An Act of Fear
The Evangelist mentions, that when our Saviour declared to his disciples, that one of them should betray him, they were all exceedingly afflicted: “Verily I say unto you, that one of you will betray me; and they began each of them to say, Is it I, Lord? Is it I?”— Matthew xxviii. Let your hearts also give way for a moment, to the thoughts of that uncertainty which every man is in, of being in the state of grace: examine seriously your real dispositions, and have no other confidence than in the mercy of God.
If the uncertainty of being worthy of thy love or hatred, O Lord, made even St. Paul, that vessel of election, tremble, how much more reason have not I to apprehend, lest some concealed sin, lurking in my heart, might obstruct the salutary influence of those graces which thou hast prepared for those who worthily receive thee in this divine sacrament? May not I, perhaps, like another Judas, give thee the kiss of peace to-day, and basely betray thee to-morrow? or, instead of coming to visit me as a faithful disciple, dost thou not rather come with horror and indignation, as to a concealed enemy? How can I answer for the integrity of my confession, the fervour of my contrition, or the sincerity of my resolutions? Is it not custom, or human respect, that brings me to the foot of thy altar? Have not I still some favourite attachment? and in the resolutions I have made of relinquishing my vile evil habits, have I not spared some favourite though dangerous passion? With the same heart-felt anguish as thy disciples experienced on the like occasion, I ask thee, O Lord, “Is it I?” But the most abominable traitor, Judas, asked thee the same question? Is not my anxiety, as his was, only false and apparent? It is this thought, O my God, that terrifies me; and it is to thyself alone I have recourse to preserve me from so horrible a sacrilege. No, thou wilt never permit me to be guilty of so horrid a profanation, since thou seest there is no evil I dread so much. Wherefore, my dear Saviour, after being as diligent as I could in my preparation to receive thee, I now rest entirely on thy infinite mercy, “Depart from me, O Lord, for I am a sinful man.”—Luke, v. “Have confidence, my child, thy sins are forgiven thee.”—Matt. xi.