Why don’t you hand the wallet over and let it crush my shoulder?
Leon.	Leon.
Hanc, cui daturu’s hanc, iube petere atque orare mecum. nam istuc proclive est, quo iubes me plane collocare.	She’s the one, (pointing to Philaenium) the one you’ll give it to, tell her to ask me for it, tease me for it. You see that plain site you told me to put it on is a (with a sly glance at Philaenium) slope.
Phil.	Phil.
Da, meus ocellus, mea rosa, mi anime, mea voluptas, Leonida, argentum mihi, ne nos diiunge amantis.	Oh, Leonida, you apple of my eye, my rosebud, my heart’s delight, my darling, do give me the money! Don’t separate us lovers.
Leon.	Leon.
Dic me igitur tuom passerculum, gallinam, coturnicem, agnellum haedillum me tuom die esse vel vitellum. prehende auriculis, compara labella cum labellis.	(with burlesque fondness) Well then, call me your little sparrow, hen, quail, call me your little lambkin, kidlet, or calfyboy, if you prefer: take hold of me by the earlaps and match my little lips to your little lips.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Ten osculetur, verbero?	She kiss you, you scoundrel?
Leon.	Leon.
Quam vero indignum visum est? 670 at qui pol hodie non feres, ni genua confricantur.	Yes, it does seem a shame, doesn’t it? However, you don’t get the cash this day, by gad, unless you rub my knees.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Quidvis egestas imperat: fricentur. dan quod oro?	“Need knows no shame.” Rubbed they shall be. (gets down on ground, with poor grace, and clasps Leonida’s knees) Won’t you grant my prayer? (gets up)
Phil.	Phil.
Age, mi Leonida, obsecro, fer amanti ero salutem, redime istoc beneficio te ab hoc, et tibi eme hunc isto argento.	Come, dear Leonida, please, please save your master that loves me so! Buy your freedom from him by this kindness, buy his favour for yourself with this money! (embraces him)
Leon.	Leon.
Nimis bella es atque amabilis, et si hoc meum esset, hodie namquam me orares quin darem. illum te orare meliust, illic hanc mihi servandam dedit ei sane bella belle, cape hoc sis, Libane.	(leering at her) Ah, you’re pretty, perfectly adorable: and if this belonged to me, I’d never let you tease me twice for it, never. But he’s the one for you to tease: (pointing to Libanus) he gave it to me to keep for him. At him now, my pretty, prettily. Libanus, catch hold of this, will you! (tosses him the wallet)
Argyr.	Argyr.
Furcifer, etiam me delusisti?	What, you villain! Have you been making a fool of me?
Leon.	Leon.
Numquam hercle facerem, genua ni tam nequiter fricares. age sis tu in partem nunciam hunc delude atque amplexare hanc.	Bless you, sir, I wouldn’t, only you made such a bad job of rubbing my knees. (aside to Libanus) Come on now, will you; you take your turn at fooling him and cuddling her.
Lib.	Lib.
Taceas, me spectes.	(aside to Leonida) Shut up: you watch me!
Argyr.	Argyr.
680 Quin ad hunc, Philaenium, adgredimur, virum quidem pol optimum et non simulem furis huius?	(aside to Philaenium) Why not make up to him, Philaenium? He’s a very decent sort, Libanus is, gad yes, nothing like this thief. (indicating Leonida)
Lib.	Lib.
Inambulandum est: nunc mihi vicissam supplicabunt.	(aside as they approach) Now for some strutting around: here’s where I come in for being supplicated. (parades magnificently back and forth)
Argyr.	Argyr.
Quaeso hercle, Libane, sis erum tuis factis sospitari, da mihi istas viginti minas. vides me amantem egere.	Hang it all, Libanus, for mercy’s sake be a good fellow and save your master’s life! Give me that eighty pounds. You see I’m in love and need the money.
Lib.	Lib.
Videbitur. factum volo. redito huc contemno nunc istanc tantisper iube petere atque orare mecum.	We’ll see about it. Happy if I can oblige. Come back early in the evening. Meanwhile now just tell the lady there to ask me for it and tease me for it.
Phil.	Phil.
Amandone exorarier vis ted an osculando?	Tease it from you by loving you, or by kissing you, which?
Lib.	Lib.
Enim vero utrumque.	Oh well, try both of ’em.
Phil.	Phil.
Ergo, obsecro, et tu utrumque nostrum serva.	(fondling him) And both of us, then,—do rescue us, please, please!
Argyr.	Argyr.
O Libane, mi patrone, mi trade istuc. magis decorumst 690 libertum potius quam patronum onus in via portare.	O Libanus, my dear patron, do hand it over to me! A freedman is the proper person to carry a load on the street, not his patron.
Phil.	Phil.
Mi Libane, ocellus aureus, donum decusque amoris, amabo, faciam quod voles, da istuc argentum nobis.	My own Libanus, my little golden treasure boy, love’s gift and glory, oh, I’ll adore you, do anything for you, only give us that money!
Lib.	Lib.
Dic igitur med aniticulam, columbam vel catellum, hirundinem, monerulam, passerculum putillum, fac proserpentem bestiam me, duplicem ut habeam linguam, circumda torquem bracchiis, meum collum circumplecte.	Then call me your little ducky, dovey, doggieboy, your swallow, your little jackdaw, your little tootsie wootsie sparrowkin: (opening his mouth) make a reptile of me and let me have a double tongue in my mouth; throw a chain of arms around me; clasp me close around my neck.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Ten complectatur, carnufex?	Put her arms around you, you gallows-bird!
Lib.	Lib.
