Scene IV Within the City of Nineveh
Enter Adam, with a bottle of beer in one slop,125 and a great piece of beef in another.
Adam. Well, Goodman Jonas, I would you had never come from Jewry to this country; you have made me look like a lean rib of roast beef, or like the picture of Lent painted upon a red-herring’s cob.126 Alas, masters, we are commanded by the proclamation to fast and pray! by my troth, I could prettily so-so away with127 praying; but for fasting, why, ’tis so contrary to my nature, that I had rather suffer a short hanging than a long fasting. Mark me, the words be these, “Thou shalt take no manner of food for so many days.” I had as lief he should have said, “Thou shalt hang thyself for so many days.” And yet, in faith, I need not find fault with the proclamation, for I have a buttery and a pantry and a kitchen about me; for proof, ecce signum! this right slop is my pantry, behold a manchet128 [Draws it out]; this place is my kitchen, for, lo, a piece of beef [Draws it out],—O, let me repeat that sweet word again! “for, lo, a piece of beef.” This is my buttery, for, see, see, my friends, to my great joy, a bottle of beer [Draws it out]. Thus, alas, I make shift to wear out this fasting; I drive away the time. But there go searchers about to seek if any man breaks the king’s command. O, here they be; in with your victuals, Adam. [Puts them back into his slops.
Enter Two Searchers.
First Search. How duly the men of Nineveh keep the proclamation! how are they armed to repentance! We have searched through the whole city, and have not as yet found one that breaks the fast.
Sec. Search. The sign of the more grace:—but stay, here sits one, methinks, at his prayers; let us see who it is.
First Search. ’Tis Adam, the smith’s man.—How now, Adam?
Adam. Trouble me not; “Thou shalt take no manner of food, but fast and pray.”
First Search. How devoutly he sits at his orisons! but stay, methinks I feel a smell of some meat or bread about him.
Sec. Search. So thinks me too.—You, sirrah, what victuals have you about you?
Adam. Victuals! O horrible blasphemy! Hinder me not of my prayer, nor drive me not into a choler. Victuals! why, heardest thou not the sentence, “Thou shalt take no food, but fast and pray”?
Sec. Search. Truth, so it should be; but, methinks, I smell meat about thee.
Adam. About me, my friends! these words are actions in the case. About me! no, no, hang those gluttons that cannot fast and pray.
First Search. Well, for all your words, we must search you.
Adam. Search me! take heed what you do; my hose129 are my castles, ’tis burglary if you break ope a slop; no officer must lift up an iron hatch; take heed, my slops are iron. [They search Adam.]
Sec. Search. O villain!—see how he hath gotten victuals, bread, beef, and beer, where the king commanded upon pain of death none should eat for so many days, no, not the sucking infant!
Adam. Alas, sir, this is nothing but a modicum non nocet ut medicus daret; why, sir, a bit to comfort my stomach.
First Search. Villain, thou shalt be hanged for it.
Adam. These are your words, “I shall be hanged for it”; but first answer me to this question, how many days have we to fast still?
Sec. Search. Five days.
Adam. Five days! a long time: then I must be hanged?
First Search. Ay, marry, must thou.
Adam. I am your man, I am for you, sir, for I had rather be hanged than abide so long a fast. What, five days! Come, I’ll untruss. Is your halter, and the gallows, the ladder, and all such furniture in readiness?
First Search. I warrant thee, shalt want none of these.
Adam. But hear you, must I be hanged?
First Search. Ay, marry.
Adam. And for eating of meat. Then, friends, know ye by these presents, I will eat up all my meat, and drink up all my drink, for it shall never be said, I was hanged with an empty stomach.
First Search. Come away, knave; wilt thou stand feeding now?
Adam. If you be so hasty, hang yourself an hour, while I come to you, for surely I will eat up my meat.
Sec. Search. Come, let’s draw him away perforce.
Adam. You say there is five days yet to fast; these are your words?
Sec. Search. Ay, sir.
Adam. I am for you: come, let’s away, and yet let me be put in the Chronicles. [Exeunt.