A Conditional Pardon
The runaway couple had just returned, and she knelt at the old man’s feet and begged forgiveness.
“Yes, forgive us,” cried the newly wedded husband. “Forgive me for taking her away from you, but see, I have brought her back.”
“Yes,” said the old man, his voice trembling with emotion, “you have brought her back. You have brought her back. Bat that is not all, lad; you have brought her back, but you have also brought the part of her that eats provisions. I will forgive you for fifty dollars per month, lights and washing extra.”
It is but justice to the Pension Bureau at Washington to state that they have not yet granted the pension claimed by a man who was wounded in the late unpleasantness by the accidental discharge of his duty.
A careful inquiry has revealed the fact that Samson was the first man who rushed the growler.
Better blow your own horn than one you haven’t paid for.
If your rye offend you, buy a better quality.
Call a pretty girl a witch
And she’ll do her best to charm you.
Tell an old maid she’s a witch,
And she certainly will harm you.
Thus you see how hard it is to please them all.
Call a pretty maiden “Puss,”
And she’ll archly smile upon you.
Call an ancient one a “cat,”
She will grab an axe and run you.
The same name will not fit them all, at all.
If you call your girl a “mouse,”
She will think it cute and pretty.
If unto an aged spinster
You say “rats,” you have our pity.
Thus you see you need not try to please them all.
“In a lighthouse by the sea” is what the opera company sang to a forty-dollar audience in Galveston.
“Yes,” said the tramp as he accepted the dime and made for the lunch counter, “I always hollers when I’m hit and I always hits a man when I’m holler.”