Quam vero indignus videor? ne istuc nequiquam dixeris tam indignum dictum in me, vehes pol hodie me, si quidem hoc argentum ferre speres.	An awful shame, isn’t it, really now? Not to have you saying such shameful things of me free of charge, you’ll carry me on your back to-day, by gad, that is, if you count on getting this cash.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Ten ego veham?	I carry you on my back—I?
Lib.	Lib.
700 Tun hoc feras argentum aliter a me?	See any other way of getting this cash, do you—you?
Argyr.	Argyr.
Perii hercle. si verum quidem et decorum erum vehere servom, inscende.	O damnation! Well, if it is right and proper for a master to carry a servant on his back—get up.
Lib.	Lib.
Sic isti solent superbi subdomari. asta igitur, ut consuetus es puer olim scin ut dicam? em sic. abi, laudo, nec te equo magis est equos ullus sapiens.	Here’s how those toplofty ones are tamified. Now then, stand by—the way you used to do years ago as a boy. Know how I mean? (Argyrippus sidles up and bends over) There! That’s it! Good for you! Capital! There isn’t a more knowing bit of horse-flesh than you anywhere.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Inscende actutum.	Get up, and be quick about it!
Lib.	Lib.
Ego fecero hem quid istuc est? ut tu incedis? demam hercle iam de hordeo, tolutim ni badizas.	(springing on his shoulders) So I will. (Argyrippus moves off slowly) Hullo! What’s the matter? How you do jog along! By gad, I’ll dock your barley directly, if you don’t stir yourself and gallop. (Argyrippus gallops)
Argyr.	Argyr.
Amabo, Libane, iam sat est.	There’s a good fellow, Libanus,—that’s enough now!
Lib.	Lib.
Numquam hercle hodie exorabis nam iam calcari quadrupedo agitabo advorsum clivom, postidea ad pistores dabo, ut ibi cruciere currens. 710 asta ut descendam nunciam in proclivi, quamquam nequam es.	Not on your life—you don’t beg off this day. Why, now I’m going to dig the spurs in and trot you up a hill: afterwards I’ll hand you over to the millers to do some running for ’em at the end of a rawhide. Stand still! so that I can dismount on the slope now, even though you are a good-for-nothing beast. (gets off)
Argyr.	Argyr.
Quid nunc, amabo? quoniam, ut est libitum, nos delusistis, datisne argentum?	How about it now? There’s a good fellow! Seeing you two have had your fill of sport with me, going to give us the money, are you?
Lib.	Lib.
Si quidem mihi statuam et aram statuis atque ut deo mi hic immolas bovem: nam ego tibi Salus sum.	Oh well, if you put me up an altar and statue, yes, and offer me up an ox here the same as a god: for I’m your goddess Salvation, I am.
Leon.	Leon.
Etiam tu, ere, istunc amoves abs te atque25 ipse me adgredere atque illa, sibi quae hic iusserat, mihi statuis supplicasque?	Come, sir, get rid of that chap, won’t you, and apply to me in person, yes, and let me have those statues and supplications he ordered for himself.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Quem te autem divom nominem?	Ah, and by what name does your godship pass?
Leon.	Leon.
Fortunam, atque Obsequentem.	Fortune, yes sir, Indulgent Fortune.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Iam istoc es melior.	Now there’s where you are better.
Lib.	Lib.
An quid est homini Salute melius?	Eh? what’s better for a man than Salvation?
Argyr.	Argyr.
Licet laudem Fortunam, tamen ut ne Salutem culpem.	I can praise Fortune and still not disparage Salvation.
Phil.	Phil.
Ecastor ambae sunt bonae.	Mercy me, they’re both good.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Sciam ubi boni quid dederint.	I’ll know so when I get something good out of them.
Leon.	Leon.
Opta id quod ut contingat tibi vis.	Wish for something you want to happen to you.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Quid si optaro?	What if I do?
Leon.	Leon.
720 Eveniet.	It’ll come true.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Opto annum hunc perpetuom mihi huius operas.	My wish is to have this lady’s attentions this whole next year through.
Leon.	Leon.
Impetrasti.	You’ve got it.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Ain vero?	Really? really?
Leon.	Leon.
Certe inquam.	Sure thing I tell you.
Lib.	Lib.
Ad me adi vicissim atque experire. exopta id quod vis maxime tibi evenire: fiet.	It’s my turn—come over here and give me a trial. Long for something you most want to come true: it will.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Quid ego aliud exoptem amplius nisi illud cuius inopiast, viginti argenti commodas minas, huius quas dem matri.	What could I long for more than something I haven’t got a trace of—a round eighty pounds to give this girl’s mother?
Lib.	Lib.
Dabuntur, animo sis bono face, exoptata optingent.	Forthcoming. Keep your courage up: your longing will be gratified.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Ut consuevere, homines Salus frustratur et Fortuna.	(incredulous) Salvation is at her old tricks, fooling people, and Fortune too.
Leon.	Leon.
Ego caput huic argento fui hodie reperiundo.	In lighting on this cash to-day—I’m the one that’s been the head of it!
Lib.	Lib.
Ego pes fui.	I’m the one that’s been the foot of it!
Argyr.	Argyr.
Quin nec caput nec pes sermoni apparet. 730 nec quid dicatis scire nec me cur ludatis possum.	And upon my soul, your discourse is a puzzle from head to foot. I can’t understand your talk, or why you’re making game of me.
Lib.	Lib.
Satis iam delusum censeo. nunc rem ut est eloquamur. animum. Argyrippe, advorte sis. pater nos ferre hoc iussit argentum ad ted.	(aside to Leonida) I move he’s been fooled with long enough. Come on, let’s out with it. (to Argyrippus) Your kind attention, Argyrippus! Your father told us to bring this money to you. (holding up wallet)
Argyr.	Argyr.
