Scene III A Public Place Near the Palace
Enter Andrew and Jaques.
Jaq. Mon dieu, what malheur be this! me come a the chamber, Signior Andrew, mon dieu; taka my poniard en ma main to give the estocade to the damoisella: par ma foi, there was no person; elle s’est en allée.
And. The worse luck, Jaques: but because I am thy friend, I will advise thee somewhat towards the attainment of the gallows.
Jaq. Gallows! what be that?
And. Marry, sir, a place of great promotion, where thou shalt by one turn above ground rid the world of a knave, and make a goodly ensample for all bloody villains of thy profession.
Jaq. Que dites vous, Monsieur Andrew?
And. I say, Jaques, thou must keep this path, and hie thee; for the queen, as I am certified, is departed with her dwarf, apparelled like a squire. Overtake her, Frenchman, stab her: I’ll promise thee, this doublet shall be happy.
Jaq. Pourquoi?
And. It shall serve a jolly gentleman, Sir Dominus Monseigneur Hangman.
Jaq. C’est tout un; me will rama pour la monnoie. [Exit.
And. Go, and the rot consume thee!—O, what a trim world is this! My master lives by cozening the king, I by flattering him; Slipper, my fellow, by stealing, and I by lying: is not this a wily accord, gentlemen?280 This last night, our jolly horsekeeper, being well steeped in liquor, confessed to me the stealing of my master’s writings, and his great reward. Now dare I not bewray him, lest he discover my knavery; but this have I wrought: I understand he will pass this way, to provide him necessaries; but, if I and my fellows fail not, we will teach him such a lesson as shall cost him a chief place on Pennyless Bench281 for his labour. But yond he comes. [Stands aside.
Enter Slipper, with a Tailor, a Shoemaker, and a Cutler.
Slip. Tailor.
Tai. Sir?
Slip. Let my doublet be white northern, five groats the yard: I tell thee, I will be brave.
Tai. It shall, sir.
Slip. Now, sir, cut it me like the battlements of a custard, full of round holes; edge me the sleeves with Coventry blue, and let the linings be of tenpenny lockram.
Tai. Very good, sir.
Slip. Make it the amorous cut, a flap before.
Tai. And why so? that fashion is stale.
Slip. O, friend, thou art a simple fellow. I tell thee, a flap is a great friend to a storrie; it stands him instead of clean napery; and, if a man’s shirt be torn, it is a present penthouse to defend him from a clean huswife’s scoff.
Tai. You say sooth, sir.
Slip. [giving money]. Hold, take thy money; there is seven shillings for the doublet, and eight for the breeches: seven and eight; by’rlady, thirty-six is a fair deal of money.
Tai. Farewell, sir.
Slip. Nay, but stay, tailor.
Tai. Why, sir?
Slip. Forget not this special make: let my back-parts be well lined, for there come many winter-storms from a windy belly, I tell thee. [Exit Tailor]. Shoemaker.
Shoe. Gentleman, what shoe will it please you to have?
Slip. A fine, neat calves’-leather, my friend.
Shoe. O, sir, that is too thin, it will not last you.
Slip. I tell thee, it is my near kinsman, for I am Slipper, which hath his best grace in summer to be suited in calves’282 skins. Goodwife Calf was my grandmother, and Goodman Netherleather mine uncle; but my mother, good woman, alas, she was a Spaniard, and being well tanned and dressed by a good fellow, an Englishman, is grown to some wealth: as, when I have but my upper-parts clad in her husband’s costly Spanish leather, I may be bold to kiss the fairest lady’s foot in this country.
Shoe. You are of high birth, sir: but have you all your mother’s marks on you?
Slip. Why, knave?
Shoe. Because, if thou come of the blood of the Slippers, you should have a shoemaker’s awl thrust through your ear.
Slip. [giving money]. Take your earnest, friend, and be packing, and meddle not with my progenitors. [Exit Shoemaker]. Cutler.
Cut. Here, sir.
Slip. I must have a reaper and digger.283
Cut. A rapier and dagger, you mean, sir?
Slip. Thou sayest true; but it must have a very fair edge.
Cut. Why so, sir?
Slip. Because it may cut by himself, for truly, my friend, I am a man of peace, and wear weapons but for fashion.
Cut. Well, sir, give me earnest, I will fit you.
Slip. [giving money]. Hold, take it: I betrust thee, friend; let me be well armed.
Cut. You shall. [Exit.
Slip. Now what remains? there’s twenty crowns for house, three crowns for household-stuff, sixpence to buy a constable’s staff; nay, I will be the chief of my parish. There wants nothing but a wench, a cat, a dog, a wife, and a servant, to make an whole family. Shall I marry with Alice, Goodman Grimshawe’s daughter? she is fair, but indeed her tongue is like clocks on Shrove Tuesday, always out of temper. Shall I wed Sisley of the Whighton? O, no! she is like a frog in a parsley bed; as skittish as an eel: if I seek to hamper her, she will horn me. But a wench must be had, Master Slipper; yea, and shall be, dear friend.
And. [aside]. I now will drive him from his contemplations.—O, my mates, come forward: the lamb is unpent, the fox shall prevail.
Enter three Antics, who dance round, and take Slipper with them.
Slip. I will, my friend, and I thank you heartily: pray, keep your courtesy: I am yours in the way of an hornpipe.—[Aside]. They are strangers; I see they understand not my language: wee, wee.—284
[Whilst they are dancing, Andrew takes away Slipper’s money, and the other Antics depart.
Nay, but, my friends, one hornpipe further! a refluence back, and two doubles forward! What, not one cross-point against Sundays? What, ho, sirrah, you gone? you with the nose like an eagle, an you be a right Greek, one turn more.—Thieves, thieves! I am robbed! thieves! Is this the knavery of fiddlers? Well, I will then bind the whole credit of their occupation on a bag-piper, and he for my money. But I will after, and teach them to caper in a halter, that have cozened me of my money. [Exit.