Little Willie
Little Willie hung his sister,
She was dead before we missed her.
“Willie’s always up to tricks!
Ain’t he cute? He’s only six!”
Anonymous.
Mary Ames
Pity now poor Mary Ames,
Blinded by her brother James;
Red-hot nails in her eyes he poked,—
I never saw Mary more provoked.
Anonymous.
Muddled Metaphors
By a Moore-ose Melodist
Oh, ever thus from childhood’s hour,
I’ve seen my fondest hopes recede!
I never loved a tree or flower
That didn’t trump its partner’s lead.
I never nursed a dear gazelle,
To glad me with its dappled hide,
But when it came to know me well,
It fell upon the buttered side.
I never taught a cockatoo
To whistle comic songs profound,
But, just when “Jolly Dogs” it knew,
It failed for ninepence in the pound.
I never reared a walrus cub
In my aquarium to plunge,
But, when it learned to love its tub,
It placidly threw up the sponge!
I never strove a metaphor
To every bosom home to bring
But—just as it had reached the door—
It went and cut a pigeon’s wing!
Tom Hood, Jr.