Ut temperi opportuneque attulistis.	Oh, you’ve brought it just in time, just at the right moment!
Lib.	Lib.
Hic inerunt viginti minae bonae, mala opera partae; has tibi nos pactis legibus dare iussit.	You’ll find in here eighty good sovereigns ill-gotten: he said to give ’em to you according to terms agreed upon.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Quid id est, quaeso?	Terms? What terms, for mercy’s sake?
Lib.	Lib.
Noctem huius et cenam sibi ut dares.	That you’re to give him an evening with this lady, and a dinner.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Iube advenire quaeso: meritissimo eius quae volet faciemus, qui hosce amores nostros dispulsos compulit.	Tell him to come along, yes, yes! We’ll do what he wants, and quite right we should, after the way he’s gathered our scattered love to the fold. (takes wallet from Libanus)
Leon.	Leon.
Patierin, Argyrippe, patrem hanc amplexari tuom?	Going to put up with your father’s hugging her, are you, Argyrippus?
Argyr.	Argyr.
Haec faciet facile ut patiar 740 Leonida, curre obsecro, patrem huc orato ut veniat.	(waving wallet) This will easily enable me to put up with it. Leonida, for heaven’s sake run and beg my father to come here.
Leon.	Leon.
Iam dudum est intus.	(pointing to Cleareta’s house) He was in there long ago.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Hac quidem non venit.	He certainly didn’t come this way.
Leon.	Leon.
Angiporto illac per hortum circum ut clam, ne quis se videret. huc ire familiarium: ne uxor resciscat metuit de argento si mater tua sciat ut sit factum—	Sneaked in by the alley there through the garden, so that none of the servants would see him enter: he’s afraid of his wife finding out. If your mother was to learn about the money, how it was—
Argyr.	Argyr.
Heia, bene dicite.	Hold on there! No ominous remarks!
Lib.	Lib.
Ite intro cito.	In with you, quick!
Argyr.	Argyr.
Valete.	Good-bye, you two.
Leon.	Leon.
Et vos amate.	And spoon away, you two. [exeunt Argyrippus and Philaenium into Cleareta’s house,Libanus and Leonida into house of Demaenetus.

ACTVS IV	ACT IV
	enter Diabolus and Parasite.
Diab.	Diab.
Agedum istum ostende quem conscripsti syngraphum inter me et amicam et lenam. leges pellege nam tu poeta es prorsus ad eam rem unicus.	Come on, show me that contract you drew up between me and my mistress and the Madame. Read over the terms. Ah, you’re the one and only artist at this business.
Par.	Par.
Horrescet faxo lena, leges cum audiet.	(producing a document) I warrant you Madame will shudder when she hears the terms.
Diab.	Diab.
Age quaeso mi hercle translege.	Come come, man, for the Lord’s sake let’s have ’em!
Par.	Par.
Audin?	Are you listening?
Diab.	Diab.
750 Audio.	Yes.
Par.	Par.
“Diabolus Glauci filius Clearetae lenae dedit dono argenti viginti minas, Philaenium ut secum esset noctes et dies hunc annum totum.”	(reading) “Diabolus, son of Glaucus, has given to Cleareta, Madame, a present of eighty pounds to the end that Philaenium throughout the coming year may spend her nights and days with him.”
Diab.	Diab.
Neque cum quiquam alio quidem.	Yes, and not with anyone else, either.
Par.	Par.
Addone?	Shall I add that?
Diab.	Diab.
Adde, et scribas vide plane et probe.	Add that, and see you put it down in a good firm hand.
Par.	Par.
“Alienum hominem intro mittat neminem. quod illa aut amicum aut patronum nominet, aut quod illa amicae26 amatorem praedicet, fores occlusae omnibus sint nisi tibi. 760 in foribus scribat occupatam esse se.	(after doing so) “She is to admit no male outsider into her house. In case she call him a mere friend or guardian, or in case she allege him to be the lover of a friend of hers, her doors must be closed to all but you. She must post a notice on the doors stating that she is engaged.
aut quod illa dicat peregre allatam epistulam, ne epistula quidem ulla sit in aedibus nec cerata adeo tabula; et si qua inutilis pictura sit, eam vendat: ni in quadriduo abalienarit, quo abs te argentum acceperit, tuos arbitratus sit, comburas, si velis, ne illi sit cera, ubi facere possit litteras.	Or in case she say that a letter from foreign parts has been delivered to her, there must be no letter at all in the house, nor so much as a waxen tablet; and if there be any undesirable picture about, let her sell it: unless she shall have removed it within four days after receipt of your money, it shall be at your disposal: you may burn it up, if you deem fit, that she may have no wax whereon to write.
vocet convivam neminem illa, tu voces; ad eorum ne quem oculos adiciat suos. 770 si quem alium aspexit, caeca continue siet. tecum una potet, aeque pocla potitet: abs ted accipiat, tibi propinet, tu bibas, ne illa minus aut plus quam tu sapiat.”	She must invite no guest to the house: you shall invite them; and she must have eyes for none of them. If her glance has fallen on another man, she must become blind forthwith. She must drink with you only, and drink with you glass for glass: let her receive the glass from your hands, drink to your health, and then do you take it and drink, so that she may have no—(unobtrusively dropping the aspirate) whit more than you, nor less.”
Diab.	Diab.
Satis placet.	(not noticing) Quite satisfactory.
Par.	Par.
