Scene 3 Sitting-Room — Table and Rocking-Chair
Enter Mrs. Gaines, R., followed by Sampey.
Mrs. Gaines. I do wish your master would come; I want supper. Run to the gate, Sampey, and see if he is coming.
[Exit Sampey, L.
That man is enough to break my heart. The patience of an angel could not stand it.
Enter Sampey, L.
Samp. Yes, missis, master is coming.
Enter Dr. Gaines, L.
[The Doctor walks about with his hands under his coat, seeming very much elated.
Mrs. Gaines. Why, doctor, what is the matter?
Dr. Gaines. My dear, don’t call me doctor.
Mrs. G. What should I call you?
Dr. G. Call me Colonel, my dear—Colonel. I have been elected Colonel of the Militia, and I want you to call me by my right name. I always felt that Providence had designed me for something great, and He has just begun to shower His blessings upon me.
Mrs. G. Dear me, I could never get to calling you Colonel; I’ve called you Doctor for the last twenty years.
Dr. G. Now, Sarah, if you will call me Colonel, other people will, and I want you to set the example. Come, my darling, call me Colonel, and I’ll give you any thing you wish for.
Mrs. G. Well, as I want a new gold watch and bracelets, I’ll commence now. Come, Colonel, we’ll go to supper. Ah! now for my new shawl. [Aside.] Mrs. Lemme was here to-day, Colonel, and she had on, Colonel, one of the prettiest shawls, Colonel, I think, Colonel, that I ever saw, Colonel, in my life, Colonel. And there is only one, Colonel, in Mr. Watson’s store, Colonel; and that, Colonel, will do, Colonel, for a Colonel’s wife.
Dr. G. Ah! my dear, you never looked so much the lady since I’ve known you. Go, my darling, get the watch, bracelets and shawl, and tell them to charge them to Colonel Gaines; and when you say “Colonel,” always emphasize the word.
Mrs. G. Come, Colonel, let’s go to supper.
Dr. G. My dear, you’re a jewel,—you are!
[Exit, R.
Enter Cato, L.
Cato. Why, whar is massa and missis? I tought dey was here. Ah! by golly, yonder comes a mulatter gal. Yes, it’s Mrs. Jones’s Tapioca. I’ll set up to dat gal, dat I will.
Enter Tapioca, R.
Good ebenin’, Miss Tappy. How is your folks?
Tapioca. Pretty well, I tank you.
Cato. Miss Tappy, dis wanderin’ heart of mine is yours. Come, take a seat! Please to squze my manners; love discommodes me. Take a seat. Now, Miss Tappy, I loves you; an ef you will jess marry me, I’ll make you a happy husband, dat I will. Come, take me as I is.
Tap. But what will Big Jim say?
Cato. Big Jim! Why, let dat nigger go to Ginny. I want to know, now, if you is tinkin’ about dat common nigger? Why, Miss Tappy, I is surstonished dat you should tink ’bout frowin’ yousef away wid a common, ugly lookin’ cuss like Big Jim, when you can get a fine lookin’, suspectable man like me. Come, Miss Tappy, choose dis day who you have. Afore I go any furder, give me one kiss. Come, give me one kiss. Come, let me kiss you.
Tap. No you shan’t—dare now! You shan’t kiss me widout you is stronger den I is; and I know you is dat. [He kisses her.]
Enter Dr. Gaines, R., and hides.
Cato. Did you know, Miss Tappy, dat I is de head doctor ’bout dis house? I beats de ole boss all to pieces.
Tap. I hev hearn dat you bleeds and pulls teef.
Cato. Yes, Miss Tappy; massa could not get along widout me, for massa was made a doctor by books; but I is a natral doctor. I was born a doctor, jess as Lorenzo Dow was born a preacher. So you see I can’t be nuffin’ but a doctor, while massa is a bunglin’ ole cuss at de bissness.
Dr. Gaines, (in a low voice.) Never mind; I’ll teach you a lesson, that I will.
Cato. You see, Miss Tappy, I was gwine to say—— Ah! but afore I forget, jess give me anudder kiss, jess to keep company wid de one dat you give me jess now,—dat’s all, [Kisses her.] Now, Miss Tappy, duse you know de fuss time dat I seed you?
Tap. No, Mr. Cato, I don’t.
Cato. Well, it was at de camp-meetin’. Oh, Miss Tappy, dat pretty red calliker dress you had on dat time did de work for me. It made my heart flutter—
Dr. G. (low voice.) Yes, and I’ll make your black hide flutter.
Cato. Didn’t I hear some noise? By golly, dar is teves in dis house, and I’ll drive ’em out.
[Takes a chair and runs at the Doctor, and knocks him down. The Doctor chases Cato round the table.
Cato. Oh, massa, I didn’t know ’twas you!
Dr. G. You scoundrel! I’ll whip you well. Stop! I tell you.
[Curtain falls.