Act III
Scene I Lord Foppington’s Lodgings. Enter Lord Foppington, and la Varole
LORD FOPPINGTON.
Hey, fellow, let thy vis-à-vis come to the door.
LA VAROLE.
Will your lordship venture so soon to expose yourself to the weather?
LORD FOPPINGTON.
Sir, I will venture as soon as I can expose myself to the ladies.
LA VAROLE.
I wish your lordship would please to keep house a little longer; I’m afraid your honour does not well consider your wound.
LORD FOPPINGTON.
My wound!—I would not be in eclipse another day, though I had as many wounds in my body as I have had in my heart. So mind, Varole, let these cards be left as directed; for this evening I shall wait on my future father-in-law, Sir Tunbelly, and I mean to commence my devoirs to the lady, by giving an entertainment at her father’s expense; and hark thee, tell Mr. Loveless I request he and his company will honour me with their presence, or I shall think we are not friends.
LA VAROLE.
I will be sure, milor. [Exit.]
Enter TOM FASHION.
TOM FASHION.
Brother, your servant; how do you find yourself today?
LORD FOPPINGTON.
So well that I have ardered my coach to the door—so there’s no danger of death this baut, Tam.
TOM FASHION.
I’m very glad of it.
LORD FOPPINGTON.
[Aside.] That I believe a lie.—[Aloud.] Pr’ythee, Tam, tell me one thing—did not your heart cut a caper up to your mauth, when you heard I was run through the bady?
TOM FASHION.
Why do you think it should?
LORD FOPPINGTON.
Because I remember mine did so when I heard my uncle was shot through the head.
TOM FASHION.
It, then, did very ill.
LORD FOPPINGTON.
Pr’ythee, why so?
TOM FASHION.
Because he used you very well.
LORD FOPPINGTON.
Well!—Naw, strike me dumb! he starved me; he has let me want a thausand women for want of a thausand paund.
TOM FASHION.
Then he hindered you from making a great many ill bargains; for I think no woman worth money that will take money.
LORD FOPPINGTON.
If I was a younger brother I should think so too.
TOM FASHION.
Then you are seldom much in love?
LORD FOPPINGTON.
Never, stap my vitals!
TOM FASHION.
Why, then, did you make all this bustle about Amanda?
LORD FOPPINGTON.
Because she’s a woman of insolent virtue, and I thought myself piqued in honour to debauch her.
TOM FASHION.
Very well.—[Aside.] Here’s a rare fellow for you, to have the spending of ten thousand pounds a year! But now for my business with him.—[Aloud.] Brother, though I know to talk of any business (especially of money) is a theme not quite so entertaining to you as that of the ladies, my necessities are such, I hope you’ll have patience to hear me.
LORD FOPPINGTON.
The greatness of your necessities, Tam, is the worst argument in the waurld for your being patiently heard. I do believe you are going to make a very good speech, but, strike me dumb! it has the worst beginning of any speech I have heard this twelvemonth.
TOM FASHION.
I’m sorry you think so.
LORD FOPPINGTON.
I do believe thou art: but, come, let’s know the affair quickly.
TOM FASHION.
Why, then, my case, in a word, is this: the necessary expenses of my travels have so much exceeded the wretched income of my annuity, that I have been forced to mortgage it for five hundred pounds, which is spent. So unless you are so kind as to assist me in redeeming it, I know no remedy but to take a purse.
LORD FOPPINGTON.
Why, faith, Tam, to give you my sense of the thing, I do think taking a purse the best remedy in the waurld; for if you succeed, you are relieved that way, if you are taken [Drawing his hand round his neck], you are relieved t’other.
TOM FASHION.
I’m glad to see you are in so pleasant a humour; I hope I shall find the effects on’t.
LORD FOPPINGTON.
Why, do you then really think it a reasonable thing, that I should give you five hundred paunds?
TOM FASHION.
I do not ask it as a due, brother; I am willing to receive it as a favour.
LORD FOPPINGTON.
Then thou art willing to receive it anyhow, strike me speechless! But these are damned times to give money in; taxes are so great, repairs so exorbitant, tenants such rogues, and bouquets so dear, that the devil take me I’m reduced to that extremity in my cash, I have been forced to retrench in that one article of sweet pawder, till I have brought it down to five guineas a maunth—now judge, Tam, whether I can spare you five paunds.
TOM FASHION.
If you can’t I must starve, that’s all.—[Aside.] Damn him!
LORD FOPPINGTON.
All I can say is, you should have been a better husband.
TOM FASHION.
Ouns! if you can’t live upon ten thousand a year, how do you think I should do’t upon two hundred?
LORD FOPPINGTON.
Don’t be in a passion, Tam, for passion is the most unbecoming thing in the waurld—to the face. Look you, I don’t love to say anything to you to make you melancholy, but upon this occasion I must take leave to put you in mind that a running horse does require more attendance than a coach-horse. Nature has made some difference twixt you and me.
TOM FASHION.
Yes—she has made you older.—[Aside.] Plague take her.
LORD FOPPINGTON.
That is not all, Tam.
TOM FASHION.
Why, what is there else?
LORD FOPPINGTON.
[Looks first on himself and then on his brother.] Ask the ladies.
TOM FASHION.
Why, thou essence-bottle, thou musk-cat! dost thou then think thou hast any advantage over me but what Fortune has given thee?
LORD FOPPINGTON.
I do, stap my vitals!
TOM FASHION.
Now, by all that’s great and powerful, thou art the prince of coxcombs!
LORD FOPPINGTON.
Sir, I am proud at being at the head of so prevailing a party.
TOM FASHION.
Will nothing provoke thee?—Draw, coward!
LORD FOPPINGTON.
Look you, Tam, you know I have always taken you for a mighty dull fellow, and here is one of the foolishest plats broke out that I have seen a lang time. Your poverty makes life so burdensome to you, you would provoke me to a quarrel, in hopes either to slip through my lungs into my estate, or to get yourself run through the guts, to put an end to your pain. But I will disappoint you in both your designs; far, with the temper of a philasapher, and the discretion of a statesman—I shall leave the room with my sword in the scabbard. [Exit.]
TOM FASHION.
So! farewell, brother; and now, conscience, I defy thee. Lory!
Enter LORY.
LORY.
Sir!
TOM FASHION.
Here’s rare news, Lory; his lordship has given me a pill has purged off all my scruples.
LORY.
Then my heart’s at ease again: for I have been in a lamentable fright, sir, ever since your conscience had the impudence to intrude into your company.
TOM FASHION.
Be at peace; it will come there no more: my brother has given it a wring by the nose, and I have kicked it downstairs. So run away to the inn, get the chaise ready quickly, and bring it to Dame Coupler’s without a moment’s delay.
LORY.
Then, sir, you are going straight about the fortune?
TOM FASHION.
I am.—Away—fly, Lory!
LORY.
The happiest day I ever saw. I’m upon the wing already. Now then I shall get my wages. [Exeunt.]