“Suspiciones omnes ab se segreget. neque illaec ulli pede pedem homini premat, cum surgat, neque cum in lectum inscendat proximum, neque cum descendat inde, det cuiquam manum: spectandum ne cui anulum det neque roget. talos ne cuiquam homini admoveat nisi tibi. 780 cum iaciat, ‘te’ ne dicat: nomen nominet.	“She must keep herself above every suspicion. She must not touch feet with any man when she arises from table: and when she steps upon the adjoining couch, or steps down therefrom, she must take no one’s hand. She must give no one her ring to look at, nor ask to look at his. To no man save yourself must she pass the dice. On making a throw she must not say, ‘TheeE I invoke!’ She is to name your name.
deam invocet sibi quam libebit propitiam, deum nullum; si magis religiosa fuerit, tibi dicat: tu pro illa ores ut sit propitius. neque illa ulli homini nutet, nictet, annuat. post, si lucerna exstincta sit, ne quid sui membri commoveat quicquam in tenebris.”	Let her call upon any goddess she pleases for favour, but upon no god; if she have religious scruples in regard to this, let her tell you, and do you make the prayer for his favour in her stead. To no man shall she nod, wink, or signify compliance. Further, if the lamp go out, she is not to move a single limb in the darkness.”
Diab.	Diab.
Optumest. ita scilicet facturam. verum in cubiculo— deme istuc—equidem illam moveri gestio. nolo illam habere causam et votitam dicere.	Excellent! To be sure she mustn’t, (pause) But in our own room—cut that clause out—why, I’m keen as can be for her to be lively there! I don’t want her to have an excuse and say the contract forbids.
Par.	Par.
Scio, captiones metuis.	I see, you fear some catch.
Diab.	Diab.
Verum.	Exactly.
Par.	Par.
790 Ergo ut iubes tollam.	Well then, I shall strike that out, as you order.
Diab.	Diab.
Quid ni?	Of course you will.
Par.	Par.
Audi relicua.	Listen to the rest.
Diab.	Diab.
Loquere, audio.	Go on: I am listening.
Par.	Par.
“Neque ullum verbum faciat perplexabile, neque ulla lingua sciat loqui nisi Attica, forte si tussire occepsit, ne sic tussiat, ut cuiquam linguam in tussiendo proserat. quod illa autem simulet, quasi gravedo profluat, hoc ne sic faciat: tu labellum abstergeas potius quam cuiquam savium faciat palam.	“She must use no phrase of double meaning, and must know how to speak no language but the Attic. If she should happen to cough, she is not to cough so, (illustrating) in such a way as to extend her tongue toward anyone. Moreover, in case she pretends to have a running cold, she must not do this: (purses his lips) you are to wipe her little lip yourself rather than let her pucker up her mouth for anyone so obviously.
nec mater lena ad vinum accedat interim, 800 nec ulli verbo male dicat. si dixerit, haec multa ei esto, vino viginti dies ut careat.”	Nor shall the Madame, her mother, drop in while you are having your wine, or say a single abusive word to anyone. If such a word be said by her, the penalty shall be this—no wine for her for twenty days.”
Diab.	Diab.
Pulchre scripsti. scitum syngraphum.	Splendid document! Capital contract!
Par.	Par.
“Tum si coronas, serta, unguenta iusserit ancillam ferre Veneri aut Cupidini, tuos servos servet, Venerine eas det an viro. 800 si forte pure velle habere dixerit, tot noctes reddat spurcas quot pure habuerit.” haec sunt non nugae, non enim mortualia.	“Then if she bid her maid carry chaplets, wreaths, perfumes to Venus or to Cupid, your servant shall observe whether she gives them to Venus, or to a man. Should she happen to express a wish for religious seclusion, she must give you as many hours of love as she has of loneliness.” These be no trifles; these be no dirges for dead folk, I tell you. The terms are highly satisfactory. Follow me in.
Diab.	Diab.
Placent profecto leges, sequere intro.	Very well.
Par.	Par.
Sequor.	[exeunt into Cleareta’s house: sound of wrangling within: re-enter Diabolus and Parasite from house.

IV. 2.	Scene 2.
Diab.	Diab.
810 Sequere hac, egone haec patiar aut taceam? emori me malim, quam haec non eius uxori indicem. ain tu? apud amicam munus adulescentuli fungare, uxori excuses te et dicas senem? praeripias scortum amanti atque argentum obicias lenae? suppiles clam domi uxorem tuam?	(incensed) Come along! I put up with this? I hold my tongue? I’d rather perish from the earth than not let it out to his wife! (shouting to Demaenetus within) You will, will you? You will play the gay young spark with a mistress and excuse yourself to your wife on the plea of old age, eh? You will snatch a girl from her lover and toss your money to the Madame, eh? You will filch things from your lady at home on the sly, eh?
suspendam potius me, quam tu haec tacita auferas. iam quidem hercle ad illam hinc ibo, quam tu propediem, nisi quidem illa ante occupassit te, effliges scio, luxuriae sumptus suppeditare ut possies.	I’d sooner hang myself than let you carry it off so and nothing said. By the Lord, I’ll go to her this very minute, I will, the woman you’re bound to bring to pauperism shortly,—if she doesn’t forestall you, that is,—just so that you may be kept in funds for your orgies!
Par.	Par.
820 Ego sic faciundum censeo: me honestiust, quam te palam hanc rem facere, ne illa existimet amoris causa percitum id fecisse te magis quam sua causa.	(calmly, judiciously) In my opinion, this is the way we should handle the case: it would look better for me to appear in the matter than you; she might think you were hard hit and did it more out of jealousy than out of regard for her.
Diab.	Diab.
At pol qui dixti rectius. tu ergo fac ut illi turbas lites concias; cum suo sibi gnato unam ad amicam de die potare, illam expilare narra.	Right you are, gad yes, that is better! Then raise hell for him yourself; stir up a row; notify her that he’s having a daylight carouse with his own son, one girl between ’em there at her house, and she herself being rooked for it!
Par.	Par.
Ne mone, ego istud curabo.	No advice needed! I shall take care of that.
Diab.	Diab.
(827) At ego te opperiar domi.27	Well, I’ll wait for you at home.27 [exit.

ACTVS V	ACT V
	the door of Cleareta’s house is open, showing Argyrippus, Demaenetus, and Philaenium banqueting, Philaenium being on a couch beside Demaenetus and trying not to seem bored by his gallantries.
Dem.	Dem.
830 Numquidnam tibi molestumst, gnate mi, si haec nunc mecum accubat?	You don’t mind it, do you, my boy,—her being on the couch here with me? (merrily chucks Philaenium under the chin)
Argyr.	Argyr.
Pietas, pater, oculis dolorem prohibet. quamquam ego istanc amo, possum equidem inducere animum, ne aegre patiar quia tecum accubat.	(dolefully) My duty as a son takes the sting out of the sight, father. Even though I do love her, of course I can persuade myself not to be disturbed at her being with you.
Dem.	Dem.
Decet verecundum esse adulescentem, Argyrippe.	A young fellow should be modest, Argyrippus.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Edepol, pater, merito tuo facere possum.	Ah yes, father, I can behave as you deserve.
Dem.	Dem.
Age ergo, hoc agitemus convivium vino et28 sermoni suavi. nolo ego metui, amari mavolo, mi gnate, me abs te.	(jovially) Come on then, let’s have a lively banquet—wine and sweet converse, my dears! None of your filial awe for me: your love is what I want, my lad.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Pol ego utrumque facio, ut aequom est filium.	(still more dolefully) Ah yes, father, I give you both, as a son should.
Dem.	Dem.
Credam istuc, si esse te hilarum videro.	I’ll believe that, once I see you looking jolly.
Argyr.	Argyr.
An tu me tristem putas?	(with a deep sigh) You don’t think I’m... melancholy... do you?
Dem.	Dem.
Putem ego, quem videam aeque esse maestum ut quasi dies si dicta sit?	Think so? When you look as sepulchral as if you were docketed for trial!
Argyr.	Argyr.
Ne dixis istuc.	Don’t say that.
Dem.	Dem.
839, 840 Ne sic fueris: ilico ego non dixero.	Don’t be that, and I’ll stop saying it soon enough.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Em aspecta: rideo.	(making a dismal effort to look happy) Here now! See! I’m smiling.
Dem.	Dem.
Utinam male qui mihi volunt sic rideant.	(dryly) I wish my enemies were blessed with a smile like that.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Scio equidem quam ob rem me, pater, tu tristem credas nunc tibi: quia istaec est tecum. atque ego quidem hercle ut verum tibi dicam. pater, ea res me male habet; at non eo, quia tibi non cupiam quae velis; verum istam amo. aliam tecum esse equidem facile possum perpeti.	Of course I know why you think my bearing toward you now is melancholy, father,—because she’s with you. And good heavens, father, to tell you the truth, I—it does make me miserable; not because I’m not eager to have your wishes gratified; but I love that girl. If it was some other one, I shouldn’t mind at all, really I shouldn’t.
Dem.	Dem.
At ego hanc volo.	I want this one, though.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Ergo sunt quae exoptas: mihi quae ego exoptem volo.	Well then, you’ve got your desire: I wish I could have the same luck!
Dem.	Dem.
Unum hunc diem perpetere, quoniam tibi potestatem dedi, cum hac annum ut esses, atque amanti argenti feci copiam.	Oh, you’ll take it calmly this one day, now that I’ve given you the chance to be with her for a year, and furnished forth my young gallant with funds.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Em istoc me facto tibi devinxti.	Just the point! You have me bound hard and fast by that.
Dem.	Dem.
849, 850 Quin te ergo hilarum das mihi?	Come then, surrender and be jolly, won’t you?

V. 2.	Scene 2.
	enter Artemona and Parasite from house of Demaenetus.
Art.	Art.
Ain tu meum virum his potare, obsecro, cum filio et ad amicam detulisse argenti viginti minas meoque filio sciente id facere flagitium patrem?	(tempestuously) What’s that, for heaven’s sake,—my husband carousing here with his son, and brought eighty pounds to a mistress, and my son conniving at such an outrage on the part of his father, his father?
Par.	Par.
Neque divini neque mi humani posthac quicquam accreduas, Artemona, si huius rei me esse mendacem inveneris.	Never trust me in another thing divine or human, madam, if you find I have misinformed you in this.
Art.	Art.
At scelesta ego praeter alios meum virum29 frugi rata, siccum, frugi, continentem, amantem uxoris maxume.	But oh dear me! I thought my husband was the very paragon of men, a sober man, a worthy, moral man that loved his wife devotedly.
Par.	Par.
At nunc dehinc scito illum ante omnes minimi mortalem preti, madidum, nihili, incontinentem atque osorem uxoris suae.	But from now on you must realize that he is the very scum of the earth, a toping man, a worthless, immoral man that hates the wife of his bosom.
Art.	Art.
860 Pol ni istaec vera essent, numquam faceret ea quae nunc facit.	Mercy yes! unless all that was true, he would never be acting as he does now.
Par.	Par.
Ego quoque hercle illum antehac hominem semper sum frugi ratus, verum hoc facto sese ostendit, qui quidem cum filio potet una atque una amicam ductet, decrepitus senex.	I always thought he was a worthy man myself before to-day, upon my soul I did: but now he shows himself in his true colours—carousing with his own son and sharing his mistress with him, the old ruin!
Art.	Art.
Hoc ecastor est quod ille it ad cenam cottidie. ait sese ire ad Archidemum, Chaeream, Chaerestratum, Cliniam, Chremem, Cratinum, Diniam, Demosthenem: is apud scortum corruptelae est liberis, lustris studet.	Good gracious! This explains his going out to dinner every day! He with his tales of going to dine with Archidemus, Chaerea, Chaerestratus, Clinia, Chremes, Cratinus, Dinias, Demosthenes—and all the time corrupting his children at a harlot’s, haunting houses of ill fame!
Par.	Par.
Quin tu illum iubes ancillas rapere sublimen domum?	Why not tell your maids to pick him up and take him off home?
Art.	Art.
Tace modo. ne ego illum ecastor miserum habebo.	You just keep still. Oh, but I’ll make life miserable for him, I swear I will!
Par.	Par.
Ego istuc scio, ita fore illi dum quidem cum illo nupta eris.	I have no doubt about that, just as long as he is your husband.
Art.	Art.
870 Ego censeo. eum30 etiam hominem in senatu dare operam aut clientibus, ibi labore delassatum noctem totam stertere: ille opere foris faciendo lassus noctu ad me advenit; fundum alienum arat, incultum familiarem deserit. is etiam corruptus porro suom corrumpit filium.	(too irate to notice unflattering accent) Yes, indeed! He busy in the Senate or helping his clients! He wearied out by his labours there, there, that he spends the whole night snoring! It is business away from home that makes him turn up at night all weary—the business of ploughing other people’s fields and leaving his own uncultivated. Corrupt himself, he actually goes on and corrupts his own son.
Par.	Par.
Sequere hac me modo, iam faxo ipsum hominem manifesto opprimas.	Just follow me this way: I’ll soon make you drop on our gentleman in the very act.
Art.	Art.
Nihil ecastor est quod facere mavelim.	Ah-h-h! There’s nothing I’d like better!
Par.	Par.
Mane dum.	Hm! wait! (goes quietly to Cleareta’s door, peeps in and comes back)
Art.	Art.
Quid est?	What’s the matter?
Par.	Par.
Possis, si forte accubantem tuom virum conspexeris cum corona amplexum amicam, si videas, cognoscere?	If you happened to spy your husband stretched out on a banquet couch with a garland on and a girl in his arms—if you saw him, could you recognize him?
Art.	Art.
Possum ecastor.	Indeed I can!
Par.	Par.
Em tibi hominem.	(taking her cautiously to the door) Behold your man!
Art.	Art.
Perii.	(peeping) Dreadful, dreadful!
Par.	Par.
880 Paulisper mane. aucupemus ex insidiis clanculum quam rem gerant.	(drawing her aside) Wait a bit! Let’s lie in ambush and spy what’s going on without being seen.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Quid modi, pater, amplexando facies?	(resentfully) Father! When is that hug going to end?
Dem.	Dem.
Fateor, gnate mi—	(somewhat embarrassed) I admit, my dear boy,—
Argyr.	Argyr.
Quid fatere?	Admit what?
Dem.	Dem.
Me ex amore huius corruptum oppido.	That this lady is altogether too much for my sense of decorum.
Par.	Par.
Audin quid ait?	(to Artemona) Do you hear what he says?
Art.	Art.
Audio.	I hear!
Dem.	Dem.
Egon ut non domo uxori meae subripiam in deliciis pallam quam habet, atque ad te deferam? non edepol conduci possum vita uxoris annua.	(to Philaenium) Not steal my wife’s pet mantle from home and bring it to you? By heaven, I couldn’t be hired not to—not if she should die within the year.
Par.	Par.
Censen tu illum hodie primum ire adsuetum esse in ganeum?	(to Artemona) Do you think to-day is the first time that gentleman has used such resorts?
Art.	Art.
Ille ecastor suppilabat me, quod ancillas meas suspicabar atque insontis miseras cruciabam.	Mercy on us! So he was the thief all those times I suspected my maids, yes, and tortured the poor innocent things.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Pater, 890 iube dari vinum; iam dudum factum est cum primum bibi.	Tell them to set the wine going, father; it seems an age since I had my first drink.
Dem.	Dem.
Da, puere, ab summo. age, tu interibi ab infimo da savium.	(to servant) Boy, send round the wine from the head of the table. (to Philaenium) Come, my dear, meanwhile you send round a naughty, naughty kiss from the foot. (Philaenium obeys)
Art.	Art.
Perii misera, ut osculatur carnufex, capuli decus.	Oh-h-h! Good heavens! The way he kisses, the villain, fit only to grace a coffin!
Dem.	Dem.
Edepol animam suaviorem aliquanto quam uxoris meae.	My word! Rather sweeter breath than my wife’s!
Phil.	Phil.
Dic amabo, an fetet anima uxoris tuae?	Do tell me, there’s a dear—your wife’s breath isn’t bad, is it?
Dem.	Dem.
Nauteam bibere malim, si necessum sit, quam illam oscularier.	I’d rather drink bilge water, if it came to that, than kiss her.
Art.	Art.
Ain tandem? edepol ne tu istuc cum malo magno tuo dixisti in me. sine, revenias modo domum, faxo ut scias quid pericli sit dotatae uxori vitium dicere.	(aside) So? You would, would you? Good gracious, sir, that fling at me will cost you dear. Very well! just you come back home, sir! I’ll show you the danger of vilifying a wife with money.
Phil.	Phil.
Miser ecastor es.	Goodness me, you poor thing!
Art.	Art.
Ecastor dignus est.	(aside) Goodness me, he deserves to be!
Argyr.	Argyr.
Quid ais, pater? ecquid matrem amas?	Look here, father. Do you love my mother?
Dem.	Dem.
900 Egone illam? nunc amo, quia non adest.	Love her? I? I love her now for not being near.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Quid cum adest?	And when she is near?
Dem.	Dem.
Periisse cupio.	I yearn for a death in the family.
Par.	Par.
Amat homo hic te, ut praedicat.	(to Artemona) This gentleman is fond of you, it seems.
Art.	Art.
Ne illa ecastor faenerato funditat: nam si domum redierit hodie. osculando ego ulciscar potissimum.	(aside) Oh-h-h! won’t he pay interest on that flow of words! Just let him come back home to-day, and that will be my favourite method of revenge—kissing him.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Iace, pater, talos, ut porro nos iaciamus.	(pushing some dice toward Demaenetus) Your throw, father: come, so that I can take my turn.
Dem.	Dem.
Maxime. te, Philaenium, mihi atque uxoris mortem, hoc Venerium est. pueri, plaudite et mi ob iactum cantharo mulsum date.	By all means. (as he throws) Here’s to you for me, Philaenium, and my wife for the tomb! (looking at throw) Ha! The Venus!F (to servants) A cheer, lads, and some mead from the tankard for that throw!
Art.	Art.
Non queo durare.	(aside to Parasite) This is intolerable!
Par.	Par.
Si non didicisti fulloniam, non mirandum est.31 in oculos invadi optumum est.	(aside to Artemona) No wonder, if you never learned the fuller’sG trade. Your best plan is to make a dash for his eyes.
Art.	Art.
Ego pol vivam et tu istaec hodie cum tuo magno malo invocavisti.	(bursting into house) My heavens, sir, I will live, and you shall pay dear for that petition of yours just now! (tableau)
Par.	Par.
910 Ecquis currit pollictorem accersere?	(gleefully) Run, some one, and fetch the undertaker!
Argyr.	Argyr.
Mater, salve.	(innocently) How do you do, mother?
Art.	Art.
Sat salutis.	Enough of your how d’ye do-ing!
Par.	Par.
Mortuost Demaenetus. tempus est subducere hinc me; pulchre hoc gliscit proelium. ibo ad Diabolum, mandata dicam facta ut voluerit, atque interea ut decumbamus suadebo, hi dum litigant.	(aside) Demaenetus is dead. Time for me to retire from the scene; the battle waxes finely. I’ll off to Diabolus and tell him his mandates are executed to the letter, yes, and suggest our taking dinner meantime, while they fight it out.
poste demum huc cras adducam ad lenam, ut viginti minas ei det, in partem hac amanti ut liceat ei potirier. Argyrippus exorari spero poterit, ut sinat sese alternas cum illo noctes hac frui. nam ni impetro, regem perdidi: ex amore tantum est homini incendium.	Then to-morrow when it’s over I’ll bring him back to the Madame so that he may give her the eighty pounds and get her permission for his fond self to go shares in the girl here. I do hope Argyrippus can be induced to let him have her half the time. For if I don’t get so much out of him, I have lost a patron—all one blaze of love, as the fellow is. [exit Parasite.
Art.	Art.
Quid tibi hunc receptio ad te est meum virum?	(to Philaenium) What do you mean by receiving this man at your house—my husband?
Phil.	Phil.
920 Pol me quidem miseram odio enicavit.	Dear, dear! Why, I’m fairly bored to death by him, for my part.
Art.	Art.
Surge, amator, i domum.	(standing over Demaenetus) Get up, my gallant; home with you!
Dem.	Dem.
Nullus sum.	(half aside, afraid to move) I’m a dead man!
Art.	Art.
Immo es, ne nega, omnium unus pol nequissimus. at etiam cubat cuculus. surge amator, i domum.	Good gracious, no! You’re the vilest man living, and you needn’t deny it. But he’s roosting there still, the cuckoo! Get up, my gallant; home with you!
Dem.	Dem.
Vae mihi.	(half aside) Oh, I’m in for it!
Art.	Art.
Vera hariolare. surge, amator, i domum.	You are a true prophet. Get up, my gallant; home with you!
Dem.	Dem.
Abscede ergo paululum istuc.	Well then, do stand a bit farther off.
Art.	Art.
Surge, amator, i domum.	Get up, my gallant; home with you!
Dem.	Dem.
Iam obsecro, uxor.	For heaven’s sake now, my dear!
Art.	Art.
Nunc uxorem me esse meministi tuam? modo, cum dicta in me ingerebas, odium, non uxor eram.	Now you recollect that I am your dear, do you? A moment ago, when you were saying things about me, I was your abomination, not your dear.
Dem.	Dem.
Totus perii.	(half aside) It’s all up with me, absolutely!
Art.	Art.
Quid tandem? anima fetetne uxoris tuae?	You really meant it, did you? Your dear’s breath smells, does it?
Dem.	Dem.
Murram olet.	(hastily) Smells of myrrh, myrrh!
Art.	Art.
Iam subrupuisti pallam, quam scorto dares?	(ironically) Have you stolen the mantle yet to give this creature?
Phil.	Phil.
930 Ecastor qui subrupturum pallam promisit tibi.	He promised he would steal it from you, indeed he did!
Dem.	Dem.
Non taces?	(aside to Philaenium) Shut up, won’t you?
Argyr.	Argyr.
Ego dissuadebam, mater.	I tried to dissuade him, mother.
Art.	Art.
Bellum filium. istoscine patrem aequom est mores liberis largirier? nilne te pudet?	A pretty son! (to Demaenetus) Is this the way for a father to edify his children? Is there nothing you’re ashamed of? (helps him off the couch by the ear)
Dem.	Dem.
Pol, si aliud nil sit, tui me, uxor, pudet.	Oh Lord! You make me ashamed, my dear, if nothing else would.
Art.	Art.
Cano capite te cuculum uxor ex lustris rapit.	(guiding him toward the door) It’s your dear that is dragging you from this den of vice, your hoary-headed cuckoo!
Dem.	Dem.
Non licet manere—cena coquitur—dum cenem modo?	Mayn’t I stay—dinner’s being cooked—just till I’ve dined?
Art.	Art.
Ecastor cenabis hodie, ut dignus es, magnum malum.	Good heavens, sir! You shall dine as you deserve today—on dire distress.
Dem.	Dem.
Male cubandum est: iudicatum me uxor abducit domum.	(aside) It’s a poorish night I’m in for: here I am sentenced, and my wife leading me off—home. (Argyrippus and Philaenium follow them to door)
Argyr.	Argyr.
Dicebam, pater, tibi, ne matri consuleres male.	I kept telling you, father, not to play any tricks on mother.
Phil.	Phil.
De palla memento, amabo.	Remember about the mantle, there’s a dear!
Dem.	Dem.
Iuben hanc hinc abscedere?	(to wife) Tell her to get out of here, won’t you?
Art.	Art.
I domum.	(jerking him along) Home with you!
Phil.	Phil.
940 Da savium etiam prius quam abis.	Do give me another naughty, naughty kiss before we part.
Dem.	Dem.
I in crucem.	Go to hell!
Phil.	Phil.
Immo intro potius. sequere hac me, mi anime.	Oh no, inside, instead, (to Argyrippus, as she goes back inside) Come along with me, darling.
Argyr.	Argyr.
Ego vero sequor.	Indeed I will. [exeunt omnes.

GREX	EPILOGUE
	(Spoken by the Company)
Hic senex si quid clam uxorem suo animo fecit volup, neque novum neque mirum fecit nec secus quam alii solent; nec quisquam est tam ingenio duro nec tam firmo pectore, quin ubi quicque occasionis sit sibi faciat bene. nunc si voltis deprecari huic seni ne vapulet, remur impetrari posse, plausum si clarum datis.	If this old gentleman has indulged his inclinations a bit without informing his wife, he has done nothing new or strange, or different from what other men ordinarily do. No one has such an iron nature, such an unyielding heart, as not to do himself a good turn whenever he has any chance. So now in case you wish to beg the old fellow off from a beating, we opine that you can succeed, if you—give us some loud applause.

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1. Leo brackets following v., 25-26: ita me obstinate adgressu’s, ut non audeam profecto, percontanti quin promam omnia.	A. Where he might be beaten with ox-hide whips.
2. Leo brackets following v., 33: ubi flent nequam homines, qui polentam pinsitant.	B. It has seemed advisable to use the terms of the English coinage system throughout this version; the value of the money metals, however, has shrunk very considerably since Plautus’s day.
3. Corrupt (Leo): obsequellam MSS: obsequellam eam Acidalius.	C. The elm corresponded to our birch in being used for corporal punishment.
4. Leo brackets following v., 77: volo amori obsecutum illius, volo amet me patrem.	D. White horses were supposed to be the fastest.
5. Corrupt (Leo): venari autem rete iaculo MSS: reti, iaculo venari autem Vahlen.	E. Naming one’s sweetheart, on making a throw, was a common custom.
6. Leo notes lacuna here: atqui ibi MSS: ibo atque ibi Camerarius.	F. The highest throw.
7. Corrupt (Leo): experiri MSS: experi Skutsch.	G. Fullers being accustomed to unpleasant smells.
8. Leo brackets following v., 252: igitur inveniundo argento ut fingeres fallaciam.
9. Leo notes lacuna here: istuc MSS: istuc, istuc Palmer.
10. Corrupt (Leo): exasciato Acidalius: exasceatum MSS.
11. Leo notes lacuna here: da MSS: dare Fleckeisen.
12. Leo brackets following vv., 480-483: in ius voco te. Leon. Non eo. Merc. Non is? memento. Leon. 480 Memini. Merc. Dabitur pol supplicum mihi de tergo vostro. Leon. Vae te tibi quidem supplicum, carnufex de nobis detur? Merc. Atque etiam pro dictis vostris maledicis poenae pendentur mi hodie.
13. etiam nunc dico MSS: Lindsay excises nunc dico.
14. Leo brackets following v., 508: Cle. An decorum est adversari meis te praeceptis? Phil. Quid est?
15. Corrupt (Leo): nobis excised by Bothe.
16. quo est Leo: not in MSS.
17. Leo brackets following v., 547: scapularam confidentia, virtute ulmorum freti.
18. advorsum stetimus Ussing: qui advorsum stimulos MSS.
19. Inductoresque Acidalius and others: indoctoresque MSS.
20. Leo brackets following v., 552— qui saepe ante in nostras scapulas cicatrices indiderunt— and assumes lacuna following.
21. Corrupt (Leo): collegae MSS: collegae mei Leo.
22. Leo brackets following v., 570: ubi periuraris, ubi sacro manus sis admolitus.
23. Leo brackets following v., 573: ubi amicae quam amico tuo fueris magis fidelis.
24. Corrupt (Leo): interioris MSS: interior Bothe.
25. Corrupt (Leo): atque ad me adgredire Langen.
26. Leo notes slight lacuna here. amicae suae Gulielmius.
27. Leo brackets following v., 828, 829: Argyr. Age, decumbamus sis, pater.	27. Argyr. Come father, let’s take our places, please.
Dem. Ut iusseris, mi gnate, ita fiet.	Dem. Just as you say, my dear boy.
Argyr. Pueri, mensam adponite.	Argyr. (to slaves) Bring the table, my lads.
28. et Pius: ut MSS.
29. Corrupt (Leo): fui Pylades: fueram Leo.
30. Corrupt (Leo). hominem (aut) Camerarius.
31. non mirandumst, (Artemona. Art.). In Havet.